Sunday, November 9, 2008

Feeling the Burn

I'm finally doing better once again. I sound like a broken record. Friday I felt the depression's such a physical sensation. Yesterday I continued to progress and today is even better. I am tired, though. Coming out of a depressive episode can be such an exhaustive event. Today I've been working on schoolwork. It's mid-term week and I wish that I could just take a nap. No time for that today. Hopefully I won't be up tonight late finishing homework.

Last night a realization occurred. I am like a boat floating on the water and my husband is the weather. When the weather is good and moods are high, the boat floats happily in the shining sun. When the tropical storm gathers force the little boat braces itself and is ready for anything. As the violent winds toss the boat this way and that structural damage occurs and it takes time and energy to rebuild.

I have never met anyone like my husband. I love him. That has never changed. It's so strange because we really don't have a problem with each other. We do have a problem with how he reacts to his environment because it affects all of us. He is highly sensitive to light, sound, touch, cold, heat, and is very intuitive to the emotions of people around him. He demands respect from everyone on the planet and it can really disturb him if he feels that he doesn't receive the respect he deserves. His first reaction to any negative emotion he may feel is anger. He is quick to react and his anger can go from zero to 1000 in a split-second. At times I watch him rev his anger engine and am amazed at how he can start talking about something and his engine starts up, it then purrs along and before you can blink it's screeching up to the ceiling. It's unbelievable to watch. A lot of times I sit there silently during these moments watching a catastrophe occur.

In the beginning I didn't know how to react. A lot of times I reacted by shouting like him. Other times I was silent and held everything inside with my gut wrenching. Over time I became silent and just watched. Watching him really helped in learning more about him.

It's so ironic because in most ways he is like an 84-year old man even though he's 34. He is highly mature, wise and way beyond his years. Yet at the same time he has this very immature side to him that reminds me of a 5-year old boy stomping his foot and yelling at the top of his lungs when he's angry. It's obvious he never learned how to effectively deal with his emotions. He deals with them through anger and that certainly is not effective.

He hates this about himself. He wants to change. He's not a bad person. He is a lovely person, actually and is a magnet for everyone who meets him. He is pure energy and is like a candle burning at both ends. You can get burned in the process if you are too close. It is exhausting to be around such a serious and passionate person. At times I hold my head and wonder how I can do it for much longer because I am very tired.


la said...

Glad you're feeling better =)

Real Live Lesbian said...

You just described my ex. I know exactly how that feels. It is exhausting.

Hang in there. I hope you can deal with it better than I did.


Immi said...

Glad to hear you're feeling better! Enjoy being back in the world :)

Anonymous said...

I'd wait until you are recovered enough before you take on wrapping your mind around the right way to deal with that, but I would try to. You don't deserve to live on a rolling sea unless you have set the course for that kind of trip.Life is too damn short, you know?

Chunks of Reality said...

Thank you La and Immi! Today was an even more better day than yesterday!

Chunks of Reality said...

RLL - Thank you for your thoughts and kind words. I hope that I can as well. Even more I hope that he can hang in there and find peace for himself. I want what is the best for him and I just want him to be happy and peaceful.

Thanks again. :)

Chunks of Reality said...

Hope! I am so happy to see that you are back in the blogosphere. You've been away for awhile and I have been worried about you. I'll pop by your blog soon.

Yes, life *is* way too short. I've thought the same quite often the past few days.


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