The Child Within

Today at work I was outside having a cigarette and it was absolutely freezing. Needless to say, I wasn't out there for very long. I need to quit smoking soon and have decided to quit by 2012. I quit for two years and started back the day my daughter moved out. I am almost ready to quit again.

While outside there were two men huddled together talking sports trying to amass body warmth between the two in the best way they could. One of the men I see from time to time I always look twice at because he reminds me of my biological father. While they chatted about games they watched the night before I wondered to myself what my biological father talks about during his breaks at work. It got me very curious, which is normal when I think of him.

I haven't seen him for two years. The last time I saw him was at a gathering that I did not expect to see him at. He completely ignored me and acted like I didn't exist. This is normal behavior from him yet it hurt a lot. What is ironic is that he talked to my husband. He had never met him before and was curious about him, I guess, and I found them in the kitchen chatting. I almost lost my mind. I could not believe he talked to him but not me, his only daughter. My husband is Arabic and he was telling him how he had learned some Arabic while living in the Middle East years ago. What he did not tell my husband is that the reason why he was living there was because a judge had told him he had to pay child support and instead of paying he ran away overseas. What a long haul to escape child support.

I have never understood him. I remember being a child and having very rare moments when he could be the charmer and make me feel like the only person who existed in the world. He never had much to do with me. In my 20's I called him trying to get to know him as an adult and he actually asked me why I wanted to be his friend. I was dumbfounded to say the least. That was the last real conversation I had with him. In that conversation he also told me that he understood why I wanted to see him because he kept in touch with his parents to see what he would look like as he aged. Once again, I was dumbfounded. I asked to meet him for lunch. He was not interested as usual.

I am his only child. I think that is a huge regret for him. I recently heard from a great aunt he never wanted children and was angry with my Mom when she got pregnant. He was never in my life, really, except for those few rare moments of joy and a lifetime of pain.

I just turned 40 this past October. I do not know why, but I want to reach out to him one more time to see if I can finally get to know him. My husband and Mom tell me not to because it will be disastrous and I will only be hurt again. I am afraid he will die one day and he will take to the grave the reason why he was never in my life. Even at 40 I blame myself. I realize on a logical level that it is irrational to feel this way; yet, I cannot help it. The child within continues to grieve.

Will I feel this way on my deathbed?