Finally

I am back from the dead. The following are a few things that have been going on:

• Depression
• Trying to Get Up and Function like Brushing Teeth and Taking a Shower
• Depression
• Thanksgiving Holidays
• Depression
• Cleaning House
• Depression
• Washing Clothes
• Depression
• Taking my Daughter to Appointments
• Depression
• Working
• Depression
• Schoolwork
• Depression
• Working on my Final Draft
• And did I mention Depression?

I received a 94 on the first draft of the research paper I am writing. I was pleased because I thought the grade would be abominable. The professor gave good constructive criticism and I have been working on finalizing it. The final draft is due a week from today.

Only two and a half weeks of school are left and I am so grateful. I hope to push through with A's. I don't want the 4.0 GPA to falter. Ugh, I put myself under too much pressure. I mean, who will really give a damn later if I have a 4.0 GPA or not other than myself? Absolutely NO ONE will EVER ask.

I don't look forward to next quarter starting in January. I will have to take Statistics...UGH UGH UGH!! God help me with this.

I haven't been online much at all. I am so far behind in blogging, reading other's blogs, commenting on other's blogs, responding to the kind people who have commented on my blog and catching up with e-mail. I opened my e-mail and wow'ed at the number of mails. Oh yes, and I need to visit BlogCatalog as well. Try BlogCatalog if you haven't already. It is very cool.

My depression has been debilitating. I am at work now and must catch up. I will be working late into the night each night this week as well as this weekend. I am at work now, actually. It's 7:05pm and I'm taking a small break. Thank God I can e-mail this to my blog so that it will post. If not, I don't know when I would be able to post.

Well, I am saying much ado about absolutely nothing. I can't express how I feel. I am getting better because I am at work. I am at least functioning. The heavy blanket is still wrapped tight, but at least I am able to breathe. I am grateful for that.

I am also grateful to everyone who reads this blog of meandering thoughts and also the wonderful people who have left such wonderful comments. Thinking about you all brings tears to my eyes. Isn't it ironic how we can pour out everything we are thinking or feeling to complete strangers in our blogs and receive the best feedback? I am not able to tell anyone in my "real" life. I do not have friends, anyway. I certainly don't tell my parents because they will become too concerned and will also judge. It isn't beneficial to anyone.

I just want to say "THANK YOU!!" again to everyone. As soon as I can I will reply to the wonderful comments people have left here.

As soon as I can I will also catch up with everyone else's blog! I cannot, CANNOT imagine how far behind I am with Linda's blog! :) She writes like crazy and it's GREAT stuff. Get over there if you haven't already.

By the way, my husband is home. He got home last night. It was very late when we got back from the airport (approximately 1:00am) and I had to work today so I have hardly seen him.

I guess that it's it. I just wanted whoever reads this to know that I haven't off'ed myself somewhere though I really did think about it for awhile. Don't worry, I won't do it. If I haven't done it already I don't see myself doing that in the future. I really want to get through this. I really want to live. I really want to look back at all of this and feel proud of myself for what I have accomplished and overcome. (My gawd…writing that makes me cry. Isn't that silly? I hate, abhor and detest depression!! Thank God no one is here at work now.)

I'll be blogging again soon…

It's Time to Fess Up

There is something I need to talk about. I never talk about this and I feel I must. I need to track it. So, I'm going to put a label for this post entitled "Sleeping" to find it easily.



This blog is for me. I realize that; however, I find myself not wanting to talk about everything Why? I really have no clue. It's like I have to keep up some type of persona even for myself. It truly is ridiculous and not helpful at all.



So...I need to fess up. It's time.



I've been severely depressed. To the point that I have been in bed sleeping for more than 18 hours at a time. It started like this: My daughter was sick Monday with a stomach virus. I stayed home with her. Tuesday she went back to school but needed to come home very early because she was still sick. I stayed home with her. I fretted the entire time about the money I wasn't earning while being home. I felt too guilty to leave her by herself while she was sick. I felt guilty for even worrying about money while she was sick.



I felt stuck. My husband is in Morocco. No one else was home to be with her. I needed to stay home. I wanted to stay home because I wanted to take care of her. It's just the factor of money that made anxiety flare like a bonfire.



Another reason why I fretted is because next week is Thanksgiving. We are off work next Thursday and Friday for the holiday. I don't get paid for holidays, therefore no money will be earned. Not getting paid for Monday and Tuesday along with next Thursday and Friday equals almost a week of work I won't get paid for.



That severely impedes my financial situation. Christmas is coming up soon as well. I won't get paid for two days during Christmas that the company takes off and also New Years Day. So, in a two-month time span I won't get paid for seven business days.



It gets worse though. I sabotaged myself...A LOT.



To make matters worse, I became so depressed by Wednesday I was in bed. I couldn't get up. My daughter went back to school. I slept. Thursday she felt bad again and stayed home. I was actually relieved because that was an excuse to stay home. Today she went back to school and I was in bed. So now it means I won't get paid for ten business days in a two-month span.



I have slept so much and I am so tired. My daughter is at my parents house for the weekend and I am alone which is best.



I just want to die. I don't want to wake up.



Don't worry - I'm not going to do myself in. I mean...sure, I think about it. I think everyone does at some point in their life. Maybe I'm wrong. I hope I'm not. Because if I am it means I'm more abnormal than I would like to think.



I haven't eaten except for two slices of French bread with some hummus. I have had maybe one cup of water a day.



I'm not hungry.



I finally ate tonight. I can't eat much. My stomach got filled up very quickly.



Yesterday my daughter climbed in bed with me. We talked. She is more aware than I would ever think or want to realize. See, I told her that I had the virus that she had. I thought she believed me. I think she does to some degree, but somehow the conversation turned to depression. She told me that she had never seen someone with depression so badly. See, she has anger issues at times. She told me that she was happy she had anger issues like her father compared to depression issues like me. She said that at least with anger it would go away after a while. She said depression doesn't go away. She said it may get better, but it comes back.



It does come back.



I feel so inconsistent.



I can't depend on myself.



I feel like a horrible mother.



I don't want her to remember this.



I don't want her to remember how I laid in the bed sleeping for 18+ hours.



It reminds me of my Mom. She did this (and still does). I am repeating the cycle. It must end.



This has happened so many times before in the past two years. And my financial situation just gets worse. I am slowly dying.



Sometimes I think it would be so much better if I weren't here. My daughter wouldn't have to watch. She would be better off. I try so hard to be a great mom...a great wife...a great employee...a great student...a great person. And then I sabotage myself and show everyone including myself what a piece of shit I am. Then it makes it so much harder to work because I feel like I have to make up for the depression.



At this point I have so much to make up for that I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's too overwhelming.



This week my anger for my husband has been unreal. Since he has been gone I have been able to be away from the drama and the stress. I have been able to be a bit more objective because I'm not in the middle of the mess. I'm not walking on eggshells. It has been a relief. At the same time it has been maddening because I realize more and more what stress I go through with him. Doesn't he realize? Does he comprehend what it's like?



He hasn't been here to shout, scream and be insulting; however, I have been doing that for him in my mind. The inner dialogue in my mind keeps repeating what he has said to me in the past and it makes me more and more angry.



I have been in the pursuit of his happiness for seven years. I have wanted him to live his dream for seven years. I just want him to be happy!!!!!!



Does he want me to be happy?

Father of Mine

My Dad (who I call "Daddy") is actually my step-father. He is a wonderful man who married my Mom ("Momma"...yes I am 36-years old, but that is their names to me) when I was 10-years old. If it wasn't for him I would probably have a very different view of men.

My biological father is named Jim. I don't call him "Dad" or any variation. He was mostly out of my life over time, and the few times he was in, it was a psychotic mixture of love, fear, confusion, intimidation, and anger. Jim is highly intelligent and VERY charming. He is manic-depressive (bipolar) and has had issues with lies, drugs, alcohol, sex, and violence. He has the ability to make you feel like you are the most special being in the world and then two minutes later something snaps and he is punching you in the head. Being with him can be quite a surreal experience. He is gifted in playing mind games and can make the most sane person feel they are going crazy.

I'll never forget the last time I spoke with him he actually said, "Why do you keep trying to be my friend?". I am an only child and my daughter is his only grandchild and he doesn't even know her. The last time he saw her was when she was three years old and she is now 14.

I started writing this and now I don't know what to write. There are some things I wish that I could express. I think if I could it would help me. Over time I will try in this blog because really it's a journal and I want to face some things in order to let them go.

I guess what I am trying to express is that I don't understand Jim. I can still cry thinking about him at times. He is a piece of emotional baggage I carry around and I am truly tired of it. I would like to let the suitcase go.

I just don't understand why he didn't love me. I didn't understand it when I was younger, and I really don't understand now that I have a child of my own.

I'll never forget when I heard a song called "Father of Mine" from Everclear the first time. I was driving down the road and had to pull over because I was crying so hard.

I looked for the song and the lyrics are below. Other than substituting "she" for "he" or "girl" for "boy"...this song is exactly what happened to me. It is exactly how I feel. I couldn't write it better or express it better than how Everclear expressed it.

The video is attached as well so you can hear it if you would like.






Lyrics:

Father of mine
Tell me where have you been
You know I just closed my eyes
My whole world disappeared
Father of mine
Take me back to the day
When I was still your golden boy
Back before you went away

I remember blue skies
Walking the block
I loved it when you held me high
I loved to hear you talk
You would take me to the movie
You would take me to the beach
You would take me to a place inside
That is so hard to reach

Father of mine
Tell me where did you go
You had the world inside your hand
But you did not seem to know
Father of mine
Tell me what do you see
When you look back at your wasted life
And you dont see me

I was ten years old
Doing all that I could
It wasnt easy for me
To be a scared white boy
In a black neighborhood
Sometimes you would send me a birthday card
With a five dollar bill
I never understood you then
And I guess I never will

Daddy gave me a name
My dad he gave me a name
Then he walked away
Daddy gave me a name
Then he walked away
My daddy gave me a name

Daddy gave me a name
Daddy gave me a name
Then he walked away
Daddy gave me a name
Then he walked away
My daddy gave me a name

Father of mine
Tell me where have you been
I just closed my eyes
And the world disappeared
Father of mine
Tell me how do you sleep
With the children you abandoned
And the wife I saw you beat

I will never be safe
I will never be sane
I will always be weird inside
I will always be lame
Now Im a grown man
With a child of my own
And I swear Im not going to let her know
All the pain I have known

Then he walked away
Daddy gave me a name
Then he walked away
My dad gave me a name
Then he walked away
My daddy gave me a name
Then he walked away
My daddy gave me a name
Then he walked away
Then he walked away
Then he walked away

Looking for Holes

Let me start from the beginning...I've always wanted to sky dive since I was a child. I thought it would be exhilarating and beautiful and that I would gain a different perspective of the earth and life itself. I would never have been able to express that at a young age like I can now, but it was something that always attracted me.



I finally decided to just do it and found a place about an hour away. I talked with people there and realized that I wanted to do a tandem jump because you could jump from a higher altitude. I attended the tandem jump class and afterwards it started to rain. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to jump but the guys told me to not worry that it would only rain for a short time and we would go up.



They barbecued during the rain and I ate the best hot dog of my life. :)



The rain stopped and the sun started to poke through the clouds. The guys kept staring up at the sky "looking for holes", which were basically big holes in the clouds where it was clear enough to jump through.



The clouds dispersed and a huge hole appeared. They started the plane. The plane was very small and reminded me of a crop duster. People piled into the plane and I was in the back with the instructor. I didn't realize at the time that I was in the back because jumpers before me would be jumping at lower altitudes.



We went to about 3 or 4K altitude and they opened the door of the plane. That was a new experience! I had never been in a plane where they opened the door. The jumper at the front made the sign of the cross and jumped out.



We kept gaining altitude and they opened the door again. This jumper looked back and smiled and then crawled down to the wing of the plane. He hung onto the wing for a bit, smiled up at us and then let go with a wave.



After about two more jumpers it was my turn. We were 13,000 feet above the earth (the photo was taken at 12,800 feet - it's not my photo but one I found taken at this altitude). The door was open and I remember how cold the air was. It was much colder than on the ground. I looked out at the expanse of earth and sky and did not feel worried. If anything I felt very relaxed and very calm. For the first time of my life I think I felt at peace.



The instructor asked if I was ready and I said yes (it is very important to say "yes" or you won't get to jump). He was behind me and we rocked forward...then back...then forward and fell into the sky.



It was incredible. The earth and sky were beautiful. I felt like I was flying. I didn't feel a lurch in my stomach and I had no fear. We were falling at 180 mph and I had never felt more free in my life. I distinctly remember thinking to myself..."and you thought you were broken...you're not...you're whole".



It was a very memorable and spiritual experience. I no longer look up at the sky in the same way. I always look for the holes.

Pictures from Morocco

Wow, I haven't posted for a week! Things have been very busy lately and I don't even know where to begin.



I had mid-terms last week and got through them both with A's. I then had to start writing a first draft for my research paper and turned that in last night. I'm so happy to have it turned in finally. I never thought I would be able to complete it. Now I will have to make more tweaks to the paper and also wait for my professor to give some feedback to tweak it more. I just hope to finish this class with an A.



I have not had a chance AT ALL to read my favorite blogs and I will be doing that today. I can't wait! I've missed them all like old friends.



My husband is still in Morocco. The following are pictures either he or his brother e-mailed to me:





Standing in the Hassan Mosque





His brother at the mosque





With his grandparents





His Grandfather making Moroccan Mint Tea



I've talked with my husband several times and he is doing well. I can tell that it's been great for him to see his family and friends. It's been seven years since he saw them all! He says that he is ready to come back home. He won't be home until November 27.



I am curious what it will be like when he gets back home. He said that being back at home reminds him of why he left his country in the first place. He said that it has really made him think about a lot of things, which is a good thing. He said that when he gets back home he wants to concentrate more on his family and our health versus putting his work and art first. He has apologized many times for the way he has acted and that it will be different when he comes back home.



I hope that it will.



Between my daughter, work, homework, the house, clothes, etc, etc, a lot has been going on.



I really wish that I could go on vacation.

$2.99 Well Spent

I am very proud of myself today. Even though I went to bed late last night I was able to get up early this morning. My daughter is not here this weekend because she is down in Florida and it is her responsibility to feed the cats, so I immediately fed them (three cats named Tom, Shuga and Q-Tip. Tom and Q-Tip live indoors while Shuga prefers outside), fed HoneyBunny, our toy poodle, the three goldfish whose names I forget (well, except for one named "Junior"), and Frida, our blue and gold macaw.



While I'm thinking about it, I'll post some pictures of them all. I don't have a picture of Tom, Shuga or the goldfish saved on this laptop, but the rest are below.



Here is a picture of HoneyBunny. I have posted her picture before:







Below is a picture of Q-Tip when we first got him at three weeks old. He was found in the middle of the road and I discovered him at a local animal shelter. He fit in the palm of my hand back then.







The next picture is Q-Tip at approximately three months old.







The next pictures are Q-Tip now at a year and a half.











The next picture is Frida, our blue and gold macaw. She is my husband's daughter.







Speaking of husband's and daughters, here is my husband (with his Mom who he is currently visiting right now in Morocco) and my daughter (who would want you to know that she no longer wears glasses, but contacts...she is just so pleased about that).











And here is one of me and another of my daughter and me (my favorite picture of us together):









After feeding everyone I organized around the house, took out the trash, cleaned the kitchen, took a shower and drove to work. I worked until 5:00pm and I cannot believe how much I accomplished there. I feel very happy about it all. In the grand scheme of things the accomplishments amount to a half-grain of sand, but I'm happy nonetheless. That is the sad part of how debilitating depression can be. You get to a point that even brushing your teeth feels like a success at times and it feels pretty silly.



Tonight I am laying in bed with HoneyBunny at my side, a wonderful cup of tea, and a little purchase I made today for $2.99 that completely smells heavenly and divine. It's incense made in India by a company named Maroma. The scent I bought is patchouli and I feel so very relaxed as I breathe it in. It is simply delicious and I think everyone who reads this needs to make a purchase. You won't regret it.



An insert was inside the incense package that really got me interested in the Maroma company. The paper insert itself smells so strongly of the incense that I'm going to put it in my drawer where I store my nightwear. The following is a few tidbits written in the insert:

Their Description of the Stick Incense

Bamboo sticks hand rolled into sandalwood powder bound with a natural gum resin. The finished sticks are then dipped into our own fragrances which have been blended with essential oils.



Commitment to People and the Environment

Our head offices and manufacturing facilities are located in India which is one of the most beautiful but densely populated countries in the world. As a consequence, we are particularly sensitive to environmental issues and are dedicated to helping reduce the degradation of our planet's natural resources. We are equally dedicated to the dignity and the quality of life for our employees who are all adults (minimum age is 18 years old) and mostly women from the surrounding villages. We have always strictly adhered to the International Fair Trade principles even before these principles and practices were widely publicized. The ingredients used in the fabrication of our products are recyclable and abundantly present in nature or they are taken from renewable resources. We use a minimum of energy resources to produce our products. We control and recycle our waste, and for the packaging we always choose material with little impact on the environment.

It sounds like a great company. I wish that I could visit and take a tour and watch how they make their products.



Seriously, another dream I have is one day after my daughter gets older and finds her way in life, I want to pack my bags and live in a ashram in India for a year. I really hope to do that one day. Maybe when I do I will visit Maroma and help them make some incense sticks!

Too Much To Do In Too Little Time

I don't know what is wrong with me. I can barely breathe. I think that it's anxiety; however, I don't know what I'm anxious about. I'm at work right now taking a small break. It's 7:52pm and I'll be here for quite a while. I've been here since 9:00am and am exhausted.

Today I have experienced emotions such as sadness, fear, anger, and disgust. In order to try and figure out why I'm feeling this way I will dissect each emotion and why I feel it:

Sadness
I thought that I would be relieved when my husband went to Morocco. We definitely needed a break from each other to think things through. I thought at first it would be a nice break and then I would start missing him. What I didn't expect is that I am already missing him. I feel lost without him. Life doesn't have as much sense to it now. I never expected to have that reaction.

Fear
I am afraid that when he returns home things will go back to the hell it was and I don't want that to happen. I really want things to get better in every way. It basically boils down to wanting him to be happy.

Anger
Today I attended a luncheon provided by my contract company. It was quite nice to be there and the food was great. The owner of my contact company is a personal friend who I respect, admire and love. She is a great woman. I've known her a little over five years. She asked how my husband was doing and the discussion invariably went to his art. She loves art and has many amazing pieces displayed in her home. She asked how he was doing in his business and I told her that he is no longer focusing on "making the hotdogs". She thought that his hotdogs were his art! I explained (once again) that what he has designed in homes is merely craft and a way to make money. I reminded her about his fine art and though I didn't show it, I became angry. I wasn't angry with her.

So, why was I angry?

Because I am SICK and TIRED of explaining his fine art to people. People don't seem to get it or remember it. I have firmly believed since I met him that he will be in art history books one day. I have never wavered in this belief. You may equate my thinking to him making a lot of money. It was never about the money. Riches and fame are two different things and they don't always go hand-in-hand. Though we are in dire straits financially I really don't care about him making millions with his art. What I care about is that he one day receives the recognition he deserves.

Disgust
I am a sub-contractor working on a four year project. Many employees I work with are highly arrogant and love to backstab. I refuse to personally associate with many and maintain a very professional relationship. I am sickened at times to see how they interact with each other. It reminds me of five-year old boys squabbling in a sandbox over a toy truck. People here are either on the offense or defense. There is no middle ground. Today I watched someone strut into our area asking why people were talking with each other like he was the CEO. The ironic thing is that if you walk down to his area he is consistently surfing the net.

The company is quite unethical and sometimes charges the client with work they did for another project. They lie a lot. Today I have reached my limit and am thoroughly disgusted. I really want to get out of here because my respect for them has dwindled to nothing.

My dream job is working in California for Google. In the past I have looked at their available positions and I plan to do that again soon.

Ugh...I better get back to work. Too much to do in too little time. I'll be here tomorrow as well, but still...

I also have mid-terms to work on, an outline to write and turn in for my research paper, grocery shopping, washing clothes and cleaning around the house. I hope I can get through this weekend.

Birthday, Work, Mid-Terms and Exits

I have not had a chance to blog at all! My husband left for Morocco yesterday and we spent a lot of time together prior to him leaving. He won't be back for a month!

It was my birthday this past Monday. I'm 36 (wow...four years until 40!).

It's mid-terms this week at my university and I have to create an outline for my research paper. UGH.

I worked until 10:00pm tonight and I'll have to do it again tomorrow. I also work Saturday. Sunday I am finishing schoolwork.

So...when I have a few minutes like right now before sacking out to sleep, I read some blogs; however, I haven't had the time to post in my own. By the way, I have been reading DeathSweeper's blog. OMG he is a great writer and I just love his blog. Hop over there if you want to read some wonderful posts from a very special person.

I'll try to post before Sunday, but we'll see.

Monday I have the root canal...YAY! (I never thought I would jump up and down in excitement about a root canal.)

Tuesday I will be home late.

Thursday I will be home late.

Maybe Wednesday I can post?

If not, I'll be back in the blogging business next weekend (11/10/07) and can finally catch up with everything going on...it's been a flurry of activities!

I didn't know that I was addicted to blogging until I didn't have time to do it. Egad...is there a "Bloggers Anonymous" group I can join? :)