Wednesday, August 5, 2009

The Numbness

I am at work this morning and sending this to my blog account via e-mail. I never get to my blog these days it seems. Most of the time I don't know what to write about. There are times that occur few and far between where I do want to write, but in those times I'm driving down the road or in a place where I don't have my computer. By the time I get to my computer I have nothing to say again.

I have nothing to say because I'm at a point in my life where I just feel numb. So much has gone on that it feels like information overload and my mind's defense mechanism is to blanket myself in numbness. It works in the moment, but it gets to the point where I can't feel any more. If I do have a bout of feeling, extreme sadness pervades my being and the numbness returns.

The good thing is that my work has not been affected. I've decided that I can't let it be affected any more. No matter what I have to drag myself in and really, when I get into work at least I can stop focusing on the pain of my personal life for a bit.

I don't know who I am physically when I look in the mirror; therefore, I don't look at the mirror much. I have gained so much weight it appears that I'm dragging another person around with me all of the time. The huge clothes I wear are getting tight and the pounds continue to swallow me whole. It has changed my entire face, profile and aura. I feel that the more stress occurring in my life, the more the weight sticks to me like a parasite. In a perverse way, I wish I could go on one of those reality shows like "Biggest Loser" to be able to escape to a place where I work on myself and have someone that only cares about my best interests. I obviously don't care about my best interests or I would change everything.

My sex life is nonexistent. The other night my husband did ask if I wanted to and though I did want to physically, I didn't want to with him. I feel so ugly with him and didn't want to feel like he was porking a beached whale. And yes, I just wrote that. This is how I feel. The way he looks at my body sometimes is downright demeaning. He is an artist and highly visual. I cannot even imagine what thoughts go through his mind when he looks at me like that. He feels that I'm obese. Yes, I am overweight quite a bit, but I'm not 300 pounds. To me, obese is when you are 300 pounds or more if you have my body type and height. There are other people where 300 is not obese, but they are just a proportionally big person.

I feel like I can't have sex with my husband any more. Even if I lose mounds of weight and he wants to be with my physically, I think I will just feel resentful. I have always wanted to have sex with him and it really is a turning point in my life to no longer want to be with him in that sense.

Last night drama ensued again with my husband about my daughter. He really cannot deal with teens. She has her issues as we all do, yet at the same time she's not terrible. In fact, she is quite good. There are times when her hormones run wild and she doesn't think before she acts and can be quite impulsive, but she's not rebellious or evil.

To make a long story short, he said for the umpteenth time that he couldn't deal with things regarding my daughter and was leaving. Two weeks ago he said that he didn't want me to have to choose between him and my daughter but that it looked like it was getting to that point. He has said many times in the past that he was going to leave, but always stayed. Last night was the first time where I felt something break inside of me when he said he was leaving and I know I can't go back.

People say that I have the patience of Job. I don't know if I have that much, but I know that I have a lot. It's great that I can be patient for years on end with someone, yet the other hand, when my patience finally leaves me, it's more like a snap, a sudden breaking of something inside, and that's it. I can't go back.
This time I can't go back.

A while after he said this last night he said that he wasn't going to leave and he wanted to work on things. I have heard this so many times and am tired. I told him that I didn't blame him and think that I am expecting for him to give something of himself that he can't and that it would be best for everyone if it was over. I told him that I wanted to sleep by myself because I'm the type of person where if it is over, it's over and I need to have clear lines drawn in the sand. He ended up falling asleep in the bed anyway.

He was asleep when I left for work. He may think that things are going back to the way they are, but they are not.

I'm done.


Laura said...

I'm so very sorry that this turmoil is going on. I can really sympathize with the weight issue, I have the exact same thing going on in my own life .. sex and all. If only we could feel good about ourselves. As for your husband wanting to leave, I wish I knew what to say. A person reaches a point where they're just too tired of continuing the merri-go-round. Is marriage counseling possible? Things are so tough for you right now .. just hang in there, things are bound to get better. *big hug*

Chunks of Reality said...

AD - He said that he will go to counseling and a hopefully he will when my medical insurance starts.

Isn't weight great? I always say that it's like comes and goes. I just hope that it goes very soon. :)


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