Friday, January 16, 2009

Prozac and Sunshine

I haven't been to work all week and no work has been done from home. I've been in the bed and not able to get out. I've slept the sleep of the dead. Unfortunately, I am still alive.

Today I went to the doctor. I had an appointment at 11:30am and missed it due to being asleep. I woke up at noon realizing it was missed, called the doctor's office and thankfully they took me in at 4:15pm. I actually made it on time.

Once again I face my doctor looking like complete shit while telling him I can't take this anymore. I am tired of this unending cycle plaguing my life. I cry off and on like an idiot. Told him how up to this point there have been issues sleeping. I either don't sleep at all or sleep too much. Told him of going through a cycle where I could hardly sleep for a few weeks and now I can't get out of bed. My depression is in full-force right now and I can't see past it. I may lose my job. I listened to a message on my voice mail from my supervisor where you can hear in her voice that she has basically lost patience with me. She warned that it was looking bad to others that I haven't been into work and that people are talking. When I finally do get better and IF I still have a job, it will be difficult to go and face these people.

My doctor said that I need sunshine. Sunshine will help the vitamin D in my body and regulate my sleeping.

He took a bunch of blood to test later and also added Prozac to my daily RX. I'm already taking Wellbutrin and he wants me to continue taking that along with Prozac.

Let's just throw medication to the problem.

The doctor has lost patience, I think. He said that if the Prozac doesn't work he thinks I need to see a psychiatrist who is more specialized. I explained how my insurance is severely lacking in the mental health arena and that I could see him every day and only pay a copay while I could never afford a psychiatrist.

My last post should have been a red flag to me. I should have realized then that I was about to hit the downward spiral. I haven't felt well since the last post. Thank you everyone for your kind comments. I just can't talk very well in times like this and that is why I haven't posted a response to your comments. Two of my friends from high school wanted to meet for dinner together this weekend. I ended up calling one of them after they texted a message saying, "Have you fallen off the face of the earth?" because I never called her back. I ended up crying on the phone with her. It's so embarrassing.

One bright spot today is that the nurse at the doc's office told me about a good therapist. I called after the doctor's appointment out of desperation and she charges only $60 an hour. I am shocked. The lowest I had found so far is $110 for 45 minutes! I will visit her this upcoming Thursday after work...That is if I still have a job left.

I have an interview this upcoming Tuesday. If things don't change fast I'm not going to do very well.

Maybe I should sit in the sunshine.


Since I did just have my period my doc did give a prescription for a birth control pill that you take for three months straight and only have your period once a quarter. That should help because I always crash with my period. Sometimes worse than others and this is a pretty bad one.

I realize I am doing better today though because at least I was able to get my fat ass in the car and drive to the doctor and I'm also blogging about it. During the worst of it I can't even blog.

When I think about losing my job I literally cannot breathe. I am the breadwinner and if I lose my job I'll be up shit-creek. That will be one more thing and I can't handle even thinking about it. I still haven't contacted the company that served papers, either, by the way.

This is one upside-down post. I apologize.


linda said...

Oh, Catherine, I am so sorry you have to go continually through this. Being the breadwinner and having so many external pressures just makes it so much harder to push through it. There is a lot more to the problem of depression than people realise. Taking more and more medication really does your head in, it creates a new set of issues. Plus, all those meds make you put on weight which in itself is totally depressing (when are they going to make a med that makes you feel better without making you fat I ask you).

Well, maybe you think you will be up shit creek if you lose your job, but you may be surprised that being up shit creek is not such a bad place to be. It may well force you to step back and look at your life. What about your husband stepping up to the plate and bringing in some of the dosh. For a while here at home I was the main breadwinner - it just does not work all that well.

When you are right in the thick of it, it is very hard to see what is the root of the problem. If you get to a therapist that would be great. They often give new ways to look at things.

Well, not much I can say to make you feel better as I am so far away. Just take care. Big hugs.Linda

soulful sepulcher said...

((HUGS)))) I understand the pressure you are under. Circumstances that become out of our control, like jobs, income, debt...can definitely trigger depression and all of it. I have been there. What I have learned after my last year of pure hell, is that I'm still here inspite of it all, and the things I feared the most didn't kill me. That may sound simple, but I was at the doctor all of the time checking my blood pressure, etc because I truly was not well under that stressful pressure cooker and almost losing my home to foreclosure. I made it, is what I want you to know, is that because I can sit here and say I made it...I know you will too. Life changes, and it may not always be the same, and that is a real fear for a lot of ppl--plain and simple--change is not easy for some ppl.

It will be OK.

Bossy Boots said...

I have lost many jobs because of depression. Now I am upfront with my employers about my depression so that when I do get mentally ill they can not fire me. You Dr. can help you with a note for work. You don't have to go into the whole history of your depression, but you have an illness and just like any other illness you can not be discriminated for it.

I do think that you should try to find a Psych Dr, I don not have insurance so I called around until I found something I could afford. I found a Psychiatric nurse practioner. They can prescribe meds, give counseling and they are way more affordable. I only pay $100/hr for the first visit then $50 for consecuitive visits. Look around in your area , because your health is the most important thing in your life. Find a way to make it work, you are worth the effort. Keep strong, keep writing it helps to get it all out.

Anonymous said...

I'm really sorry you're having to go through this hellish period. Bossy Boots is right, you know - you need to tell your employer. It doesn't matter if they're sympathetic or not - you have rights to seek an accommodation that helps you adapt to working with depression.

Blogging is a great sign, and it sounds like you're activating again - please don't give up on yourself or believe what your head is telling you in this state.

All love - John

Media Junkie said...

take a deep breath in. deep breath out. repeat 10 times or until you feel slightly more calm.

sunshine helps. and so does cute cat pictures :)

Laura said...

I'm so sorry that you're going through such a bad depression right now. It's so difficult to have to worry about financial concerns when you're barely able to keep your head above water in the mental health arena. Perhaps the Prozac will help you gain some equilibrium. Just try to deal with things a day at a time and do your best to look after you. I'm sending good thoughts your way.

Ruby Tuesday said...

I have a similar problem with my periods and take the pill in that way. It helps soooo much.

I really hope you start to feel better soon. xx

Katherine said...

I'm so pleased to see you over at my blog!

Your GP is right: it would serve you well to see a psychiatrist and have them do a diagnostic evaluation, even though you've already been diagnosed. GP's only know so much about mental illness. It's not their specialty.

I went mis-diagnosed for years and, believe me, it is worth getting at least one other opinion. The medication I was given when still misdiagnosed made me much less well.

The money thing is a real issue but there are ways to work around it. For one thing, you can look in the phonebook/on the web for larger practices and call them, being honest about the financial situation, to see if they would see you on a sliding scale.

Another is that both you and your husband seem to be in school. Often, universities have student health centers and often they have a psychiatrist who comes in once a week. Failing that, check your county health department. They will not charge you more than you can afford to pay and as one who used to have health insurance go to private GP's but who doesn't have the health insurance anymore and has a GP at the health department, there really is no difference in the quality of care.

Whatever you do, it is absolutely worth it to see a psychiatrist. You are likely to get far better help than your GP can give you AND you are more likely to end up with a good diagnosis. (Not to say that your GP hasn't got it right but it's good to have it confirmed)

Immi said...

*hugs atcha* Try the sunshine. As long as you're not sitting out in a bikini freezing to death, it can't hurt. I hope the prozac addition helps too.

Anonymous said...

I take loesterin pretty much all year round and only have a period when my GP will refuse another prescription til I do. They're a hassle not worth having and if you can eliminate it for the most part you'll definitely be better off.

That is where my solutions run dry. I haven't been able to get myself out of this hell either. Hugs xx

Queenneenee said...

I also can empathize with you, having gone throught some pretty shitty depressed times in my life. I agree with what some here say, let your Dr. write you a note (it does not have to be anything personal) saying they are treating you for the depression, you can't be let go. So DO THAT asap so you don't have to worry about that. Some meds DO work. Give them a chance, I personally take Effexor and have for about 5 years now. I know how hard it is to get up some days but TRY to force yourself and maybe take a walk. Walking did me a world of good, once I was able to get off my dead ass and do it. I know its easy for me to tell you all this, and another for you to be able to do it. It can be downright debilitating and thats hard to overcome. Be strong, I will be thinking positive thoughts for you! I hope they reach you!

Anonymous said...

You know, if there's one thing I could wish for you right now, its that you'd stop putting yourself down.

Both in this post and in your recent comment on my blog, you referred to your 'fat ass'.

Regardless of how your body looks, its what is inside that counts.

And I think you have enough to deal with, without making yourself more miserable with negativity about yourself and your body.

I'm no fan of the current state of my body, but I'm dealing with it the best way I can - which is to do whatever exercise I can manage (cycling to/from work, yoga) and not giving myself a hard time because I'm not doing more.

You deserve better than the way you're treating yourself at the moment!!

I hope you start feeling better soon. *hugs*

Chunks of Reality said...

Linda - Why do you live so far away in Australia? Or wait a minute...why do I live so far away? I certainly think that Aussieland would be a much better place to be. I know my doc would much sunshine there and all.

I really hope to visit you there one day.

My husband has been talking about different ways to pull more cash in this year. I can tell he feels badly that I am the breadwinner. Just the other night when we were talking about him being in the master's program at university to be a professor one day I asked him why he wanted to do this and he said "so that my dear wife can stop working one day soon".

Chunks of Reality said...

Stephany - Thank you for your words of encouragement. Thank you as well for your other comments in the blog. I plan to file for bankruptcy soon. I just need to do it and get it over with and start rebuilding my life.

You have been through a lot and I definitely look up to you. Thank you for all of your advice. It means so much.

Chunks of Reality said...

Bossy Boots - Love your name, by the way.

I have never thought about a psychiatric nurse practitioner. That is a good idea and I'm going to look into it.

As for my job, I am a contractor and don't have the same rights as a full-time employee. I'm not protected like full-timers.

I have lost one job to depression and that was the one prior to the one I'm in now. I certainly don't want this to be a pattern.

When I was younger I could manage the depression more but as I get older (37 now) it certainly is becoming more difficult.

Thanks so much for your post.

Chunks of Reality said...

John D - Thanks so much, dearie. I am trying my best to get back out there again. I've been walled up in my bedroom for days. Now I'm just trying to breathe instead of trying to forget to. :)

Chunks of Reality said...

Mars - You are exactly right. Tonight while blogging my most recent post I did practice what you said about breathing and it does help.

Cute cat pictures also helps. I saw some really cute ones at which is a new blogger I discovered today. She has the cutest cats.

Chunks of Reality said...

AD - Thanks for your good thoughts. I felt them today and I thank you.

Chunks of Reality said...

Ruby - Thank you as well. Periods completely suck. It will be nice to have only four periods a year with the new pills. I won't look forward to it though when they do come. I'm worried that it will hurt more.

Chunks of Reality said...

Katherine - My name is Catherine as well but with a "C". :)

Great idea about the university health center. I will look into this. Thank you.

I was in a psychiatric hospital two a little more than two years ago and was diagnosed with major, chronic depression, PTSD, and dysthymia. My gynecologist also diagnosed me with PMDD last year.

I was diagnosed with depression and PTSD back when I was 18 as well. Strange how diagnosis follow you. I wish they would just go away.

Thanks for all of your great ideas. I will check them out.

Chunks of Reality said...

Immi - Yes, it would be quite cold for a bikini and OMG I wouldn't want to scare people. :)

Chunks of Reality said...

Eccedentesiat - I have been rooting for ya for quite some time. We will make it out the other side. I just know it.


Chunks of Reality said...

Queenneenee - Your positive thoughts reached me tonight and I thank you.

Wow, you have been on Effexor for five years? I took that years ago and didn't like it at all. I am so happy it is working for you.

You're right...I do need to take a walk and my dogs would love it. I am going to try and do that soon.

Chunks of Reality said...

Svasti - Thank you a lot. You're right, my inner dialogue stinks and it's something that needs to be worked on. How about this...I don't have a fat ass, I have a fat butt. Is that any better? ;)

Cool beans, I'm smiling now. Thank you.


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