Pictures from Morocco

Wow, I haven't posted for a week! Things have been very busy lately and I don't even know where to begin.



I had mid-terms last week and got through them both with A's. I then had to start writing a first draft for my research paper and turned that in last night. I'm so happy to have it turned in finally. I never thought I would be able to complete it. Now I will have to make more tweaks to the paper and also wait for my professor to give some feedback to tweak it more. I just hope to finish this class with an A.



I have not had a chance AT ALL to read my favorite blogs and I will be doing that today. I can't wait! I've missed them all like old friends.



My husband is still in Morocco. The following are pictures either he or his brother e-mailed to me:





Standing in the Hassan Mosque





His brother at the mosque





With his grandparents





His Grandfather making Moroccan Mint Tea



I've talked with my husband several times and he is doing well. I can tell that it's been great for him to see his family and friends. It's been seven years since he saw them all! He says that he is ready to come back home. He won't be home until November 27.



I am curious what it will be like when he gets back home. He said that being back at home reminds him of why he left his country in the first place. He said that it has really made him think about a lot of things, which is a good thing. He said that when he gets back home he wants to concentrate more on his family and our health versus putting his work and art first. He has apologized many times for the way he has acted and that it will be different when he comes back home.



I hope that it will.



Between my daughter, work, homework, the house, clothes, etc, etc, a lot has been going on.



I really wish that I could go on vacation.

$2.99 Well Spent

I am very proud of myself today. Even though I went to bed late last night I was able to get up early this morning. My daughter is not here this weekend because she is down in Florida and it is her responsibility to feed the cats, so I immediately fed them (three cats named Tom, Shuga and Q-Tip. Tom and Q-Tip live indoors while Shuga prefers outside), fed HoneyBunny, our toy poodle, the three goldfish whose names I forget (well, except for one named "Junior"), and Frida, our blue and gold macaw.



While I'm thinking about it, I'll post some pictures of them all. I don't have a picture of Tom, Shuga or the goldfish saved on this laptop, but the rest are below.



Here is a picture of HoneyBunny. I have posted her picture before:







Below is a picture of Q-Tip when we first got him at three weeks old. He was found in the middle of the road and I discovered him at a local animal shelter. He fit in the palm of my hand back then.







The next picture is Q-Tip at approximately three months old.







The next pictures are Q-Tip now at a year and a half.











The next picture is Frida, our blue and gold macaw. She is my husband's daughter.







Speaking of husband's and daughters, here is my husband (with his Mom who he is currently visiting right now in Morocco) and my daughter (who would want you to know that she no longer wears glasses, but contacts...she is just so pleased about that).











And here is one of me and another of my daughter and me (my favorite picture of us together):









After feeding everyone I organized around the house, took out the trash, cleaned the kitchen, took a shower and drove to work. I worked until 5:00pm and I cannot believe how much I accomplished there. I feel very happy about it all. In the grand scheme of things the accomplishments amount to a half-grain of sand, but I'm happy nonetheless. That is the sad part of how debilitating depression can be. You get to a point that even brushing your teeth feels like a success at times and it feels pretty silly.



Tonight I am laying in bed with HoneyBunny at my side, a wonderful cup of tea, and a little purchase I made today for $2.99 that completely smells heavenly and divine. It's incense made in India by a company named Maroma. The scent I bought is patchouli and I feel so very relaxed as I breathe it in. It is simply delicious and I think everyone who reads this needs to make a purchase. You won't regret it.



An insert was inside the incense package that really got me interested in the Maroma company. The paper insert itself smells so strongly of the incense that I'm going to put it in my drawer where I store my nightwear. The following is a few tidbits written in the insert:

Their Description of the Stick Incense

Bamboo sticks hand rolled into sandalwood powder bound with a natural gum resin. The finished sticks are then dipped into our own fragrances which have been blended with essential oils.



Commitment to People and the Environment

Our head offices and manufacturing facilities are located in India which is one of the most beautiful but densely populated countries in the world. As a consequence, we are particularly sensitive to environmental issues and are dedicated to helping reduce the degradation of our planet's natural resources. We are equally dedicated to the dignity and the quality of life for our employees who are all adults (minimum age is 18 years old) and mostly women from the surrounding villages. We have always strictly adhered to the International Fair Trade principles even before these principles and practices were widely publicized. The ingredients used in the fabrication of our products are recyclable and abundantly present in nature or they are taken from renewable resources. We use a minimum of energy resources to produce our products. We control and recycle our waste, and for the packaging we always choose material with little impact on the environment.

It sounds like a great company. I wish that I could visit and take a tour and watch how they make their products.



Seriously, another dream I have is one day after my daughter gets older and finds her way in life, I want to pack my bags and live in a ashram in India for a year. I really hope to do that one day. Maybe when I do I will visit Maroma and help them make some incense sticks!

Too Much To Do In Too Little Time

I don't know what is wrong with me. I can barely breathe. I think that it's anxiety; however, I don't know what I'm anxious about. I'm at work right now taking a small break. It's 7:52pm and I'll be here for quite a while. I've been here since 9:00am and am exhausted.

Today I have experienced emotions such as sadness, fear, anger, and disgust. In order to try and figure out why I'm feeling this way I will dissect each emotion and why I feel it:

Sadness
I thought that I would be relieved when my husband went to Morocco. We definitely needed a break from each other to think things through. I thought at first it would be a nice break and then I would start missing him. What I didn't expect is that I am already missing him. I feel lost without him. Life doesn't have as much sense to it now. I never expected to have that reaction.

Fear
I am afraid that when he returns home things will go back to the hell it was and I don't want that to happen. I really want things to get better in every way. It basically boils down to wanting him to be happy.

Anger
Today I attended a luncheon provided by my contract company. It was quite nice to be there and the food was great. The owner of my contact company is a personal friend who I respect, admire and love. She is a great woman. I've known her a little over five years. She asked how my husband was doing and the discussion invariably went to his art. She loves art and has many amazing pieces displayed in her home. She asked how he was doing in his business and I told her that he is no longer focusing on "making the hotdogs". She thought that his hotdogs were his art! I explained (once again) that what he has designed in homes is merely craft and a way to make money. I reminded her about his fine art and though I didn't show it, I became angry. I wasn't angry with her.

So, why was I angry?

Because I am SICK and TIRED of explaining his fine art to people. People don't seem to get it or remember it. I have firmly believed since I met him that he will be in art history books one day. I have never wavered in this belief. You may equate my thinking to him making a lot of money. It was never about the money. Riches and fame are two different things and they don't always go hand-in-hand. Though we are in dire straits financially I really don't care about him making millions with his art. What I care about is that he one day receives the recognition he deserves.

Disgust
I am a sub-contractor working on a four year project. Many employees I work with are highly arrogant and love to backstab. I refuse to personally associate with many and maintain a very professional relationship. I am sickened at times to see how they interact with each other. It reminds me of five-year old boys squabbling in a sandbox over a toy truck. People here are either on the offense or defense. There is no middle ground. Today I watched someone strut into our area asking why people were talking with each other like he was the CEO. The ironic thing is that if you walk down to his area he is consistently surfing the net.

The company is quite unethical and sometimes charges the client with work they did for another project. They lie a lot. Today I have reached my limit and am thoroughly disgusted. I really want to get out of here because my respect for them has dwindled to nothing.

My dream job is working in California for Google. In the past I have looked at their available positions and I plan to do that again soon.

Ugh...I better get back to work. Too much to do in too little time. I'll be here tomorrow as well, but still...

I also have mid-terms to work on, an outline to write and turn in for my research paper, grocery shopping, washing clothes and cleaning around the house. I hope I can get through this weekend.

Birthday, Work, Mid-Terms and Exits

I have not had a chance to blog at all! My husband left for Morocco yesterday and we spent a lot of time together prior to him leaving. He won't be back for a month!

It was my birthday this past Monday. I'm 36 (wow...four years until 40!).

It's mid-terms this week at my university and I have to create an outline for my research paper. UGH.

I worked until 10:00pm tonight and I'll have to do it again tomorrow. I also work Saturday. Sunday I am finishing schoolwork.

So...when I have a few minutes like right now before sacking out to sleep, I read some blogs; however, I haven't had the time to post in my own. By the way, I have been reading DeathSweeper's blog. OMG he is a great writer and I just love his blog. Hop over there if you want to read some wonderful posts from a very special person.

I'll try to post before Sunday, but we'll see.

Monday I have the root canal...YAY! (I never thought I would jump up and down in excitement about a root canal.)

Tuesday I will be home late.

Thursday I will be home late.

Maybe Wednesday I can post?

If not, I'll be back in the blogging business next weekend (11/10/07) and can finally catch up with everything going on...it's been a flurry of activities!

I didn't know that I was addicted to blogging until I didn't have time to do it. Egad...is there a "Bloggers Anonymous" group I can join? :)

Mindfulness

Today I read the following quote:

Happiness does not depend on outward things, but on the way we see them.
Leo Tolstoy: 1828-1910, Novelist and Philosopher

It made me stop and think. I need to change the way I see things. I am usually a very optimistic person; however, lately I have really been letting things (and people) get me down.

It's difficult during emotional times to conjure this quote in my mind and make myself look at the situation differently. I need to practice mindfulness more. I learned a lot about mindfulness in the hospital and it's something that I have not put into practice for a long time. I need to make decisions on how I am going to react. I need to remember that it's not the situation making me feel a certain way, but a decision I am making to feel that way.

It's very difficult, but I'm going to try to practice this more.

Received Another Call Today

I received the following call at work today:

*ring*

Me: Hello..

Stranger: What is the name of your attorney?

Me: What?

Stranger: I need to know the name of the attorney representing you.

Me: Who is this?

Stranger: I am calling from *** to collect payment for a past due bill.

Me: First of all, this is my work and do not call me at my place of employment again.

Stranger: That is fine, ma'am. What is the name of your attorney?

Me: I do not have one yet. I will be signing with one very soon.

Stranger: So you don't have one?

Me: ...

Stranger: That is fine, we are going to sue you for the amount of $*** that you owe our company. Good luck.

*click*

She completely hung up on me. She never gave her name. She didn't leave her number.

I'm scared.

If I could claim bankruptcy right at this moment I would. I have to have these calls stopped. I can't afford the money I need to give to my attorney. I won't be able to afford it until I receive my tax refund. The early part of February is when I will receive it.

Will I be served with papers before February? February is four months away. If I am served with papers before then I will need to hire an attorney and I can't do it until February!

Also, when you are served with papers do they do it at your work? Will a policeman show up here and make me sign them? Do you get them through a certified letter in the mail? How does this happen? Were they trying to scare me and then they'll call again later hoping I'll have the money and drag it out more before getting an attorney after me?

I really cannot stand this. I never thought I would ever be in this situation. I never thought that I would be faced with bankruptcy and I certainly never thought I would be wanting to do it as soon as possible.

OMG...what has my life come to?

Did I Ever Mention The Hole In My Head?

I am very tired today. Last night I wasn't able to sleep very well and my husband and I ended up talking until around 3:45am (and when I say talking, I do mean only talking). We laughed a lot and it was really nice. We used to do this all the time years ago and he called those warm moments in the dark "slumber parties". We would be dragging around the next day dead on our feet, but we were happy.

I told him last night right before he went to sleep that I didn't care how tired I would be today because it was well worth it. He agreed.

This morning I had to be up at 6:00am to be at the dentist by 8:00am. I think that even after my husband fell asleep I slept very lightly because I was scared to miss my appointment. I was very happy to go to the dentist because I was finally going to get the crown that I needed for my tooth. I've never had a crown before and wasn't looking forward to the drilling, but I didn't care because the hole in my head would finally be fixed.

Months and months ago my dentist told me that I needed a crown. He warned me saying that if I waited to do it that it would start hurting and then I might need to have a root canal. I put it off because I didn't have the money. I got to the point where I couldn't put it off any longer because it hurt and became sensitive when eating and drinking hot/cold things. I still didn't have the money and was trying to figure out what to do. My Mom called me last week and asked if I had gotten my tooth fixed. I told her no and she said that she would send money to pay for half of it. I was so thankful. With her paying for half of it, I would be able to get it done. I could give the dentist the money she gave me to pay half of it now and then pay the other half when I went back to get the permanent crown. That would give me another month to save money for it.

When I arrived at the dentist they said that they wanted to take an x-ray of my tooth prior to working on it. After taking the x-ray the dentist said he couldn't do the crown today because he needed to refer me to another dentist to get an evaluation to see if I needed a root canal. He said that the root pulp of my tooth is damaged now and I may need one. It was so embarrassing, but I just looked at him and couldn't help crying. Tears started to fall and I tried to stop, but that made it worse and I cried more.

I couldn't believe that my dentist didn't do root canals and that he was going to refer me to someone else. Even though he warned me that this could happen, I was hoping so much that I wouldn't need a root canal in the first place! This will cost even more money.

The dentist they referred me to is on vacation this week. He is busy when he gets back next week and doesn't have an opening until November 6, which is two weeks away. That appointment is only an evaluation which means I will need to pay him $60 for the appointment to find out if I need it. If he says I do, I will then have to schedule another appointment to get it done. Who knows when that will happen. My tooth is hurting as I type this and I am sad to wait that long.

I cried in my car all the way to work because I don't know how I will come up with the money for the root canal. I didn't know this about root canals, but basically you get the root canal and then have to get a crown on top of it which means I still need to pay for the crown, but now there is an added cost for an evaluation and the root canal.

My Mom gave me $200. I am going to have to come up with at least $400 to $500 more.

I really don't know how I'm going to do this.