Thursday, September 27, 2007

Best Thing for Contacts

Do you wear contacts? I do and have since I was 16. I was that kid back in the early 80's (I was 10 in 1981) with the big glasses and plastic, transparent, light purple frames. I remember trying on glasses for the first time and being amazed. I didn't realize that people could see so clearly! I also remember trying contacts in 1987 and being blown away because for the first time I could see perfectly not only straight ahead of me, but also peripherally. I went outside the ophthalmologist’s, I had no glasses to fog up from the temperature change, the sun was shining and I squinted with happiness.

If you wear contacts, you know how it feels when one or both of them get foggy. You feel like you are in a smoky room even as the fluorescent lights of your office or school blare down on you. Sometimes I’ve even had to drive my car with one eye shut because it was so foggy and it messed up my vision more than having the one good eye.

When it gets that way I make myself yawn. That always brings a few tears to your eyes and helps the fogginess for a bit.

Well, today I had no fogginess at all. There was no way that my contacts could get dry because I was constantly about to cry. What hell. While driving I cried a bit and finally on the last street to my house, I had the following conversation with myself:

“Get a damn grip on yourself (I rarely cuss and when I do it’s because I’m upset or angry, though I never cuss in front of my daughter)! You are about to get home and see your daughter and you don’t need to look like you stepped out of an insane asylum. You don’t need to cry. You don’t need to even look like you’re about to. You need to walk in that house and act like everything is fine because it’s not her problem and she doesn’t need to be burdened. GET A GRIP!!”

I got inside the house and got through it. My husband was at work. I was able to clean up a bit and she helped out. I then asked her to sit down with me because she said yesterday there were things she wanted to talk about. She smiled and you could tell she couldn’t wait to spill her guts. She got a dreamy look on her face and told me about a guy she likes at school named Ritchie. She described him saying he had “smoky eyes that change with his mood”, he was “hot”, etc. She usually tells me every day that she has a crush on someone and gives a new name. This is the first time that I can really tell she likes someone. There is just something different about the way she described him. Her face changed when she was talking about him…he wasn’t just some guy to her. Well, I hope he realizes what a beautiful, thoughtful, special, caring and kind soul that she is. We’ll have to wait and see what the future holds with this Ritchie.

Interesting.

We ate dinner, I took a shower and here I am.

And I don’t feel like crying.

Amazing.

Thank God.

The bankruptcy attorney I called yesterday called back today and we have an appointment with him Tuesday at lunch. This weekend I’m going to finish working on all of the paperwork he is requesting to review. I asked him if it cost anything up front and he said he wasn’t sure until he saw my paperwork, but he guessed around $1,200 - $1,500. All I can say is “I’m bankrupt! I don’t have money…HELLO!!!”

But I’m not going to worry about it. I’m going to live in the NOW (thank you Linda, I read the book by Eckhart Tolle last year and I need to read it again. It was great and I remember thinking after reading it…who thinks about this stuff? Thank God he did!) Yes, I need to adopt his principles. It would help.

And Linda, thank you so much for your post. It really means a lot. You are so right – my husband is an emotional person and his culture does give him strong feelings about our relationship and how it should be and what his role should be. He told me in the past that he is “a failure” and I told him NO WAY. He feels that he failed with his business and he blames himself about the finances. I blame myself about the finances. Ugh.

We just go round and round.

HappyStill, thank you as well for your comment. Never apologize for a long comment. I love them! You’re right; I need to remember that this is temporary. It’s just difficult right now to think that way. I don’t really care about being “rich”. If anything I want to be rich in my soul. It’s just that going bankrupt and even thinking about it makes me feel like a failure. I’ve tried to think to myself today that going bankrupt doesn’t define who I am. Yet, then I would laugh inside sarcastically and think…but I am bankrupt…in every way possible…in my spirit, marriage, life, financially, in EVERY WAY. Ugh…I will keep trying to think optimistically.

A little Bit lazy a Little Bit Hypo, I’m sorry to hear that your parents fight all the time. When my husband and I fight, he yells and I stay quiet usually. Sometimes I’ve been known to yell, too, but not normally. Last night we were in his studio (part of the house is his art studio) upstairs and my daughter was downstairs in another part of the house on the computer. I doubt she heard anything. At least I hope that she didn’t. Usually if she does she’ll ask what happened. She didn’t last night, thank goodness. Tonight I’m going to visit you and leave a comment there. Thank you for keeping me mindful about my daughter.

If anyone else is reading this, ya’ll need to visit Linda and Her Surroundings, HappyStill and A little Bit lazy a Little Bit Hypo. Great blogs. I look for updates in them every night.

OK I’m signing off. Don’t want to bore ya’ll to tears and I have run out of things to say (imagine that!).

Good night everyone. Sleep well and I am grateful for your postings.

3 comments:

Linda and her Twaddle said...

Teenage love - that is so important to nurture. I wish I could relive that first feeling of really, really liking someone.If you could bottle it and have a swig now and then......Although it must be hard being a mother with a teenage daughter - so many things to look out for. I have always been fascinated how anyone can stick a lens in their eye and leave it there all day!
Have fun ploughing through all that paperwork on the weekend. You will probably find it not as difficult as you think and then you can handball it to an expert to sort out.

A little Bit lazy a Little Bit Hypo said...

Firstly, I would like to say a huge thankyou once again for the comments you have been leaving. I find it so amazing, that the one person who is reading my log, has so much useful advice to give, and is compassionate enough to take the time out to help.

In referance to my friend, she also suffers from severe depression, and recently met her dad again for the first time in a year. Apparently his new girlfriend said he had to choose between her or Clare, so her dad comes up to her and says that him and the girlfriend have broken up. Clare assumed that he chose her over the girlfriend, but when questioning him on it, he says "No actually, I chose her, but she broke up with me anyway"

As well as this, relationships, school and a number of other things, have messed with her, and she hasnt coped too well. Its so hard for me to see her that way.

Brett Whiteley... A definite must see. :D

Thankyou for your advice on psyches. It was very helpful. Oh and the advice on whether or not to admit to things... well, that was extremely insightful. I was thinking, and the reason I want to confess, is I guess, I dont know if he would still love me if he knew, therefore, does he actually love me, or does he love the person he thinks I am. Thats so hard to deal with. But I think I'll take your advice because it was very well hought out and made alot of sense.

Contact lenses aye? I'v never needed glasses or contacts, which I'm greatful for, but if I was to wear contacts, I'd be constantly worrying that they would get lost in my eye :S

Good luck with the paperwork :S Sounds less than exciting! Oh and thanks for mentioning me on your blog. As soon as I work out how, I will do the same iwth you, except, I dont have many readers anyway, so It probably wont make a difference :p

Lots of love
xox

HappyStill said...

You have a daughter who wants to tell you all her news! Look at the comment from 'little bit lazy..'! Your daughter must be so proud to have a mum who wants to listen to her. You're skint.. but far from bankrupt in any other way.
Ps Am I the only person who can't read the word verification?

 
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