Sunday, September 23, 2007

I Don't Know Why...

but I feel a tad bit better today. That is the thing most tiring about's inconsistency. There have been times where I felt better than ever before and then it hit me and I was thrown down into a dark pit of hell again.

I remember when I used to feel better and would actually think to myself that the depression was gone and I was "cured". Then it would start up again and I would be sad and disappointed about it. Now I'm just so sick of it that even when I do feel better I wonder how long it will be before it hits again.

I am at the point where I actually visualize depression as this thing running very close behind me and I have to run like hell to keep ahead of it or it will bite my butt. And when it bites me, I'll be back in the bed with the covers of despair wrapped around me like bandages on a mummy.

I realize that this is not a good way to think because I am actually attracting negative energy when I'm being negative. However, it's difficult not to think that way when you just continue to get sick over and over again.

My husband and I are doing better. I talked with him last night while he was at his job and told him that I was just tired of it all. He called me back afterwards and told me that he wanted me to feel better and not go to bed feeling badly. Today he has been in a better mood and that is always helpful.

The thing about my husband is that he is so great to hang out with and I love him dearly. It's just the drama that evolves at times really makes me feel bad. It's difficult to walk on eggshells and that is what I do sometimes.

Oh well...I guess that is life. It's like weight and money...sometimes you lose and sometimes you gain. The only consistent thing about life is its' inconsistency.


Anonymous said...

Sorry for filling up all your posts but there's a book called something like 'Sunbathing in the Rain' which talks about the feelings that you describe. It's funny and sad and helpful in equal measure. I'll try and get the details for you.

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