Thursday, October 22, 2009

Oh, to be Skinny...

Today on the elevator at work I was riding up with a very skinny woman. She must have been in her 40's. I stood there and thought to myself how lucky she is to look like that.

I've lost seven pounds so far. Just under 250 finally and feel that getting to 160 will take forever. It is a huge mountain to climb. I fortify myself with raw vegetables and I am tired of it. Why does it have to be so difficult?

My husband and I still haven't had sex. I don't even know how long it's been now. At least six months? He says that he wants to now, but I just can't after what he's said about my weight in the past. We talked about it last night and I cried myself to sleep.

We talked about what he said in the past about my weight "changing the sexual experience" for him. I asked him to explain more and he said that for him sex is a physical act and not emotional like it is for me. He said that the actual mechanics of having sex are different now and not as comfortable because I have more weight on my body. From a rational perspective, I understand what he means. From an emotional state, it destroys me.

What gets me is that he looks at porn and masturbates to it. I know that he does. He really doesn't need me. He has told me in the past that he prefers masturbation anyway. I don't know for sure, but I'm pretty positive that he masturbates to porn at least once a day if not more. I feel so disgusted with myself that I don't masturbate at all. I have been horny lately but I do nothing about it.

He said last night that he feels really bad about the way I feel. He said that he wants to be honest because I kept asking him in the past why we weren't having sex but that he also feels that he can't or shouldn't be honest with me in the future about stuff like this because of how badly it hurt my feelings. He says that he feels like he is "paying" for being honest now. I completely understand that as well.

He said last night once again that we need to go to a counselor to talk about it. He really is pushing the counseling, though I haven't made an appointment yet.

He has been feeling better physically and mentally lately and has been quite nice around the house. It's times when he is feeling good and isn't stressed out and full of anxiety, being angry all the time, etc. that I'm happy to be together....except for the underlying problems that are buried quite deep.

I told him last night that even if I lose weight and we do have sex again that I will feel having sex with him is conditional and that if I gain weight again, he won't want to be with me. He said that sex isn't conditional with me and that he doesn't want me to feel this way. I told him that I work (am the breadwinner) and provide for the house and bills and try to be a good wife and mother and feel that I'm still not good enough for him. I feel that I have to be perfect in every way for him to be interested in me sexually. He said that it's not true.

I really don't know what's true anymore other than I feel very ugly.

6 comments:

Anonymous Drifter said...

I could have written this post myself. The only difference is my husband refuses to talk about our sexual problems. I think counselling would be a huge help for you and your partner. I always wanted to have marriage counselling myself but my husband would never agree to go.

eccedentesiat said...

I wish you were here so I could give you a hug. I also wish I had something helpful to say but then you know I have my own problems surrounding weight so I doubt there's anything I can say. jUst know I care about my friend over the sea, look after her will you :) xx

Anybeth said...

Thank you for stopping by my blog. i'll come back to yours this weekend and check it out.

mmaaggnnaa said...

Hi!

Wow . . this is really a tough situation! I'm proud of you for being honest about how you feel about the sex being conditional.

I faced the same situation . . my husband was "honest" with me about how my weight changed the experience. You are right in saying that you wouldn't be able to not think about his words if/when sex resumed.

Did you notice -- your weight changed the experience for him and his words changed the experience for you. In both cases (your weight, his words) it was all about him and never about you.

I'll give him credit -- he is being honest with you -- he is showing you his true colors -- his selfishness. He is not supportive of you -- not in sex, not in your healing, not in making your load lighter so you have the energy to make changes.

This so mirrors what happened with me. I am angry on your behalf right now.

- Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)

Lili said...

Hugs honey. You are far more awesome than you realize.

Jewels Diva said...

I agree, give him kudos for being honest, some guys don't bother saying anything.

What I got out of this is that you are way to emotionally involved. Get yourself to counselling!!!!

You need it by yourself to get your self esteem, self confidence and self respect back. Grow to be stronger, to realise your emotional needs are not about him or what he gives you. The whole, I need to love myself or no one else will stuff.

YOU NEED TO LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF!

As for that woman, she's not lucky, she's bloody anorexic. And as for wishing you looked like her, let me tell you, you could lose all the weight you wanted and STILL be unhappy.

Your emotions are what needs to be sorted out. And when you start to deal with whatever issues are keeping the weight on and your emotions on that bloody rollercoaster, then you'll start to see things in different ways and everything will fall into place.

I saw a therapist last year, and let me tell you, venting to someone who can suggest ways of dealing with it is fantastic. They sit and listen while you talk, they suggest different ways of thinking and doing things.

You need to see someone by yourself before even THINKING about dragging him along.

I still think you need to separate so you have the space to not be so freakin stressed out from him and his wants and needs and crybaby ways. You need to get yourself better, or you'll just end up at a place you really don't want to be.

 
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