Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Drunk as Shit

I haven't logged into Blogger for so long it took three times. I am typing like a maniac and continue to make typos. You have no idea how many times I've used the "Backspace" key.

I lost my frickin' job.

It wasn't because I was sick.

It wasn't because I missed a lot of time from work.

If any employer should have fired me from missing work because of depression it should have been my last job.

Not this one.

I was traveling!

Going to Southwest Georgia and Pennsylvania....flying...having a great time!

I loved, LOVED my job.

I worked with people who appreciated me and who I worked with 13 years ago.

I am drunk while typing this.

The "Backspace" key is my friend. I used it while typing this sentence.

I lost my job. I am a loser. I am drunk. I am nothing.

I haven't blogged in a while. I didn't know what to say. Just trying to work and attend school. I didn't want to concentrate on the fucking fact that I have depression. I didn't want to be reminded of it. So, I didn't blog. I didn't type shit about it. I wanted to forget. I was scared I would have another depressive episode and find myself losing time from work. I haven't lost time from work, but I was fired anyway. I was a contractor. They told me not to come back.

I am without a job. I am out of medical insurance already. I have no dental or eye insurance. I have nothing.

I am nothing.

I am like my bioligical father who can't keep a damn job.

I am the breadwinner. I may lose my house.

It's funny because I had finally, FINALLY caught up with my bills other than credit cards. I had finally gotten caught up with everything! And then BAM, no job. It's over. The fat lady has sang.

I have been out of job for two weeks now. I shoot resumes like a machine gun. NOTHING. No jobs...nothing.

I drank a lot of wine tonight hoping to forget. I feel better physically with this wine swirling in my system. Not so much anxiety wracking my body. But I don't forget the fact that I am a loser. I don't forget that. I think I need bottles of Ambien to forget that.

I have missed all of you. I read your blogs secretly via my cell phone. The same cell phone that I will probably lose over time when I can't pay the damn bill because I am out of ajob.

I am nothing.

I am tired of this shit.

I loved that job. I loved everything abougt it.

I was finally happy.

I am now devastated.


Anonymous said...

Sweetheart, I'm so sorry. I don't know the circumstances, but I do know we're in a global recession right now and lots of businesses are struggling - and unfortunately it's often the case of last in, first out.

You are NOT a loser. Just look at your beautiful daughter - she's your greatest success.

Take care xx

John Finn said...

You’ve every right to be upset just now, to be miserable, to blame yourself, to blame the economy, to blame the government, to blame god himself. Get it out of your system.

In time, you’ll shake it off and get back to the rat race, and the onerous task of finding another job in this rotten economy, and doing the day-to-day things that bore people so much that they forget to be thankful to be able to do them.

But for now, a bender is well in order. Don’t let it go on too long, and be careful that you don’t do any permanent damage to yourself of those you care about – but otherwise, slainte m'hath.

soulful sepulcher said...

Sending support, hugs

Laura said...

I am so very sorry this has happened to you. It's scary to be out of work and have to face bills and such. Keep one thing in mind though ... you are NOT a loser. Although it's so cliche and probably won't help, please try to remember that this too shall pass. Things have a way of turning around and you have the strength to face your present difficulties. You'll get through it.

Wandering Coyote said...

I am so sorry to hear this, CoR. I've been wondering where you'd gotten to and was missing you. I don't know what to say to you other than to repeat what others have already said: YOU ARE NO LOSER!

Karen ^..^ said...

I am so sorry, and beleive me, I know how you feel right now.

You are NOT nothing. stop telling yourself such negative stories.

You are not your job. Therefore, not having a job DOES NOT make you nothing. This is a setback that you CAN AND WILL bounce back from. I have faith in you.

Ok, so get drunk, have your hangover, and get out there again. It is all you can do. In the meantime, get unemployment.

Did they give you a reason why?

Chin up, I know it's hard. I went through this exact same thing last year. It WILL get better. I can't tell you to stop feeling like this or that, but I can tell you that you are NOT nothing.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You don't deserve this. No matter what that nasty gremlin in your head has to say. I'll kick his ass.

Queenneenee said...

wow, that blows. I am so sorry for the way you are feeling right now. But it WILL get better. It really will. Don't you ever give up on yourself. It's a setback-you can and WILL get through it. Please keep us updated, stay in touch-I have missed reading you. (((HUGS)))

Chunks of Reality said...

LoE - Thank you, dearie. You are right. She is my greatest accomplishment. *hugs*

John - Thank you. :) I raise my glass to you in a toast tonight. My family has no idea that I was drunk the other night, thank God. I've been reading your blog. I hope that you find your own place soon. I think it will do you some good.

Stephany - *hugs* to you as well and thank you.

AD - Thank you so very much. Yes, this shall pass. I just wonder how far in the financial hole I'll be once it does. LOL :) *hugs*

WC - Thank you very much. I've missed you as well.

Karen - Maybe I should take this time not working and make a trip to see ya since you don't live too far away. :)

It's funny that you say I'm not my job. For too long I've defined myself on how well I'm doing at work and I need to get out of that nasty habit.

I went to the employment security commission a week ago and am waiting for my interview with them. Hopefully the unemployment will start soon. I've never received it before and hope I do.

I don't know the reason why. They have laid off other contractors though and think they are having budget issues. Since I'm a contractor they don't have to give any reason.

LOL about kicking the gremlin's ass. :) I love you, girlie!!!

Queenneenneee - I have missed you as well and thanks so much for your kind words. *hugs* I hope this passes soon. I'll keep you updated. *hugs*

Thank you everyone! Your words means so very much.

Da Old Man said...

You are not a loser or any of the other mean stuff you said about yourself.


Anonymous said...

I saw this post before you commented on my most recent one. I just haven't had time to get over here and leave an appropriate comment.

Until recently, I was out of a job for a little over three months. Three months! I have no partner and my family are not supportive.

But luckily I had (and still have) a wonderful yoga teacher who gave me some cleaning work at our yoga studio. Its only 4 hours a week, but it was some money where I earned none for the longest time.

She told me - you *have* to believe there will always be enough, that you'll be okay.

So I say to you... don't give up. Get out of bed. Stop drinking. Get enough rest. Connect with people in your community. Let them know you need work and will do whatever is available while you're looking for a permanent job.

And be ready to do just that. Don't let your situation overwhelm you. I say this, knowing just how difficult it is to not be overwhelmed. Believe me, I'm still deadly broke until I get paid in another two weeks. I'm living on gas fumes right now!!

Life will get better. You just have to get out there and meet it, and be prepared to do whatever it takes to allow new and positive things into your life.

I'm sorry you lost your job. Take care. Be kind to yourself, which might very well mean giving yourself a kick up the butt! ;)

But do not, repeat, do NOT, let being out of a job take you down.

Kayla said...

I'm sorry to hear such bad news...

You said you finally had everything paid, finally everything in order. Can you think of that as a good thing? I think it would be much worse if you were in a mess of bills and disorder before this bad news hit.

Anonymous said...

You are not nothing you're just having a rough patch. Everything will improve soon. We all ride the wave. A job is not YOU. You are caring,loving, an educator about our condition, a mother, a helper, a wife, a person that consoles strangers. You will be right soon.

You'll be in my thoughts...

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