Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Once Again

No Christmas tree. I went home last night thinking that it would be set up and we could decorate it. The tree wasn't set up. It was still boxed away in the shed. The problem is that by the time I got home it was dark outside (it gets dark here around 5:30pm) and the shed doesn't have a light. I searched everywhere for a flashlight and of course I found two but both didn't work and of course I couldn't find any batteries.

I went outside anyway, unlocked the shed and finally located it behind a bunch of boxes. It was in a corner with extension cords piled on top of it and boxes all around it. I tried to pull it out anyway; however, it was so very heavy and there was no way I could do it on my own. Boxes need to be moved from around it in order to pull it out easier but since there are no lights in the shed and things are everywhere, I couldn't move boxes around blindly. I was peeved, locked the shed and headed inside to take a shower.

After taking a shower I saw the backyard light on and the shed door open. He must have gone out there and I hoped that he would have more luck. Twenty minutes later he came to me and asked if I had brought the tree in. I didn't know why he asked me that question since he was just out there, but I told him that there was no way I could do it by myself. I was hoping that he was able to do it and was asking me that question because the tree was inside the house. I went to the living room and no tree. I still don't know why he even asked me that question.

He made dinner. It was very good. I ate by myself in the bedroom. He watched TV and my daughter talked with a boy that she currently likes while eating. Not much of a family dinner, but it was better than having to sit around a table glowering at him and trying to act like everything was OK.

I was quite sad because he knows how important this is to me and I think he just doesn't want to do it. I think this is some type of passive/aggressive game he is playing. I could be completely incorrect. It's just how I feel. Now the whole mood of excitement I had doing this together as a family is gone. I'm just sad now.
Tonight I have an appointment and there is no way I'll be able to get the tree out of the shed and put up tonight.

I think tomorrow I will get to work early so that I can leave early and hopefully get home before it gets dark. I'll then drag it out of the shed, put it up and then my daughgter and I can decorate it. I am going to do my best to get my mood back and enjoy it with my daughter.

It's just that I had this vision of all of us doing it together as a family. Am I being too ideal? Do I have a right to be upset? See, I have realized that over time I question myself constantly when it comes to him and blame myself a lot. It erodes my self-confidence and I am just so tired of it all. Maybe it is my fault. I'm not really sure. Maybe my expectations are too high. I don't know.

This morning he drove me to work because he doesn't have his car back from my Dad. My Dad fixed an oil leak for him while he was gone. We didn't speak to each other the whole way. When we got there I thanked him for driving me and asked if he would pick me up at 4:30pm today for the appointment. He said yes. I gave him a kiss on the cheek and got out of the car. I really don't know what else to do. Would you have done that?

I'm glad to have the appointment tonight. At least nothing upsetting will be said or done during that time.


Anonymous said...

Wanting to put the tree up together as a family is certainly not asking too much. Whether he believes in it or not, he knows it means a lot to you and your daughter. He can make the effort.

*hug* And if he doesn't...then put the tree up with A and I hope your Xmas excitement of late doesn't waver.


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