Planning Out The Window

If you read my earlier post, I was supposed to be up at 6:00am and have my daughter at the dog show at 7:00am to volunteer. Well, I actually got up at 6:00am. I went to my daughter's room and she said she didn't want to go. We talked about it for a bit and we were both tired and ended up not going.

We both slept in and it was wonderful because I feel better, however I still have to go to work. There wasn't any specific time that I had to be there. I am just going in to work on the project and make extra money. I doubt anyone will be there today. Maybe some developers, but that's it.

I got my daughter up and I'm taking her to her Nana's. It's not her grandmother, but a lady that is very dear to both of our hearts. A is very excited because she loves spending time with her. After taking her there I'll go to work and then pick her up tonight.

In a way I feel bad about not making her volunteer today. She has been volunteering since she was eight years old. She's volunteered at a veterinarian's office, the library, the State Museum, at the dog show she was supposed to be at today, and at an animal shelter. She loves it. The reason why I feel bad about not making her go is because I know she was just tired. I've always tried to teach her that she needs to do what she commits to. Today we didn't do that.

Hopefully all these years of trying to teach her didn't go by the wayside because I didn't make her get out of the bed and do what she said she was going to do.

Making the Hot Dogs

I didn't cry today until driving home. Imagine that...compared to the last few days it's a miracle.



Tomorrow I have to get up at 6:00am (on a Saturday and I am so not a morning person!), get ready and take my daughter to volunteer at a dog show. She does it all day so after I drop her off I'm going in to work to make some extra money. 42 hours this week so far. Tomorrow I'll make it 50 and it will really help with the bills.



My husband has been working like a dog and has asked to work seven days next week. Whew...and he's on split shifts.



Have we fought today? Yes, once. I've seen him for about an hour and a half. At least we didn't fight for an hour and a half. I'm grateful for that. Tonight he leaves at 10:30pm to go to work all night. I feel really bad for him.

Do you know why I feel bad for him? This is why:

• 
  
  
  He's super intelligent, has a Master's Degree in Fine Art from Morocco (it translates to a Bachelor's in Fine Art with another year of college added on in America).


• 
  
  
  He speaks five languages fluently.


• 
  
  
  He is highly talented and creative.


• 
  
  
  His art is amazing.


• 
  
  
  His art has been exhibited in Morocco, France, Amsterdam, and Rome, Italy.


• 
  
  
  He's been interviewed in magazines, newspapers, radio, and TV in Morocco and France.


• 
  
  
  He was named "Morocco's Young Premiere Fine Artist".


• 
  
  
  He was selected and represented his country in the Biennale in Rome (there is currently a Biennale in Venice, Italy that he would love to be in. He knows artists from Morocco that are in it this year and he is sickened. He said, "To think they are in the Biennale and I am getting ready to go to work at a hotel to work all night. I don't want to know about it because it makes me sick. I should have never moved to America. Someone else should be here, not me."


• 
  
  
  He's just very talented and I feel he is resentful and probably wishes he never married me and became stuck here. I feel like I am the reason why he is so unhappy. Maybe when he visits Morocco next month he won't come back.

Other than his fine art, he has done some crafty-type things. We call them "making the hot dogs", which means he made something to sell in order to try and make money. Below is a "hot dog" he made. It's a sink called "Divas Don't Wash Dishes" and it wasn't supposed to be a hot dog in the beginning. He has an art studio and needed a sink. He went to Home Depot to purchase a sink and thought they were too expensive. He decided to make his own. He had an antique porcelain sink in the attic and decided to build something to hold it. Of course he couldn't make just any sink. He made this one:

After making it everyone told him that he needed to put it for sale. He exhibited it in several places and no one purchased it. It is now sitting in our living room and we use it to store our toilet paper in the bottom cabinet.

You may ask why we didn't install it in his studio. We had a plumber come in to do it last year, however where he was going to put it wouldn't work with how the plumbing of the house is configured and wouldn't pass state regulation codes.

(On a side note, you may notice the stain in the sink. I always wanted him to remove it, but he said that it made it more special and gave it more character.)

Truly, this sink is NOTHING compared to other hot dogs he has made or his fine art. He amazes and astounds me all the time with his creativity and skill.

It is a waste that he is here and I wouldn't blame him if he left.

Best Thing for Contacts

Do you wear contacts? I do and have since I was 16. I was that kid back in the early 80's (I was 10 in 1981) with the big glasses and plastic, transparent, light purple frames. I remember trying on glasses for the first time and being amazed. I didn't realize that people could see so clearly! I also remember trying contacts in 1987 and being blown away because for the first time I could see perfectly not only straight ahead of me, but also peripherally. I went outside the ophthalmologist’s, I had no glasses to fog up from the temperature change, the sun was shining and I squinted with happiness.

If you wear contacts, you know how it feels when one or both of them get foggy. You feel like you are in a smoky room even as the fluorescent lights of your office or school blare down on you. Sometimes I’ve even had to drive my car with one eye shut because it was so foggy and it messed up my vision more than having the one good eye.

When it gets that way I make myself yawn. That always brings a few tears to your eyes and helps the fogginess for a bit.

Well, today I had no fogginess at all. There was no way that my contacts could get dry because I was constantly about to cry. What hell. While driving I cried a bit and finally on the last street to my house, I had the following conversation with myself:

“Get a damn grip on yourself (I rarely cuss and when I do it’s because I’m upset or angry, though I never cuss in front of my daughter)! You are about to get home and see your daughter and you don’t need to look like you stepped out of an insane asylum. You don’t need to cry. You don’t need to even look like you’re about to. You need to walk in that house and act like everything is fine because it’s not her problem and she doesn’t need to be burdened. GET A GRIP!!”

I got inside the house and got through it. My husband was at work. I was able to clean up a bit and she helped out. I then asked her to sit down with me because she said yesterday there were things she wanted to talk about. She smiled and you could tell she couldn’t wait to spill her guts. She got a dreamy look on her face and told me about a guy she likes at school named Ritchie. She described him saying he had “smoky eyes that change with his mood”, he was “hot”, etc. She usually tells me every day that she has a crush on someone and gives a new name. This is the first time that I can really tell she likes someone. There is just something different about the way she described him. Her face changed when she was talking about him…he wasn’t just some guy to her. Well, I hope he realizes what a beautiful, thoughtful, special, caring and kind soul that she is. We’ll have to wait and see what the future holds with this Ritchie.

Interesting.

We ate dinner, I took a shower and here I am.

And I don’t feel like crying.

Amazing.

Thank God.

The bankruptcy attorney I called yesterday called back today and we have an appointment with him Tuesday at lunch. This weekend I’m going to finish working on all of the paperwork he is requesting to review. I asked him if it cost anything up front and he said he wasn’t sure until he saw my paperwork, but he guessed around $1,200 - $1,500. All I can say is “I’m bankrupt! I don’t have money…HELLO!!!”

But I’m not going to worry about it. I’m going to live in the NOW (thank you Linda, I read the book by Eckhart Tolle last year and I need to read it again. It was great and I remember thinking after reading it…who thinks about this stuff? Thank God he did!) Yes, I need to adopt his principles. It would help.

And Linda, thank you so much for your post. It really means a lot. You are so right – my husband is an emotional person and his culture does give him strong feelings about our relationship and how it should be and what his role should be. He told me in the past that he is “a failure” and I told him NO WAY. He feels that he failed with his business and he blames himself about the finances. I blame myself about the finances. Ugh.

We just go round and round.

HappyStill, thank you as well for your comment. Never apologize for a long comment. I love them! You’re right; I need to remember that this is temporary. It’s just difficult right now to think that way. I don’t really care about being “rich”. If anything I want to be rich in my soul. It’s just that going bankrupt and even thinking about it makes me feel like a failure. I’ve tried to think to myself today that going bankrupt doesn’t define who I am. Yet, then I would laugh inside sarcastically and think…but I am bankrupt…in every way possible…in my spirit, marriage, life, financially, in EVERY WAY. Ugh…I will keep trying to think optimistically.

A little Bit lazy a Little Bit Hypo, I’m sorry to hear that your parents fight all the time. When my husband and I fight, he yells and I stay quiet usually. Sometimes I’ve been known to yell, too, but not normally. Last night we were in his studio (part of the house is his art studio) upstairs and my daughter was downstairs in another part of the house on the computer. I doubt she heard anything. At least I hope that she didn’t. Usually if she does she’ll ask what happened. She didn’t last night, thank goodness. Tonight I’m going to visit you and leave a comment there. Thank you for keeping me mindful about my daughter.

If anyone else is reading this, ya’ll need to visit Linda and Her Surroundings, HappyStill and A little Bit lazy a Little Bit Hypo. Great blogs. I look for updates in them every night.

OK I’m signing off. Don’t want to bore ya’ll to tears and I have run out of things to say (imagine that!).

Good night everyone. Sleep well and I am grateful for your postings.

Monologues and Extreme Fatigue

I worked late tonight to make overtime pay and I plan to do that again tomorrow and Friday night and Saturday. I hope that I can get through it.

When I got home late my husband and I discussed our finances, which are in the serious shitter right now and of course he was not able to discuss it, he yelled and screamed and talked on end to where it felt like I was listening to a monologue. I did not get a word in edge-wise. When I did talk, I was interrupted and basically came away with the feeling that it really doesn't matter what I say.

I did try to create boundaries (which they taught in the hospital) and explained after listening to an hour and a half of screaming (which a lot of what he said was the same as what he screamed in my ear at work yesterday), that I couldn't listen to it anymore. I said it very nicely and my voice was never raised the entire discussion. I am just dead tired. And depressed. And it's just too much to go through our reality as it is without him adding to the destruction by the drama and yelling.

When I told him that I was going to go downstairs because my ears hurt, I was tired, worked late and wanted to go straight to bed, he said "Oh well...and I have to go to work tonight! I wish that I could go to bed." He then said, "Well, you married a Moroccan and Moroccans are not stone-cold people that patiently listen when something is wrong. We move our hands and our feet and we yell and that's the way it is. I'm not changing because this is the way I was raised. You should have known that when you married me."

I proceeded to remind him of my parents and how meek and quiet they are (compared to my husband, "meek" works) and how I grew up with them. I remember being younger and my biological father yelling at his fourth or fifth wife (cannot keep up) and I started crying because I wasn't used to all of the yelling and it upset me a lot. I can't stand the yelling now. Nothing has really changed where somehow I built this very thick hide that is impenetrable. If anyone knows how to do this, please let me know! I told him that he should have known how I am when he married me as well.

He said that I had to get used to him acting out like that and I told him that he had to get used to me. He said that he could never get used to me and not react. I then reminded him that if we are in stressful circumstances like that, the worst thing to do is yell and scream because it makes the energy go down to hell somewhere, nothing gets accomplished and people walk away from it heavy in their heart and soul. It’s just not effective.

So...I walked downstairs, took a shower, made my lunch for tomorrow and kissed my child good night. I am now blogging and then I'm going to bed because today has been very full and I've had enough. And when I wake up, it will feel like 20 minutes passed and I'll be dead tired and have to get ready for work again.

I've cried three times at work today. This isn't good. Yesterday I cried as well.

Today I found out that if I didn't make at least one payment on my car that it would be repossessed. That has NEVER happened to me. I was able to make one payment, but had to find a Western Union (never been there) to make a payment so that it's not taken away. I need my car to get to work and make money.

I called the bankruptcy attorney today to no avail. He was not there to make an appointment, but his secretary said he should be in the office tomorrow and to call then. I will call again because I really need to talk with him and explore my options pronto.

Not only was I running to Western Union for the car, I also had to talk with my car insurance agent. I have to make a payment by this Friday or my insurance will be cancelled. I've known the agent for years and he is a very nice guy. He also is my family's agent. I told him that my husband gets paid this Friday and if it would be possible if I wrote a check to go in Friday. He said that he needed it by 5:00pm tomorrow. His office is about a 30-minute drive from where I work and then he asked where I worked. When he found out, he said..."I live about five minutes from there. Let me give you directions and you can drop it off there so you don't have to drive all the way here." I thanked him profusely and went by his house as well and hid the check under a planter. I am very grateful to him because he didn't have to do that!

I have never in my 35 years of living had to run around like that paying money for past due bills! What stress and feelings of failure! And then when my husband sits there and gives an entire monologue on how this affects him and he yells and screams and jumps around and basically tells me that he will leave if we don't sell this house...it's just all extremely amazing. Especially when we started off the conversation very mildly in the first place. I had worked today on a budget from here until November and we discussed it. I asked that we review it every week. He agreed and I thought things were going exceptionally well. Until the monologue. And I love how he tells me hurtful things and then ends it with "I didn't want to tell you that". I said..."well don't!".

He is at work now. I am about to go to bed. I hope that I can sleep. If I don’t stop writing about this, I’ll never stop. I feel like I’m going round and round with the same thoughts in my head. I have to stop writing about this.

I want to end with two things:

The first thing is gratitude – I feel grateful that I was able to pay the car insurance today so that it didn’t cancel and the car so that it wasn’t repossessed. I feel grateful to my daughter who I could tell wanted to chit-chat tonight, but I couldn’t give her all the time she needed because I got home from work late and then had to discuss finances with my husband. I gave her a big hug and apologized saying that it was a not-so-good night for me and if we could talk about what she wanted to talk about tomorrow. I reassured her that none of it had to do with her, that I was going through my own problems and am trying to fix them and everything would be fine. She smiled at me and gave me a hug and kiss and said "OK Mom...no problem. We can talk about it tomorrow." I love her a lot.

And last, but not least, I want to say that I have had good intentions my entire life, but I am a failure. My intentions weren't good enough and in the end didn’t really matter when I look at the mess we are in today.

I failed. As Dr. Phil says, “It is what it is”.

And knowing this just tears me up inside.

Gratitude and Gratefulness

All I’ve done is complain in this blog and I apologize. In a way I feel that I can't help it because it's truly the first time that I can say what's on my mind and not be afraid or worried about what others think. Writing in this blog is very freeing.

Yesterday all I saw was red and black. It was a mixture of pure anger and despair. Life was bleak...and it still feels pretty bleak.

Today my husband called while I was at work and ended up shouting to me on the phone. We are having financial difficulties and have been ever since I was in the hospital and are at the point when we wonder if we should file bankruptcy. Today he was saying that we should file bankruptcy AND sell the house and be done with it. I don't think he understands how I feel about selling the house. Selling the house will disturb me more than he knows because I will feel like it was the biggest punch in the gut from my pal depression. I will feel like I've lost everything since I ended up in the hospital and I am tired of it. I've lost so much as it is.

Tomorrow I am calling a bankruptcy lawyer to make an appointment. This doesn’t mean that we will do it. It means that we are thinking about it and need professional advice. This may sound strange, but I would rather go bankrupt than lose the house. I don’t want to go bankrupt. It’s strange to even consider when I make more money now than ever before. I never, ever thought that bankruptcy was possible for me. Ever. Ugh. We shall see.

OK...now I need to find gratitude...

I am thankful that I have a family who drives me crazy. I am thankful that I even have a house. Some aren't so lucky. I am thankful for having running water and a toilet that flushes and a refrigerator that keeps the food cold. I am thankful for having food. I am thankful for having a laptop to type my feelings out on and I am thankful for an Internet connection. I am thankful for Blogger.com and lastly, I am thankful to anyone who may be reading this.

Agitated....

First of all, I want to say thank you to everyone that spent the time to put a comment on my blog. It means more than you all know and I appreciate you.

On another note, I cannot believe how agitated and frustrated I am tonight. I feel like I will just spring out of my body and scream until my throat is raw and bloody. I don't know what my problem is and just the fact that I am agitated makes me more frustrated.

I love my daughter dearly. She is 14 years old and in the ninth grade. Lately she is driving me nuts with her lack of wanting to do anything around the house or anything period. She just wants to do what she wants and doesn't appear to care. She is also going through an arguing stage and even when I tell her to stop arguing she tells me that she isn't! I realize that all of this is completely normal for her age, but it is driving me crazy.

When she started the ninth grade, I wanted her to start disciplining herself more and so I didn't give her a bedtime. I was hoping that she would be able to discipline herself to get the rest that she needed. We had a family talk about it and the condition of not having a bedtime was that she had to get herself up in the morning, ready for school and to the bus on time. She also had to get her responsibilities done in the morning, which was to feed the cats and dog and give them fresh water.

From the very start she didn't do a very good job of it all. It even got to the point that she wasn't doing her responsibilities and was so tired in the morning that she wasn't able to even get up. She would turn her alarm off and go back to sleep. I kept giving her chances and kept discussing with her how she can discipline herself. Nothing worked. So, I had to give her a bedtime of 10:00pm on school nights. I was actually quite disappointed because I really want her to start taking responsibility for herself. She only has four years left and then she starts college.

At times I feel like I am trying to cram everything I think she needs to know and do in these last four years.

With that background, I hope that it is understandable that I was exasperated with her tonight because it was 10:00pm and she had not taken a shower or done the things she was supposed to do and was still watching television at 10:02pm! I asked her what the problem was and she said that she didn't have a problem. I asked her if she realized the time and she said that she did, but wanted to watch television. That really got me. I told her that in the future if she wants to stay up later, instead of blatantly ignoring the rules, to talk with me about it. I said that sometimes I will let her stay up later and sometimes I won't, but that the important thing is to communicate. She said, "OK" and we'll see.

That isn't the only thing frustrating me at this point. My husband is frustrating me because I feel like he doesn't appreciate me and he yells any time he wants to blow off his frustration. It hurts my feelings when he does this. It also makes me angry and resentful because it seems to be not allowed if I am frustrated, but it's fine if he is frustrated. He is also too rough at times and when he's playing he physically hurts me sometimes. Not majorly, but it does hurt. When I tell him to stop sometimes he doesn't and that makes me feel like he completely disrespects me. Sometimes he does stop, but he never apologizes. Sometimes, like tonight, he just gets mad. I asked him to come back and he gave me the finger and walked out of the room. That was 15 minutes ago and now the TV is blaring.

I'm not trying to make him out to be a monster. He isn't. He is actually a very passionate person and cares a lot. Just sometimes it doesn't show and I am just frustrated by the constant drama.

Even if my daughter and husband weren't driving me crazy tonight I would still feel frustrated. It's something inside of me that I can't figure out the source and can't fix.

Wow, I just realized that I used some form of the word “frustrated” eight times. I hope tomorrow is better.

HoneyBunny

 

This is my dog named HoneyBunny. Now, the reason that I am showing this picture is because you need to see what she usually looks like. She is a toy poodle and is 5 pounds. She is very tiny, very sweet, very intelligent and I just love her so very much. She has been a wonderful companion to me and we have become quite close over this past year (she is a year and two months old).



When I am depressed, this little angel disguised as a dog sleeps and lays down with me when I can't get out of the bed.



About a month ago she had an operation and the veterinarian said not to give her a bath until she completely healed, which was approximately 10 days. I normally give her a bath and groom her every weekend, but wasn't able to for awhile because her stitches did not heal very well and it took longer than expected for her to get better. She absolutely abhors grooming and doesn't like to even be brushed. Her hair is like cotton candy (or as they say "candy floss" in the UK) and mats very easily. I didn't want to bother her with brushing her because I knew she felt poorly, so she didn't get brushed and over time mats developed. Well, I say over time, but really in no time at all she had mats all over and then I really didn't want to brush her until she felt like it.



Today I was finally able to groom her because her stitches are out and she is able to be groomed. The bad news is that the mats were so bad in some areas that I finally had to break down and shave her with clippers. I was heartbroken to do this because I have been been grooming her for a year and her hair was really starting to get long and she had one of those cute poodle cuts. It has taken forever to grow out the hair on her head, ears and little tail, so I tried to save the hair in those areas.



Now she looks absolutely hilarious...I told my husband that she looks like an '80s rock star and he said that she favors Andy Warhol. This is what she looks like now. Make sure you go to the bathroom first before seeing the picture so you don't wet yourself laughing...



Ta Da!

 

 

 

 

I Don't Know Why...

but I feel a tad bit better today. That is the thing most tiring about depression...it's inconsistency. There have been times where I felt better than ever before and then it hit me and I was thrown down into a dark pit of hell again.

I remember when I used to feel better and would actually think to myself that the depression was gone and I was "cured". Then it would start up again and I would be sad and disappointed about it. Now I'm just so sick of it that even when I do feel better I wonder how long it will be before it hits again.

I am at the point where I actually visualize depression as this thing running very close behind me and I have to run like hell to keep ahead of it or it will bite my butt. And when it bites me, I'll be back in the bed with the covers of despair wrapped around me like bandages on a mummy.

I realize that this is not a good way to think because I am actually attracting negative energy when I'm being negative. However, it's difficult not to think that way when you just continue to get sick over and over again.

My husband and I are doing better. I talked with him last night while he was at his job and told him that I was just tired of it all. He called me back afterwards and told me that he wanted me to feel better and not go to bed feeling badly. Today he has been in a better mood and that is always helpful.

The thing about my husband is that he is so great to hang out with and I love him dearly. It's just the drama that evolves at times really makes me feel bad. It's difficult to walk on eggshells and that is what I do sometimes.

Oh well...I guess that is life. It's like weight and money...sometimes you lose and sometimes you gain. The only consistent thing about life is its' inconsistency.

Background Information

I never see my husband anymore. He just started a job where he works second and third shifts during the week. Sometimes I spend nights on my own while he is on the job and sometimes when I do see him at home he is either sleeping or doing other things he needs to do. I feel like a single mom again and it has been very difficult for me.

Prior to his job, he has not worked a "regular job" for the past five years. He is an artist and we agreed that he would start a business doing what he loved. He is highly talented and it just made sense. I worked a "regular job" and was the breadwinner for the family while he worked on his business. He worked really, REALLY hard for five years and I feel very badly that he was not able to make it a success. He deserves so much more than he received during this time and it just makes me sad.

Last year my depression got worse and worse. It just wouldn't go away and then it became debilitating. I couldn't function anymore and I ended up in an outpatient program at a hospital. Being in this hospital helped me a lot and I feel saved my life due to the therapy and treatments I received while there. They taught a lot of skills to help me deal with depression and I am grateful.

The unfortunate side of this story is that I was in the hospital for six weeks and during that time I had to take FMLA from work. FMLA is a federal law that allows you to take a specific amount of time off from work if you or a family member is sick and is not able to work. Basically, it protects your job. When I went into the hospital, I thought everything would be fine because I always have paid into my short-term disability and AD&D insurance at work. Well, I wasn't fine. I saw an Oprah show a while back where she said that most Americans are a paycheck or two away from bankruptcy. She hit the nail on the head because being in the hospital cost me a lot financially. My short-term disability insurance didn't kick in until the 21st BUSINESS DAY of being in the hospital and it WAS NOT RETROACTIVE!

Isn't that crazy?

Here I am the breadwinner and I missed so much time from work prior to being in the hospital because I was sick in bed and couldn't get up and then six more weeks while in the hospital trying to get the will to live again. That was last summer and I am still reeling financially from the income loss. Hence my husband working. Hence me never seeing him. Hence his sleepless nights and my sadness.

Now that he isn't home a lot of things that he was able to do previously he can't do now and I feel a lot of responsibility on me to get things done. I hope that this is just a transition stage for us both and it gets better.

Now that I have given some background, let me get to the point of this posting.

The point is that I never see my husband anymore and today when I got home from work and finally saw him before he vamoosed to work, he was in a horrible mood and said, "I hate my life" while trying to change light bulbs. I said to him, "Well, I hope that really you just hate your schedule and not your life". He said, "I don't really know and I don't want to talk about it".

Great...fabulous.

Did I mention he is from Morocco? He hasn't been home in seven years and is catching a flight home on Halloween. He'll be gone for a month. I wonder if he'll come back. I feel that he must ask himself the same question.

I hope that while he is gone he will be able to slow down for a while and just contemplate his life. I hope that during this contemplation he will realize how hard I have tried to make a good life with him. I hope that he will realize his life isn't so bad. I hope that he will find compassion in his heart for me because he has already said several times, "I feel no compassion for you and your depression...I don't understand it and I can't support you during it."

Once again...great...fabulous.

I hope that he appreciates me more and I hope that he will just calm down a bit.

It will be good for the both of us if he does.

My Letter to Depression

OMG..when will this feeling of depression go away? I feel like I'm carrying a two-ton load on my heart and mind. I HATE depression...absolutely abhor it. I wish it would just go away.

I haven't been well these past few days. I've been making it to work, thank God...but it's been difficult. When I get home I am down..down..down. I have been making myself get things done like organizing the house, washing clothes, making dinner, helping my daughter with her homework, etc. But why does it have to be so difficult?

If I could write a letter to depression it would be this:

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Depression,

I have been wanting to write you all of my life, but I didn't know what to say because you absolutely silence me when I most need to express myself.

I thank you for your companionship throughout my life. I appreciate and admire your consistency and tenacity. Lately however, you are visiting more and more and though I don't want to hurt your feelings, I find this debilitating to my soul and I can't stand your visits anymore.

In other words...fuck off.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have been diagnosed with severe, chronic, and major depression. I've had depression my entire life and my gawd it will not go away. In fact, it gets worse as I get older.

I just can't stand it anymore.

Feeling Better...

Wow...it's the next day and I'm writing again. I think it's because I made my laptop hibernate last night and all of these windows were still open when I opened my laptop again tonight. Maybe that is what I need to do to remember to write. :)

My headache is gone and I am in a better mood. I really don't know why I'm in a better mood, and in the past I would have not cared and not questioned why. I question myself now because I am really trying to figure out my mood swings. It's like I can go for days and possibly a few weeks with no depression and then bam!!! Depression's blanket is covering my soul and I can barely breathe.

Today I spoke with a friend of mine named Steve. I met him a little over a year ago and it was wonderful to hear his voice tonight.

I also spoke with my Mom. She is going on vacation tomorrow and is in a great mood. I wish I was going on vacation...it's been over two years now!

My husband is home tonight and I'm so glad that he isn't at work. I miss him so much. I feel comfortable when he is home. When he works at night I feel very disturbed and can't sleep at all. I love him a lot.

Today my daughter got her school pictures and they are WONDERFUL! She is such a gorgeous and sweet girl. I love her endlessly.

Tomorrow is work...and I'm going to get ready for bed now...

First Time

Just trying to do something...

I am tired and it's already 1:03am. I have to get up early to go to work and I don't know why I am laying here with my laptop dangling between my knees as I type absolutely nothing into this blog.

I have so much to say, yet nothing at all will express itself from my soul.

I have a headache...I've had it for a while today and it just isn't going away. I am tired and feel lost.

I have tried in the past to keep diaries when I was young and also other blogs when technology bloomed, yet I have been wildly unsuccessful with them. I just don't have the consistency to keep them going. Is there any technology out there that I could use to get myself to write into this blog every day? Even if it was only three sentences a day? Just something?

OK..I am going to listen to my body for once and go to bed and try and sleep. Wish me well...I wish all the best for each of you.