Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Monologues and Extreme Fatigue

I worked late tonight to make overtime pay and I plan to do that again tomorrow and Friday night and Saturday. I hope that I can get through it.

When I got home late my husband and I discussed our finances, which are in the serious shitter right now and of course he was not able to discuss it, he yelled and screamed and talked on end to where it felt like I was listening to a monologue. I did not get a word in edge-wise. When I did talk, I was interrupted and basically came away with the feeling that it really doesn't matter what I say.

I did try to create boundaries (which they taught in the hospital) and explained after listening to an hour and a half of screaming (which a lot of what he said was the same as what he screamed in my ear at work yesterday), that I couldn't listen to it anymore. I said it very nicely and my voice was never raised the entire discussion. I am just dead tired. And depressed. And it's just too much to go through our reality as it is without him adding to the destruction by the drama and yelling.

When I told him that I was going to go downstairs because my ears hurt, I was tired, worked late and wanted to go straight to bed, he said "Oh well...and I have to go to work tonight! I wish that I could go to bed." He then said, "Well, you married a Moroccan and Moroccans are not stone-cold people that patiently listen when something is wrong. We move our hands and our feet and we yell and that's the way it is. I'm not changing because this is the way I was raised. You should have known that when you married me."

I proceeded to remind him of my parents and how meek and quiet they are (compared to my husband, "meek" works) and how I grew up with them. I remember being younger and my biological father yelling at his fourth or fifth wife (cannot keep up) and I started crying because I wasn't used to all of the yelling and it upset me a lot. I can't stand the yelling now. Nothing has really changed where somehow I built this very thick hide that is impenetrable. If anyone knows how to do this, please let me know! I told him that he should have known how I am when he married me as well.

He said that I had to get used to him acting out like that and I told him that he had to get used to me. He said that he could never get used to me and not react. I then reminded him that if we are in stressful circumstances like that, the worst thing to do is yell and scream because it makes the energy go down to hell somewhere, nothing gets accomplished and people walk away from it heavy in their heart and soul. It’s just not effective.

So...I walked downstairs, took a shower, made my lunch for tomorrow and kissed my child good night. I am now blogging and then I'm going to bed because today has been very full and I've had enough. And when I wake up, it will feel like 20 minutes passed and I'll be dead tired and have to get ready for work again.

I've cried three times at work today. This isn't good. Yesterday I cried as well.

Today I found out that if I didn't make at least one payment on my car that it would be repossessed. That has NEVER happened to me. I was able to make one payment, but had to find a Western Union (never been there) to make a payment so that it's not taken away. I need my car to get to work and make money.

I called the bankruptcy attorney today to no avail. He was not there to make an appointment, but his secretary said he should be in the office tomorrow and to call then. I will call again because I really need to talk with him and explore my options pronto.

Not only was I running to Western Union for the car, I also had to talk with my car insurance agent. I have to make a payment by this Friday or my insurance will be cancelled. I've known the agent for years and he is a very nice guy. He also is my family's agent. I told him that my husband gets paid this Friday and if it would be possible if I wrote a check to go in Friday. He said that he needed it by 5:00pm tomorrow. His office is about a 30-minute drive from where I work and then he asked where I worked. When he found out, he said..."I live about five minutes from there. Let me give you directions and you can drop it off there so you don't have to drive all the way here." I thanked him profusely and went by his house as well and hid the check under a planter. I am very grateful to him because he didn't have to do that!

I have never in my 35 years of living had to run around like that paying money for past due bills! What stress and feelings of failure! And then when my husband sits there and gives an entire monologue on how this affects him and he yells and screams and jumps around and basically tells me that he will leave if we don't sell this's just all extremely amazing. Especially when we started off the conversation very mildly in the first place. I had worked today on a budget from here until November and we discussed it. I asked that we review it every week. He agreed and I thought things were going exceptionally well. Until the monologue. And I love how he tells me hurtful things and then ends it with "I didn't want to tell you that". I said..."well don't!".

He is at work now. I am about to go to bed. I hope that I can sleep. If I don’t stop writing about this, I’ll never stop. I feel like I’m going round and round with the same thoughts in my head. I have to stop writing about this.

I want to end with two things:

The first thing is gratitude – I feel grateful that I was able to pay the car insurance today so that it didn’t cancel and the car so that it wasn’t repossessed. I feel grateful to my daughter who I could tell wanted to chit-chat tonight, but I couldn’t give her all the time she needed because I got home from work late and then had to discuss finances with my husband. I gave her a big hug and apologized saying that it was a not-so-good night for me and if we could talk about what she wanted to talk about tomorrow. I reassured her that none of it had to do with her, that I was going through my own problems and am trying to fix them and everything would be fine. She smiled at me and gave me a hug and kiss and said "OK problem. We can talk about it tomorrow." I love her a lot.

And last, but not least, I want to say that I have had good intentions my entire life, but I am a failure. My intentions weren't good enough and in the end didn’t really matter when I look at the mess we are in today.

I failed. As Dr. Phil says, “It is what it is”.

And knowing this just tears me up inside.


Anonymous said...

It sounds very, very hard for you both at the moment. Although there are things we all have to be grateful for, it is perfectly acceptable to be really, really shitty about what is happening in your life right now. Whilst there will always be other people worse off it in no way negates your right to feel a bit sorry for yourself - to deny it is not really ideal. There is a good book that I read quite often because it just felt right reading it and I spent 6 months really adopting the principles of it. It is called "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. Some of it is twaddle, but what I really got from it was learning to just be in the "now" space which is, for me, the best way to function. Might be worth a read. Your husband is probably an emotional person and may be feeling like a poor provider due to circumstances that may be beyond his and your control. I imagine that a man from a Moroccan background would have some strong thoughts about what he should be doing to be a good husband. So, maybe he is feeling a bit down on himself and does not know how to express it easily? Pick a time to talk when neither of you are tired - and go off site to talk - out of the house on neutral ground, to have a coffee and when things get too emotional, change the subject (takes practice). When you marry someone, do not expect them to change as the only person who can change is the one who feels they need to. You are not a failure - you are going through a hard time and the fact you are actually looking at it all face on is a step in the right direction. Day by day - be kind to yourself and look after yourself because that is just the most important thing. Gee, that was a long comment I am leaving!!!

Anonymous said...

Hi again
I agree with Linda - you aren't a failure! You are a woman who is having a nasty time. The big difference is that you are sharing it. You might be surprised at what's going on in other people's houses. Having money, or not having it, is not a measure of your success / failure as a person. It's only a measure of how much money you have.
You will talk to the advisor, he will point you in the right direction and you and your family will find your way to wherever you need to be. Whatever is happening now is temporary and it will pass.
You didn't get unwell on purpose and it's a lousy system that treated you for a mental health issue and then makes you ill worrying about how you'll pay for it!
And as Linda says, you don't have to be grateful all the time. Sometimes it's ok to be angry. I can't comment on marriage etc cos, as you know, it's not really my area of expertise.
Sorry for the long comment.
Keep smiling

Anonymous said...

Firstly Id like to say a huge thankyou for the comment you left me. You have a great way of analysing situations, and really helping me to see past all the trivial stuff.
As im a bit young to really understand all the financial stuff you are going through, I find it hard to relate. But I do know my parents fight all the time about money, and it's very hard on my mum. My mother is extremely depressed and has tried to take her life a few times. She finds it really hard dealing with my dad, because he is so tempremental. He doesnt understand her at all, and isn't afraid to yell and scream (and lately i've found out from my mum, be agressive). I don't get along well with him, and I'm the only one in the family who has the guts to stand up for myself. Mum is scared that he will do something, and my little sister is totally unaware that he is a dickhead.
Its hard on my mum, but she's medecated now which is helping her. In the long run, i've kind of picked up on the fact that relationships don't work unless you can understand each other. That's where my parents have trouble. My mother sounds alot like you from what I have read, and my dad is the total opposite.
Sometimes that's what keeps them together, but since my sister lives at boarding school, I guess I've been forced into the middle of all their fights. Its really hard for all three of us, and I guess its vital that you help support yur daughter, and never let her be in the middle of any fights.
Keep smiling, sometimes when you smile, you can trick yourself into thinking that you are happy. And also, similar to what you said to me, I've found that there are ways that you can use your depression for good. Like through art, and writing etc.
You're stance on religion really got me thinking, and I guess that its useless trying to make people understand you. Lately, iv realised that only I can judge myself, and that the other people who think that they can, either don't know me, or dont know themselves.
Keep strong.

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