The Child Within

Today at work I was outside having a cigarette and it was absolutely freezing. Needless to say, I wasn't out there for very long. I need to quit smoking soon and have decided to quit by 2012. I quit for two years and started back the day my daughter moved out. I am almost ready to quit again.

While outside there were two men huddled together talking sports trying to amass body warmth between the two in the best way they could. One of the men I see from time to time I always look twice at because he reminds me of my biological father. While they chatted about games they watched the night before I wondered to myself what my biological father talks about during his breaks at work. It got me very curious, which is normal when I think of him.

I haven't seen him for two years. The last time I saw him was at a gathering that I did not expect to see him at. He completely ignored me and acted like I didn't exist. This is normal behavior from him yet it hurt a lot. What is ironic is that he talked to my husband. He had never met him before and was curious about him, I guess, and I found them in the kitchen chatting. I almost lost my mind. I could not believe he talked to him but not me, his only daughter. My husband is Arabic and he was telling him how he had learned some Arabic while living in the Middle East years ago. What he did not tell my husband is that the reason why he was living there was because a judge had told him he had to pay child support and instead of paying he ran away overseas. What a long haul to escape child support.

I have never understood him. I remember being a child and having very rare moments when he could be the charmer and make me feel like the only person who existed in the world. He never had much to do with me. In my 20's I called him trying to get to know him as an adult and he actually asked me why I wanted to be his friend. I was dumbfounded to say the least. That was the last real conversation I had with him. In that conversation he also told me that he understood why I wanted to see him because he kept in touch with his parents to see what he would look like as he aged. Once again, I was dumbfounded. I asked to meet him for lunch. He was not interested as usual.

I am his only child. I think that is a huge regret for him. I recently heard from a great aunt he never wanted children and was angry with my Mom when she got pregnant. He was never in my life, really, except for those few rare moments of joy and a lifetime of pain.

I just turned 40 this past October. I do not know why, but I want to reach out to him one more time to see if I can finally get to know him. My husband and Mom tell me not to because it will be disastrous and I will only be hurt again. I am afraid he will die one day and he will take to the grave the reason why he was never in my life. Even at 40 I blame myself. I realize on a logical level that it is irrational to feel this way; yet, I cannot help it. The child within continues to grieve.

Will I feel this way on my deathbed?

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

I haven't posted IN AGES! I'm happy to say that I haven't been in bed this whole time with the dog of depression biting my ass. Things have been very busy with the Master's program at school, a lot of projects to complete at work and I started volunteering at a juvenile prison. I like to think of it as a teen rehabilitation center versus a prison. They have a mentoring program and I am currently mentoring three juveniles (all boys ages 16 to 17). I go after work for two hours on Wednesdays and then four hours on Saturday afternoons. It has been highly satisfying to work with these boys and greatly enjoyable.

I wanted to wish everyone a very happy Thanksgiving! I hope that you all have a wonderful weekend and spend cherished time with your family and friends. We will be going to my parents house Thursday and then I have to work on writing a paper that is due this week (what is the professor thinking??).

So far I've lost 105 pounds and wanted to post before, during and after pics below. The last picture was taken a week or so ago.

I promise to start blogging soon. I am very thankful for each and every one of you and hope that you are all doing well! *hugs*

I am so sad

I miss my daughter so much. She went to the prom tonight. She is so beautiful. She has no clue how hurt I am and doesn't need to at this point. She cannot fathom the pain. She is so much into her social life and friends, which is quite typical for her age, but she's gone now and there is nothing I can do.

I am out of the looney bin and have been back to work for about three weeks. So far I've lost a total of 72 pounds since last year and work out at the gym almost daily. I've gone from a size 24 in clothes and am now in between a 14 and 16. 16 is a tad large while I can put on 14 but it's a tad tight. Not a bad predicament to be in.

My Hell is the fact that I've experienced empty nest at a rate of zero to 160. It has been a year and 11 days since she moved out. I am doing better yet at times almost fall apart like now. I didn't experience her senior year with her, go shopping for prom dresses with her and won't see her walk across the stage to get her diploma at graduation. She is leaving for England with her dad in a week and won't be attending graduation.

My counselor said I am grieving. It's strange to think that because she's still alive. The other night I saw a picture of her and realized I have a daughter and was shocked. She looked so foreign to me. That is when I discovered how I have been compartmentalizing my feelings in order to just survive. At times I am OK, sometimes I am actually good and other times I fall to pieces and cannot regulate the emotions.

I miss her. I am angry and resentful with her. I feel I miserably failed as a mother. I deeply love her.

Back in the Cuckoo's Nest

I'm back in the hospital on an outpatient basis. I've been there for two weeks and three weeks prior to that was in bed either asleep or when awake planning how I would die. I go Mondays to Fridays from 8:30am to 3:00pm and am finally starting to climb back out of the hole. I meet with a psychiatrist three times a week, have group sessions every day, meet with a nutritionist once a week, have had a lot of blood work done and meet with an individual counselor once to twice a week. Group sessions consist of a lot of classes to teach you skills on how to regulate emotions, be more educated about your diagnosis and how to process your life effectively.

In the past I've been to counselors once a week for an hour at a time. Doing what I'm doing now is like having eight therapy sessions in one day, so it's been some major power counseling. It was either that or end the pain and I decided that this would be my last thing to try and if it didn't work that was it.

I stopped taking meds about three months ago. I am now back on them again and am afraid that I will be on meds for life. My psychiatrist has been trying different combinations to help things out and finally I'm starting to see that the sun does shine sometimes.

I've had to take FMLA (medical leave of absence) from work and yes I'm stressing financially, but hasn't that been the cycle and I'm ready to break it. I was hospitalized five years ago at the same cuckoo's nest and I think I'm getting more out of it this time. I don't know if it's my age (I'll be 40 this year) or the program is better or I'm more receptive to it all or what, but I've been taking A LOT of notes, have received and scribbled on A LOT of handouts and I think when I get out of the hospital I'm going to start blogging again what I learned in the hospital to keep it fresh in my head.

I also want to change my blog a bit and will be thinking about this as well in the near future once I'm out for good.

I'm not sure if I previously stated that I finally graduated in December with my Bachelor's degree in Computer Information Systems. I did maintain the 4.0 GPA though I know it really doesn't matter because it's not like anyone will ever ask that question. It's just something I worked hard for and here is a place that I can talk about it.

I started the MBA program but have had to put it on hiatus at the moment but plan to start again as soon as I am discharged and am back at work.

Thank you all for the support and reading my crap. :) You mean more than you know.

A Lot of Silence

I haven't blogged here in forever. I've just had nothing to say. You get to a point where you have so much bad news you are tired of thinking about it, much less talking or blogging about it. Instead of calling this blog  "Chunks of Reality", I should call it "A Whole Lotta Complaining" because that is all I do, it seems.

OK, this is the first attempt to get back into the blogging world. I don't want to complain, so will end my post now. :)

Take care, everyone! I've missed ya.