Saturday, May 21, 2011

I am so sad

I miss my daughter so much. She went to the prom tonight. She is so beautiful. She has no clue how hurt I am and doesn't need to at this point. She cannot fathom the pain. She is so much into her social life and friends, which is quite typical for her age, but she's gone now and there is nothing I can do.

I am out of the looney bin and have been back to work for about three weeks. So far I've lost a total of 72 pounds since last year and work out at the gym almost daily. I've gone from a size 24 in clothes and am now in between a 14 and 16. 16 is a tad large while I can put on 14 but it's a tad tight. Not a bad predicament to be in.

My Hell is the fact that I've experienced empty nest at a rate of zero to 160. It has been a year and 11 days since she moved out. I am doing better yet at times almost fall apart like now. I didn't experience her senior year with her, go shopping for prom dresses with her and won't see her walk across the stage to get her diploma at graduation. She is leaving for England with her dad in a week and won't be attending graduation.

My counselor said I am grieving. It's strange to think that because she's still alive. The other night I saw a picture of her and realized I have a daughter and was shocked. She looked so foreign to me. That is when I discovered how I have been compartmentalizing my feelings in order to just survive. At times I am OK, sometimes I am actually good and other times I fall to pieces and cannot regulate the emotions.

I miss her. I am angry and resentful with her. I feel I miserably failed as a mother. I deeply love her.


linda said...

Why do you think you have failed? The fact that she is becoming her own person and breaking away from you actually is a good and natural progress. It means she is a brave girl with an independent mind. She will come back to you when she is ready.

But I can really understand that you would also be resentful. Because I would be too. I would think my son to be an ungrateful and thoughtless shit - the reality being that he is a typical teenager.

He and I used to always hang out together and now he hangs out with Xbox and his friends and I felt lonely. I understand the grieving because it is a loss for you.

Being a parent comes with all sorts of big emotions and not all of them are good. But you love her and she knows that. That knowledge will be with her always.

Take care CB


debadee said...

You shouldn't be sad. Try to think of all the good times you've had with her and try to get as strong as you can, take your time and then look forward to good times and shared smiles with her that are all to come.

Unknown said...

You really haven't failed as a mother. Life with girls is complicated at the best of times. Life with girls and mothers is a minefield. Unfortunately, when you get the daughter, you don't get a manual of how to work them! And because all relationships are different, that manual can never be written. we all just muddle along and hope for the best. Your daughter sounds like she is a credit to you.
Trust yourself and let yourself get well. Your daughter and you will come together again in time and in the meantime, let yourself off the hook. x

Karen ^..^ said...

I think I can honestly say I know exactly what you are going through right now. I feel the same exact way about my daughter. She moved in with her father a year and a half ago, and I'm bereft.

I miss her terribly, and it doesn't help that her father and step-mother have cut me completely out of her life, other than my meager every other half weekend.

Yesterday was her birthday. I was removed from her friends list on facebook, but can still see some posts that are open to "friends of friends". In one of these posts she referred to her step mother as "her mom". I cannot tell you how horrible that made me feel. She tried to instruct me to introduce myself (to her boyfriend's mother) as her "biological mother". I was never so offended and hurt in my life. And now to see that she's referring to her step mother as her "mom"? This was the daughter I loved and raised for 13 years, 11 of those years alone with no help. The last year and a half has been horrifying. Going to court and losing more and more time with her. I don't understand this. But parental alienation is an insidious disease, and being that she's "older", the courts listen to her. she's alienated, and doesn't want to be around me. I know what you mean about seeing the pictures. It's quite a nasty jolt, when you're feeling low and you see the pictures. Makes me want to put them all away.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your sadness. How brave and generous. No one can say ...don't feel sad. It hurts like hell. It feels like hell.

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