Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Sing Me to Sleep

I am typing this from my cellphone, so the spelling and grammar won't be the best.

When I was 13 years old my favorite song was a song by "The Smiths" called "Sing Me to Sleep". For some reason the song has been sliding through my mind like an oiled serpent these past few days. Verses such as:

"Sing me to sleep. Sing me to sleep. I'm tired and I want to go to bed. Sing to me...Sing to me...And then leave me alone. Don't try to wake me in the morning 'cause I will be gone. Don't feel bad for me. I want you to know that deep in the cell of my heart I will feel so glad to go. There is another world. There is a better world. Aaahhh there must be....aaaahhhh there must be."

The jaws of depression are ever wider as they beckon me to the darkness and sleep that I crave.

I realize that my period visiting is causing a lot of this hormonal upheaval. I've been in so much physical pain as well. It is so very debilitating and I can't stand much more.

If this is life as we know it, I don't want to be included.

I'm in so much pain with no way out and I hate myself so very much.

Will it ever end or do I need to end it?

John, you asked what my values are. I have pondered this question over and over to no avail. All I know right now is that I want this all-encompassing pain to go away. I want to stop being afraid. I want the demons to be set free...they must be so very bored with me...I want to stop thinking about me. It's so selfish to do and accomplishes nothing.

I've had values my whole life and I have stuck by them such as being good to others, self-sacrifice, hard work, raising a peaceful and confident and sweet child. working hard for a good marriage, working hard to get somewhere in life and bettering yourself, no stealing or lying is permissible. Be real...stand strong...help others and never judge.

I want to be strong yet feel so weak.

When I have lucid moments of wanting Dr. Phil to knock on my front door, I feel so weak because it's times like this when I am fully aware of my desperation.

4 comments:

Rylah/Jacqui said...

I don't know what to say other than I hear you and I hope this passes for you soon. I know what it's like to be so low, so sending hugs and positive thoughts your way. You never know - they might just get there.... thinking of you.
Jac xXx

John Finn said...

The question on values, which I bounced back at you, isn't an easy one to answer. It gnaws at me even still - but what I took from the effort of answering it is the realization that, in spit of all that I'm not happy about, there are things that I value in this life of mine, such as it is.

And while I'm no fan of sappy, optimistic little sayings (look on the bright side, count your blessings, stop and smell the roses ... all make me retch), there is some value in reflecting on what's right, especially when you feel totally overwhelmed and helpless in the face of what's wrong.

It's not a cure, to be certain, but it's a bit of relief, and we all need that sometimes.

Zathyn Priest said...

I thought the insurance might be a problem - but there are support groups run by everyday people going through similar things that cost nothing. As someone who's discovered the benefit and wonderful people who attend these group meetings, I can't recommend it enough. The bottom line is you need help and assistance. It's out there - it may take several phone calls to track down this help, but it's there.

Judy B said...

I notice that before and during my period I can get suicidally depressed. It must partly be hormones worsening the depression in my case. Just hang on and I hope you feel better soon.

 
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