Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Another Journey Down the Desolate Path

Things haven't been going so well. My depression is acting up and once again my husband is angry. He told me today that he just doesn't understand me at all. I told him that I don't want to be with him anymore. I am tired of taking care of him all of the time and he isn't there for me. Once again he is displaying the same old behaviour as two years ago where he hasn't talked to me or had anything to do with me while I've been bad off. Actually today is the first day he has asked how I am because earlier this morning I told him that I want to be with someone who I could be there for while they were there for me and if I couldn't find it I just wouldn't be with anyone.

I really don't think it's out there when I think about it. I don't think that there is a couple who is there for each other. It's only Hollywood that makes those types of couples.

The last few depressive episodes he wasn't angry and much more supportive. I don't know what happened this time.

He says that I'm needy during these times. It's ironic that he says that because these past few days I haven't called him while he was out of the house or asked him to do anything for me. He can be in his studio the entire time and I don't say squat to him.

Last night I told him that I am appalled with how he has ignored me and treated me while I've been down.

I'm tired of this shit. And that is what it is...shit.

My mind is rambling.

If you only knew how down and depressed and full of anxiety my husband can be. If you only knew how I support him in every way. If you only knew what goes on in this house. I don't even write about it. I live it every day.

And I'm tired.

Really damn tired.


GirlBlue said...

Could only offer you my love and hugs, stay strong sweetie

John Finn said...

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time of it.

Probably worth mentioning that men can be painfully dumb. I say that as a man, and as such, I'm painfully dumb about a great many things.

I've learned to acept it. Comes with the testicles.

More to the point, the phrase "just be there for me" seems simple enough - five words, one syllable each - but I haven't a clue what that means, and my guess is your husband doesn't either.

Might help if you considered his innate masculine stupidity and spelled it out a bit more for him: tell him what you need, in terms of direct, simple tasks.

"Honey, I'm feeling rotten today. Can you take care of dinner?" is something a man can understand. He'll know exactly what to do, and will probably do it. But he'll never guess on his own.

Of course, it could well be that you've tried that tactic and it didn't work. Or maybe you're blogging to express your frustration, and aren't looking for advice.

I understand women do that sometimes, but being a man, I still can't figure out exactly when.

Sorry about that. Testicles, dontcha know.

linda said...

Perhaps it is best if he just accepts you rather than try to understand you. Sometimes men find it hard to understand women - I mean, the differences between the two are fairly diverse. Men and women think differently and I guess (as John was saying) you have to work within that scope.

My husband often says to me "It must be difficult living inside your head at times". So, his acceptance of my ups and downs is all I really need and expect.

Only I understand myself. And that took years to get to.

Bon Don said...

I agree with John. When I get anxious or down I tell my hubby, I need more attention, hugs, random affection and kind words pronto! It seems to work...

Dr.Rutledge said...

I'm an academic physician (formerly at Harvard and Stanford) who found your blog while looking for the best health writers. I think your writing is great! I would like to feature you in the Mental Health Community on Wellsphere, a top 10 health website that has well over 2 million visitors monthly.

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Chunks of Reality said...

Girlblue - Thanks a bunch. :) *hugs*

John - As usual I love your honesty. Thanks for dropping a line. :) Your advice is very helpful and I have never told him that I'm feeling depressed when I feel it hitting and asked to help out. I think it's because I don't want him to know that I'm going down the spiral because of his reactions in the past and don't want to dredge up any more negative emotions.

I am going to try it though and let you know how it goes. Thanks so much...maybe it will do the trick.

Chunks of Reality said...

Linda - Oh, to have your wisdom would be heavenly. Yes, you are right and I never thought about it that way. I just want him to accept me. You are right, he will never understand (or maybe he doesn't want to, I don't know because he experiences some pretty dark times himself) but if he JUST accepted me. It would make all of the difference.

When the ship is sailing on a good day I will express that to him. Hopefully it will make a difference.

Thank you, my dear! *hugs*

Chunks of Reality said...

Bon Don - It's wonderful that you have done that and also wonderful that your husband helps you during those times. I am going to try what you and John are advising and I certainly hope that it works.

Thanks so much for stopping by. I'll be stopping by your blog soon. :)

Chunks of Reality said...

Dr. Rutledge - You have no idea how unexpected your comment was and how it affected me. I've been going through some rough times lately and your out-of-the-blue comment made my day!

I e-mailed you expressing interest this past Sunday. I look forward to hearing from you at your convenience.

Thanks once again!

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