I am a Rabbit

Right now I am crunching spinach leaves. This week I've revamped what I eat and now eat the following each day:

• 2 cups of raw spinach
• 1 cup of raw carrots
• 1 cup of raw cucumbers
• 1 cup of raw green peppers
• 1 cup of raw tomatoes
• 1 cup of raw soybeans
• 1 cup of some other bean like garbanzo, black bean, kidney bean, etc.
• 1 cup of fish (salmon or tuna)
• 1 or 2 hard boiled eggs
• 1 apple
• 1 pear
• 2 cups of green tea
• A lot of water

I love vegetables. Don't need to add vegetable oils or dressings because they taste great by themselves.
The only bad thing I've had each day is one iced coffee from Starbucks. I want to stop doing that soon. It's just my one indulgence right now.

My body has been revolting with the change. It always does at first. I'm sure it will go back to normal soon.
What I wouldn't give for some pasta and bread though. I'm not a chocolate/potato chip snacker. My downfall is bread and pasta. I love milk as well, but am not drinking that either right now.

I checked and it's 1105 calories a day. I thought it would be less for some reason. I didn't realize how many calories garbanzo beans have and won't be eating those anymore.

I'm crunching a carrot while asking myself why it has to be so difficult. I also ask myself if it's worth it. I weighed myself Monday and was 253 pounds. I will weigh again next Monday to see if I've lost anything. I really want to weigh myself now but realize it wouldn't be a good idea. The only reason why I want to weigh is to experience instant gratification because right now this is so difficult. At the same time, if I do jump on the scales and don't see progress I'll want to rip my hair out and scream in frustration, so I'll just wait.

I think someone has a blog called, "Wait to Weight" or something like that. I completely understand what they mean now.

Junior Pics

Here is my girly...I love her so very much!

Horny as Hell

I go from being completely depressed to completely horny. I haven't had sex in over four months now!

I am sitting here at work and can hardly stay sitting in my chair because I want to fuck so badly. I apologize for being so rude, it's just that "fuck" is the most applicable word. I don't want to "make love" or even "have sex". It's such a primal urge that I'm feeling and it's terrible!!

My husband now says that he wants to have sex, but I don't want to. I think that is a pretty safe thing for him to say now since I don't want to with him. Who would want to have sex with someone who considers you fat, obese and horrible? Well, he never said "horrible" or "fat", but he DID say "obese" and that it "changes the sexual experience".

That's a real turn-on.

That really puts me in the mood.

I can imagine the whole time we're doing it I'll be thinking terrible things about myself in my mind and imagining what he's thinking the entire time.

It is torture to think about.

So, I don't want sex with him.

But I do want sex....NOW.

I am really angry with him. Very angry. I don't think I've said that before. It's gotten to the point that when he talks I think the word, "asshole" in my mind. It's just second nature now.

We really need to go to a counselor, but we haven't yet because I've been taking my daughter to counseling and it cost $45 a pop and she's going once a week for right now. After her appointments lessen in number over time, we'll start going.

If we're still together by then....UGH.

Sing Me to Sleep

I'm tired and I want to go to bed....
Don't try to wake me in the morning cause I will be gone.
Don't feel bad for me.....
I want you to know...
Deep in the cell of my heart I really want to go.

This song from the Smiths keeps echoing through my brain.

I just want to go to bed and never wake up.

I realize this is the depression digging deeper roots. It really doesn't want to let me go. At least someone (thing?) likes me, I guess.

I am at work. Haven't missed any time. I am trying to manage. Don't want to repeat this vicious cycle.

I am a hamster in the wheel of depression....and a fat one at that.

At an Impasse

I bought another pack of cigarettes even though I threw away the other pack I had last week. I've had a few of them and am sick of smoking them. I hate the smell of them, hate the way I smell after smoking them and while smoking them wonder what the hell I'm doing. I just had a cigarette at lunch and am back at my desk wanting to throw the pack away. Why do I keep doing this? I guess it boils down to cravings and felt I had to have a cigarette and bought a pack. I just realized while typing this. I lack discipline. This is why it's good to blog. You sometimes realize things about yourself while seeing it typed out or visitors to your blog realize it for you.

I wasn't hungry today at all and got lunch anyway. I had a salad because I thought I would probably get hungry by the afternoon and then would be stuck. I should have not eaten a darn thing. Now I am so full I feel sick and once again realize that I lack discipline.

I am getting bigger and bigger and bigger. My clothes are restricting while I refuse to buy larger ones. I look like a whale shark. I feel like a stuffed pig. Just give me an apple to stick in my mouth and call it a day. It will suit my physique just perfectly.

Two days ago I mowed the front and back yard. My muscles are still complaining from it. This morning I could hardly get out of bed and walk because my muscles were screaming with pain. That is how out of shape I am....I can't even cut the grass.

My knees hurt while walking and I get out of breath. I am getting hot all of the time because of the stores of fat all over my body. I feel like I breathe heavily while sitting because my lungs don't have enough room to expand with all the fat cells squashing them down. Even my eyelids are fat.

While typing this I got a granola bar out and am munching it. I'm full! I don't need it! But yet I do. The more I talk about my weight the more I want to eat. I just want to eat until I'm so full I pop and this shit is finally over.

It's funny really because I normally don't eat a lot at all. I'm not one of those comfort food eaters. I don't eat candies, chips or cookies. I don't eat granola bars. It's just lately I am so focused on my weight that I feel like an alien to myself and for some reason want to eat. It reminds me of my days of bulimia. When I was a teenager I would eat loads of food and vomit it up so that I could eat more. I would eat 10 bowls of cereal, throw up and eat 10 more, throw up, eat 10 more, etc. until all of the cereal in the house would be gone. I was skinny then. The only difference now is that I'm not making myself throw up. I want to, but I don't let myself get into the cycle because it was so difficult to stop before. Yet, I am sorta in that cycle, really.

I am going to weigh myself. It's been a while. There are scales in the building. Be right back....

I am back, huffing, puffing and wheezing because I actually walked. Went to the scales and found that I'm 253.2 pounds, which is 114.9 kilos or 18.09 stone for the Brits out there. The scales are located beside the vending machines and I stopped and purchased some peanut M&M's and a peanut butter Moon Pie. I never eat that shit, but today I will. Why not? I thought I was 260, and I'm actually seven pounds less than that, so by all means I need to eat! Even though I feel like I could vomit, I'm going to pack this shit in anyway.

Wow, while typing I'm getting really angry. Curious. I usually don't get angry. I am the depressed, emo type who just cries. Not now...I could smack the shit out of something at the moment.

You know, at least it's food I guess. If I was a drug user, I think tonight you would find me a lot like DJ AM who just died with 8 OxyContin not even all the way dissolved in his stomach, the ninth one still in his mouth, not even swallowed, laying on a bag of weed with a crack pipe beside him. At least he was skinny. Maybe I need to switch to drugs. What would my drug of choice be? I hate feeling out of control of my body, so which one would it be...hmmmm....

This peanut butter Moon Pie tastes like shit, but I'm going to eat it anyway. I should wash it down with a Mountain Dew or milkshake if I had one.

OK, just finished the Moon Pie and on to the M&M's! I'm not a big chocolate eater. I like dark chocolate, but don't eat a lot of it. M&M's I only eat them if going to the movies.

What the fuck am I doing?

Now the wimp is coming back and I want to cry. I'm no longer angry. I am lost. I don't know who I am. I am barely chewing the M&M's...just swallowing them to get it over with. I want to go to bed. I don't want to go to bed. I want to die. I don't want to die. I want to be a thousand pounds and not be able to get out of my house without a forklift breaking down a wall and getting me. I want to be skinny.

I want and want and want and want while increasingly becoming more empty inside. Nothing can fill this emotional chasm.