Monday, August 17, 2009

It's All About Him

I am sitting at work in my cube about to cry. I am trying to work, but cannot get out of my mind how upset I am becoming with my husband. I am hoping that I will feel better after writing this and can go on with my day.

I am getting to the point in our relationship where I don't even like him much anymore as a person. I wish I could tell him this, but I can't, just like I can't tell him a lot of things because he will go off on some long tangent of how he feels and completely miss the point of how I feel.

He is not respectful to me. He can be picking on me and hurt me physically and I tell him to stop and he won't. Then he makes fun of me for it hurting and says that I am making a big deal out of nothing. He loves to push people's buttons. Well, I say people, but I am meaning my daughter and me. Just yesterday she was playing solitaire and he went to her, took the cards and started flipping them everywhere. She told him to stop and he wouldn't and she got highly irritated. Then he got after her for being upset and acted like it was her problem.

He is like a little boy looking around for a problem and then complaining when people don't like what he's doing.

He will drape his legs and feet all over me in bed and I don't like it and tell him to stop because he makes me feel like he's using me and he's heavy but if we are on the couch and I drape one toe on him he tells me to stop. I stopped wanting him to drape himself all over me after he didn't want me to touch him. This has been something that has been happening over a very long period of time and I am at the point that I don't even want him to touch me.

Yet at the same time, I wish he would do things like hold my hand or show affection. He rarely does this. If I go to him and hold his hand, he takes it away after a small amount of time if not right away. If I hug him, he pats my back like I am a child or picks on me and makes fun of me for wanting a hug. He can never just give hugs because I need one.

In fact, he doesn't seem to want to give any of himself.

My 20th high school reunion is coming up. I didn't go to the 10th year because I wasn't interested. This year I am interested and want to go more because this is an American thing that people do, kinda like prom, and I want to try it out. I asked my husband if he wanted to go and he said no. Remember that he is Moroccan. I understand that he doesn't understand the traditions here. He wasn't raised here. I get it. But once again, what he wants to do is more important than what I want to do. Or so it seems to me.

He complained that I never hang out with these people anyway, so what is the point. He then went on to say that no one in this area provides any intellectual stimulation for him and he doesn't want to waste his time with anyone. I have some best friends from high school. They have some problems, as all people in life do, and he doesn't want anything to do with them. He complained that they have nothing to give him and I asked him why does a person have to give him anything? In reality, they aren't the most educated, but they do know a lot, and they are caring people just trying to make it in this world and they do care about us. It is fun to hang out with them and I care about them a lot. I love their children as well. They would give us their last dollar if they thought we needed it. That isn't enough for my husband. They have to provide intellectual and cultural stimulation for him AND have no issues at all. Basically, they need to be better than my husband so that he can look up to them and feel that he is learning something from them in order to feel that he should "waste" his time with them.

It makes me sick.

No one is good enough for him. I really don't understand why he married me. I am no intellectual or cultural giant for him and I'm fat. So, what did he find so compelling with me?

I cried when he said that he wasn't going to the reunion and told him that I would feel embarrassed if he didn't go and he said that "everything is so emotional with me" and that he is tired of it. He said that we just need to coexist. What the fuck? I feel that we coexist anyway, but I ask myself if we are married or not.

What is the damn point? I can coexist with a roommate and have more fun and less stress, if he really wants to know.

We never do anything with each other anymore and that includes things I do with my daughter. He stays home. If I go out with my friends, he stays home. When he and I go out, which is rare, it always ends in a fight or some emotional drama. I don't even want to go out with him anymore. If I go anywhere with others, he goes somewhere else or stays home. It's like we have different lives.

We still haven't had sex. He says that it's me now because he would like to. But I ask you, would you like to have sex with someone who considers you to be obese? Wouldn't you feel embarrassed the entire time you share that intimate moment? Wouldn't you worry what he was thinking about?

After he said that I was too emotional about the reunion, he then leaned over and whispered in my ear that he was sorry and he would go to the reunion with me. He said that he needs to learn to give me what I need.
The fact of the matter is that I have questioned myself on what needs he fulfills, and really I can honestly say none. I asked him the same thing and he said that he knows that he doesn't fulfill my needs. I asked him if I fulfill his or name needs that I don't fulfill and he said that I fulfill all of them. Do you know why I do? Because I fucking work at it. I do things that I don't want to do sometimes to fulfill his needs. That is fucking life. I wish he would get it sometimes.

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