Sunday, February 3, 2008

It's Time To Be Real

For anyone in the depressed community, the following post may be a trigger for you. Please don't read it if you are triggered easily. For people who aren't in the depressed community, first off, congratulations! and secondly, if you didn't know already, people who are depressed can easily be "triggered" to become more down after reading certain things, so I wanted to insert the warning here.


I can't believe this...this is an anonymous blog meaning you don't know my last name, don't know where I live, don't know me at all and yet I haven't really talked about what's on my mind. Why? Because I'm worried about what people will think. I created this blog so that I could say what is on my mind "without fear" and here I am with fear. What's the point of the blog then? I think that I forget why I created it in the first place. I created it for myself so that I could really face what I'm thinking, feeling, and doing in life by writing about it and seeing it in black and white. It's also a record so that I can go back and try to track my moods and figure out what the hell is going on with me.

So, it's now time to be real. I have to be. Though I am fearful, I'm going to do it. I have to.

I'm not doing well. I haven't been doing well. What I can never tell anyone (except for one lady that I know from the hospital I was in two years ago) is what I did this past Thursday night. You see, other than last Monday, I haven't been to work. Tuesday I took the day off work to work on my school work. With two midterms coming up next week, all day Tuesday I worked like a dog studying statistics, doing work for my other class and completing homework that is due next week for both classes. I knew that if I didn't do this that I would never make it. I accomplished a lot, which is good.

Tuesday night I started feeling down. Though this may be TMI (too much information), I became VERY crampy and knew that I was going to start my period soon. I was in a lot of pain and my mood spiraled downwards. Wednesday I stayed at home. I had a bad headache, painful cramps, no period, but knew that it would start soon. I was in the bed the entire day. Thursday my period started and the pain was terrible. As I get older my periods have become worse and I have been getting the worst cramps with pain shooting down into my legs all the way to my kneecaps like lightning flashes. My back aches like crazy, I get awful headaches and I'm pretty much laid up during this time of the month. It has become almost debilitating. Not to mention my emotions and mood during this time. I become very depressed and at times feel psycho. I cry a lot and can't stop. It's lovely.

Anyway, this time around I was in more pain than I have ever been and was just so down. I could not stop crying. I fretted about missing work, missing being paid, bills, etc. I contacted work every day that I was out, but of course I can't tell them exactly what is going on, so I have to make up stuff. I hate lying. I wish that I could just say, "I'm having one of the worst periods in my life, I'm in so much pain, I'm horribly depressed and there is no way I can come in like this". But, I can't.

I did call my contract company (because I'm a contractor) and was able to tell the president of the company. She and I have been friends for the last five years and she knew me back before the depression became so debilitating, which I'm glad because she knows that I can be a very good worker. I worked for her five years ago. She used to tell me that I was the best contractor she ever had. I'm sure she said that to be nice, but I always work hard and she knows that. She also has a daughter with depression and has had uncles with depression who lived in their pajamas six months out of a year, so she understands. I was able to call her and let her know that I was on a downward spiral.

She was very supportive. I e-mailed work to let the project manager know that I would be back in the office this Monday. He immediately replied asking that I call him. I freaked out because I knew that I wouldn't be able to call him without crying. I didn't want him to hear this. Finally, I did call on Thursday and he was less than nice. In a nutshell, he told me that if I continue to miss work that I will be fired. I understand this. It is a business. They need me to work, which is why they hired me. It's just...he was quite personal, quite nasty and he didn't need to be mean. Anyway, it is what it is and I profusely apologized. As soon as the call ended I cried like a baby.

I felt like such a loser. I can't even get into work? What the hell is wrong with me? I'm going to lose my job and what kills me is that I don't feel that I can even depend on myself. I feel so inconsistent. It's funny because for a while I felt better. In fact, it's been at least two months and I felt such progress. Then, BAM!!!! I am back to square one and can't believe I'm there. It's like a slap in the face. It's funny because sometimes I actually think that the depression is gone and that I've beaten it and right when I start thinking that it rears it ugly head laughing and I'm back in bed.

All day Thursday I felt very off. I was full of physical pain and my mood became more dark. In front of my daughter I tried to act like it was just my period, but it was much more than that. A couple of times she caught me crying and asked what was wrong. She asked if it was my depression. Finally I said, "Yes". She then saw me crying like a baby and I was so ashamed for her to see me like that. I told her that I hated her seeing me like that and not to worry. She's never seen me that bad off. I really don't know what she thinks about it. I felt like such a loser.

I did tell my husband Thursday morning that I could feel the depression eating me alive. I told him that it was back in full force and sat in his studio and cried. For the first time he was very supportive.

What happened next is sort of a blur. It was late at night and I couldn't sleep. My husband and daughter were in bed. I have been having a lot of problems sleeping lately. It's been almost like insomnia for the past two weeks and twice I never even went to sleep the entire night and went to work the next day. Also I've been working 12 to 13 hours a day and on weekends and it's like I was completely wired with that and school and couldn't sleep. So, Thursday night since I couldn't sleep I decided to take an Ambien (Ambien is a sleeping pill. It was a 10mg tablet.). One has always done the trick, but Thursday night it didn't. I rarely watch TV, but I couldn't stand being in the bed tossing and turning so I took the bottle of Ambien and went to the living room. I got a glass of orange juice and swallowed one tablet while watching TV. I remember a TV show discussing Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton's latest debate.

I remember just sitting there waiting to get that feeling of sleep. It didn't happen. So, I took another Ambien. I've never taken two in one night before. After taking the second one I waited about 30 minutes and then the rest is a blur. I just remember thinking that I was a loser, that my daughter saw me as a loser, that I could lose my job because of this depression shit (please excuse my language) and that just when I think that it's gone it comes back. I was in a lot of pain still and thinking about how sick I was of being in pain every time I have my period. I remember taking another Ambien.

I then wondered what it would be like if I took four. I remember thinking that dying in your sleep is a good way to go. I have always opted for that and have often silently dreamed of taking a bunch of sleeping pills and never waking up. I took another one. I don't know how much time went by but I felt really woozy. The bottle of Ambien was in my hand and it felt so comfortable there. I didn't want to let it go. I decided that this was it, that I was tired and as passe as this sounds, I actually got up and stumbled across the living room and got vodka out of the cabinet and drank that as I took another Ambien. I don't remember going to bed.

First of all, let me tell you something...I don't drink very much. I've never liked beer much and really only like sweet drinks like appletini's, Bahama Momma's, etc. I like some wine. The point is that I don't drink a lot, in fact a month can go by and I don't drink a thing. I don't like the feeling of being drunk. I remember drinking the vodka and thinking that if the Ambien didn't do me in that mixing the vodka with it would.

I don't remember any of the next part. My husband told me that the next morning I was snoring very loudly. I am not a snorer, but have been known to snore when taking Ambien (just one Ambien). I don't know why. Anyway, I was snoring really loud he said and he nudged me to stop. I didn't. He then tried to wake me up. He said that I wouldn't wake up. He then got out of bed and was doing everything to wake me up. I still don't know how he knew, but he said that he asked when I roused a little how many Ambien I took. I told him five. He asked me why would I do that and he said that I said, "I'm tired of the pain in my body and in my heart". He said I then tried to get out of bed and stumbled across the room. My daughter walked in because she was getting ready for school and came to give me a kiss and I walked right by her like she wasn't there. She thankfully just thought that I was very tired. I have been known to be so sleepy when waking up that I'm kind of out of it. Somehow I went back to bed, but I don't remember anything at all.

My husband woke me up again later. In his hand was a piece of paper with his writing all over it. He had gotten on the Internet and researched Ambien. My daughter was at school by this time. She still doesn't know. He asked a lot of questions. Thankfully, he wasn't angry. He was very concerned and upset, and he was very supportive. (Our marriage has improved a hundred-fold in the last month or so, by the way and I am very thankful for that.)

Even thinking about it all is such a blur, except for one thing. I wanted to die. I very clearly remember that. It's strange because last night my husband and I were talking. He was talking about something which I don't remember...and I looked at him and thought to myself how I could have died. I realized that I could be dead and you know what? I had no emotion about it.

You see, in the past I have thought of suicide. Afterwards I was always so thankful that I never did anything and even my emotions would reflect my thankfulness. This is the first time that I have absolutely no emotion and this is the furthest I've gone. Yes, I could have taken the entire bottle. I don't know why I didn't. Ambien can really make your mind quite blurry. I think in a way I was testing it. I really don't know.

I talked with the lady that I was in the hospital with today over the phone. She is close to 80 years old and is bipolar. She is such a wonderful lady. I love her. Her name is Jayne. I called and told her what happened. Her first response was, "and then you woke up" and I said, "Yes, unfortunately I did". She understands me. She didn't judge.

I admire her. I have depression. She has bipolar depression. She has been through SO much in her life and survived. Last night when my husband was talking I thought to myself, "How can I go through this for the next 30 or 40 years? How can anyone?" Jayne has. I really don't know how.

Since Friday morning I've been a bit nauseous, dizzy, light-headed and tired. My heart keeps racing and then calming and calming down. I researched tonight and I think it's the aftereffects.

I'm glad that my husband didn't call the ambulance or make me go to a doctor. For one they would have taken me straight to a psychiatric ward. I can't afford that in more ways than one.

I don't have time to be sick. I can't afford to be sick. But, I'm sick. I want to get better. Who wants to be like this? Will I ever get better?

I have thought a lot today and realized the following:

  • I definitely think that this episode is connected to my hormones.
  • I haven't slept very much for the past two weeks, which is very bad for me. I get down when I don't sleep enough.
  • I've worked A LOT of hours these past two weeks and then school, and other responsibilities on top of it.
  • Because of the hours spent at work I haven't made my lunch like I normally do. Because of this I haven't been in the habit of taking my meds at lunch, so I've been off meds for two weeks. Yes, I am stupid.
  • I need to take better care of myself.
  • I need to really discipline myself.
  • I am really tired of all of this.
  • I wish that I could take a year off work and just work on myself, but that is out of the question.
  • I feel overwhelmed even to brush my teeth at the moment.
  • I am a loser.
  • I am very sad.
  • I am still in so much pain. Even taking pain medication doesn't work. Right now pain is radiating down my leg while typing.
  • I can't imagine going through this even one more year.
That's really all I can write right now. I don't know what else to say. I am very upset even writing about it and need to stop.

For right now I am going to post here when I can and will visit other's blogs when I can. It's funny because (and I realize you are going to wonder why I would even think or say this), but I feel bad if I can't get to everyone's blogs every day and read and post a comment. Isn't that crazy? I don't want people to feel like I'm not thinking of them. This is a blog, and a "virtual" world, but to the people whose blogs I visit, I do care about each and every one of you...and I don't even know you. So, that is why I need to say that I am going to visit your blog when I get a chance and please don't take it personally. I'm sure ya'll don't understand.

I am such a loser. I hope to get through this.


Anonymous said...

I want you to know I read this post leaning into the screen. I've got such agonizing joint pain, and depression and all of it now, I am here to tell you you are not alone. what an honest post, how brave of you to write it. i'm glad your husband is supportive, and i'm glad you are here.
i've been awake for just about a week now, and am doing my best to keep myself moving during the day.

oh, and i found your blog via Zathyn's.

Anonymous said...

zathyn priest said it all so well that I hesitate to add more, but...

My heart goes out to you especially during your time of inner pain.

Thank you for sharing yourself so expressively in this post. It takes great courage to do that!

Thought #1 pretty much sums up the situation, I think. It affects everything else.

Through your pain, I see glimmers of light and positive thoughts about yourself. I know it is hard to concentrate on the positive aspects while you're feeling so bad, but they are there for you to remember, to keep you from sliding totally into the abyss.

The fact that your marriage has improved recently says a LOT of good, positive things about you.

Congratulations for that!

What I am getting from your list of thoughts is that perhaps you need to rearrange your life's priorities somehow -- when you're feeling better, that is. You do need to take care of yourself first; everything else will follow.

You are a very special person. You ARE worthy. You do have a unique inner light which shines forth in your writing.

I wish you a favorable "change of the weather" very soon!!

Anonymous said...

Sorry things aren't going well.

Thank you for worrying about me while I was gone.

I wish I had the energy to write an intelligent, yet thoughtful comment, but the word just won't come out.

I hope things look up for you.

Anonymous said...

You are not a loser. Will email you on this one. Too much to say.

Anonymous said...

for me, you're a nice woman...

i can see it through your posts...
it clearly shows that you are wonderful..

you're truly madly deeply brave...

i'm proud of you ;)

Anonymous said...

depression distorts everything and to be quite honest we need to approach every situation from all angles which can be a neat trick at the best of times. the secret I believe in beating depression is not how we fight but that we continue to fight. by posting your innermost feelings it shows tremendous strength and not only are you helping yourself but your helping everyone else in a similar position or trying to help someone dealing with this monster. You are not a loser, a loser is someone who refuses to fight and just let whatever happens happen which is something that you will not let take place.

Unknown said...

Hey, thanks for posting a comment on my blog I really appreciate it. I can totally identify with your post like you could with mine. I suffer from bad PMT, it tips off my bipolar disorder. It is only this month that I decided to do something about it and see a specialist. Sick and tired of having cramps in the middle of my cycle and even catatonia this month. I'm taking Evening Primerose Oil and Vitex Agnus Castus which is supposed to regulate your cycle (both alternate therapy medicine). Have you done anything about your problem (ie: seen a doctor?). I heard you can take a pill that stops your period coming altogether. Sounds bloody good to me! Write to me at Love to share more with you. Regards, Lisa :)

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