Sunday, November 16, 2008

Sabotage No More

I have sabotaged myself long enough. Today was a much better day because I actually got off my fat behind and got busy. For starters I actually exercised by taking HoneyBunny for a walk. She and I were both out of breath by the time we got home, but we did it and HB was SOOOOO happy about it. She loves walking. I wish I did. I hated every step I took but just put one foot in front of the other and kept going. I cannot believe that years ago I was a cross-country runner and actually ran 10 miles a day. Right now I can't walk even a mile without thinking I'm going to die. I had great legs back then. In fact, I remember I could eat anything in the world and not gain an ounce. Right now I think about food while walking and gain weight. Hopefully, the tide will turn soon.

I picked up my daughter from practicing for a Christmas play at a local church. I then went shopping for HB and got her a little harness. With the way she walks so excitedly with the leash, she jerks her head forward a lot and chokes herself and hacks and coughs. The dog harness is much better and she didn't gag once. It even felt like there was more control while walking her because her jerking her head forward didn't affect me at all while using the harness.

I've been working on homework today and though I'm still behind I feel better about it because at least some tasks are being accomplished.

I took a shower after the walk and dried my hair and am now eating a nice salad. I love fruits and vegetables and am currently eating a mixture of carrots, green peppers, cucumbers, tomatoes, chickpeas, olives, almonds, a little feta cheese and a boiled egg. I don't use salad dressing because it's not needed. I like the taste just the way it is.

Today I was thinking about how difficult it is at times to get going on tasks that need to be completed because it seems so overwhelming, but once you do get started it gets easier and I've even experienced periods of relief today. When I don't get done what I need to I just feel so horribly lazy and that always makes me feel worse and has the opposite affect on me wanting to get stuff done. Nike has a good slogan..."Just do it". I need to remember that and not get so caught up on the negatives. Sometimes I try so hard to be perfect that if I can't finish a task perfectly I don't want to even start and then I get behind and then I feel bad and then I feel overwhelmed and then I feel depressed and anxious and then it's even more difficult to JUST DO IT.

So, I'm doing it today. I am going to continue. The sabotaging has to stop. It's so ridiculous when I think about it.


Kayla from OCD Lives Here tagged me with the following...

The tag rules are as follows:

  1. Each player starts with eight random fact/habits about themselves.
  2. People who are tagged need to write in their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
  3. At the end of your blog post tag eight people and list their names.
  4. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’ve been tagged and to read your blog.
My 8 random facts:
  1. I used to be in the Navy and was a Mineman (built/maintained underwater mines, or bombs).
  2. While in the Navy and living in Scotland, the Commander in our unit killed himself the weekend before he was to go back to the States. He had sex with different girls in our unit who were not officers like himself (big no-no in the Navy), showed favoritism towards these girls, contracted a venereal disease with one of them and gave that gift to his wife. He was being sent back to the States to be punished because of his behavior (one of the people who got in trouble all of the time was sick of the other girls being favored constantly and not having to work and reported him. Admirals flew in, lie-detector tests were performed and he got popped). The night he killed himself I was on duty and was asked to identify his body. He had died by driving his motorcycle the fastest he could go on this little Scottish road and ran head-on into another car that a pregnant woman was driving. His body ended up in the top of a tree. I never knew what happened to the pregnant lady. All I know is that it was the first time I did not follow an order because I said I shouldn't be the one to go, that the senior watch officer in charge should go. He ended up going, thank God. I didn't want to see that. I was 18 years old.
  3. As you see, I can be wordy at times.
  4. I thought about how fat I am today and wanted to kill myself. This is nothing new.
  5. I am going to university and currently have a 4.0 GPA and if I don't get my butt in gear I'll lose it because I am very far behind in schoolwork. It feels overwhelming.
  6. I went skydiving and loved it. Jumped out of a plane at 13,000 feet and it was a spiritual experience. I would do it again.
  7. I plan to use my tax money and visit Morocco this summer. I usually pay bills with it but not this time. It becomes a bit embarrassing to answer "no" when people ask if I've visited where my husband is from and we've been together almost nine years now.
  8. I love a slice of lemon in my water. I even wedge a slice of it into my bottled water before going to work in the morning.
I'll tag and you play if you would like:
  1. Linda
  2. Daisy
  3. Hope 
  4. Eccedentesiast 
  5. La 
  6. Crotchety Old Man
  7. Annie's Rexia 
  8. Stephany
Didn't get any schoolwork done but am going to try and go to sleep. I hope to get it done tomorrow.

Talk about sabotaging myself...sheesh.


It's 2:32am and I cannot sleep. I have a feeling this will be a long night and sleep will not arrive. I did try going to sleep by cutting off the light, laying there for a while, tossing, turning, and finally getting up and lugging my laptop to the living room so that I don't wake my husband. I also have my C++ programming textbook with me. I need to read, read, read and write a few computer programs and I guess this would be a great time to do it. The house is silent and this would be the best time.

If I could think....

If I could focus....

this would be the best time.

I am going to try. I will feel really happy if I can get through all of these pages and write these programs. I won't feel so overwhelmed with it all and then tomorrow I can work on sociology.

I wonder if I can do this. We shall see.

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