Tuesday, February 10, 2009

To Consume and Be Consumed

I just want to eat and drink and do anything I can do. My addictive personality is really coming out right now and it's scary as shit. I've had a half of bottle of wine. Last night I had the first half. It's nice to have a buzz. Anything is better than reality. My husband is not happy. His depression is really bad right now. I don't feel married and feel quite alone.

This isn't me. I don't do this. It's times like this that I know I could be an alcoholic and a junkie. That is why I've never judged other addicts. Just because I'm not an alcoholic or drug user doesn't mean I'm not an addict. Oh, I am and tonight I feel the fire of the addiction burning into my soul.

I just want to ingest everything...food..alcohol...anything...everything. I've never felt it so very strong until tonight. At this moment I just want to consume and be consumed. My soul is a shell and needs to be filled with....something. What, I don't know.

What the hell is wrong with me?


GirlBlue said...

Sometimes we just need more. Its when we feel alone, lonely and just need something to fill the void


You'll get through this

Queenneenee said...

hi - I'm so sorry you're having a bad time. You have been so upbeat lately, sounds like you are coming down. Just don't come down TOO hard girlfriend. Be good to YOU. Come on over to my blog and visit, or email me if you want (or need) to. You do have people here who care....

Anonymous said...

Times like this are an opportunity, actually. They mightn't look that way, but they are.

An incredible amount of energy is being released right now. If you can sit still with that, just breathe, reflect within, you might find that energy has a lot to teach you.

And if that doesn't work, try being active - cycling, walking, yoga, swimming. Something like that. Something that allows you to focus on your breathing while you move.

Don't let the impulses rule you. I reckon there's a lot of fear coming up right now.

Hang in there, you'll be fine! xo

Karen ^..^ said...

It does sound as though you have a lot of energy to expend. Try to do something healthy for yourself with it. Your old habits are trying to come to the surface... You are coming down, and your depression is saying, "ok, instead of something good, do something bad, so that I can then make her feel worse down the line, so that causes an even worse downward spiraling depression next time that will be impossible for her to climb out of..."

Don't let it win. If you do something good for yourself, you will feel so much better down the line!! Self destruction feeds self destruction.

Good luck. For every good thing you do for yourself, it makes the bad not so bad, you know? More forgivable. So be nice to yourself.

Laura said...

You've had a lot of stress the last while, both good and bad ... maybe this is just a reaction to it all. I can understand the feelings you're going through. Hang in there and try not to give in to the impulses (easier said than done)

Unknown said...

Change is a big thing in your life right now.. change of work, change in you mental health, change in your husband, change in the balance between you and your husband.
I bet you are itching to get at the new job.
One of the side effects of change is that it fiddles with all the 'status quo' buttons. It has you looking around at everything in your life. It is a great temptation try and change everything all at once.
My change buttons have been fiddled with a lot over the past 12months and I tried to do too much. Such is the toll on my health that I am off work sick at the moment.. the first time that has happened in my whole working life. I have also reawaken a 10 year dead smoking habit.
My suggestion to you is take a deep breath .. don't do anything too drastic,don't start on the alcohol or any of the other additcions, try and relax and get ready for the new employment challenge.
It might be ok to do the washing.. then you can come here and make a start on mine! :-)

Da Old Man said...

Nothing is wrong with you. You are reacting to all the stressors in your life.

soulful sepulcher said...

Nothing is wrong with you; you're coping by filling up a void that cannot be filled. Simple as that, yet so horrifically difficult to manage! I know what you are going through, and trust me the wine won't help, the numbing effect will wear off, and it's all still here. I speak from experience, not as a thorn in your side! I walked out of bankruptcy court last July and right into the wine aisle--it was with great determination to allow myself to heal and feel---FEEL instead of drowning it out.

I dumped a bad marriage, went bankrupt, dealt with my Dad's death--it hurts. Not without pain this life.

But we can only do our best, and what makes us happy is the path to take. I know you aren't happy, from how your post reads. I just want you to know, that you are not alone in this world.


Daisy said...

hi chunks! :D

I finally got to read your posts.

sad to hear that you guys aren't doing so well but it'll get better. I think you're just really stressed and reacting to it.

I've actually been feeling the same way for the past few months but it's getting better now, so I'm here to say it'll pass.

God is there, by the way. He knows how you feel and fills you up when you turn to him. :)

Praying for you as usual,

Unknown said...

Hi, this is my first time here...and I just wanted to say, I feel your pain. Hugs.

Anonymous said...

i agree with stephany-you are NOT ALONE!

Just read this:


all my best to you,

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