Thursday, October 18, 2007

"I Don't Know What Your Problem Is"...Neither Do I

I'm at work today. Thank God is all I can say. I don't want to lose more days at work. I've missed too much as it is.

This morning it was HIGHLY difficult to get out of bed and come in. It took all of my willpower to do it. I felt so bad...so down...so YUCK. My husband kept telling me to get up. I finally did.

Before he left this morning he was picking on me and I was not very nice while saying "stop it". He looked at me and said "I don't know what your problem is". I just looked at him. I said "I don't feel well. Isn't it OK that I don't feel well sometimes?" He didn't say anything. I then said, "Don't you know me well enough by now to know what's wrong?" He said "No" and walked away.

He left the house.

I felt worse.

That is a bone of contention in this marriage. I don't understand why it's OK for him to not feel well, to rant and rave around the house when he is frustrated, angry, and mad; however, if I don't feel well, it seems to be not acceptable. It's like "What's wrong with you? Snap out of it!"

It makes him feel angry.

Why?

Sometimes I just wish he would come to me and give me a hug and say "I'm sorry that you don't feel well. I love you". Is that so difficult? Obviously it is.

The funny thing is that I feel worse because of the way he acts about it. I feel guiltier about having depression. I feel more abnormal. I feel that there is something I can and should do to "snap out of it", but I don't know what it is.

Sometimes I even feel that really I'm not depressed, I'm just lazy. I feel that it's all my fault and that really nothing is wrong with me. I feel like a terrible person.

I'm at work right now trying to work. It is very difficult. I'm very glad to be here. Anything is better than sleeping in the bed completely tired out because I'm so depressed. Anything is better than to see the look in my husband's face seeing me down like that.

My depression is what got us into the financial mess we are in. I am the breadwinner. I have paid the bills for the last five years while my husband tried to make his business work. Unfortunately for him it didn't work. We were still OK financially. But, I got sick...I was out of work...I was in the hospital for six weeks...No money meant I couldn't pay the bills, and on it went.

I've worked so hard my entire life for what? To feel this way and watch my life fall into shambles around me? I don't want this, who would want this?

The worst thing is that even when I feel sick I can't afford to be out of work. I have no right to be sick. That is what makes me angry is that I have no right to be sick neither financially or with my husband. He just gets so angry.

His anger compounds the problem and when I think I can drop no further, more space opens underneath me and the faster I fall. I still haven't figured out what happened to feel this way. I have wracked my brain and I just don't know.

It's funny because I was thinking last night that if you are diagnosed with a physical ailment such as diabetes, cancer, etc, and you have a day where you don't feel well, you can say "I don't feel well because I have diabetes, or I have cancer, etc". But it doesn't seem acceptable to say "I don't feel well because I have depression". If I experience a day where I mentally don't feel well I have to find some reason, some trigger. I think it could be possible that there isn't a trigger every time. I think it's possible that you can have a day when you aren't doing well.

I wish my husband would love me no matter what. I wish he would show his love to me in my darkest moments. I wish he accepted me. I wish he felt empathy towards me.

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My husband just called me at work. He asked what is wrong and he listened. He really didn't know what to say. He listened to me and I appreciate that. It's embarrassing to tell him that I'm depressed because I know that he doesn't understand. I feel worthless when I tell him.

He said today that me talking about feeling depressed is like speaking another language that he doesn't know. He said it's like him speaking Arabic to me...I don't understand him. When I talk with him about depression, he doesn't understand me.

I understand that he doesn't understand. I get it. I don't expect him to understand. Sure, I wish that he understood, but he doesn't and that is OK. I only wish that he didn't react the way he does to it. I don't think he can change that.

He said it may be better if he lived in an apartment and we saw each other on the weekends. Maybe that would be better. I really don't know. All I do know is that it makes me sad to hear him say it. I know that he loves me or he wouldn't care enough to even call me at work to talk about it.

I just feel very lost and don't know what to do.

All I do know right now is that I must get work done. If I am at least successful in that, possibly that will help me to feel better.

I really don't know, but as always I will try.

1 comments:

Zathyn Priest said...

One of the most incidious aspects of depression, or mental illness in general, is the guilt we many times feel in conjunction with it.

You didn't plan to be taken down with depression in the same way as your husband didn't plan for his business to fail. Perhaps I'm out of line mentioning it, but it seems to me you've been his supportive rock financially and emotionally - because it doesn't look as though you blame him for the business failing - and perhaps it's time for him to step up to the plate and support you.

Whether loved and friends understand first hand what depression is like for the sufferer doesn't mean they can't do all they can to ensure they're educated about it. I've lost friends and my family due to mental illness and, in the end, ignorance plays a very big role in that.

I sincerely wish you all the best and I hope things get better for you.

 
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