Sunday, March 30, 2008

I am SOOOO Gullible

My mother told me something when I was ten years old. We were visiting her biological mother (long story of why I am calling her "biological") in Virginia. One day during the trip my Mom pointed out the car window and said, "Do you see those cows on that big hill?" I looked and said, "Yes". She then said, "How do those cows walk around that big hill when one set of their feet are longer than the ones on the other side?"

I had to sit and look and think about that. It was obvious that these cows wanted to get to the top of the hill and it didn't look very easy to do because of their obvious impediment of one half of their legs being longer than the other side. Momma then said that they must walk around and around the mountains in order to get to the top of the mountain and wasn't it just a shame that they couldn't just walk up or down the hill like everyone else.

I completely believed my parents for YEARS and thought that mountain cows and goats had smaller legs on one side of their bodies that they used to go around hills and mountains because they couldn't go up them.

When really, the cows and goats have fine standing bones to cavort around in and really I am the twerp with the misconception. My mother got such a laugh and thrill telling everyone how I believed those long years ago that I thought their legs were shorter and then everyone would call me "gullible", "naive", "green behind the ears", and any type of expression they could find.

On another note, I have been experiencing great difficulty sleeping lately once again. I just popped an Ambien to help me rest prior to laying down with my laptop to try and say .... something..... anything.

Writing with Ambien is quite difficult and at the same time quite nice because I don't have the normal fear of who will read what. I found out that one person found my blog that I never expected would (and you know who you are). It really freaks me out because this blog is a place I can say anything on my mind and feel the freedom while doing it. I don't feel as free anymore. I feel I have to censor certain things, which doesn't go along with the life and intent of this blog.

I don't feel as comfortable blogging because of it.

I have actually thought about deleting this blog and starting anew somewhere else where no one will know me. I will miss my blogging friends a lot, though.


I just don't know what to do.

I think that I'll sleep now...Thankfully the Ambien is starting to kick in.

Good night, my friends. Please pray for me. I am desperately trying to change my life and don't know where to start. I feel so ADD and overwhelmed when I think about all that I need to do and all that I need to face, and conquer once and for all.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

And the Statistics Gods Smiled Down On Me

I've been studying and completing work for my final statistics exam. It has been grueling to say the least. I was up this past Sunday night until 2:00am studying for statistics. I also got my business proposal and PowerPoint for it completed this weekend as well and turned it in on time for my other class.

While studying Sunday my daughter peeked over my shoulder and said, "So, you studying for statistics?". I said, "Yes, my final exam is tomorrow night." She said, "I hope that you make a 93". I said, "What do you mean? Why?" She said, "You always make 100's and for once I wish you would make a 93. You're like Einstein or something." I said, "Honey, if I was Einstein, I wouldn't still be in school trying to get my degree at 36 years of age!"

Monday night I took the final exam. It was a killer. Over four hours of gut-wrenching, mind-blowing problems to answer. All I can say is WOW. I took my test to the professor while walking out the door and he said, "Is that another 100?" I said, "Not this time, I don't think."

I was worried to death. I felt that I blew it.

Yesterday I called my professor because I couldn't wait to find out. He answered the phone and the following is the conversation:

Me: Hi!
Prof: Hello!
Me: I hate to bother you, but I am curious if you have had the opportunity to grade the exam.
Prof: Yes, just finished.
Me: And?
Prof: I was very mad with you! I can't believe you only made a 96!
Me: *sigh of relief* Well, do you know what the final grade is for the class?
Prof: Yes.
Me: And?
Prof: What is your expectation?
Me: What?
Prof: What do you think that your final grade in my class is?
Me: *silence*
Prof: An "F"?
Me: No...
Prof: "C"?
Me: No...
Prof: You made a "B-".
Me: OMG! Are you sure?? (He knows my quest for keeping the 4.0 GPA.)
Prof: *cackling*, No, I'm not made an "A"! You are very smart and you shouldn't believe that you aren't. You have the highest grade in the class. The others didn't do so well.
Me: I wouldn't have done that well if it wasn't for you. (and that is the TRUTH...he helped me a lot last week)

All I can say is...Thank God! I am so very grateful.


Last night I shared my grade with my daughter. Before I even began she said that she KNEW that I had made a 100. I said, "No, you jinxed me! I made a 96". She proceeded to dance around the house yelling, "YAY! She made a 96!! She didn't make a 100!". I said, "Hey..that isn't very nice! Don't you want me to do well?" She said, "Of course I do, but I'm sick of the 100's."

I then realized it's good that I didn't make a 100. My grades set a bar for her own and I think it feels out of reach to her at times. I don't want her to feel that way at all and so I'm glad I didn't make the perfect score...because...I'm not perfect by any means and it's good for her to realize that. Maybe I should fail my next test? She would faint for sure!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

The Joy of Finals

Due to preparing for final exams at school I haven't been able to blog. I also haven't been able to check out my favorite blogs, either! Last night I was at the university until 10:00pm working on statistics with a fellow classmate of mine. Do you know when you get so tired that you become silly? Doing statistics for a long period of time can also make you feel that way. We had been working on it for four hours straight and got to the point where we finally solved a very difficult problem after countless tries. When we FINALLY got it right, we actually both jumped up and started dancing around the computer lab. It was hilarious! I couldn't stop laughing. I told him that it's amazing how two grown adults (he is 43 while I am 36) can get so damn excited about solving a statistics problem. I never thought that this would happen.

As we walked to our cars for the night I told him that I cannot believe that I didn't just get my degree years ago when I was in school instead of joining the Navy. I told him that I could just kick myself every day. If only I knew then what I know now, I would have stayed in school with straight A's back then. ugh.

I so very much hope that my daughter learns from me and goes to college right after high school graduation and STAYS in until she earns her degree. I talk with her about it all the time and just hope that it sinks in. I sincerely don't want her to make the mistakes in life that I have.

This weekend I have to finish statistics homework to turn in this Monday night, and write the eight to ten page business proposal that is due Sunday. I've been working so much on statistics that I haven't yet had time to work on the proposal. I also have to create a PowerPoint presentation with at least ten slides that goes with the proposal. Saturday will be full during the day because my husband is teaching an all day oil painting workshop using the "Alla Prima" technique. Alla Prima is a style of painting where, instead of building colors up with layers, the painting is done in one session while the paint is still wet. From the Italian word which literally means "at once" (got the definition from Nine people signed up for it and I am going to attend as well. It will be my first stab at oil painting and should be interesting. I am also going to help him that day because we are serving lunch.

This Monday night is the final exam for statistics. Tuesday night I am getting my hair done and Wednesday night I have the final exam for the business communications class. Then...I AM DONE!!!!!

I was registered for classes that begin a week after the current classes end, but I unregistered from them. Frankly, I need a break. It will be nice to be off school for the next three months. I am literally at my breaking point and at least I know enough about myself to know when to stop and take a break from school. Previously I would have charged ahead until I fell to the floor having a nervous breakdown. I think taking a break will be very good for me.

During the break I will be able to have time to blog more, read more blogs, walk around the neighborhood with my family and HoneyBunny (the dog), relax, read a good book, travel a bit and just GET OUT AND HAVE FUN. I haven't done that in ages, which is probably half of the problem. We have a digital camera and I want to start taking more pictures and posting them in my blog. I have several projects as well that I want to complete.

I just can't wait!

Friday, March 7, 2008

4x4 Meme

I was tagged for a meme that I am gratefully doing. She thought that I may not feel like completing it due to my recent posts, but I am happily doing it because at least it gets my mind off my own shit. (Excuse my language John.....LOL). (Go read John's post to get the joke.)

Anyway, on to the meme.

Four Jobs I Have Had

  1. I used to be in the Navy years ago. Are you shocked? Ask me what I did....I'm waiting...I bet you couldn't guess if you tried. Most are shocked and start howling with laughter when I tell them. I was a Mineman (or "MN"). It was a specialist rate ("rate" means job in the Navy) and there were only about 400 in the entire Navy, which isn't a lot of people (which means you have to wait for someone to retire or die off to get promoted). Minemen built underwater explosives. Back then I worked on eight different systems. The oldest system was the old Mark 6, which is the one in the picture and the ones you see floating around the old Hollywood movies. Building and configuring mines was an interesting experience. How did I get into it? My recruiter lied. (Why did I even join the Navy? I'll have to write an entire new post to explain that one.) When joining the Navy I wanted to do underwater diving. The recruiter said being a Mineman was full of diving and even said I would be working with dolphins. Needless to say, I never stepped into a diving suit nor swam with Flipper. I went to Boot Camp in Orlando, FL, school in Charleston, SC and my first base was in Scotland (loved it).

  2. I worked in a nursing home while living in England. I have to say that it was the most enjoyable job in my entire life. Why I'm in technology and not in nursing is due to fate. I always wish that I was a nurse instead. There are oodles of stories about that experience as well. I hope to remember to write about them in future posts.

  3. I worked in a pub while living in England. I was paid more money to help people get pissed (drunk) than I was helping people live in the nursing home. It was a blast, though. Very busy and a lot of laughs. The nights would fly by (unless you poured Guiness all night and then you were stuck waiting..I'm being facetious here).

  4. I was actually hired for being American while living in England. It was a short term contract where a married couple opened a sandwich shop. It was a new concept for the small town. They wanted to know how American sandwich shops did it and so I gave them my extensive knowledge of Subway. One big thing I remember telling them was to not charge for beverage refills. For some reason they charge for refills in the UK (maybe they have changed that by now...I hope so) and I told them that their customers would love the fact that they didn't. They decided to try it though they were scared the local school of boys would siphon their restaurant whole and guess what? They are still in existence today (14 years later!). I'm sure it's not because they hired me, but it is pretty neat that they are still around considering how many small businesses opened in that town and never made it.

Four Shows I Have Been To

  1. I attended my first musical concert while a teenager with my parents. They were huge Kenny Rogers fans and off we went. It was country music, which I'm not a fan of, but it was still neat to go to a concert for the first time.

  2. While in the Navy and living in Scotland, I was fortunate enough to see The Cure in concert. I've loved The Cure since I was 13 years old. It was a small tour prior to their "Wish" tour in Glasgow, Scotland and only about 400 tickets were sold. It was in a small venue and I stood only five feet away from Robert Smith (the lead singer)! I never knew what type of Cure fan I would be when watching them live. Would I sing along, scream, cry, faint, or all of the above? I remember just standing there in awe and being filled with the music. The music danced around me, beside me and inside me. I was mesmerized. They played for over three was a GREAT show.

  3. My daughter's father is from England (which is why I worked in England...we moved to England after I got out of the Navy). I met him while stationed in Scotland on a Royal Navy Submarine Base. He was in the British Navy at the time. We went to London after marrying and attended a theater show called "The Woman in Black". I don't remember a thing about it except for feeling lucky to be there. I just looked it up and can't believe that it's still going. It says that it's the 15th year that it's been live which means I watched it in its first year.

  4. A beautiful ballet to watch is "The Nutcracker". I've always loved the music and it is an event that always gets me in the mood for Christmas.

Four Cars I Have Had

  1. My first car was an old, dark blue Chevrolet Citation. I have no idea what year it was. I just know that it was old and rusted through. That car and I got hit by a train (and yes, I was still inside), and that was the end of that.

  2. My biggest ride was an Oldsmobile 98 Regency. It looks just like the picture in the link. I had it back in the early 90's after my daughter was born because we had no money and my Dad sold it to us for a charitable price. It was a massive car and rode like a dream. It was like riding on a cloud. You never heard anything outside of the car and though it was the cheesiest car ever, it was highly comfortable and felt safe while driving.

  3. My fastest ride was a dark red Mitsibushi Eclipse Spyder. It was my only V7 and only convertible. It was SO much fun to drive! We went on quite a few trips with that car.

  4. I also used to drive a Volkswagen Beetle. It was a lot of fun and reminded me of driving a go-cart. It had two-tone leather inside (red and black). The red leather had black stitching while the black leather had red stitching. It was just so cute.

Four Favorite Foods

  1. Creme Brulee! What can I say? The sugary, hard top that you have to crack like an egg to get to the soft, creamy and dreamy center is irresistible.

  2. Anything with cilantro. I just love cilantro for the taste of it. My husband makes a lot of Moroccan food with cilantro mixed in.

  3. Hummus. A nice hummus with hot pita bread is too good to pass up. Don't leave out a dab of olive oil planted firmly in the middle of the hummus spread that looks like a small lake! In fact, throw some cilantro on it as well to make it even better.

  4. My friends lasagna. It is the cheesiest, most lovely lasagna in the world. She is Italian and it's just to die for.

That was a LOT of fun!

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Sing Me to Sleep

I am typing this from my cellphone, so the spelling and grammar won't be the best.

When I was 13 years old my favorite song was a song by "The Smiths" called "Sing Me to Sleep". For some reason the song has been sliding through my mind like an oiled serpent these past few days. Verses such as:

"Sing me to sleep. Sing me to sleep. I'm tired and I want to go to bed. Sing to me...Sing to me...And then leave me alone. Don't try to wake me in the morning 'cause I will be gone. Don't feel bad for me. I want you to know that deep in the cell of my heart I will feel so glad to go. There is another world. There is a better world. Aaahhh there must be....aaaahhhh there must be."

The jaws of depression are ever wider as they beckon me to the darkness and sleep that I crave.

I realize that my period visiting is causing a lot of this hormonal upheaval. I've been in so much physical pain as well. It is so very debilitating and I can't stand much more.

If this is life as we know it, I don't want to be included.

I'm in so much pain with no way out and I hate myself so very much.

Will it ever end or do I need to end it?

John, you asked what my values are. I have pondered this question over and over to no avail. All I know right now is that I want this all-encompassing pain to go away. I want to stop being afraid. I want the demons to be set free...they must be so very bored with me...I want to stop thinking about me. It's so selfish to do and accomplishes nothing.

I've had values my whole life and I have stuck by them such as being good to others, self-sacrifice, hard work, raising a peaceful and confident and sweet child. working hard for a good marriage, working hard to get somewhere in life and bettering yourself, no stealing or lying is permissible. Be real...stand others and never judge.

I want to be strong yet feel so weak.

When I have lucid moments of wanting Dr. Phil to knock on my front door, I feel so weak because it's times like this when I am fully aware of my desperation.

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