Sunday, January 11, 2009

Honesty Scrap Award

Brent over at Musings: Night/Life in Hell-A gave me the "Honesty Scrap" award. I don't know where all of these awards are coming from, but I'm not complaining. Thanks a bunch, Brent!

I now need to write 10 honest things about myself and then pass the award on to others. Since I always am honest on this blog I am going to think about 10 things that I would not normally say on this blog. Just because I am honest on this blog doesn't mean I put everything out there. I won't put everything out there now, but I'll try to put a few things out there. I'll start with simple things first.
  1. I went skydiving a few years ago when my husband and I were dating. It was incredible to throw yourself out of a plane at 13,000 feet. It is an experience I won't ever forget. (OK that was an easy one!)
  2. I was served papers the other day. Nope, haven't blogged about it due to being too upset. I have never been served papers before. A policewoman showed up on my doorstep with legal papers from a credit card company that I owe money to. I have always been able to pay my bills until being in a psychiatric hospital for my depression. After being in the hospital I also lost my job and it took awhile to find another one. That was two years ago and I am still financially reeling from it all. I need to claim bankruptcy per various financial advisors and even a bankruptcy attorney. I haven't done it yet because I am a contractor at my job at a place that may let me go if I file bankruptcy. I am worried as well that it will be difficult to find another job that would hire me with bankruptcy on my credit history. If anyone has advice I would appreciate it. I have a few days to contact the company. I still have not because I really don't want to face it all though I really must call them next week.
  3. My first memory of life was being sexually abused. I was two years old and my babysitters son who was an older teenager had me going down on him. There have been times in my life where I wonder if I would be a different person today if that had never happened. I grew up thinking that this was normal. I will never forget when I realized that this was not normal. I felt so ashamed.
  4. I haven't been doing well this past week. Though I have been able to work from home, I haven't been at work very much. Thankfully, they haven't commented at work about it because I have been getting quite a lot of things done, but still...I need to be at work. 
  5. I've gained more weight. I want to lose it. I feel horrible. ugh.
  6. I stopped smoking over a year and a half ago but do have a cigarette during stressful times. I haven't had a cigarette in a few months. When I do have them it's like one every few months but I did have one today. My husband was driving me crazy the entire weekend and I've cried more than usual and today I broke down and had one. It didn't fix my problem.
  7. I feel that I lack discipline the older I get. I blame that on my mental and physical health. I am tired of being disciplined and feel damn immature saying that. Dying would be so much easier. Really.
  8. I received an entire year of free membership to the local gym from a friend of mine and has my fat ass even walked in the door other than signing up? Not at all.
  9. I have been having horrible bouts of insomnia lately to where I have stayed up all night for nights on end. It's even gotten to the point that I can't keep up with what day it is.
  10. I am not proud of myself. I am a fat ass with zilch self-confidence and I feel I'm not doing anything to help myself. I am constantly running around like a chicken with my head cut off to help others and do for everyone but myself and I am damn tired of it. I feel bad when doing something for myself. I need to get over it.
That's it for tonight. Ick, this ended on a bad note and I apologize. I hate myself right now.

In lieau of sending the award to others, I would like to invite anyone to do the same and post the award on their blog if they would like.

Thank you once again, Brent, for thinking of me. It's not your fault that I'm feeling so negative right now. It's just sometimes being so very truthful dredging up things I don't normally even talk about hurts.


Media Junkie said...

wow. the third one makes me sick. i hope that guy gets what's coming to him. to a two year old? sick sick sick.

soulful sepulcher said...

#2- being served papers! that happened to me last year. It was a credit card company. The attorney contacted them and they were not backing down, and were going to garnish wages (forever). I had to file chapter 7 bankruptcy; was able to save the house. It ALL is a snowball effect from medical/psych bills. Bankruptcy court was humiliating, but I am still standing. This will affect your credit.

You have a free credit report once a year from the 3 main companies, google them, get your report and see how it looks now, and take action! Trust me not taking action makes it worse.

An honest answer not easy to give, but just know I have had that happen. It was horrible. And the credit card company and the lawsuit was from my ex's credit card. It became a slow demise to hell, last summer I was severely depressed for months after court.

But, I survived it, hopefully you can work out a payment plan with the company. ((HUGS))

soulful sepulcher said...

PS-- by law your employer cannot fire you if they learn of the bankruptcy.

Also, any medical bills occuring up to the filing date of bankruptcy will be thrown out. I didn't have to pay several thousand dollars to hospitals it fell in the timeline of pre-filing.

It takes a LONG time to gather paperwork. Start a file, the attorney will need everything, and most important: do not charge anything over 500 bucks now or your case could be thrown out. Stop using all cards, and if bill collectors call, hang up, until you have a case number then give them that, and hang up.

The attorney I had was good, and kind, but be warned they need payment! I also had to take 3 online bankruptcy classes, at least for my state where I live it is required.

The week before filing, my attorney was deployed to Iraq and my dog started having seizures. I throw that in here to remind you, things WILL get better! I am bankrupt now, but hey I'm OK, you will be too. (and I've lost weight, because I think when life gets into balance(like being rid of stress of debt/bankruptcy, bad relationships etc)we shed pounds.

Wow this was a long 2 comments! I'm here if you need support.


Brent said...

Hey, well your list hit home. No worries about it being on the depressing side, it's good to let it out. I on the other hand, have been through a lot of things in my life to the point where I too had depression for years. I too was overweight, and I too felt that death would make things so much easier. That's why I read your blog. I'm not going through any of those things anymore because of 6 years of therapy, and Zoloft. Even after the depression was gone, and the anti-depressants were gone, I was left with the aftermath of it all. I was still living life with the same routines, and same everything. I was still 50 lbs. overweight, etc. And going from a fit athlete before high school, to a progressively overweight young man in College, it was a huge self esteem killer. I basically had no confidence or esteem. I was still in a rut. I finally figured out that I needed to change my life totally. Do everything different, and change things up. I changed my routine, got a different job, changed my major, tried new things, met new people, made new friends, expanded my social circle and activities, and kept the changes consistent as possible. The whole goal was to just start things. Get them going, and try to be consistent with it. I used to always put off everything. I started playing soccer again with friends, joined a league, and I found that exercising with friends and doing what's FUN keeps you motivated. It's been a few years, and I've completely changed, on the inside, and outside. Well, that's my story, I hope to hear a similar one from you one day in the future. Keep breathing.

Laura said...

I can sympathize with your bankruptcy issues, I'm going through it myself at the moment.

The sexual abuse when you were young is absolutely horrible. It was in no way your fault and all feelings of shame should be thrown out the window.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You're a great person. Depression colors everything black and we're always so negative towards ourselves.

Karen ^..^ said...

I read this, and much of it rings familiar to me, too. It is disturbing when someone takes a tiny childs life in his hands, and ruins it.

Then we have to go on and somehow manage a life where we are constantly struggling to be happy. Whatever that is. Contentment is what I strive for. To find joy in simple things. it is all I reach for in life, because to strive for more seems impossible, and therein lies disappointment, and therefore, discontentment.

I admire you for putting this out there. Our blogs have become a real forum for group therapy. Once in a while, someone will say something that makes sense, and actually helps. It isn't easy to put all of this in the words you did.

Failure is in the eye of the beholder. What is it other than not living up to the expectations of others? Do you truly expect that much from yourself or do you feel pressure because that of what others expect of you?

Life is hard. Take it easy on yourself, ok? I don't see you as a failure, and neither should you. I see you as a survivor.

Unknown said...

Chunks my dear..
10 honest things about you have made me laugh on days when I thought the world hated me (and yes I know the world doesn't know me!)
2. debt.. you are not alone. In this time we are all living in, debt and bankruptcy is a reality for everyone. Stephany has great advice.. you will get it together and you will get it sorted out
3. you have survived this awful experience. Let him carry the shame
4. you have been getting a lot of things done.. well done!
5. weight? you are BEAUTIFUL
6. if you can stop once, you will stop again. It's only smoking.. not good for you but hey.. if we all did things that were good for us how dull the world would be!
7. We are women of a certain age .. we don't have to be disciplined! You work, raise a daughter, keep yourself going, you blog and as Karen says, you are giving other people strength.. what more discipline can there be. We need you here
8. The gym will be there tomorrow! panic not!
9. you will sleep..
10. You are talented, funny, hardworking very very strong, you have a beautiful daughter and you have achieved things that some of us can only dream of. You have survived. BE PROUD.. be strong

My life coach tells me that when the nagging voice of self criticism begins to shout too loud you use this mantra ' shut the f*** up!'. It works
sorry this is so long. talk to you soon, thinking of you often.
lots of love

Jane Doe said...

You know, if my friend bought me a gym membership I may feel the intense need to smack him or her once or twice. ;-)

Chunks of Reality said...

Thank you everyone. I will respond later to your kind words and advice. I shouldn't right now due to taking an Ambien a bit ago.

I'll respond soon.

Thank you all very much.

Gledwood said...

all this sounds like a nightmare I hope it gets sorted soon

take care :->

Anonymous said...

Congrats for all the awards coming your way. You truly deserve them. Take care xx

Unknown said...

and I forgot to say.. well done on the Psych Central award! they are only catching on to what the rest of us have known for a long time

Anonymous said...

You and I have soooooooo much in common, you have no idea. Well, maybe you do?

Regarding the bankruptcy, it's never hindered me acquiring jobs and I've claimed TWICE. And 6 of the last 10 years of my employment was working in the financial market (for Discover Card/Morgan Stanley) so.... you should be ok. It's a pain in the butt, but you'll feel a huge weight lifted so DO IT.

kw said...

Well Hell, sweet-pea, you sound like you are in a lot of turmoil right now and none of it of the good kind.

It is clear from the comments that there are a lot of people who are concerned about you, as well as having been in at least one or two out of your list of ten. So, here I go:

1) I started SCUBA diving when I was about thirty-five. I shouldn't have been seen in a swimming costume, but I didn't care! It was the best thing I've done in a long time. Nothing like being weightless and breathing underwater!

2) I'm not able to give any real advice, as I have no credit cards: no debt as such. I know in Philly we have Legal Aid, for people in trouble and poor. I have heard of Debt Consolidation companies. NPR has a "Your Money Matters" program, that might help you find your way.

3) My step-uncle did the same to me at around the same age. My mum couldn't figure out why I kept avoiding him, kept biting my nails, kept acting out. I know the feeling of shame. It is what they should feel, but they are not whole enough. Don't make up for their hole in the heart.

4) If you are able to work from home and get it done, why feel the (guilty?) need to be at work? Have you talked to your boss about needing some quiet time?

5) I get it! We all would like to look our best. But it sounds like you feel worse, which will make you upset about everything.

6) I am sorry that you were so upset and stressed out. Of course the cigarette didn't fix the problem. But you got to act out in a slightly naughty way to lessen your anxiety.

7) You are wearing the dark glasses of depression, which you just borrowed from me.

8) Maybe it's not the right gym? Maybe you should give yourself a break. It's hard to get motivated when you are anxious, depressed and feeling like a lump.

9) Poop on a Pringle, you IZZZ depressed.

10) I just learned to say "No" last year. After the first person I said that to, I came into work. My co-worker busted me, saying I was all sorts of bossy now!

It feels awful, thinking about setting limits, because we worry that we might upset some one. It's needless, because those who truly care about you will understand if you set limits.

Easier said than done, I know. It seems like you are in incredible pain right now. I wish there was something I could do. Feel free to email me, although I'm a bit on the rocks myself! Here's my mail, if you'd like to write:

All hearts, fluffies and gifts from beyond and here to you.

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