Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Sing Me to Sleep

I am typing this from my cellphone, so the spelling and grammar won't be the best.

When I was 13 years old my favorite song was a song by "The Smiths" called "Sing Me to Sleep". For some reason the song has been sliding through my mind like an oiled serpent these past few days. Verses such as:

"Sing me to sleep. Sing me to sleep. I'm tired and I want to go to bed. Sing to me...Sing to me...And then leave me alone. Don't try to wake me in the morning 'cause I will be gone. Don't feel bad for me. I want you to know that deep in the cell of my heart I will feel so glad to go. There is another world. There is a better world. Aaahhh there must be....aaaahhhh there must be."

The jaws of depression are ever wider as they beckon me to the darkness and sleep that I crave.

I realize that my period visiting is causing a lot of this hormonal upheaval. I've been in so much physical pain as well. It is so very debilitating and I can't stand much more.

If this is life as we know it, I don't want to be included.

I'm in so much pain with no way out and I hate myself so very much.

Will it ever end or do I need to end it?

John, you asked what my values are. I have pondered this question over and over to no avail. All I know right now is that I want this all-encompassing pain to go away. I want to stop being afraid. I want the demons to be set free...they must be so very bored with me...I want to stop thinking about me. It's so selfish to do and accomplishes nothing.

I've had values my whole life and I have stuck by them such as being good to others, self-sacrifice, hard work, raising a peaceful and confident and sweet child. working hard for a good marriage, working hard to get somewhere in life and bettering yourself, no stealing or lying is permissible. Be real...stand strong...help others and never judge.

I want to be strong yet feel so weak.

When I have lucid moments of wanting Dr. Phil to knock on my front door, I feel so weak because it's times like this when I am fully aware of my desperation.

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