I wrote the following this past Wednesday at work. I can't sign into Blogger to post from work so I e-mailed it to myself and am just now getting a chance to paste it below.
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I feel another wave of desolation and hopelessness wash over my soul. I sit here at work and can't even concentrate on the task at hand because I feel the descent down the spiral of depression mentally, emotionally and physically. About thirty minutes ago I was talking with two friends at work and for no reason whatsoever wanted to cry. I even had to excuse myself because the feeling was so overwhelming. I sat down at my desk and felt my body descending to the void and got caught up with the feeling for a few minutes without even realizing.
All of a sudden I felt a cramp and realized...my monthly friend is about to visit! That is what is going on! I felt relieved a bit because there was an explanation for this sudden mood change.
Now I sit here and ask why it has to be this way. I feel very ignorant because this happens every time right before my period and I don't immediately think to myself that it's not the depression but the period itself. Then when I feel the cramping it then dawns on me what's going on. When I get caught up in that fast descent into the pits of Hell I am so stuck in that moment that I don't even rationalize or think about it. It is just pure emotion. I feel like this:
Now realizing my monthly friend is about to make her lovely appearance I feel better now.
On another note...why do we call it our "monthly friend"? Is it a she or he or it? If it's a she, is she really our friend? I hate the word "period" as well, so what's a better word to use? For my international readers, what do ya'll call it?
And on another note, is our period really that necessary? Why couldn't we be like a man with eggs swimming around instead of sperm with no side effects? Why do we pay every month for having the ability of producing babies? Don't get me wrong, I am so happy to have had my daughter and wouldn't trade it for the world, but I was in labor for 22 hours and it ended with an emergency c-section, an internal infection and a fever of 104 degrees Fahrenheit. At one point I had a contraction for five minutes and a nurse had to rush in and give me a shot to stop the contraction only to then have another shot to start the contractions all over again. I even experienced what my Momma calls "Twilight Sleep" because I would be asleep from being so exhausted, wake up while having a painful as hell contraction only to immediately fall asleep as soon as the contraction was over. I didn't even know my name during that part of the labor.
Wow, I feel even better already writing about this. I hate my "monthly friend", "monthly cycle", "period" or whatever you want to call it. It rules my life every month.
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It is now Saturday and I feel much better now. My period is almost over and the pain is gone.
I am soooo behind in my schoolwork. I haven't had a chance to blog much or even read my favorite blogs and leave a comment. I will do that as soon as I can catch up with school.
Oh, and by the way. I've gained six more pounds. I think I should have a goal to gain weight and I would most definitely make it. Sheesh...
4 comments:
Thank you for such a lovely message on the blog and the kind offer to contact you - most appreciated.
Over in the UK, we call it 'the blob'; 'the big red bus', 'period', 'the painters are in' - all sorts of daft things! I keep telling anyone who will listen to me: GET THE CONTRACEPTIVE COIL! No more periods = no more pain...and no more children (for the time you have it inserted). Turned my life around!
And don't forget, the menstrual cycle does play havoc with weight, simply due to water retention. Surprisingly, one of the best ways to get rid of that is to drink more water. Perhaps you are a little dehydrated?
Annie - I do not drink enough water, that is for sure. I need to get into the habit.
I love the expression "the painters are in"...I'm going to start using that one. LOL
Even if you get the contraceptive coil does it mean that you won't have the emotional aspect of the period either? I've thought about ablation which is a procedure where basically you are sterilized and then they take the lining of the uterus out (a little TMI but it's what the procedure is). I'm a little worried about that procedure, but since I have PMDD I have really given a lot of thought about it. We shall see.
I never seem to associate my mental state with my monthly cycle. However, my husband seems to know exactly when I'm due to start.
AD - It is so nice to know you also don't associate mood changes with your monthly. I never do as well until the physical pain begins. Thank you for saying that. Sometimes you begin to think that you are the only one. It's nice to know that others are on the same journey.
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