Friday, September 25, 2009

Horny as Hell

I go from being completely depressed to completely horny. I haven't had sex in over four months now!
I am sitting here at work and can hardly stay sitting in my chair because I want to fuck so badly. I apologize for being so rude, it's just that "fuck" is the most applicable word. I don't want to "make love" or even "have sex". It's such a primal urge that I'm feeling and it's terrible!!
My husband now says that he wants to have sex, but I don't want to. I think that is a pretty safe thing for him to say now since I don't want to with him. Who would want to have sex with someone who considers you fat, obese and horrible? Well, he never said "horrible" or "fat", but he DID say "obese" and that it "changes the sexual experience".
That's a real turn-on.
That really puts me in the mood.
I can imagine the whole time we're doing it I'll be thinking terrible things about myself in my mind and imagining what he's thinking the entire time.
It is torture to think about.
So, I don't want sex with him.
But I do want sex....NOW.
I am really angry with him. Very angry. I don't think I've said that before. It's gotten to the point that when he talks I think the word, "asshole" in my mind. It's just second nature now.
We really need to go to a counselor, but we haven't yet because I've been taking my daughter to counseling and it cost $45 a pop and she's going once a week for right now. After her appointments lessen in number over time, we'll start going.
If we're still together by then....UGH.

Sing Me to Sleep

I'm tired and I want to go to bed....
Don't try to wake me in the morning cause I will be gone.
Don't feel bad for me.....
I want you to know...
Deep in the cell of my heart I really want to go.

This song from the Smiths keeps echoing through my brain.

I just want to go to bed and never wake up.

I realize this is the depression digging deeper roots. It really doesn't want to let me go. At least someone (thing?) likes me, I guess.

I am at work. Haven't missed any time. I am trying to manage. Don't want to repeat this vicious cycle.

I am a hamster in the wheel of depression....and a fat one at that.

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