Mindfulness

Today I read the following quote:

Happiness does not depend on outward things, but on the way we see them.
Leo Tolstoy: 1828-1910, Novelist and Philosopher

It made me stop and think. I need to change the way I see things. I am usually a very optimistic person; however, lately I have really been letting things (and people) get me down.

It's difficult during emotional times to conjure this quote in my mind and make myself look at the situation differently. I need to practice mindfulness more. I learned a lot about mindfulness in the hospital and it's something that I have not put into practice for a long time. I need to make decisions on how I am going to react. I need to remember that it's not the situation making me feel a certain way, but a decision I am making to feel that way.

It's very difficult, but I'm going to try to practice this more.

Received Another Call Today

I received the following call at work today:

*ring*

Me: Hello..

Stranger: What is the name of your attorney?

Me: What?

Stranger: I need to know the name of the attorney representing you.

Me: Who is this?

Stranger: I am calling from *** to collect payment for a past due bill.

Me: First of all, this is my work and do not call me at my place of employment again.

Stranger: That is fine, ma'am. What is the name of your attorney?

Me: I do not have one yet. I will be signing with one very soon.

Stranger: So you don't have one?

Me: ...

Stranger: That is fine, we are going to sue you for the amount of $*** that you owe our company. Good luck.

*click*

She completely hung up on me. She never gave her name. She didn't leave her number.

I'm scared.

If I could claim bankruptcy right at this moment I would. I have to have these calls stopped. I can't afford the money I need to give to my attorney. I won't be able to afford it until I receive my tax refund. The early part of February is when I will receive it.

Will I be served with papers before February? February is four months away. If I am served with papers before then I will need to hire an attorney and I can't do it until February!

Also, when you are served with papers do they do it at your work? Will a policeman show up here and make me sign them? Do you get them through a certified letter in the mail? How does this happen? Were they trying to scare me and then they'll call again later hoping I'll have the money and drag it out more before getting an attorney after me?

I really cannot stand this. I never thought I would ever be in this situation. I never thought that I would be faced with bankruptcy and I certainly never thought I would be wanting to do it as soon as possible.

OMG...what has my life come to?

Did I Ever Mention The Hole In My Head?

I am very tired today. Last night I wasn't able to sleep very well and my husband and I ended up talking until around 3:45am (and when I say talking, I do mean only talking). We laughed a lot and it was really nice. We used to do this all the time years ago and he called those warm moments in the dark "slumber parties". We would be dragging around the next day dead on our feet, but we were happy.

I told him last night right before he went to sleep that I didn't care how tired I would be today because it was well worth it. He agreed.

This morning I had to be up at 6:00am to be at the dentist by 8:00am. I think that even after my husband fell asleep I slept very lightly because I was scared to miss my appointment. I was very happy to go to the dentist because I was finally going to get the crown that I needed for my tooth. I've never had a crown before and wasn't looking forward to the drilling, but I didn't care because the hole in my head would finally be fixed.

Months and months ago my dentist told me that I needed a crown. He warned me saying that if I waited to do it that it would start hurting and then I might need to have a root canal. I put it off because I didn't have the money. I got to the point where I couldn't put it off any longer because it hurt and became sensitive when eating and drinking hot/cold things. I still didn't have the money and was trying to figure out what to do. My Mom called me last week and asked if I had gotten my tooth fixed. I told her no and she said that she would send money to pay for half of it. I was so thankful. With her paying for half of it, I would be able to get it done. I could give the dentist the money she gave me to pay half of it now and then pay the other half when I went back to get the permanent crown. That would give me another month to save money for it.

When I arrived at the dentist they said that they wanted to take an x-ray of my tooth prior to working on it. After taking the x-ray the dentist said he couldn't do the crown today because he needed to refer me to another dentist to get an evaluation to see if I needed a root canal. He said that the root pulp of my tooth is damaged now and I may need one. It was so embarrassing, but I just looked at him and couldn't help crying. Tears started to fall and I tried to stop, but that made it worse and I cried more.

I couldn't believe that my dentist didn't do root canals and that he was going to refer me to someone else. Even though he warned me that this could happen, I was hoping so much that I wouldn't need a root canal in the first place! This will cost even more money.

The dentist they referred me to is on vacation this week. He is busy when he gets back next week and doesn't have an opening until November 6, which is two weeks away. That appointment is only an evaluation which means I will need to pay him $60 for the appointment to find out if I need it. If he says I do, I will then have to schedule another appointment to get it done. Who knows when that will happen. My tooth is hurting as I type this and I am sad to wait that long.

I cried in my car all the way to work because I don't know how I will come up with the money for the root canal. I didn't know this about root canals, but basically you get the root canal and then have to get a crown on top of it which means I still need to pay for the crown, but now there is an added cost for an evaluation and the root canal.

My Mom gave me $200. I am going to have to come up with at least $400 to $500 more.

I really don't know how I'm going to do this.

One Suitcase From My Emotional Baggage Is Gone

I had a very nice day yesterday. I finished my homework Saturday and didn't have to hurry up and get it done yesterday, which was nice. My daughter's grandparents flew in from Spain and she stayed the weekend with them and her Dad and his wife and son (his wife's son from a previous relationship).

Let me give a little background so there's no confusion.

After graduating high school YEARS ago I went to university. I was only attending the university for a year and decided to go into the Navy. (That was THE DUMBEST decision I could have made, by the way, but if I hadn't done it I wouldn't have my daughter, so I don't regret). While in the Navy I lived in Scotland for two years. While living there I met M (my daughter father) and we married. M was in the Royal Navy (British Navy) and was a submariner. He is from England. I was only 20 at the time and was SO in love. Actually, he was the first person I had ever felt deep feelings for (well, the deepest feelings I had ever experienced at the very young age of 20) and was completely smitten. While dating I found out that the base I worked at was going to be decommissioned and I would be stationed somewhere else. We couldn't stand the thought of never seeing each other again, so we married. If we were more mature at that time we would have realized that we could have still dated even if I moved. We weren't mature, though. :)

We were married in England when I was 20 years old and he was 22. While in Scotland I became pregnant and will never forget how I found out. I had missed my monthly and felt tired and worn out for weeks. M's mother told me that I must be pregnant. I didn't believe her. Finally, I went to a store to buy a pregnancy test. M was with me and we stopped at a McDonalds to take it because I couldn't wait to get back to the British Navy base. I asked the cashier for a cup and went into the bathroom to take the test. You knew if you were pregnant if the test result window displayed a pink plus sign (+). I sat very still in the McDonald's bathroom and stared until the result displayed. It didn't take long to show a pink + and the pink was more of a hot pink. I felt like the test was screaming at me with color letting me know I was pregnant.

I was shocked.

I couldn't believe it was that fast. I didn't know what to do. I left the bathroom and went to M. I couldn't talk. I just gave him the test so he could see the results for himself. He was overjoyed! I was numb. While walking outside to get back to the car it was raining (as it usually does in Scotland) and he actually picked me up so I wouldn't walk over a puddle while giving me a hug.

When I look back I feel very sorry for my parents. Just imagine…one week I call from Scotland to tell them that I'm getting married and then only a few months later I am telling them that I'm pregnant. They hadn't even met M yet!

I sincerely hope that my daughter makes better decisions than I did.

To make a very long story short, my base decommissioned, I was sent to the States, M's paperwork for his green card was still being worked on and he couldn't go with me. He got out of the Royal Navy and lived with his parents while waiting for his paperwork to go through. I found an apartment for us, moved in, got what we needed for it, and then became sick with toxemia. I kept going into labor and had to go to the Naval Hospital to get shots to stop the contractions even though I was six months pregnant. I swelled up with so much water I turned into a tomato and was immediately put on bed rest.

I was so depressed in the apartment alone. I was horribly sick and wanted M to be there. I was scared that he wouldn't be there for the birth, so I wrote my senator and explained my situation. Unbelievably, his staff contacted me and said they would get him to the States. In only two months they flew him over and I was thrilled. He was there for our daughter's birth, thankfully.

I decided not to reenlist when my time was up in the Navy and we moved to England. After living there for a year and a half we realized that the economy was not getting any better and it was very difficult to get good work, so we moved back to the States.

We were together for six more years. Things turned bad. I didn't want a divorce and kept working on the marriage. I come from a divorced family and didn't want that for my daughter. I thought it would be best if we stayed together no matter what. In all actuality, it would have been better if we divorced when she was only three because I don't think it would have hurt her so badly.

I'll never forget when he left. I was on the couch crying and he took off his wedding ring and put it on the table before walking out the door. Our daughter stood there very stoically and didn't cry one tear. She closed the door behind him and turned to look at me and said....

"Well, Momma...it's just you and me now."

She then went to the sink and got me some water and a paper towel and brought it to me. She wiped my tears and told me to drink the water because it would make my throat feel better and help me not to cry. She said that it was something that always worked for her. It was only four days after her sixth birthday.

I never thought I would marry again. I was happy to be with just my daughter...and then I met my current husband. I took it much slower with him and we dated for two years before marrying. We'll be married five years this December.

M remarried about two years after our divorce. I'll never forget when he told my daughter and me. We were amicable after the divorce and he would even ask advice about dating. He had met an older woman named T (she is 14 years older) and they had just started going out. Three months had gone by and he arrived on our doorstep to let us know they were getting married. I remember looking at him and asking..."Do you need to get married so soon? You just met each other!". He said that they had to get married and he couldn't wait. I said "Do you think three months is long enough?" And he said..."Well, it's better than us!" (By the way, M and I were engaged only one month after meeting. I told you that we weren't mature...). Then I said, "And look what happened!".

He got married and is still married today. He is now 38 years old while she is in her 50's. He complains to me at times that he is becoming a monk because she is a "nun" with her menopause. That is way too much information for me, but he has always been quite blunt. He's not very happy in his marriage and I sometimes think that he is waiting for our daughter to graduate so that he can move back to England. We shall see.

Back to my original story...yesterday.

His parents flew over from Spain to stay with M and his wife. They are from England, but retired and built a house in Spain. They float back and forth between the two countries. When I picked up my daughter yesterday M's mother went with us to spend some time together. She loves to shop so we went to the mall. We got a coffee from Starbucks (I haven't had a coffee in SO long and enjoyed it SO much) and chatted for a bit. Afterwards we looked around the shops and then I took her back to M's.

It was wonderful to spend time with her. I could tell my daughter was happy that we were having some "girl time" together because she didn't stop smiling for four hours. You see, after M's and my divorce, his family stopped speaking with me. When I did see them from time to time when they visited the States it was always very strained and felt so weird. I would call them in England and you could tell they didn't want to talk with me. I felt bad about this for years.

Yesterday was the first time since the divorce that things weren't strained and were completely natural. I could tell that she was happy to visit with me and we talked about a lot of things. At one point she said that my daughter was a credit to me and that I have done a wonderful job raising her. Sometime later she said, "I love you". I can't even begin to describe how that made me feel.

You see, I have always wanted a relationship with them even though M and I divorced. I think it's important to retain a good relationship - especially for my daughter. The fact is that I never divorced them. I was hurt for years that they didn't want to talk with me. I look back at it now and think that they just didn't know how to act. They felt uncomfortable. M's parents have been married 38 years. They married when she was 16 years old and pregnant with M. Not many people in their family have divorced and it is something foreign to them.

That is why yesterday was so very special to me. I think they feel comfortable now and I no longer have to feel bad about it. It's a really nice feeling.

They are leaving Wednesday to drive down to Florida. They are meeting M's sister, husband and kids at the airport when they fly in from England Thursday. Friday my daughter is going with M and his wife to Florida to spend the weekend. She is excited to spend time with her family and visit Disney. Her grandparents always go to Disney (almost once a year!) and she has been there so many times you would think she'd be bored to go. My daughter is leaving again with M to go down to Florida in three weeks, which is the last weekend his parents will be in the States before flying back home. It will be nice for her to spend time with her grandparents, aunt, uncle and cousins.

Yesterday I felt that a load I've been carrying for years was lifted.

I am so grateful.

Thank God the Blanket is Lifting

I'm feeling better today. The dark, heavy blanket of depression is lifting from my soul. I feel it physically. I don't know why it is lifting. I rejoice when it starts its ascent away from me.

When it descends or ascends I wrack my brain constantly on why. I try to figure out the trigger. I feel that I can prevent it from happening again if I know the trigger.

It is so strange because I can physically feel the depression before it takes its complete grip of me and when it is leaving me. I am so curious if others have experienced the same.

Thank God I am feeling better. In one sense I don't want to question why because I'm scared to tempt fate and bring it back again. However, I do question and no answer ensues.

Yesterday I worked 12.5 hours and today I plan to work 12. At least it didn't affect me financially this time. It's a lot of hard work catching up and I am completely tired of it all.

"I Don't Know What Your Problem Is"...Neither Do I

I'm at work today. Thank God is all I can say. I don't want to lose more days at work. I've missed too much as it is.

This morning it was HIGHLY difficult to get out of bed and come in. It took all of my willpower to do it. I felt so bad...so down...so YUCK. My husband kept telling me to get up. I finally did.

Before he left this morning he was picking on me and I was not very nice while saying "stop it". He looked at me and said "I don't know what your problem is". I just looked at him. I said "I don't feel well. Isn't it OK that I don't feel well sometimes?" He didn't say anything. I then said, "Don't you know me well enough by now to know what's wrong?" He said "No" and walked away.

He left the house.

I felt worse.

That is a bone of contention in this marriage. I don't understand why it's OK for him to not feel well, to rant and rave around the house when he is frustrated, angry, and mad; however, if I don't feel well, it seems to be not acceptable. It's like "What's wrong with you? Snap out of it!"

It makes him feel angry.

Why?

Sometimes I just wish he would come to me and give me a hug and say "I'm sorry that you don't feel well. I love you". Is that so difficult? Obviously it is.

The funny thing is that I feel worse because of the way he acts about it. I feel guiltier about having depression. I feel more abnormal. I feel that there is something I can and should do to "snap out of it", but I don't know what it is.

Sometimes I even feel that really I'm not depressed, I'm just lazy. I feel that it's all my fault and that really nothing is wrong with me. I feel like a terrible person.

I'm at work right now trying to work. It is very difficult. I'm very glad to be here. Anything is better than sleeping in the bed completely tired out because I'm so depressed. Anything is better than to see the look in my husband's face seeing me down like that.

My depression is what got us into the financial mess we are in. I am the breadwinner. I have paid the bills for the last five years while my husband tried to make his business work. Unfortunately for him it didn't work. We were still OK financially. But, I got sick...I was out of work...I was in the hospital for six weeks...No money meant I couldn't pay the bills, and on it went.

I've worked so hard my entire life for what? To feel this way and watch my life fall into shambles around me? I don't want this, who would want this?

The worst thing is that even when I feel sick I can't afford to be out of work. I have no right to be sick. That is what makes me angry is that I have no right to be sick neither financially or with my husband. He just gets so angry.

His anger compounds the problem and when I think I can drop no further, more space opens underneath me and the faster I fall. I still haven't figured out what happened to feel this way. I have wracked my brain and I just don't know.

It's funny because I was thinking last night that if you are diagnosed with a physical ailment such as diabetes, cancer, etc, and you have a day where you don't feel well, you can say "I don't feel well because I have diabetes, or I have cancer, etc". But it doesn't seem acceptable to say "I don't feel well because I have depression". If I experience a day where I mentally don't feel well I have to find some reason, some trigger. I think it could be possible that there isn't a trigger every time. I think it's possible that you can have a day when you aren't doing well.

I wish my husband would love me no matter what. I wish he would show his love to me in my darkest moments. I wish he accepted me. I wish he felt empathy towards me.

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My husband just called me at work. He asked what is wrong and he listened. He really didn't know what to say. He listened to me and I appreciate that. It's embarrassing to tell him that I'm depressed because I know that he doesn't understand. I feel worthless when I tell him.

He said today that me talking about feeling depressed is like speaking another language that he doesn't know. He said it's like him speaking Arabic to me...I don't understand him. When I talk with him about depression, he doesn't understand me.

I understand that he doesn't understand. I get it. I don't expect him to understand. Sure, I wish that he understood, but he doesn't and that is OK. I only wish that he didn't react the way he does to it. I don't think he can change that.

He said it may be better if he lived in an apartment and we saw each other on the weekends. Maybe that would be better. I really don't know. All I do know is that it makes me sad to hear him say it. I know that he loves me or he wouldn't care enough to even call me at work to talk about it.

I just feel very lost and don't know what to do.

All I do know right now is that I must get work done. If I am at least successful in that, possibly that will help me to feel better.

I really don't know, but as always I will try.

It's Happening Again...

Depression is wrapping it's tendrils around me again and I don't know why. It's difficult to talk or even write when I feel this bad. When depression hits it's like a very heavy blanket wrapping itself around my body and soul. I feel its heaviness physically. I feel horribly tired. I feel that my face is cement and I can't smile no matter what. I feel like my soul is bleeding and I can't stop the flow. I feel terribly lethargic and dead. I feel like I will never stop feeling this way. I hate this feeling and I want it to stop. I feel like it's my fault that I feel this way. I feel like no matter what I do to change my life it will never go away. I feel the older I get the worse it gets.

It is very scary.

Reading what I just wrote makes me feel like I can't even begin to express how I feel.

I didn't go to work today. For one I am very tired and two, I just can't concentrate feeling like this. My job demands concentration and it's not one of those jobs where you can just sit around for an hour here or there because every minute is counted. Everything is tracked by Microsoft Project and I have so many hours assigned to me for each task I am performing. Therefore, if I have 20 hours assigned to get a task done and I can't concentrate well or get it done, then it displays in black and white for everyone to see that I went over in my hours. It is then that people will start asking why I didn't get some task done in the time allotted.

Because of my personality I feel that I have to do a great job no matter what. Being a contractor makes me feel pressured in getting things done prior to when they are due. A combination of the two isn't really good because I pressure myself to work like a dog to get things done perfectly. I don't take breaks during work, and I eat lunch at my desk. That means that I work from the time I walk in the door until the time I leave except to go to the bathroom.

I'm always scared of losing my job because I'm a contractor. Not being at work doesn't help, though.

I have felt bad all week physically. Last week I felt that I had a UTI and went to the doctor last Friday night after work to discover that I have a bladder infection. I took antibiotics, but Monday and Tuesday it still hurt and I've felt like crap. Monday I missed work because I didn't feel well physically. Yesterday I went into work and now today I am missing work again. This time it's more because of feeling mentally sick versus feeling physically sick.

I hate this.

I just want to cry when I'm awake or sleep and never wake up.

My husband is at work right now which is a good thing. I'll be asleep by the time he gets home. He doesn't need to see me like this. He just gets upset and mad anyway about it, which isn't helpful to either of us. I feel guilty enough about it as it is.

My Dad Loves Spam

My Dad LOVES to forward e-mail to everyone on his list. Sometimes I open my e-mail account and find 10 or 12 e-mails forwarded from him and that is in only ONE day. The next day can be the same amount or more and before you know it my inbox is chock-full and I get antsy wanting to clean it out.



In the past I always read everything he sent. Not reading the e-mails made me feel disrespectful towards him and I didn't like the feeling. I would keep the e-mails until I had time and that worked for a while; however, it got to a point once where I didn't have time to read the e-mails over a few days and had over 100 waiting for me to read. So, I deleted all of them. It was difficult and I felt terrible.



Even though I didn't want to disrespect him, I felt a little disrespected. Didn't he realize that I wasn't retired like him and didn't have the time to look at them all? Didn't he realize that the e-mails would clutter my inbox and make me feel like reading them was one more responsibility I had added to my day? In all actuality, I felt spammed.



One day I realized that I had NEVER received an e-mail from HIM. They were all forwarded from someone else! That is the same day I realized that it was OK if I didn't read them all.



Today I received several forwards from him and I had time to read them. In comparison to what he has sent in the past, I felt one was the "Cream of Spam". Reading the following made me think of everyone who reads my blog and leaves comments:

The Whale

If you read the front page story of the SF Chronicle, you would have read about a female humpback whale who had become entangled in a spider web of crab traps and lines. She was weighted down by hundreds of pounds of traps that caused her to struggle to stay afloat. She also had hundreds of yards of line rope wrapped around her body, her tail, her torso, and a line tugging in her mouth.

A fisherman spotted her just east of the Farralone Islands (outside the Golden Gate) and radioed an environmental group for help. Within a few hours, the rescue team arrived and determined that she was so bad off, the only way to save her was to dive in and untangle her...a very dangerous proposition. One slap of the tail could kill a rescuer.

They worked for hours with curved knives and eventually freed her. When she was free, the divers say she swam in what seemed like joyous circles. She then came back to each and every diver, one at a time, and nudged them. Pushing gently around, she thanked them. Some said it was the most incredibly beautiful experience of their lives.

The guy who cut the rope out of her mouth says her eye was following him the whole time, and he will never be the same.

May you, and all those you love, be so blessed and fortunate to be surrounded by people who will help you get untangled from the things that are binding you.

And, may you always know the joy of giving and receiving gratitude.

That is what I feel towards everyone who takes the time to not only read my dribble, but also expends the effort in leaving a comment. Some of the comments have been so uplifting to me and I feel so grateful. I do feel very weighted down by what's going on in my life. I definitely feel tangled and gnarled and sometimes I feel that there is no possible way to stay afloat. Sometimes I want to drown. Reading your comments has helped me to feel free and I thank you.



This posting does not by any means come close to expressing what I'm trying to say. You see, I really have no one to talk to about the way I feel. I can't talk with my parents for various reasons (one is that they will be very judgmental of my husband and it doesn't help the situation). I haven't been able to talk with my husband about the way I feel because he is very stressed out with his job and our financial situation and every talk ends in a fight. I don't tell people I know what's going on either.



As I've previously posted, blogging has been so freeing for me. I feel a lot better getting this stuff out and on top of that there are actually people reading what I feel and commenting on it.



Thank you, thank you everyone. I hope that you can feel my gratitude.

Birthdays, Blog Addiction and Sunscreen

First off I want to sing Happy Birthday to John Finn:

Happy Birthday to You!

Happy Birthday to You!

Happy Birthday Dear John Finn!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Birthday to You!

Tonight instead of creating my own post I've been reading other blogs. It is so great to read other's ramblings and musings because not only do you get a different perspective, you also tend to forget your own problems.



One of my favorite songs came on tonight while reading blogs. Probably many of you have already heard it. Just in case, the lyrics are posted below along with a video of the song. I listen to this song at least once a day. Let me know what you think about it.

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Baz Luhrmann - Everybody Is Free (To Wear Sunscreen)

(Lyrics are below the video)

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Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '99...

Wear sunscreen.



If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.

I will dispense this advice now.



Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh never mind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.



You are not as fat as you imagine.



Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.



Sing.



Don't be reckless with other peoples hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.



Floss.



Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.



Remember the compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.



Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.



Stretch.



Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year olds I know still don't.



Get plenty of calcium.



Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.



Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.



Dance even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.



Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.



Do NOT read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.



Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good.



Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.



Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on.



Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.



Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.



Travel.



Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.



Respect your elders.



Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.



Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.



Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than its worth.



But trust me on the sunscreen...

February Can't Get Here Fast Enough

I'm trying something new today. I'm not posting directly to my blog...I am actually sending it via e-mail. I don't know if it will work and I won't know until tonight when I get home and can check it.

I am very depressed today. I am at work on my lunch break. I just received a call from a creditor. How did they get my work number? I haven't given anyone my work number except for family and friends. I am sitting here eating my sandwich and am reflecting on my life.

I have worked so hard for the past 18 years of my life for what?

To have creditors calling my work demanding money? I have always been able to pay my bills until going into the hospital. Losing my job didn't help either. Prior to the hospital my credit score was 782! Now it's somewhere around 450 - 480.

I appreciate the kind posts from visitors saying to not file bankruptcy. The reality is that I don't have any choice. I've talked with quite a few financial advisors and they all say the same thing. The bankruptcy attorney that I met also said the same thing - I need to do it.

At home I keep my ringer off of my telephone or just unplug it. I can't stand the constant ringing of collectors. Today the creditor said that I need to pay something or "further action will be taken". What does this mean? What can they do? It's embarrassing and scary...and I don't know what to do.

I want to pay everything I owe. I truly do. I can't, though. I am a failure. I'm not saying that for any response. I'm not fishing for people to say "no, you're not!". I am merely stating fact. A failure is called at work by a creditor demanding money. A failure can't pay their bills. A failure can't even afford to pay a bankruptcy lawyer to start bankruptcy proceedings! I wish that I could start it now. I have to wait for tax refund time in February. I don't know if I can wait that long. The pressure is too great.

I am tired. Yesterday after work I went home and cleaned the bathrooms and dusted everywhere, vacuumed, washed and put away five loads of laundry, made dinner (fish and potatoes...it was shockingly good), did dishes, did homework, checked a few blogs, posted a small comment in my blog and went to bed.

My husband and I aren't speaking. I never see him anymore anyway because he is working so much and when we do see each other we can only last about five minutes before a fight breaks out.
I want to cry. It takes everything to not cry.

When will this all end? Why have things gotten to this point? Will it ever get better?

I just can't stand it right now...

So Much to Say that I am Quiet

I haven't had any time to get online. I've missed blogging...A LOT! I can tell even more now when I haven't had a chance to do it that it's been very therapeutic for me.

From work I can check my e-mail and I see that people have been posting comments to my blog and I thank you all. It's wonderful to read them at work and gives me a smile at random times. New visitors have been posting comments and I thank you, too!

This weekend (Friday) I will have a chance to not only compose myself, but also compose a new entry for my blog. I am also going to visit the new visitor's blog as well.

Until then, take care!

What Would You Do?

I have a bit of a conundrum...and I am curious what others would do...

My husband's brother lives in the center of Paris. He has lived there for years and has been quite successful. He is 12 years older than my husband and has a 17-year old son named Ben who visits us in the States for two weeks each summer.

His brother is very nice and we get along great. He is married to a French woman who I don't really know and am not very impressed with. I don't want to judge because I've only been around her once during a week-long vacation they took here with us years ago. She is very quiet and aloof and has an arrogant air. She never looked happy and wasn't very social. I thought that it may be she was shy; however, I also noticed that she didn't even talk to Ben. In fact, every time she looked at Ben, which was rare, she would look at him with disdain. I didn't like that. Ben is not one of those teenagers that drive you crazy. He is highly intelligent and mature and anyone would be blessed to have him as a son. I have begged him to live here with us as an exchange student for a year because he is just that good!

My husband's brother has been over to visit us several times. The last time it was without his wife and he looked more peaceful and at ease. He has been urging us to visit him in Paris and we would tell him that of course we will as soon as we can. That is the truth...I would love to visit him in Paris! Another truth is that it's quite expensive to get three tickets to fly there and you need more money than what is needed for airfare.

Ben recently stayed with us and when he got back home my husband's brother called again asking us to visit them. My husband said what he normally says to him, "Yes, of course. We will visit as soon as we can!" and this time his brother wouldn't let it go. The following is a bit from their conversation:

Brother: You always say that, but never visit. Why not?
Husband: Well....
Brother: If you want to visit you would have by now. I've asked for six years for all of you to stay with me and you don't. Do you not want to stay with me?
Husband: Of course not!! We would love to stay with you!
Brother: Then what's the problem?
Husband: Well.................
Brother: Do you have a problem with me?
Husband: Not at all...it's just....well....we really can't afford it. As soon as we can afford it we will be there, but we haven't been able to yet.
Brother: Oh! If that's the case, when do you want to go?
Husband: What?
Brother: Yes, what dates do you want to go? I am going to purchase the tickets. When can your wife get off work?
Husband: Thank you so much, but you don't need to do this.
Brother: Of course I'm doing it! I want you all to stay with me and I'm getting the tickets. Let your wife know and call me back with the dates so I can go ahead and get them.
Husband: Thank you so much...
Brother: You don't need to thank me. I have the money and it's not a bother at all.
Husband: We will need to pay you back, though!
Brother: You don't need to, but you can if you like. (My husband told me that his brother said this because he wanted him to feel better about it.)

The conversation continued a bit.....then they hang up andmy husband tells me the news (they were speaking in French and Arabic and I couldn't understand what they were talking about. He told me the entire conversation and I was shocked, needless to say).

My husband said that we really needed to take him up on his offer because if we don't go his brother will become angry and feel insulted. My husband says that we have no excuse not to go now and we must.

OK, let's be reminded about something: I went to a bankruptcy attorney! I am going to start with proceedings once I have money from our yearly tax refund and can pay the attorney. It just doesn't seem right to jet off to France when I'm going to be bankrupt!

What would you do? My husband insists that we must go and constantly asks me for dates. His brother has now called our house three times asking for dates because he is a planner and wants to get the tickets.

I feel BAD even if I wasn't going bankrupt! I feel bad that his brother is going to buy them and they will be expensive! Flying to France in the summer is not cheap.

Though his brother never talked about it, we knew that he was financially well off. Just because he is well off doesn't mean that he should buy these tickets!

Not only that, he wants us to stay with him for two weeks!

And all I can think about is if we do go, of course we will need to pay him back and I can't even imagine owing more than I do already and having one more thing to worry about that is needing to be paid.

The irony is that if I were him, I would do the same thing and not think twice about it. If I had the money and wanted family to visit and found out they couldn't because it was too expensive for them, I would have thought the same thing. The difference is that it's NOT me buying the tickets. It's his brother...and I just really feel bad about that.

I Wish My Mind Had a "Power Off" Button

I worked Thursday and Friday 12 hours each day. I worked as well today for about six and I'm tired. After working today I went to the grocery store and came home and put it away, cleaned the kitchen and here I am.

I never see my husband. We merely pass through the house always walking the opposite direction from each other. I get home from work, he leaves for work. I leave for work, he is sleeping.

I never thought it would get to be this way.

My daughter has been staying at her Nana's house this weekend and comes home tomorrow. I'm happy for her because she loves staying there. It's a nice break for her.

Tomorrow I need to clean the house, wash clothes and do homework. I just can't wait.

You know, I just realized that this blog is becoming a sort of "To Do" list. Lately I have been writing either what work I've done or what work I need to do. How freakin' boring is that! I apologize. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in what I need to get done or what I've already done that it is all I can think about.

Sometimes I just can't shut my mind down and it's tiring.

Too Tired to Write...

I apologize, however I'm just too tired to write. Last night I was up too late doing homework and then today worked 12 hours and didn't get home until 9pm.

I accomplished a lot today and for that I am thankful.

Linda and Happy, I will read your blogs tomorrow night.

I hope that you all sleep well!

Nighty, Night.

Doing Something is Better than Doing Nothing

I didn't go to work today. Thank God it wasn't depression that kept me in bed. I am soooo grateful for that. I didn't go because I am damn tired. I think I've been doing too much. The last two days I've been dragging. Today I called into work and then went back to sleep...until 3:00pm!

It's 7:22pm and I'm tired still. I'm not going to stay up too late. To make up my hours, the following is my plan:

• Tomorrow: Work from 7:00am - 7:00pm (12 hours)
• Friday: Same (12 hours)
• Saturday: Work eight hours

Doing this will get me to my regular 40 hours a week and also have four hours overtime, which will be good.

I'm just going to be tired by Saturday, I can tell.

Sunday I'll need to do homework, wash clothes, clean house, etc.

It never ends.

About the attorney: I met the attorney yesterday and he spent a full hour with me. After reviewing my financial situation and pounding out numbers on his calculator, he said that I would most likely qualify for a Chapter 13 bankruptcy, which means that I will pay a portion of what I owe over a five-year period. That portion is determined by a government software program where he will enter all of my financial data and answer a lot of questions (he said it takes approximately three hours) and the magical number of what I need to pay each month will be displayed.

I wonder what that magical number will be.

Sitting there was a bit surreal because I never expected to ever even consider bankruptcy. In a way I wanted to cry because I thought of the way things have progressed that led me to sitting in that chair (I didn't cry, thankfully), but also it made me feel good that I'm doing something about this hell of a financial situation and though it's bleak and though it sucks and though it makes me feel humiliated, I'm doing something. It's better than doing nothing and having the calls and letters from creditors continue to stress me out. It also stressed me out because I felt embarrassed by all the calls and didn't want to deal with them. I felt even more that I was a failure.

Well, this failure has decided to go ahead with proceedings. It's really the only way out. It will be off my credit report in 10 years. OMG, I will be 45 by then.

In a way I was hoping that I would qualify for a Chapter 7 bankruptcy which means you are basically "graced" from your debt and don't pay back a dime. But then again I wanted the 13 because I did want to pay something towards it. I wouldn't feel as much of a failure if I did pay something.

The irony of it all is that I have to come up with $1445 before I can start the proceedings. I am completely bankrupt, really, and don't even have $384 to get a crown for my tooth that I desperately need (it's starting to hurt and become very sensitive), and I certainly don't have $1445 to pay the lawyer. It looks like I will have to wait until tax season in February and give him the money when I receive a tax refund.

So, I'll have to endure the calls and letters from creditors and hope that none of them place a lien on my house or something between now and then.

*sigh*

At least something will be done, though. I'm hanging onto that thought.

*yawn*

I am tuckered out.

Did too much today.

I can't even hardly type.

All I would like to say tonight is it would be nice if all of you could visit Happy's blog at http://happystill-nomatter.blogspot.com/. She has a nice posting out there about world events and I am curious what all of you think about it.

Today I went to the attorney.

I will go over that discussion tomorrow night.

Right now I need to sleep.

Good night!

Back to School

Did I mention that I am a college student? I attend Strayer University and hope that by the time I'm 94 I'll be able to wheel myself across the stage to receive my degree. Strayer operates in quarters versus semesters, which means that the classes go faster (11 weeks) because you can take more in a year and they are also accelerated, which also means there is a lot of material you cover in a mere week and it's difficult to keep up at times.

So far I have a 4.0 GPA and am on the President's List. It's funny because when I received the first letter from Strayer notifying me that I was on the President's List, the first I thing I did was call my Mom and tell her. I then realized that it doesn't matter how old you are, you still seek approval from your Mom..."Momma, guess what? I'm on the President's List!!"..."Oh, that is so wonderful. I am so proud of you"...*I beam with joy*

Sheesh.

I am currently a junior and seeking a Bachelor of Science in Information Systems degree. I plan to continue school after receiving my Bachelor's in order to get my Master's. I have been in the information technology (IT) field for eleven years and by the time I receive my Master’s it will be 15 years. 15 years experience with a Master's will be great and help financially in the future. Well, at least I hope that it does because I will have a student loan I need to pay.

I am also thinking about getting out of IT after receiving my degree and teaching at a university. I think it's great if a professor can bring real world experience to a classroom. I don't know...we shall see.

Classes started this week...oh my...here we go again. I hope I can make it to December 16th when classes are finished.

On another note I have been very busy. Yesterday I cleaned the house, washed all the clothes, sheets, towels, etc. I also got all of the paperwork I need to take for my appointment with the attorney tomorrow. I even created a spreadsheet that has all of the information of what I owe. I'm very curious about what he will say. When printed, the spreadsheet was 28,198 pages. (Well, OK, it wasn’t that bad, but it was certainly bad enough!)

Today I was up at 5:00am (shocking for me), at work by 6:45am, worked, picked up my daughter from school to take her to the orthodontist, went to the grocery store, got home and put on my sweats to mow the yard and rake. Afterwards I washed HoneyBunny (our dog), took a shower, made dinner, made lunch for tomorrow, did dishes and am now about to go to bed.

The house looks great, the yard looks great, the clothes are clean, HoneyBunny is clean, we have what we need from the store, lunch is made for tomorrow, and I am absolutely and utterly exhausted. It's strange though...just by doing these small things I feel better about myself. It's ridiculous to feel proud because you were able to do what "normal" people do every day of their lives. I used to be a "normal" person and was able to get it all done with no problem. In fact I never even thought about it. Ever since I landed in the hospital, sometimes brushing my teeth is a chore. Silly, isn't it? I honestly don't understand it.

Anyway, I'll just take the good out of feeling successful at these small things, keep my head high and keep going. It would be nice if this continues and I can become "normal" again.

Oh, and one more thing...my husband and I haven't fought. But, then again, I haven't seen him because he's been at work so much. I am grateful that we haven’t fought today and yesterday. I hope that it continues.