Friday, July 17, 2009

And So....

I found a job and started work this past Monday. I worked there two and a half years ago and it was the place where I ended up in the psychiatric hospital. It feels pretty surreal to be back there.

My nephew is here from France along with his friend. My house has been full of teens for two weeks. Sunday we go to the beach for a week. I can't wait. It's my parents timeshare and they gave us a week to go. I am very thankful to them for that.

This past week was spent in training. I go to the beach for a week, which isn't bad at all.

My marriage is a mess.

My husband is mentally ill.

I am fighting depression. It hasn't claimed me yet.

My husband isn't going to the beach with us. He wants to be alone. He says that what he's going through isn't my problem. I really don't know what to think.

Some days I feel we will be divorced soon.

Every day he tells me that he wants to kill himself.

I haven't been able to blog. I have a Facebook account and every once in a while post statuses. Other than that, the creative juice isn't flowing and so I am silent.

I was out of work for eight weeks. I am behind in my mortgage and car payment.

My best friend from high school tried to kill herself. She has four children and I helped out with them while she was in the hospital. She just got out today. She is going to the beach with us. I hope that it will help her.

I am a fat cow. I have gained more weight and now weigh 250. My husband doesn't want to have sex with me. He says that it has changed the sexual experience. Don't get me wrong...I realize I am ugly and fat. I wouldn't want to have sex with myself....but it still hurts my feelings and I still get horny and frustrated and feel even more ugly.

Enough of that....

I am trying to go forward in my life. I am trying to appreciate everything and have gratitude. I am trying to make my marriage work. I am trying to help my daughter navigate the murky waters of her late teenage years. I am trying to try.


linda said...

Catherine, you need to focus on yourself for a while. Just you. Your husband has to work through his own problems. It is not your responsibility. Your daughter will take all that you have given to her as a mother and she will make good use of it.

As for the sex. Well, honesty can be cruel and don't hold his comment against him (although, I hope it was worded carefully). Being overweight makes you feel unattractive, but it is what has caused the weight gain that is the root of a bigger problem. Emotional eating is a tough one to overcome.

It really is hard and I wish I could offer some sort of amazing advice that would propel you into a better place. But I cannot. Just know that I am wishing you all the very, very best and hope you get through this difficult time.

soulful sepulcher said...

You're doing an outstanding job navigating through really hard stuff. I appreciate your honesty about the weight and sex, no one writes about that. I lost a lot of weigh since getting rid of my bad marriage, about 70 lbs now.

Anonymous said...

Ah I've missed you too. Sorry things aren't good. I agree with Linda about taking time for yourself although I appreciate doing that is difficult in itself. Thinking of you and sending huge hugs for you. Take care xx

Laura said...

I'm glad you decided to post. I was thinking about you and wondering how you were doing. I'm glad you were able to get a job.

You have a helluva lot of stress going on in your life. Thanks for sharing about the weight and sex issues. So many of us go through that and no one seems to talk about it. I'm overweight too and it really knocks at my self-esteem. I'm so sorry about your husband's feeling. That must be so hard for you.

I'm glad you're getting away for a week at the beach. You definitely need a break.

I hope you continue to blog. I miss having you around. (((hugs)))

Immi said...

Congrats on getting a job. Bummer the rest isn't so good feeling. You're doing a great job to keep going through it all. Yes, you are, don't argue. :) Surviving is enough sometimes. *hugs*

hannityjane said...

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and you are trying to be there for a lot of people. Remember to try and take some time for yourself too - even if it is a for a short walk each morning on the beach. I am convinced that the fresh ocean air can give a new perspective and strength to any person. I won't solve the problems but it has always inspired to me keep on going.

p.s I came to visit from Anonymous Drifter.....

la said...

Hey Catherine, good news about the job, congrats. Hope your week at the beach gives you some breathing space. Take care hun xx

Karen ^..^ said...

I'm so sorry you are going through this. What Linda said was brilliant, and you SHOULD focus on you. All around you people are falling apart, and yet you still get up every day, and make it through. You make it through very well. I'm proud of you. When you focus on you, you will start to feel better about yourself and start to take care of YOU. Don't let anyone ever make you feel the way you are feeling right now. Hurtful comments HURT, but don't take it as gospel. You are a beautiful, worthy woman, and others have their own problems. They do not need to become YOUR problems. I'm so sorry you are going through all of this.

Anonymous said...

Congratulations on the good things. I am sorry about the bad things. Maybe when things calm you can obtain power of attorney(or whatever its called where you are) and force him into treatment. Sounds harsh but there it is.

You are so sweet and helpful. You are neither ugly nor fat-you've merely gained weight. Maybe tell the hubby you're not attracted to him because of his crappy me,me,me attitude. (Sorry feeling b*tchy)

You're going to do fine you're going to go far. Teenage have my every sympathy.

But as for the husband...hurtful words harm. Try to ignore him, urge him to get help, help him without his consent, or give him a dose of his sarcastic meds. You'll catch up on the bills. Hold on sweetie.

There are always roommate ads to help you with the bills and rent.


Anonymous said...

Congrats on the new job, I hope it goes well...

I guess you need to put yourself first for a while as well as being there for your husband at the same time. He’s depressed so he’s probably not particularly feeling in the mood for sex at the moment, please don’t take to heart things he says...

Chunks of Reality said...

Linda - I am trying my best to focus on myself. It is quite difficult, but I am trying.

He didn't word his comment very carefully. I do remember the words, "very obese".

I feel I sicken him and I sicken myself. The funny thing is that I am not an emotional eater. I don't eat a lot. As soon as I get health insurance September 1 I will be visiting my GP to get a full exam. I wonder if something is wrong with my thyroid or something else. I am tired of being overweight.

Love ya and miss ya! *hugs*

Chunks of Reality said...

Stephany - Congrats on losing weight! I wish I could lose that, if not more! It would be interesting if my husband and I didn't make it and the fat melted off like butter. LOL

I hope that you are doing well. *hugs*

Chunks of Reality said...

Emma - Thanks so very much. *hugs*. I hope that you are doing well.

AD - Yes, the weight does "knock" at my self-esteem. Good analogy. It fits well. I want to write more about the sexual problems my husband I go through but haven't felt comfortable. I think I will start though. It feels good to get it out.

I hope that you are doing well. *hugs* Thanks so much for your comment.

Chunks of Reality said...

Immi - You know me well. I was about to argue. LOL :) Thank you for reminding me of that. I needed it. *hugs*

Hannityjane - Thank you so much for your visit. It means a lot. Thanks as well for your kind words. I have been walking the beach and things would be better if I haven't talked to my husband who has upset me every day in some way. He doesn't mean to do it and isn't intentional about it, but it happens just the same. I'll visit your blog tonight. I hope that you'll visit again soon.

Chunks of Reality said...

Thank you, dear La!! I hope that you are doing well. Will be visiting tonight. *hugs*

Chunks of Reality said...

Karen - Thank you so much for your wonderful comments and support. You are such a dear.

It's ironic that you said what you did because I just told my husband the other day that no matter what has been going on, that I've been able to get up and go every day and try to make it. I have not let the depression dig its' claws into my back and lay me out in the bed. I have fought it and though I don't feel I conquered it completely, at least I don't feel that it has conquered me.

I'm not going to let my husband and his moods conquer me, either. I will prevail. I have to.

*hugs* Thanks so much again.

Chunks of Reality said...

I - Thanks so much for visiting. I wish that I knew who you are. :) I clicked on your name but you have a private profile.

Thank you for your kind words as well. It means a lot. I have lately thought about my husband's "me me me" attitude you referred to and it's making me quite frustrated. It's been that way for far too long.

Yes, I am tired.

I will get through it, though. One way or the other.

Thank you so much again and I hope to see you again.

Chunks of Reality said...

Alison - Thank you for your comments. I try not to take to heart what he says. It's quite difficult though. It's difficult because he looks at porn. I don't even blog about it but I hope to soon. It's just too hurtful to talk about, but I'm going to try in the near future.

If he was completely off sex and didn't masturbate, I would totally understand and think that he wasn't in the mood when the fact of the matter is that he just isn't that into me.

*hugs* Thank you. :)

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