Monday, February 4, 2008

OMG, I Can't Stand This!

I am at work today. Thank God. It was very difficult to get in today. I am very tired and very down. I hate for people to see me like this. I am trying my best to look "OK" around people. It's difficult to so smile and put on the "the face" when you feel like this. I really hate acting. I barely have the energy to act like everything is fine.

I have to write test definitions based on business rules for the new system we are creating. All I can say is OMG...I have no concentration for this today. The bad thing is that everything is on a stopwatch. Every minute is tracked down to the second. When you lack concentration like I do today you become scared that you will burn hours.

I have a huge headache as well.

Wow, I'm certainly complaining. I just realized that. I apologize.

It's just so difficult to be here.

Yesterday morning I woke up and the first thought that went through my head was "Don't wake up, don't wake up, go back to sleep". I went back to sleep and didn't wake up until 2:00pm. I couldn't do that today.

This morning while driving I saw a car hit me, a train hit me and a truck hit me. Of course it was all in my mind. The scary thing is that I wasn't consciously thinking that I wanted to get hit. It was like the thought would go through my mind unwarranted, I would see it happen in my mind, and then I would think about what I just saw. I would then think, "Too bad it didn't happen".

I'm back on my meds. Thank you everyone for your kind comments on the last post. Ya'll help me more than you know.

I hope the meds kick in soon. Maybe that is the big problem right now. We shall see.

Tonight I have the statistics mid-term. With the way I feel, this should be a doozy.


Anonymous said...

so how did the test go? How are YOU?

Anonymous said...

hope the test went all right. :)

I'm praying for you as usual, but you already know that.

and the thing about "too bad it didn't happen"? I'm glad it didn't. because you're a wonderful person, and I think a lot of people you love would miss you loads.

*BIG hug!*

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