I started the night by taking pictures to post on the blog, but that wasn't successful either because my daughter's digital camera went loopy and cut off and didn't cut back on (bad news because it did this even after putting in fresh batteries) and my husband's digital camera battery is dead. So, not many pictures were taken and am a bit bummed by that. I thought it would be fun to post the pictures especially for all of you overseas. I plan to take pictures tomorrow and will post them here this weekend.
Tomorrow twelve people will be eating lunch with us along with my parents, my husband's sister and her family and a friend of my husband's from university. My Mom is making macaroni and cheese and a broccoli salad. I'm making the turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes (not out of a box but the real ones), stuffing, three-layer pumpkin pie, squash casserole, peas, french bread, sweet potato casserole and cranberry sauce. Tonight I've made everything except the turkey, gravy and stuffing. I should get up by 7:00am in order to pop the turkey in the oven in time and we'll eat by 1:00pm. I just hope that I'll be able to get all of the food on the table at the same time and it will all be hot. That is definitely an art that I don't possess. We shall see.
While cooking I was listening to the radio and a song that I loved as a teenager from "The Fixx" played called "One Thing Leads to Another". The first time I heard it was one of the rare times I saw my biological father named Jim. He was visiting his Mom and she picked me up to go to her house so that I could see him (note, so that I could see him because he never visited me). He had the song on a tape in his car and I went nuts. I played it over and over again and begged him for the tape. I remember he wasn't happy giving it to me but did anyway. Hearing the song made me wonder what he was doing tonight. What will his Thanksgiving be like tomorrow? Is he happy? Does he think about me? I haven't seen him for twelve years. The last time I spoke with him on the telephone was approximately eight years ago. I had called asking if we could have lunch together. I told him that I was hoping that maybe we could get to know each other as adults. He actually said, "Well I understand why you would want to see me. I do the same as you. I want to go see my parents because they are a point of reference to me. It is good to see them and project how you will age". I was flabbergasted. He thought I wanted to see him to see how I would age! He said that we would get together for lunch and he would contact me and of course he never did.
I remember being pregnant with my daughter almost sixteen years ago and speaking with him on the phone. As always I had called him. We had a huge spat to the point that I was almost hyperventilating (he and my husband are the only people in this world that have made me that upset) and he asked me, "Why do you keep trying to be my friend?"
I did call him sporadically over the years (maybe twice after that?) and I have to ask myself why did I keep trying to be his friend? Thinking about it all now makes me want to cry. Tears appear but don't fall. My heart falls though. I never understood why he didn't love me or was there for me or why he had nothing to do with me. I blamed myself as a child and always felt rejected because of it. Now that I'm 37 it's easier and don't blame myself anymore. He is bipolar and definitely has issues. I guess I will just always wonder, "What if?" I am curious if he will ever call if he discovers that he is terminally ill or is on his deathbed. I have a feeling that he will not. Why start then? I think I will go to my grave never understanding him. I am his only child with his only grandchild. That doesn't seem to matter to him. I don't think it ever will.
Wow, what a morose conversation at 1:47am. I've been running back and forth to check on the pumpkin pie. It's still too wet in the middle and still cooking.
The video is below. It's quite hilarious to watch because it's so 80's. I wonder what the band members think about that video when they watch it in 2008. They must smile like you do when seeing a picture of yourself wearing some crazy outfit like parachute pants and the Members Only jacket or the classic mullet hairstyle.
I found the following cartoon on the Internet:
At times I feel it's embarrassing to be an American when I think of certain events that occurred in American history.
I just realized that this post is going all over the place. Let me get it back to the topic, which is giving thanks. At this time of year I would like to list what I'm thankful for below.
- I am very thankful for my daughter. She is the light of my life and if it wasn't for her I am sure that I would have offed myself ages ago.
- I am very thankful for my husband. Yes, he drives me insane. He has good intentions, though. He has issues like the rest of us and he has really been working to improve himself and our relationship. He has been very good to my daughter over the years. That says a lot considering the fact that he has never had children.
- I am very thankful for my Mom. Sometimes she drives me crazy and the more I understand her the sadder it makes me sometimes, but I just need to learn to accept and move on. She is a good mother and tried her best. Sometimes it wasn't good enough, but she honestly couldn't help it. She was adopted by a 50-year old couple who had never had children and weren't affectionate. They did wonderful things for her and took great care of her, but they could be quite cold at times and because of them my Mom was an adult at five years of age, or at least she was expected to act like one.
- I am very thankful for my stepfather. He had been previously married prior to marrying my Mom and had three children ten years older than me. He always told everyone that he had four children and always treated me like his own. If it wasn't for him and my Uncle Jimmy I would really hate men, I think. They taught me how to be treated and valued me unconditionally. I am eternally grateful. It was recently Daddy's birthday and he went away for the night and I wasn't able to see him. I ordered a birthday cake and tomorrow after Thanksgiving lunch I am going to put candles on the cake, light them up and walk out singing "Happy Birthday". He will absolutely love it. He loves special attention like sometimes.
- I am very grateful that my cousins and I were reunited this past year. I need to write about that sometime. I grew up with them and spent a lot of time with them every summer and over the holidays as a child. I consider them to be the sisters I never had. I love them dearly and am absolutely thrilled that we are now talking with each other, spending time together and being in each others lives. I never thought that would happen and the miracle occurred.
- I am so very thankful for my dog named HoneyBunny. She is such a wonderful superhuman and I adore her more every day.
- I am very thankful to be able to attend university and finally get my degree one day.
- I am very thankful to have a job during these tough economic times. Though I can't stand it most of the time at least I am able to pay the bills.
- I am thankful that I made the decision to start the women's boot camp and will be starting this Monday. For once I am doing something for myself and am proud about that.
- I am thankful that the store I shop for clothes at had a "buy one, get one free" sale and that I also had a coupon for $75.00 off. I went shopping today before coming home to cook because I just wanted to feel nice tomorrow with a new outfit. I haven't bought myself an outfit in years and am tired of wearing the same thing every weekend. It becomes depressing over time. I just wanted to feel good about myself. It will feel good to put on new clothes. I haven't experienced that feeling in years. I even bought some new pajamas. This is embarrassing to say, but I have three other pajamas that I have worn for eight years now. They all have holes in them in a lot of different places, the hem is gone and they are falling apart. It was depressing to see myself like that night after night. I can't wait to put on my new pj's. I'll feel like a different person.
- Last and most certainly not least, I am so thankful to each of you who visit my blog. I am so very grateful for the people who have commented in my blog and have given so much support over this past year. I am continually amazed by the people who lift me up mentally and spiritually through this blog. I hope that you realize what an impact you have had on my life. You have helped me to get better and get through this journey of life. I wish that I could invite you all for dinner tomorrow and you could join me. I just wish that I could give each of you a hug.
- I would especially like to thank Linda, Daisy, John Finn, HappyStill and Zathyn Priest. We all found each other when I first started this blog and you all have been so very supportive and empowering to me. I cannot begin to thank you all enough.
- I am also thankful that I am able to buy all of the Thanksgiving food and cook it tonight and tomorrow. Seriously, America is in a war (two in my opinion - Afghanistan and Iraq) and you would never know it really. Most Americans don't realize how lucky they are compared to many nations around the world.