Effin' Hell

Too much going on. I hate my laptop. It's so slow and I rarely get on it anymore. I need to start using it a lot more now because school has started back. I really need a new laptop. This one is quite old, no space left and as slow as frozen molasses. Since I can get on the internet with my cellphone I use it all of the time. All of my blogs are bookmarked on the phone and am keeping up that way, though the keyboard is horribly tiny and there are issues posting comments on other's blogs. I also use Facebook constantly, though I never thought I would. I now understand why it's called "Crackbook".

My new job is going well still. I love working there. I've had a few depressive episodes since the last one blogged about, but was able to go in and haven't missed any work since then. I am very thankful for this. I'm going to Georgia in two weeks for work and will be gone for three days. In May I'll be in Pennsylvania for work for four days. I can't wait. With the way things are going at the house, it will be nice to have a break.

I can't even blog about it much right now because there has been so much madness going on at home I feel as if I'm in a psycho ward from Hell. To make a very long story short, we recently found out that my 16 year old daughter snuck out at 2:00am a few weekends back to meet a boy while she was staying at her Dad's house. She went beyond kissing, though I don't think she had sex, but then again with all of the lies she has recently been caught in, I'm not so sure.

I am freaking out about it. This behavior is not normal for my daughter at all. My husband is absolutely freaking out about it. Let's not forget that he is from Morocco and with the way he grew up in his culture, and with the way his father was to live with, this incident has actually stirred up some childhood demons for my husband that he has never gotten over. This past Friday night I was driving him to two psychiatric hospitals and both couldn't take him because they didn't have time to evaluate him. We ended up driving back home and it's been Hell ever since. He has cried, screamed, raged, slept, and everything in between. He never cries, yet he's cried three times since Friday. He has said that he wants to kill himself, cut himself, leave, divorce, get the hell out of here, etc, etc.

My daughter is walking around with an attitude most of the time, yet other times she's sweet. I don't know who she is anymore. I do know that she is not just boy crazy, but obsessed and I don't know what I've done wrong as a parent for this and the other things we found out to happen.

I'll blog more about this later if I can. I need to write it out to perserve for memory's sake, but right now it's just too upsetting and is a problem too much in the forefront of my life that frankly, I'm tired of thinking about.

Climbing Out of the Hole

Once again I am feeling better. Monday and Tuesday were terrible. Yesterday I could finally write a little bit to express how I feel. This morning was difficult but it's getting better.

And the cycle continues.

I haven't been on my laptop in ages. I've been using my mobile phone for everything. The only thing I don't like about it is having issues when wanting to leave blog comments. It drives me nuts.

I need a new laptop. The one I have is old and slow and driving me nuts as well.

I'm still working out at the gym (except for Monday and Tuesday this past week), eating right, taking supplements, etc. I really am trying to change my life. I even get to bed by 10:00pm most nights. Last night it was 9:30pm. Before I stayed up way late and so I'm trying to get more sleep to see if it helps the depression.

I'm still taking Prozac. I'm thinking it may need to be upped a bit and will be discussing it with my doctor.

I think this is the most boring post ever so I'll end it here.

It Never Ends

Here I am again writing about depression. Its vicious grip is back with its scaly hands bound around my throat. It's hanging on for dear life while I'm hanging on for dear death.

I went to get lunch today and stared around the restaurant curious how many people there wanted to die at that moment. Am I the only one thinking about death? Am I the only one wanting to be gone?

Suicide is on my brain once again. When will it end?

Tuesday night a guy I graduated high school with was killed in an automobile accident. Why do I wish it were me?

Working my Butt

Yesterday I went to the trainer for the first time. All I can say is thank God for him because he showed me what to do and it was a success. He is such a motivating guy and I feel lucky to be doing this.

I am pecking this post out on my mobile phone keyboard again so it won't be long. My only access to the Internet lately is my phone and though I've been keeping up with your blogs, I haven't commented. I will go around and do that soon when I get on the laptop next.

Thank you everyone for your encouragement. It means so very much.

*hugs*

Rod the Trainer

I am writing this from my mobile phone. Not sure how it will look, but we'll see.

Right before Christmas a friend gave me a one-year free membership to a local gym. She won it in a charity event and didn't want it. I got the membership right before New Years and never went back. My husband thought it would be best if I start with a trainer to learn how to do the machines and such and I finally made an appointment with one and start today after work.

His name is Rod and he is a great motivator. He says he is going to kick my ass and that is exactly what I need. He already has me started on the protein shakes and has been helping with nutrition tips. I'm really excited. I may actually lose some weight finally.

I'm finally feeling better from the cold crud. The cough won't seem to go away, but other than that I'm a lot better.

I STILL have my monthly!! It won't go away and has been quite painful. I'm not sure if I'll use Ceasonal again. If it keeps going on I really need to see a doc but don't want to take the time off work, so I hope it just stops on its own soon.

I was late to work yesterday and still feel bad about it. I need to yank my butt out of bed, but I recently realized that if I could do anything in the world, I would just want to lay in bed and sleep for the rest of my life.

I always knew that I was a loser and this really proves it.

Needing a Revolutionary Life

Didn't go to work today. Woke up this morning worse than yesterday. Dizzy, hacking and coughing and feel very weak. It would have been better if I didn't go to work yesterday at all and just rested for one more day because last night after getting home from work I felt worse than I had two days previously. So, I called into work and let them know. Not sure what they are thinking. It's obvious to them that I am sick because even yesterday my new manager told me that I should go home because I could hardly talk without coughing. I hope she understood when I called in this morning and doesn't think anything bad about me.

Once again, here I am starting a job and getting sick as a dog. Thank goodness it's not depression this time, but being sick like this hasn't been cake either. I don't remember feeling so bad physically for a long time.

I took an Ambien tonight with a glass of wine so that I will be able to sleep well in order to get up early and get my butt to work.

One annoying thing going on as well is that I have my monthly and I shouldn't have it. I am taking birth control pills named "Ceasonal" and basically you take them for three months straight so you won't have your period. With my period terrors I really wanted to try this to see if it would help. The weirdest thing is that I'm now in week 8 and I started my period! At first it was just a little and I had no pain or emotional issues. Then today the pain is arching down my stomach past my knees like lightning bolts. I then started wondering if it is affecting me mentally without me realizing it. Maybe that is why I thought about downing the bottle of Ambien yesterday for no reason. I have no clue.

Right now I'm just in pain and there is quite a bit of period going on when there should be NONE...NADA..ZILCH. So, I am a little confused with these meds. If anyone has taken Ceasonal, please let me know what your experiences with it have been. I thank you in advance.

While sick I've been reading the book called "Revolutionary Road". Great read, but it really makes me think a lot about my own life and how I need a change. I need to just sell everything and move to Scotland. That was the only place I felt at home. Maybe I will do that as soon as my daughter graduates. Or maybe before then. Who knows...I just need to change things in my life. It will help me mentally, that's for sure.

Suicidal Ideation

I have 40 Ambien in the drawer beside my bed. It's there for no reason. I don't take many Ambien lately anyway unless I am having problems sleeping. So it just sits there unless I need it. I never think about it unless it's time to fill the prescription again before it runs out, so lately the amount of Ambien increases every month.

Until this morning.

Why would I think about that bottle this morning?

I was laying in bed feeling bad from the cold crud stuff I have and hating the fact that I had to get up and get ready to go to work. I just needed one more day to recuperate. I laid in bed and was so sad thinking about how I had to work. I wished that I could stay in bed and take care of myself. Then my mind went further and started thinking about how tired I am of getting up each morning to attend this event called life. I am tired of it all.

Am I depressed thinking this?

Not at all. I don't feel depressed.

I'm just tired.

So, I thought out just downing the bottle. Then I remembered that I needed to write letters to my daughter and husband. Maybe my parents as well.

I had pretty much decided to do it and then realized that my daughter would be the one to find me, so instead I got up out of bed, got ready and went to work.

I am now back home and am tired. Physically I feel more sick with cold grunge I've had and my head feels like it's going to pop off.

Isn't it strange to have these thoughts when I'm not going through a depressive episode? What the hell is my problem?

I can't imagine another 40 years of this shit.