Friday, January 11, 2008

Fifteen Years Ago Today

This picture is my favorite picture of my daughter and I together. I am posting this picture because fifteen years ago today my daughter was born. She was born at 3:12am at 8 pounds, 12 ounces and 21 1/2 inches. I will never forget that early morning. I had been in labor for twenty-two hours and developed a fever of 105 degrees Fahrenheit. The doctors performed an emergency c-section and whisked her away to the newborn unit without letting me hold her. I never cried, screamed, or shouted obscenities during the entire labor process; however, when they whisked her away and wouldn't let me hold her, I completely had a mental meltdown.

I was shaking due to the fever and needed to be administered antibiotics. Somehow I had gotten an infection in the hospital while being in labor with her which caused the fever to spike. By that time I was completely tired and worn out. My emotions ran amuck and I started yelling for her father to come to me (he was signing paperwork in another room). He ran to me and I screamed that they wouldn't let me hold my baby. I cried and was horribly upset.

After being in the recovery room for six hours, they finally wheeled me down to my room in a gurney. They stopped in front of the newborn unit and held my daughter up for me to see her. She was screaming at the top of her lungs. I begged to hold her. Finally, they wheeled my gurney halfway into the room and gave her to me. I reached for her and held her tight. I remember staring at her with complete and utter wonder. She had been crying, but amazingly enough stopped crying while I held her. I swear to God she knew that it was me. She actually looked up into my eyes and just stared at me. I felt such an intensely strong connection. Words did not need to be spoken between us. We knew that we belonged together. I remember breaking into tears. That moment was heavy with emotion and completely defined the rest of my life.

I thank God for my daughter. I don't know where I would be without her. She is so very sweet, humorous, kind, compassionate, creative, and wise. I love her so much. As I write this I am crying at the thought that in three years she will be finished with high school. I cannot imagine life without seeing her every day. Pretty soon she will be starting the adventure of her own life. I am not ready for this.

I am writing this while at work. It's times like this that really upset me because I feel I haven't spent enough time with her. It's 6:45pm and I'm still at work. Before I know it she'll be gone and I won't remember what I was doing at work years from now. I will remember that I worked too much and didn't spend enough time with her. I feel very guilty about that. On one hand I need to work because every minute I work I get paid and we desperately need the money due to our financial situation. On the other hand I couldn't care less about the money and want to spend all of my time with her. I wish that I could home school her. I wish that I could be that Mom who has cookies ready when she gets home. I wish I could be that Mom who was there day and night.

I wish, I she grows, and grows...


Anonymous said...

She will know what a great mother you were once she has her own children. Being a good parent is not just about being home when they are, it is about understanding one's children and being there when it counts.

Happy Birthday to your sweet girl.

Anonymous said...

I agree that she will understand. I'm speaking from my own experience actually; my mother worked 16-hour days when I was younger. I think she works around 12 hours daily now.

And all I can say is it's not the quantity of time but the quality that counts.

Yes, we would all love to spend more time with the people we love. But sometimes, we have to do things that aren't all that fun (read: work) to take care of the people we love. And though it's not ideal, they'll understand as long as we're there when it counts.

Take care!

Anonymous said...

What a sweet and kind post in honor of your baby!

You have NO need for guilt. At her age, she needs the socializing that only going to school outside of your house can provide.

You LOVE her. Some parents can't even do *that* much :(

To *me* your guilt feels like it ought to be some *other* emotion and *not* one that would just denigrate your already depressed mind...

Take care, Dear One. She doesn't need for you to feel guilty about this either.

Anonymous said...


I forgot to mention that you've been tagged! I thought you might like it in case you got writer's block (and since we are participating in Blog365).

To learn how to participate, go to: and look for my post called Just Got Tagged: My Band's CD Cover.

Have fun!

Anonymous said...

Only women have got everything it takes to be a working woman, wife and mother at the same time.
Be happy you were born a woman
- Anonymous

Anonymous said...

I've always wondered about that photo and have meant to ask. It's such a beautiful picture,the joy in your face and the serenity of your daughter lying peacefully in your arms. No wonder it's your favourite - it speaks volumes.

Your love for you daughter is obvious and I'm certain she's fully aware of your devotion to her. Whether you work long hours or not, she knows she means everything to you. That's something too many kids are not aware of and grow up without.

Happy birthday to your daughter :)


Anonymous said...

She will never be "gone_ - your bond will only grow tighter. I was close with my Mom- and she's now 82. I have a 13 year old daughter and we are enjoying such sweetness of companionship. It will only grow over the years.

template by