Thursday, July 23, 2009

Alone at the Beach

Still at the beach. I love Hilton Head Island, SC. It is very beautiful, not too touristy and the beach is so natural. High-rise buildings and tall signs/billboards are not allowed. All store signs must be low to the ground and in earth colors. We are staying in a condo on the beach and the dunes are gorgeous. So far we have seen deer, rabbits and other critters in between our condo and the beach living in the dunes and the beach itself is covered in sand dollars, small blue crabs scuttling around and starfish. Porpoises were frolicking in the surf as well as my favorite pelicans scooping the water hoping for a good catch. The weather has been truly amazing.

My best friend left to go back home with her family. It was a tight fit with everyone. Basically it was ten people in a place set up for six. There were so many children sleeping in the living room/kitchen area that you couldn't make coffee or even get to the sink in the morning until everyone woke up. My best friend got out of the psychiatric hospital this past Friday and seeing her here at the beach was wonderful. She is doing better now than she has in a long time. She commented last night while we floated in the pool that she feels more relaxed than she has in years. I'm very happy for her....and relieved. I'm worried that when she gets home she will become overwhelmed with reality and I won't be there to help her. I told her husband to remind her that there has been great progress and to take it one step at a time.

My husband is at home. Every day he says that he will drive out here, but has not. Every day there has been some type of phone drama with him and frankly I am tired. Last night I cried a lot and this afternoon I cried again because I couldn't get in touch with him and I was scared he ended it all. He's been talking about it for days, if not weeks, and when I called the neighbor who said that the car was there and he wouldn't answer the door, I just knew it was the end. I was frantic with worry and he finally called. His phone was in the bedroom vibrating while he was in the living room not hearing it. I just broke down in tears and told him that he frightened me. He promised to call if he was going to do it, though this doesn't set my mind at ease. I, of all people, know that a decision like that can be impulsively made and I don't put much stock into thinking he would pick up the phone first.

Since my friends left I was on the beach alone. My daughter is here with my nephew from France, his friend from France along with my best friends daughter who is my daughters friend. They bounced between the pool, beach and condo during the day while I hung out under an umbrella on the sand. My mind continually went through everything on my mind and it was difficult to think about much else. I looked around and noticed that not many people were by themselves at the beach. It felt quite lonely to see other families spending time together while my husband sits at home. I wonder if I am married sometimes.

I feel quite down tonight. I am in bed by myself while my husband is miles and miles away. This isn't how it is supposed to be.

5 comments:

John Finn said...

"How it is supposed to be" is the scourge with which I've whipped myself all my life long ... and I expect a lot of other people can say the same.

Aside of that, I don't have much in the way of "words of wisdom" - when you can't accept it, and you can't change it, all that's left to do is suffer through it.

Immi said...

"Supposed" is a dirty word. Toss it out of your vocabulary as useless and demeaning. Makes life a bit better to do that. I figured most of us can use that bit, eh?

I'm sorry you're feeling down, and your husband too. I hope he comes down.
Not impossible. Your hope for me worked and yesterday I started feeling better. :)
*big hugs*

Anonymous Drifter said...

I'm so sorry that things are so stressful right now, Chunks. It's hard to go through our own pain and also have to deal with the pain of a loved one's depression. You must be worried sick about your husband. My thoughts and prayers are with you and him. Hang in there. Better days WILL eventually come. (((big hug)))

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry that your burdens are so heavy right now. Is there a religious or spiritual figure that you can talk to(or whatever you're into)? Talking to them is free and you can unburden yourself until you get on your feet and can find help in the way of therapy or a good lawyer.

Hugs

Karen ^..^ said...

that has to be one of the most horrible feelings in the world, to worry about what he's doing when you are supposed to be relaxing. I don't know what to say... I'm so sorry he has put this on you, that is not at all fair. As for how it's supposed to be? Do yourself this one favor, and TRY to have fun, even for one hour, and enjoy your existence apart from him. You need it. Maybe this IS how it is supposed to be, at least for right now. You are a beautiful, intelligent, compassionate woman who deserves at least one hour of perfect peace and happiness in such a gorgeous place. Please take at least one hour to enjoy it.

I'm so so sorry, doll. I wish I could just go there and give you a big hug. Not that it would make it all ok, but everyone needs one from time to time.

I'm thinking of you.

 
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