Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Death on the Brain

Am I the only person who thinks about suicide on a daily basis? I can be walking down the street and something happen and my mind whispers, "I want to kill myself". I think about death a lot and if it weren't for my daughter I'm sure my life would have ended ages ago.

Is there some neuroprocessor in my brain that is fixated on death? I don't consciously think of death. I don't dream of death. My waking mind does though for no apparent reason and I'm frankly tired of it.

I've realized that these fantasies of death and suicide occur because I just want the pain to stop. That's all it boils down to. I just want it to end.

I can't imagine being like this for the next 50 years or more. I say "or more" because my paternal great-grandmother died one month prior to her 111 birthday. Surely, I can't imagine living that long like this.

Do you think about death or suicide much or do I represent the minority in this?


linda said...

I have times where I have thought of it because it offers a form of mental relief. However, deep down I know I would not do it. I know the feeling will pass and I make myself think of other stuff.

I cannot say much more than that, for the thoughts are complex and later on, when I am feeling fairly normal, I cannot imagine why I thought that way.

Take care Catherine.

Anonymous said...

Not on a daily basis, but I semi-regularly contemplate my death. Not because I'm depressed all the time either, although I have done so whilst in that state. But as a yogi its part of the path to consider death because it is a part of this life.

That said, suicide is coming from a place of pain and disidentification with anything but. Its losing touch with who you are and your value in this life. And whilst you're still alive, you have value.

I wrote a post a little while back called "On not contemplating suicide" discussing this very topic.

Check it out if you like.

And be well. :)

la said...

No, you're not alone. I think about suicide and self-harm numerous times throughout the day without any real desire to do either. They're not conscious thoughts, they just pop into my brain. If I'm by the window on the tenth floor I can't help but think about what it would be like to jump; if I'm waiting to cross the road I think about running into the traffic. And then then thought pops out again.

GirlBlue said...

I think about it and also cutting and piercing myself most times. Any little thing could set me off. You're not alone, we're here with you and we will all get through it okay

Unknown said...

Naturally, seeing as my partner died as a result of suicide, I'm constantly bombarded with it. People with depression, bipolar, personality disorders, the list goes on, are subject to suicidal thoughts far more regularly than others. Just another shitty fact we have to deal with!!

I hope you start feeling better soon *hugs*

Unknown said...

Chunks, I honestly don't think about it but I do know people have suffered from depression and suicidal thoughts, so I know you are not alone.

I am lifting you up in my thoughts and intentions for healing. Warmly, Barbara

Melly Mel said...

Your too hard on yourself. I saw your pictures and your a very pretty girl. *HUGS*

la said...

And pretty girls don't get depressed?

Da Old Man said...

Pretty regularly. But I wouldn't want to hurt my daughter and wife like that.

Unknown said...

In the last 3 months, the thought process of suicide has been at the forefront of my mind.

I am not suicidal. I do not have suicidal tendancies.

I do have a thought process that makes me believe life would be easier, pain free and dare I say it, but happy.

You are not alone with this one, the best thing you have done is to express it in a safe environment. Putting it out for the world to see takes away some of the "beary scary" aspects when you start to over think your own thoughts.

Congratulations on expressing it and seeking help.

Great Blog.

Bon Don said...

I'm sorry you're feeling a little lost right now, but you're not alone... no one reallys knows what goes on behind closed doors and therefore can't really give you the advice you need but we can all give you support!

By the way just caught up on your blog and I'm a fan! You're beautiful and have a beautiful daughter!

*Bon Don*

Anonymous said...

I have felt that way at times. Once after my daughter died.. I seriously thought about it... but then I found out that I was pregnant and I couldn't do that to my baby....

I was diagnosed with clinical depression a few years back. I was having thoughts again.
I took anti-depressants for a while- it went away and then I SLOWLY came off of them a little at a time.

I DO think about DEATH on a daily basis... because eternity comes afterwards and that is what my life is focused on.

Nice to meet you, even in such circumstances. If you want to talk about it, or anything, don;t hesitate to email me- I see you have dropped by my blog:) at

Immi said...

I used to, for many years. I finally got treatment for bipolar all over as well as the depression side and it went away. But, no, you're not alone.

quarter-life lady. said...

You are certainly not alone, but I think you should maybe seek some help. People experience depression every day, but that does not make it normal or okay! You have a lot to offer to the world and the best thing for you to do is to seek support and encouragement. You've gotta focus on the light at the end of the tunnel.

Blessings and love,

Anonymous said...

Every day x

Chunks of Reality said...

I want to thank everyone for your kind comments and heartfelt words. I receive comments to the blog via e-mail and you have no idea how much it meant to me to receive and read every one of your posts.

For the newcomers to my blog, welcome and I will be popping by your blog very soon to take a gander and say hello.

For the regulars, sorry I haven't stopped by but I haven't blogged around lately and plan to remedy that very soon!

Thank you all once again. Your support is really unbelievable.

Unknown said...

My doctor always asks "How bad the suicidal thoughts are?" and my answer normally is no worse then normal. After three years he has come to realize that suicidal thoughts pretty much and every day occurrence in my life. I start to get concerned when it goes from "I want to die" type thoughts to actually planning it out.

Anonymous said...

I haven't thought about suicide since I was younger and suffering with an eating disorder. These days though I do have this irrational fear and anxiety surrounding death - I get panicky, can't breathe, and freak out - for no reason. I can be watching a cartoon with my son and something triggers it in me, or a news story, or just something someone says. I find practicing yoga and attemtping meditation help a little. good luck, I thought I was alone but thanotophobia is a real phobia.

Anonymous said...

You are not alone.
And put so wonderfully, I want the pain to stop................I so want the pain to stop

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