Thursday, October 11, 2007

February Can't Get Here Fast Enough

I'm trying something new today. I'm not posting directly to my blog...I am actually sending it via e-mail. I don't know if it will work and I won't know until tonight when I get home and can check it.

I am very depressed today. I am at work on my lunch break. I just received a call from a creditor. How did they get my work number? I haven't given anyone my work number except for family and friends. I am sitting here eating my sandwich and am reflecting on my life.

I have worked so hard for the past 18 years of my life for what?

To have creditors calling my work demanding money? I have always been able to pay my bills until going into the hospital. Losing my job didn't help either. Prior to the hospital my credit score was 782! Now it's somewhere around 450 - 480.

I appreciate the kind posts from visitors saying to not file bankruptcy. The reality is that I don't have any choice. I've talked with quite a few financial advisors and they all say the same thing. The bankruptcy attorney that I met also said the same thing - I need to do it.

At home I keep my ringer off of my telephone or just unplug it. I can't stand the constant ringing of collectors. Today the creditor said that I need to pay something or "further action will be taken". What does this mean? What can they do? It's embarrassing and scary...and I don't know what to do.

I want to pay everything I owe. I truly do. I can't, though. I am a failure. I'm not saying that for any response. I'm not fishing for people to say "no, you're not!". I am merely stating fact. A failure is called at work by a creditor demanding money. A failure can't pay their bills. A failure can't even afford to pay a bankruptcy lawyer to start bankruptcy proceedings! I wish that I could start it now. I have to wait for tax refund time in February. I don't know if I can wait that long. The pressure is too great.

I am tired. Yesterday after work I went home and cleaned the bathrooms and dusted everywhere, vacuumed, washed and put away five loads of laundry, made dinner (fish and was shockingly good), did dishes, did homework, checked a few blogs, posted a small comment in my blog and went to bed.

My husband and I aren't speaking. I never see him anymore anyway because he is working so much and when we do see each other we can only last about five minutes before a fight breaks out.
I want to cry. It takes everything to not cry.

When will this all end? Why have things gotten to this point? Will it ever get better?

I just can't stand it right now...


Anonymous said...

I have heard medical bills in USA are quite unbelievable. That is something that must have been out of your control. Failure is a strong word - unlucky might be a more appropriate word to use perhaps. If you are going to have to do it, bite the bullet and just do it. Some things are just crap - but go on that holiday regardless, before or after, just do it. You need it!

Anonymous said...

This may sound odd ... but the fact that you're upset about the situation says a lot about your character. There are a surprising number of people out there who are in hock up to their eyeballs, and are constantly hounded by creditors, and it doesn't bother them a bit. Just business as usual.

I don't envy you the position you're in, or the long process of digging yourself back out ... most people are one injury or illness away from being in the same boat. And while I'm not generally good with words of encouragement, I'll share with you the four words that have been my mantra through some of life's dark hours: "This, too, shall pass."

Anonymous said...

You're not a failure. My own mantra is slightly different, but has pretty much the same meaning: "My story isn't over yet."

I don't believe it's your fault things turned out the way they did. We all do the best we can with what we have. I guess, now, you just have to accept it and get started at changing your reality.

I happen to be reading this article on debt right now (it's almost a coincidence haha); thought you might like it. And the whole blog for that matter --> What To Do When Debt Seems Insurmountable

And when you can, go on that holiday! :D

You'll be in my prayers.

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