Tuesday, February 5, 2008

I Can't Believe This!

Last night I had to take my statistics exam. It was SOOOOO difficult to concentrate! Finally I just said to myself, "DO NOT BLOW IT! GET THROUGH IT! JUST CONCENTRATE!". So, I took one question at a time. Even one word of one sentence at a time. When having difficulty with one problem, I went to the next and later went back over it to answer the ones I initially had a problem with. I was in the zone before realizing it. I was completely focused on the exam and became methodical like a robot.

After completing the exam I checked it three times just to be sure I didn't make a big mistake or even a silly little mistake in the math (such as all the math you have to do to find the standard deviation of something...my gawd, whoever thought about creating statistics? It takes an entire page sometimes to work one problem!).
I checked and checked and checked again. It was like taking the exam all over again. I redid all the math, all the calculations and four hours and ten minutes later turned it in. The class is a four hour class. Only one girl left prior to that and the rest of the class was still there.

We all walked out together with a collective sigh. One guy started talking about how he was going to go home and take a relaxing bath with aromatherapy candles, bath oil, soft music and rose petals. Imagine hearing that from a big, burly guy who used to be in the Navy! I started laughing so much. I added that he should also sip some chamomile tea while soaking the stress away and we all laughed. That's when I realized that I feel a bit better. The cloud is finally lifting again.

This morning it was DIFFICULT to get out of bed. I finally did. I'm proud of myself for that. Saying that makes me feel like such a loser, but I'm glad I didn't stay there. I got myself into work and though I haven't accomplished everything I've wanted to today, I did get some stuff done. That is better than nothing. Towards the end of the afternoon today I laughed again. It's been a while since I laughed. I AM feeling better.

Yesterday was AWFUL! I was quite depressed and was also a bit angry! I can't begin to tell you why except possibly I am just sick of all this. I rarely get angry. It was a surprising feeling yesterday. Not only that I was so tired. I could barely keep my eyes open. I continually thought about sticking toothpicks in my eyelids to hold them up.

Once again I now feel like I will get through this. I'm still taking the meds and am sure it helps a lot. I certainly wish I didn't have to take them, though. I'm so tired of taking a pill to be "normal". Ugh. But, I'm going to take them, come Hell or high water.

You know, that is another thing I am sick of...these cycles. I feel better, I feel worse, I feel better, I feel worse, etc, etc, over and over and over again. I still can't bear the thought of living 30 to 40 more years like this! Right when I feel like I've beaten it, depression comes back and I'm back in bed thinking about a way to end it all. Right when I think I can't stand anymore, I start to feel a bit better and realize I may make it through after all. It's such a roller coaster and feels so psycho! It makes you tired and I'm exhausted from the drama.

When the depression starts to fade away I actually feel it in my body. It's almost like this lightness of spirit and mind descends and parts the dark, heavy and murky blanket enveloping my soul. Recently I found old poems I wrote YEARS AGO and it was strange reading them because even though I wrote some of them back when I was 13 years old, they are still applicable today at 36 years of age. Do you see why I worry about feeling this way for the next 30 or 40 years? I don't have them with me to share at the moment, but will post them at another time.

Last night I asked the statistics professor if he could e-mail the results to me after grading the mid-term exam (if he doesn't do that I'll have to wait until the next class on Monday). I just received his e-mail. I cannot believe what I made.

Seriously, I can't believe it.

The following is his e-mail:

from Professor Bagashawn Bagashawn@xxxxxxx.edu
to Chunks chunksofreality@gmail.com
date Feb 5, 2008 1:28 PM
subject Mid-Term Exam Results

I have received your e-mail. Your midterm grade was excellent. Your
score is 100%.

I'm still in shock.

By the way, I think it's funny how he wrote "100%" rather than "100". He IS a statistics professor, but funny just the same.

Thank you everyone for your kind comments on my blog. I'm serious when saying you have NO idea how much you all help me. What I write about in my blog I can't share with anyone! Not even my parents. They would worry so much. And I'm embarrassed to share some of the things I do. Thank you for helping me. Thank you for your kind words. You don't have to spend the time reading all of this psycho-ness. But, you do and you even take the time to respond!

Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart.


Anonymous said...


It's okay to have ups and downs...the stress half comes from being pissed that there are ups and downs...You really should go and get a book by Eckhardt Tolle called the Power of Now...you'll see what I mean.

Anonymous said...

I apologize for making that last comment more about me and our situation than about your own. I just read the post below where you were so despairing and I want to say I agree that you are not a loser! I will pray that you find the strength to continue to succeed and overcome your demons. I honestly will.

Anonymous said...

You are amazing.

Anonymous said...

Oh, a 100! Good for you! You really deserve it. *hug hug hug*

And you're not a loser for feeling proud of getting out of bed. Everyone has down days, though I'm sure being depressed means they're, you know, lower. I can't think of a better description.

Anyway, be proud of every small achievement. Everything is attained in baby steps, after all.

Your words on not wanting to keep taking meds reminded me of a post I read on that topic. You might have read it, but just in case you didn't, here it is to cheer you up a little: http://www.dooce.com/2007/12/13/because-i-couldnt-say-it-phone

I think you'll probably enjoy it.

Anonymous said...

oh yes, just wondered, would it be cool with you if I asked for your email? :D my comments seem to be getting longer and longer... figured they'd be better as emails lol.

if you're interested, you could post it as a comment on my blog, and I'll note it without approving the comment. so that no one else will see it.

anyway, yes, I just wondered. :)

Anonymous said...

SOOOOO glad you liked my limerick to Kat. Speaking of Cool. Tell me about the heat map. Did it really put a star over the Cape when I responded just now? Or am I seeing things.

Clearly you are dealing with some heavy stuff now and then. I've been on Zoloft since 1995, and it changed my life from panic attacks and agoraphobia to a sense of well being most of the time. There are degrees of this stuff, and I'm blessed that a small dose of Zoloft worked for me.

And more than bye the way, clearly you are smart as a whip. I remember statistics, loved it, but never got 100%.

Stay in touch,

Leanderthal,Lighthouse Keeper

Anonymous said...

I knew you would do good.


Anonymous said...

Congratulations on your test results - excellent! :)

Anonymous said...

4 out of 5 people have trouble with statistics, but I knew you'd do well ;-)

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