Wednesday, May 19, 2010

I Am That Person

I can't believe how I don't blog any more. I really need to get back into it. It's just I am sick and tired of talking about how sick and tired I am. Do you ever get to a point where you don't want to complain? I am there and have been there for a while.

In my everyday world I don't complain. I am that person you see walking down the hall at work who nods and smiles at you. I am that person in the grocery store who smiles if eye contact is established. I am that person who doesn't talk about her personal life. I am that person who even my friends don't know what's going on or how I am feeling. I am that person who is there for her family and friends but don't know how to be there for myself. I am that person who always asks how you are doing when you ask how am I doing.

This blog is the only place where I can really say how I feel. Unfortunately, because I do not express how I feel to people who actually know me, I feel free to express how I really feel here in this blog and what comes out like rusty water from a gushing faucet? My shit, my woes, my anger, my depression, my dissatisfaction and you, reader, have to subject yourself to it if you decide to read.

I feel that it's a disservice to you. I don't want to do that to you. Even though I don't personally know you, the blogging world makes you feel like you do and I find myself wanting to be that person in the grocery store giving a warm smile instead of showing my sadness.

I have thought about turning off the option for readers to comment. I feel awful when I don't reply to all comments. I feel like I am using my readers for self-gratification. On the other hand, you have all helped me so very much. More than family and friends because you know what's going on. So, what to do?

I haven't had time to even visit all of your blogs either and that is another reason to feel guilty.

So, I've stayed away from the blogging community.

Do you have any advice? Should I turn off the comments? Should I feel guilty? Should I continue to blog? If I do, how do I stop feeling guilty for complaining so much?

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