February Can't Get Here Fast Enough

I'm trying something new today. I'm not posting directly to my blog...I am actually sending it via e-mail. I don't know if it will work and I won't know until tonight when I get home and can check it.

I am very depressed today. I am at work on my lunch break. I just received a call from a creditor. How did they get my work number? I haven't given anyone my work number except for family and friends. I am sitting here eating my sandwich and am reflecting on my life.

I have worked so hard for the past 18 years of my life for what?

To have creditors calling my work demanding money? I have always been able to pay my bills until going into the hospital. Losing my job didn't help either. Prior to the hospital my credit score was 782! Now it's somewhere around 450 - 480.

I appreciate the kind posts from visitors saying to not file bankruptcy. The reality is that I don't have any choice. I've talked with quite a few financial advisors and they all say the same thing. The bankruptcy attorney that I met also said the same thing - I need to do it.

At home I keep my ringer off of my telephone or just unplug it. I can't stand the constant ringing of collectors. Today the creditor said that I need to pay something or "further action will be taken". What does this mean? What can they do? It's embarrassing and scary...and I don't know what to do.

I want to pay everything I owe. I truly do. I can't, though. I am a failure. I'm not saying that for any response. I'm not fishing for people to say "no, you're not!". I am merely stating fact. A failure is called at work by a creditor demanding money. A failure can't pay their bills. A failure can't even afford to pay a bankruptcy lawyer to start bankruptcy proceedings! I wish that I could start it now. I have to wait for tax refund time in February. I don't know if I can wait that long. The pressure is too great.

I am tired. Yesterday after work I went home and cleaned the bathrooms and dusted everywhere, vacuumed, washed and put away five loads of laundry, made dinner (fish and potatoes...it was shockingly good), did dishes, did homework, checked a few blogs, posted a small comment in my blog and went to bed.

My husband and I aren't speaking. I never see him anymore anyway because he is working so much and when we do see each other we can only last about five minutes before a fight breaks out.
I want to cry. It takes everything to not cry.

When will this all end? Why have things gotten to this point? Will it ever get better?

I just can't stand it right now...

So Much to Say that I am Quiet

I haven't had any time to get online. I've missed blogging...A LOT! I can tell even more now when I haven't had a chance to do it that it's been very therapeutic for me.

From work I can check my e-mail and I see that people have been posting comments to my blog and I thank you all. It's wonderful to read them at work and gives me a smile at random times. New visitors have been posting comments and I thank you, too!

This weekend (Friday) I will have a chance to not only compose myself, but also compose a new entry for my blog. I am also going to visit the new visitor's blog as well.

Until then, take care!

What Would You Do?

I have a bit of a conundrum...and I am curious what others would do...

My husband's brother lives in the center of Paris. He has lived there for years and has been quite successful. He is 12 years older than my husband and has a 17-year old son named Ben who visits us in the States for two weeks each summer.

His brother is very nice and we get along great. He is married to a French woman who I don't really know and am not very impressed with. I don't want to judge because I've only been around her once during a week-long vacation they took here with us years ago. She is very quiet and aloof and has an arrogant air. She never looked happy and wasn't very social. I thought that it may be she was shy; however, I also noticed that she didn't even talk to Ben. In fact, every time she looked at Ben, which was rare, she would look at him with disdain. I didn't like that. Ben is not one of those teenagers that drive you crazy. He is highly intelligent and mature and anyone would be blessed to have him as a son. I have begged him to live here with us as an exchange student for a year because he is just that good!

My husband's brother has been over to visit us several times. The last time it was without his wife and he looked more peaceful and at ease. He has been urging us to visit him in Paris and we would tell him that of course we will as soon as we can. That is the truth...I would love to visit him in Paris! Another truth is that it's quite expensive to get three tickets to fly there and you need more money than what is needed for airfare.

Ben recently stayed with us and when he got back home my husband's brother called again asking us to visit them. My husband said what he normally says to him, "Yes, of course. We will visit as soon as we can!" and this time his brother wouldn't let it go. The following is a bit from their conversation:

Brother: You always say that, but never visit. Why not?
Husband: Well....
Brother: If you want to visit you would have by now. I've asked for six years for all of you to stay with me and you don't. Do you not want to stay with me?
Husband: Of course not!! We would love to stay with you!
Brother: Then what's the problem?
Husband: Well.................
Brother: Do you have a problem with me?
Husband: Not at all...it's just....well....we really can't afford it. As soon as we can afford it we will be there, but we haven't been able to yet.
Brother: Oh! If that's the case, when do you want to go?
Husband: What?
Brother: Yes, what dates do you want to go? I am going to purchase the tickets. When can your wife get off work?
Husband: Thank you so much, but you don't need to do this.
Brother: Of course I'm doing it! I want you all to stay with me and I'm getting the tickets. Let your wife know and call me back with the dates so I can go ahead and get them.
Husband: Thank you so much...
Brother: You don't need to thank me. I have the money and it's not a bother at all.
Husband: We will need to pay you back, though!
Brother: You don't need to, but you can if you like. (My husband told me that his brother said this because he wanted him to feel better about it.)

The conversation continued a bit.....then they hang up andmy husband tells me the news (they were speaking in French and Arabic and I couldn't understand what they were talking about. He told me the entire conversation and I was shocked, needless to say).

My husband said that we really needed to take him up on his offer because if we don't go his brother will become angry and feel insulted. My husband says that we have no excuse not to go now and we must.

OK, let's be reminded about something: I went to a bankruptcy attorney! I am going to start with proceedings once I have money from our yearly tax refund and can pay the attorney. It just doesn't seem right to jet off to France when I'm going to be bankrupt!

What would you do? My husband insists that we must go and constantly asks me for dates. His brother has now called our house three times asking for dates because he is a planner and wants to get the tickets.

I feel BAD even if I wasn't going bankrupt! I feel bad that his brother is going to buy them and they will be expensive! Flying to France in the summer is not cheap.

Though his brother never talked about it, we knew that he was financially well off. Just because he is well off doesn't mean that he should buy these tickets!

Not only that, he wants us to stay with him for two weeks!

And all I can think about is if we do go, of course we will need to pay him back and I can't even imagine owing more than I do already and having one more thing to worry about that is needing to be paid.

The irony is that if I were him, I would do the same thing and not think twice about it. If I had the money and wanted family to visit and found out they couldn't because it was too expensive for them, I would have thought the same thing. The difference is that it's NOT me buying the tickets. It's his brother...and I just really feel bad about that.

I Wish My Mind Had a "Power Off" Button

I worked Thursday and Friday 12 hours each day. I worked as well today for about six and I'm tired. After working today I went to the grocery store and came home and put it away, cleaned the kitchen and here I am.

I never see my husband. We merely pass through the house always walking the opposite direction from each other. I get home from work, he leaves for work. I leave for work, he is sleeping.

I never thought it would get to be this way.

My daughter has been staying at her Nana's house this weekend and comes home tomorrow. I'm happy for her because she loves staying there. It's a nice break for her.

Tomorrow I need to clean the house, wash clothes and do homework. I just can't wait.

You know, I just realized that this blog is becoming a sort of "To Do" list. Lately I have been writing either what work I've done or what work I need to do. How freakin' boring is that! I apologize. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in what I need to get done or what I've already done that it is all I can think about.

Sometimes I just can't shut my mind down and it's tiring.

Too Tired to Write...

I apologize, however I'm just too tired to write. Last night I was up too late doing homework and then today worked 12 hours and didn't get home until 9pm.

I accomplished a lot today and for that I am thankful.

Linda and Happy, I will read your blogs tomorrow night.

I hope that you all sleep well!

Nighty, Night.

Doing Something is Better than Doing Nothing

I didn't go to work today. Thank God it wasn't depression that kept me in bed. I am soooo grateful for that. I didn't go because I am damn tired. I think I've been doing too much. The last two days I've been dragging. Today I called into work and then went back to sleep...until 3:00pm!

It's 7:22pm and I'm tired still. I'm not going to stay up too late. To make up my hours, the following is my plan:

• Tomorrow: Work from 7:00am - 7:00pm (12 hours)
• Friday: Same (12 hours)
• Saturday: Work eight hours

Doing this will get me to my regular 40 hours a week and also have four hours overtime, which will be good.

I'm just going to be tired by Saturday, I can tell.

Sunday I'll need to do homework, wash clothes, clean house, etc.

It never ends.

About the attorney: I met the attorney yesterday and he spent a full hour with me. After reviewing my financial situation and pounding out numbers on his calculator, he said that I would most likely qualify for a Chapter 13 bankruptcy, which means that I will pay a portion of what I owe over a five-year period. That portion is determined by a government software program where he will enter all of my financial data and answer a lot of questions (he said it takes approximately three hours) and the magical number of what I need to pay each month will be displayed.

I wonder what that magical number will be.

Sitting there was a bit surreal because I never expected to ever even consider bankruptcy. In a way I wanted to cry because I thought of the way things have progressed that led me to sitting in that chair (I didn't cry, thankfully), but also it made me feel good that I'm doing something about this hell of a financial situation and though it's bleak and though it sucks and though it makes me feel humiliated, I'm doing something. It's better than doing nothing and having the calls and letters from creditors continue to stress me out. It also stressed me out because I felt embarrassed by all the calls and didn't want to deal with them. I felt even more that I was a failure.

Well, this failure has decided to go ahead with proceedings. It's really the only way out. It will be off my credit report in 10 years. OMG, I will be 45 by then.

In a way I was hoping that I would qualify for a Chapter 7 bankruptcy which means you are basically "graced" from your debt and don't pay back a dime. But then again I wanted the 13 because I did want to pay something towards it. I wouldn't feel as much of a failure if I did pay something.

The irony of it all is that I have to come up with $1445 before I can start the proceedings. I am completely bankrupt, really, and don't even have $384 to get a crown for my tooth that I desperately need (it's starting to hurt and become very sensitive), and I certainly don't have $1445 to pay the lawyer. It looks like I will have to wait until tax season in February and give him the money when I receive a tax refund.

So, I'll have to endure the calls and letters from creditors and hope that none of them place a lien on my house or something between now and then.

*sigh*

At least something will be done, though. I'm hanging onto that thought.

*yawn*

I am tuckered out.

Did too much today.

I can't even hardly type.

All I would like to say tonight is it would be nice if all of you could visit Happy's blog at http://happystill-nomatter.blogspot.com/. She has a nice posting out there about world events and I am curious what all of you think about it.

Today I went to the attorney.

I will go over that discussion tomorrow night.

Right now I need to sleep.

Good night!