Wednesday, May 19, 2010

I Am That Person

I can't believe how I don't blog any more. I really need to get back into it. It's just I am sick and tired of talking about how sick and tired I am. Do you ever get to a point where you don't want to complain? I am there and have been there for a while.

In my everyday world I don't complain. I am that person you see walking down the hall at work who nods and smiles at you. I am that person in the grocery store who smiles if eye contact is established. I am that person who doesn't talk about her personal life. I am that person who even my friends don't know what's going on or how I am feeling. I am that person who is there for her family and friends but don't know how to be there for myself. I am that person who always asks how you are doing when you ask how am I doing.

This blog is the only place where I can really say how I feel. Unfortunately, because I do not express how I feel to people who actually know me, I feel free to express how I really feel here in this blog and what comes out like rusty water from a gushing faucet? My shit, my woes, my anger, my depression, my dissatisfaction and you, reader, have to subject yourself to it if you decide to read.

I feel that it's a disservice to you. I don't want to do that to you. Even though I don't personally know you, the blogging world makes you feel like you do and I find myself wanting to be that person in the grocery store giving a warm smile instead of showing my sadness.

I have thought about turning off the option for readers to comment. I feel awful when I don't reply to all comments. I feel like I am using my readers for self-gratification. On the other hand, you have all helped me so very much. More than family and friends because you know what's going on. So, what to do?

I haven't had time to even visit all of your blogs either and that is another reason to feel guilty.

So, I've stayed away from the blogging community.

Do you have any advice? Should I turn off the comments? Should I feel guilty? Should I continue to blog? If I do, how do I stop feeling guilty for complaining so much?


raydenzel1 said...

a blog allows you to release your emotions to the world if you want, sometimes it will seem not to make sense to anyone but you, so be it. You have 58 followers that have deemed you worthy and interesting. everyone has something that goes wrong in life, some less, some more than you. You still matter.

John Finn said...

Welcome back ... I hope. It's been quite a while.

I don't know if I can share any helpful tips or insights about the entire blogging thing - being reluctant to express something in a blog, feeling guilty about not responding to comments. If it helps, it's not "just you" who feels this way.

I'm often feel like I'm grousing too much about the petty problems of my unimportant life and boring the hell out of everyone. But I need an outlet, and because I don't feel comfortable expressing myself to people I know in "real" life, the blog is the only way I can get some things off my chest, and sometimes (though not as often as I'd like) helps in sorting them out. And from time to time, I recognize that I've been too dour and try to sneak in a post about something lighthearted. Don't know if it helps, but it does assuage the guilt and self-loathing I feel at being so grumpy at times.

On blog comments - I'd say leave them on, but don't feel compelled to respond to everyone. A comment isn't the same as a bulletin board conversation or an e-mail. A response isn't required.

I do get the sense that some people think that it is - and might feel a bit snubbed by a lack of response on my part - but that's their mistake. I try to talk back now and then, to let them know I appreciate that they read and contribute, and generally make a point of responding when they've asked a relevant question.

When the shoe is on the other foot, I don't feel disgruntled when I post a comment (which is rare) and the blog owner doesn't respond at all. If they have the time and interest, that's OK, but if they don't, it's totally understandable.

Anonymous said...

Hey Lovely.

The way I see it, at the end of the day, this is your blog and your space to do what you want with, regardless of what anyone else thinks. If you need to vent, do so. Moan? go for it. Do what you need to do sweet.

And don't worry about comments too much as John said. You're in charge remember.

Take care :) xx

carol gomide said...

I totally agree with John.

And I think I get where you're coming from. I recently deleted my blog (a bit more drastic then turning off the comment section). I think I was the closest I could get to deleting myself. Anyway...

I related very much to what you wrote about being "that person". That sweet, smiling, soft spoken person with a silent storm going on in the inside. I really don't know what to tell you... I don't know what to tell myself.

But I do think you're an interesting and intelligent person and I feel bad that we have to go through all this crap.

If you write, I'll read.
Don't know if that helps.

Unknown said...

i know how you feel at the moment. Don't turn off your comments. You don't have to respond to every comment and I am sure that noone expects you to.
Blogging is my way (most of the time) of moaning. I don't tell anyone how I feel about anything. Sometimes it all comes out in a rush of madness but that's a rare occurrence. Mostly I keep it in and rant about it in here.
At the minute I can't even sort out what I want to rant and complain about. But I know its always here if I need it.
We all need some way of getting it out of our system x

WG said...

Weirdly I have been having a conversation with other bloggers about this today - the nature of blogging and what we get from it as authors.

My solution to this has been to end up with about 5 blogs - some are private where I share stuff I may later consider to be whingeing, and others where I put fun stuff - it all depends on how I am feeling as to what I post where.

Personally I like your blog :) and think it's important, especially if you don't work through feelings with other people (and there are many of us who don't) that you have somewhere to write about it - some space that is yours.

Hope to keep reading!


Andi said...

Of course you should keep blogging! You're not doing it to make other people feel better, it's a log of your own journey. If you feel like you're complaining too much, then how about posting a gratitude list now and then. Looking for the good in life really helps me to have a higher perspective. Sorry if this doesn't help or if you already do it. I just stumbled on your blog for the first time and it made me sad to see that you would give up something that is so helpful to you :)

Anonymous said...

please do continue to blog. if you feel this is only place you can let it all out, you need to carry on.

Chunks of Reality said...

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I am going to continue blogging as I can. Right now I just feel too much emotion and don't know how to let it out without blasting everything.

I just wrote my last post and feel immediately bad about all of the cuss words. They aren't needed, but in a way are because it's the most applicable words I can use right now concerning how I feel.

Oh well, I hope not to offend anyone.

Really, thank you. You all mean a lot to me.

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