Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Some Things Never Change

Warning. If you are in a bad place, don't read this now. It may not help you a bit and if anything may make you feel worse. I don't want to trigger anyone.

I made it into work today. I didn't get there until around 11:00am, but at least I was there. When finally able to get myself out of the bed my internal dialogue went something like the following:

  • I don't want to go to work.
  • I can't face people today.
  • I can't interact.
  • I won't be able to focus.
  • What the hell am I doing?
  • Who am I kidding?
  • I am a loser.
  • Thank God the world doesn't depend on me to get things done or we would be extinct.
  • What an arrogant thing to think!
  • The economy is in shambles and I can't get out of bed? I could lose my job for gawd's sake and here I am not able to go because of what? BECAUSE I AM A LOSER!
  • Do I really have depression or am I just a loser who is lazy as hell?
  • I am a loser and am lazy as hell.
  • I want to die.
  • I want to just end this shit.
  • I have no will to live any more or will to do ANYTHING!
  • Wait...I have no will? What happened to it? What happened to my determination?
  • What happened to me?
  • I just want to die and end this.
I had these thoughts as I brushed my teeth, washed my face, put on my clothes, etc. The talk never stopped and the voice in my head never took a breath. It was incessant and made me even more miserable.

I got into my car, drove to work and trudged inside. Did I get a lick of work done? Absolutely not. I was a sitting corpse with a rotting soul only wanting to be cremated, turned to ashes and disappear in the breeze.

I couldn't focus though I tried. It became very frustrating because focus was next to nothing and I felt even more of a loser.

I did realize a few things today while rotting in my chair:
  • I have no support system. I really cannot count on my husband or parents to be there emotionally for me in times like this. If anything, because my husband has treated me so poorly in the past while I've had a bad downward spiral into depression I never want to tell him the depths of my despair. I make excuses to make living with him during the dark time not as difficult. I can't talk with my Mom because she goes silent. She doesn't know what to say and both my husband and Mom become very worried to the point that it is of no benefit to me at all. In fact, it is a hindrance. Seriously, all I wish for during that time is acceptance and love. I wish someone would just hug me. They don't have to understand me, but acceptance would be most beneficial. The only support system I can say I have is my dog, HoneyBunny. She lays by me the entire time and never wavers in her love. She never leaves.
  • I really have lost my determination in life. I have no clue where it went or how to get it back.
  • I am seriously sick right now and need to check in with a doctor. I can't afford it with my crap medical insurance (mostly crap when it concerns mental health) and the cheapest counselor I've found is $110 an hour! Just going once a week would be $440 and going even once a month wouldn't be enough to help emotionally in the beginning at least.
  • I really don't know if I can deal with this for the rest of my life. I've said this before, but I realized the depth of this even more today.
  • I really do want to die because I just want to end the pain. If it weren't for my daughter, I would have been dead long ago. My mind has thoughts like, "Well, it would hurt her at first, but she will get better with time", "I can write her a letter and though she won't understand as much now, she will as an adult". It is called rationalization. I realize this. Once again, I wish I could see a counselor.
  • I have tried so hard to be a good mom and am so worried that my daughter will remember her teen years as the time she realized her Mom has depression. I am worried that she will end up in a counselor's office one day as an adult talking about me and how I ruined her life. I then realize that it will most definitely happen if I do myself in.
I am crying now. I don't know what to do. I am so behind in my schoolwork, my Christmas tree isn't up yet, and for goodness sake, I just need a break from all thinking and feeling.

I just want to sleep.

The following song came out in 1987 when I was 16 years old. The Smiths sang it and the song name is "Asleep". At times like these I still listen to it. Some things never change...just like this damn depression.

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I'm tired and I
I want to go to bed

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
And then leave me alone
Don't try to wake me in the morning
'Cause I will be gone
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore

Sing to me
Sing to me
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore

Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I really want to go

There is another world
There is a better world
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well ...

Bye bye
Bye bye
Bye ...


Van said...

Well, congrats on making it in. Reading your thoughts is really haunting because I find your thoughts mirror mine to a large degree.

Again, you are not a loser... no matter how much we may feel like it, we are not. It's the depression.

I find there are very few people who I can turn to for support, mainly because no one "gets" what I am going through. I suspect that is the same for you...

Just keep writing, keep talking on the blog. There are plenty of people here who can relate.

You will make it...

Be well.


Desert Rat said...

V is right you are not a loser, just look at your beautiful daughter!

I have also felt this way many times, I was up so high in my life - had love, a home, a great paying job and I was a boy scout mom - and then I choose another man - an old love who I thought got away. I gave up my home, my life, my great paying job and I'm no longer a boy scout mom, the one that got away is unkind and not lovable like I am used to...BUT our lives are like this - UP and then down...we have to try to find the positive things especially because of our child/ren - They need us and rely on our love and to show them a better way; in this way they help us to remain strong and alive. Something to try - ask for a day off or call in sick - shut off your phone and sleep in, then get up drink something with chocolate and put your tree up alone in peace, I think even if only temporarily you will feel better.
Best wishes, I know you feel isolated - keep writing.

Wandering Coyote said...

I have been here so many times it isn't funny. Yes, you need a support system - this is way too difficult and complicated to do on your own. I feel so badly that you can't get the help you require...I hear this so often from my American friends. I don't know what resources to refer you to...Are there not any social services that might be able to help you? A social worker that can point you in the right direction, even? I feel very helpless. All I can say is that I understand and that you did very well by getting up and going in today, despite that tape playing in your mind. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

linda said...

Catherine, the fact you made it into work today is amazing.

That whole lack of support system is terrible. Often people who have not been through what you are experiencing just feel downrigh awkward when you talk about it. I can really understand you not wanting to share it with your mum and husband. They just don't get it. Plus, they always want to 'fix" it. Rather than hold your hand and help you ride it through.

Ah, well, let me tell you, if you did take your life your daughter would feel more burdened and hurt by that than the fact you are chronically depressed. She would always wonder what she could have done to stop you, help you etc. Being dead is not a problem except for those who are left behind. It is cruel. So, keep the thought of your girl always at the front of your head.

You are not a loser - really. You may feel like one, but the fact is, you are depressed and that is a complex and difficult path to travel down.

Hugs and kisses to you.

Border Life said...

I'm so glad you made it in today. Keep going.

Border Life said...

FWIW, Here's what my therapist and I worked out for me when I was having trouble getting in to work and not working while I was at work...

Pick 1 thing to get done tomorrow and break it down. Tell yourself you'll work on it 10 minutes, or just until you get to xyz point. Start by writing down what has to has to has to get done by when, and then start on the first thing. Break that thing into the smallest units of "done" you can. You can't solve the issue of a support system or your daughter in the next 24 hours, so narrow your worries and energy. I'd do "24, 6, and 5" from the link below CONSTANTLY...well, aside from taking copious cigarette breaks and staring at nothing... one of my first goals was to keep my ass in my chair. My therapist keeps telling me, you can't think your way out of depression, you have to do your way out of it. Much easier said than done-- I'm still depressed. I am working now, some days more/better than others. Almost enough to alleviate my anxiety about not working.


You can do this. Start with the first step, and then tell yourself, "just take the next step"...

Ok, unsolicited therapy cliff notes mode "off"...

I'm so sorry you are going through this difficult time.

<3 BL

la said...

I empathise with so much of what you're saying. I wish I lived closer so I could go to the store and pick up what you need, cook you some food and just keep you company for a while (even if you didn't want it.)

Husbands sometimes seem to think if they're too nice to you during this time then they're not encouraging you to get better. It's so hard when what you need is to feel accepted and reassured.

I hope you feel better soon. Maybe put your tree up with your daughter and listen to This Charming Man.

Anonymous said...

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la said...

I think I speak for everyone when I say fuck off xanax you parasitic whore.

Karen ^..^ said...

Focus on the one good thing... Despite that treacherous voice, you made it in to work. Like Linda said, that is amazing. I'm proud of you. I don't know where you live, but you need to knock on as many doors as you can, to get help. These thoughts will lead you to a path where it justifies the ultimate destruction of you. Please don't let that happen. Please give yourself a good pat on the back for the good things you achieve. Don't knock yourself down for them. Please, they are so monumentally difficult for someone in your position. People have failed you throughout your life. Please do not fail yourself. You are all your daughter has. Don't fail yourself. Hang on, and find someone to talk to. It's hard to listen to voices on the internet, as a support system, but I read your comments to others, and you have enormous compassion. Save some of that for yourself and give yourself a break.


Laura said...

There's not much I can add to what's already been said but I must stress, you're not a loser at all. You're experiencing depression and doing your best to cope with it. You did well to go into work at all. I understand about the mean little thoughts in your head. I get them all the time. You just have to learn to ignore them and not listen to their foolishness. Go easy on yourself (((((((chunks of reality)))))

Anonymous said...

This might sound really stupid but why don't you ask for a hug from a trust co-worker? Or just hug them and risk sexual harassment but really what do you have to lose? I am in the same place you are at the moment except I have an ex husband who is just piling more shit on top of me..but at least he is an ex. I know I need a hug, I'm sure it would do me more good than any pill or therapy ever could. My children hug me and that is nice but since I am trying so hard not to fall apart around them it isn't the hug I need. I need the June Cleaver or some other mom to make me some soup and tell me it is going to be ok.
My dad used to tell me regularly that he wanted to kill himself. He started sharing this with me when I was about 9. It truly fucked me up because I did everything I could to try and make his life better. And he let me. I never got my life off the ground and am now trying to figure out how to go back in time. He's dead so he doesn't have to deal with the mess. No, he didn't kill himself.
Hang in there. I'm sending you a hug and I think you are great just the way you are.

Kayla said...

I am just catching up on my blog reading and I'm so sorry to find you are feeling this way. I wish I could wave a wand and make everything better for you. Stay honest with your feelings, there are many of us out here supporting you, don't forget that!

Chunks of Reality said...

Thank you everyone for all of your kind words, comfort and support. It just astounds me how much you all impact my life.

Thank you so very much.

*hugs everyone!*

Agnes Mildew said...

You're definitely no loser, Catherine. And it makes very sad to read what you are going through. Such depths of despair.

It may sound trite, but you really aren't alone, you know.

In the UK, there is a free phone service called The Samaritans. I am almost 100% certain it can still be accessed from abroad - maybe there is a US organisation anyway? When I lived in Oman I was able to call them in the UK. They just offer a listening ear, paraphrasing, talking to you gently, in a non-judgemental way - and they allow you to cry, scream, rant, 'be'. They don't expect anything from you. Can you Google them and see if there is anything available in your state? Actually, here is your first point of call: www.samaritansnyc.org

Give them a whirl - they may be the answer you need at this time.

Take care and lots of love to you xx

Agnes Mildew said...

Just going back over your comments, I am speechless that Xanax could leave such a comment. It really does take all sorts to be a medical rep doesn't it? Perhaps the first criteria is to be totally soulless.

I am surprised you left that one in, Catherine! I think I'd have wrapped that one up in a newspaper filled with dog poo, set it alight, left it on his/her doorstep, knocked on the door and legged it. As they put the fire out, I think they'd be having a bit of a panic attack themselves - hahaha!

Anonymous said...

i am new to your blog and found via Stephany. and I just nominated you for the lemonade award thing going around the blogosphere.

i would like to say, I can completely relate. 3 weeks ago I had suicidal thoughts for the first time in a LONG time. I lost my insurance back in January and so I paid a visit to my internist. I left with samples of Abilify (which I just quit with her permission), Celexa and a Xanax prescription.

My point it, as nasty as Xanax/Valium can be (coming off them, from what I've heard) the Xanax has REALLY helped get me out of a very dark place. I'm nowhere near where I should be but I know I won't be until I can afford acupuncture. Until then, I suggest finding a different doctor or seeing your doctor and explaining your are broke. My doctor agreed to BILL ME (ie...who knows when I'll pay it) and so I was able to get immediate help for free, except for the cost of the xanax prescription.

just a thought. i'm happy i found your blog via Stephany and will continue to visit.

all my best to you.

Unknown said...

HUG .. HUG... HUG... HUG.. HUG

If there's a way of doing telepathic hugs (not sure if that is the right phrase), I am sending them right now.

when I am on the bus to work tomorrow, I will be thinking of you and sending more.

Anonymous said...

I'm not caught up with your blog yet, but reading this entry was like putting a mirror up to my own brain. All I can say is to keep on keepin' on, it HAS to pay off eventually. Right? It HAS TO.

I'll write more in a bit.

Media Junkie said...

i have very similar thoughts everyday - especially in the morning. but by the time i reach work and eat something, i feel slightly less morbid.

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