Wednesday, October 17, 2007

It's Happening Again...

Depression is wrapping it's tendrils around me again and I don't know why. It's difficult to talk or even write when I feel this bad. When depression hits it's like a very heavy blanket wrapping itself around my body and soul. I feel its heaviness physically. I feel horribly tired. I feel that my face is cement and I can't smile no matter what. I feel like my soul is bleeding and I can't stop the flow. I feel terribly lethargic and dead. I feel like I will never stop feeling this way. I hate this feeling and I want it to stop. I feel like it's my fault that I feel this way. I feel like no matter what I do to change my life it will never go away. I feel the older I get the worse it gets.

It is very scary.

Reading what I just wrote makes me feel like I can't even begin to express how I feel.

I didn't go to work today. For one I am very tired and two, I just can't concentrate feeling like this. My job demands concentration and it's not one of those jobs where you can just sit around for an hour here or there because every minute is counted. Everything is tracked by Microsoft Project and I have so many hours assigned to me for each task I am performing. Therefore, if I have 20 hours assigned to get a task done and I can't concentrate well or get it done, then it displays in black and white for everyone to see that I went over in my hours. It is then that people will start asking why I didn't get some task done in the time allotted.

Because of my personality I feel that I have to do a great job no matter what. Being a contractor makes me feel pressured in getting things done prior to when they are due. A combination of the two isn't really good because I pressure myself to work like a dog to get things done perfectly. I don't take breaks during work, and I eat lunch at my desk. That means that I work from the time I walk in the door until the time I leave except to go to the bathroom.

I'm always scared of losing my job because I'm a contractor. Not being at work doesn't help, though.

I have felt bad all week physically. Last week I felt that I had a UTI and went to the doctor last Friday night after work to discover that I have a bladder infection. I took antibiotics, but Monday and Tuesday it still hurt and I've felt like crap. Monday I missed work because I didn't feel well physically. Yesterday I went into work and now today I am missing work again. This time it's more because of feeling mentally sick versus feeling physically sick.

I hate this.

I just want to cry when I'm awake or sleep and never wake up.

My husband is at work right now which is a good thing. I'll be asleep by the time he gets home. He doesn't need to see me like this. He just gets upset and mad anyway about it, which isn't helpful to either of us. I feel guilty enough about it as it is.


Anonymous said...

Keep writing honey.
Even if you feel that you can't.. even when you feel that nobody's out here.. keep writing.
You'll learn about yourself when you read it back and you'll be focussing on something not matter how small.
We're all out here listening.
See you soon

Anonymous said...

Sweetie, Its important that you remain focused on what is important in your life and what positives your life holds. Focus on the positives. I Know its cliche and all, but really, its the only thing you can do.
I noticed that you mentioned that you were happy that you wouldnt see your husband today and that you dont want him to see you in this state. This raised within me a great deal of concern, as I believe that in a relationship, it ismportant to feel comfortable enough around your partner to be able to let him or her see your true feelings. So far, i can see that you love your husband dearly, but maybe its time to re-evaluate where your relationship with him actually stands. I am not at all telling you to end it, but just ask yourself, with the way your life is at the moment, where do you see yourself in 10 years? Happy, married, depressed, employed? If its not a place in life that you want to be, remember, that changing things is in your own hands. You cant sit around waiting for life to change itself. I have learnt this over the years, and even though I'm young, I have decided to put this into practise. If you had asked me one year ago, where you thought I would be in 54 years, I would have told you that I would probably be, if I remained in the direction I was going, a Junkie, in an abusive relationship, with no job, and no high school leaving certificate. I realised, that this wasnt where I wanted to be. So, I made a change. I am now doing my certificate 3 nursing certificate, completing highschool, working 2 fulfilling jobs, running a charity project to raise money for homeless kids, and have ditched the cigarettes, and managed to stear clear of drugs for the past few months.
Its all about evaluation. Consider what needs changing, and do somethinbg to change it. It might seem harsh, but its life. Unfortunately, the world isnt run to compensate for the small population we belong to catagorised under the big red stamp of DEPRESSION. Sending my love.

Anonymous said...

Hi, I know how you feel about not wanting your husband to see you when you're so depressed. I'm the same way. Unlike your hubby, though, mine has come to understand it over the years. He used to get upset at me too. :(

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