Time to Give Thanks

It is 1:00am and I am taking a break for a few minutes while waiting for the pumpkin pie to be ready to pull out of the oven. I've been cooking since getting home around 7:00pm. The kitchen is a mess. I try hard to be organized and keep everything clean while cooking and it was not a successful night tonight trying to do that. After posting this I'll get back in that kitchen and clean like crazy.

I started the night by taking pictures to post on the blog, but that wasn't successful either because my daughter's digital camera went loopy and cut off and didn't cut back on (bad news because it did this even after putting in fresh batteries) and my husband's digital camera battery is dead. So, not many pictures were taken and am a bit bummed by that. I thought it would be fun to post the pictures especially for all of you overseas. I plan to take pictures tomorrow and will post them here this weekend.

Tomorrow twelve people will be eating lunch with us along with my parents, my husband's sister and her family and a friend of my husband's from university. My Mom is making macaroni and cheese and a broccoli salad. I'm making the turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes (not out of a box but the real ones), stuffing, three-layer pumpkin pie, squash casserole, peas, french bread, sweet potato casserole and cranberry sauce. Tonight I've made everything except the turkey, gravy and stuffing. I should get up by 7:00am in order to pop the turkey in the oven in time and we'll eat by 1:00pm. I just hope that I'll be able to get all of the food on the table at the same time and it will all be hot. That is definitely an art that I don't possess. We shall see.

While cooking I was listening to the radio and a song that I loved as a teenager from "The Fixx" played called "One Thing Leads to Another". The first time I heard it was one of the rare times I saw my biological father named Jim. He was visiting his Mom and she picked me up to go to her house so that I could see him (note, so that I could see him because he never visited me). He had the song on a tape in his car and I went nuts. I played it over and over again and begged him for the tape. I remember he wasn't happy giving it to me but did anyway. Hearing the song made me wonder what he was doing tonight. What will his Thanksgiving be like tomorrow? Is he happy? Does he think about me? I haven't seen him for twelve years. The last time I spoke with him on the telephone was approximately eight years ago. I had called asking if we could have lunch together. I told him that I was hoping that maybe we could get to know each other as adults. He actually said, "Well I understand why you would want to see me. I do the same as you. I want to go see my parents because they are a point of reference to me. It is good to see them and project how you will age". I was flabbergasted. He thought I wanted to see him to see how I would age! He said that we would get together for lunch and he would contact me and of course he never did.

I remember being pregnant with my daughter almost sixteen years ago and speaking with him on the phone. As always I had called him. We had a huge spat to the point that I was almost hyperventilating (he and my husband are the only people in this world that have made me that upset) and he asked me, "Why do you keep trying to be my friend?"

Unbelievable.

I did call him sporadically over the years (maybe twice after that?) and I have to ask myself why did I keep trying to be his friend? Thinking about it all now makes me want to cry. Tears appear but don't fall. My heart falls though. I never understood why he didn't love me or was there for me or why he had nothing to do with me. I blamed myself as a child and always felt rejected because of it. Now that I'm 37 it's easier and don't blame myself anymore. He is bipolar and definitely has issues. I guess I will just always wonder, "What if?" I am curious if he will ever call if he discovers that he is terminally ill or is on his deathbed. I have a feeling that he will not. Why start then? I think I will go to my grave never understanding him. I am his only child with his only grandchild. That doesn't seem to matter to him. I don't think it ever will.

Wow, what a morose conversation at 1:47am. I've been running back and forth to check on the pumpkin pie. It's still too wet in the middle and still cooking.

The video is below. It's quite hilarious to watch because it's so 80's. I wonder what the band members think about that video when they watch it in 2008. They must smile like you do when seeing a picture of yourself wearing some crazy outfit like parachute pants and the Members Only jacket or the classic mullet hairstyle.




I found the following cartoon on the Internet:

I have to say that I never understood why we celebrate Thanksgiving. The intention of Thanksgiving is to give thanks. The American Indians celebrated Thanksgiving with the Pilgrims and it is because of the American Indians that we learned how to catch eel and grow corn and look what we did to them. That's a lot thanks, now isn't it?

At times I feel it's embarrassing to be an American when I think of certain events that occurred in American history.

I just realized that this post is going all over the place. Let me get it back to the topic, which is giving thanks. At this time of year I would like to list what I'm thankful for below.

• I am very thankful for my daughter. She is the light of my life and if it wasn't for her I am sure that I would have offed myself ages ago.
  
• I am very thankful for my husband. Yes, he drives me insane. He has good intentions, though. He has issues like the rest of us and he has really been working to improve himself and our relationship. He has been very good to my daughter over the years. That says a lot considering the fact that he has never had children.
• I am very thankful for my Mom. Sometimes she drives me crazy and the more I understand her the sadder it makes me sometimes, but I just need to learn to accept and move on. She is a good mother and tried her best. Sometimes it wasn't good enough, but she honestly couldn't help it. She was adopted by a 50-year old couple who had never had children and weren't affectionate. They did wonderful things for her and took great care of her, but they could be quite cold at times and because of them my Mom was an adult at five years of age, or at least she was expected to act like one.
• I am very thankful for my stepfather. He had been previously married prior to marrying my Mom and had three children ten years older than me. He always told everyone that he had four children and always treated me like his own. If it wasn't for him and my Uncle Jimmy I would really hate men, I think. They taught me how to be treated and valued me unconditionally. I am eternally grateful. It was recently Daddy's birthday and he went away for the night and I wasn't able to see him. I ordered a birthday cake and tomorrow after Thanksgiving lunch I am going to put candles on the cake, light them up and walk out singing "Happy Birthday". He will absolutely love it. He loves special attention like sometimes.
• I am very grateful that my cousins and I were reunited this past year. I need to write about that sometime. I grew up with them and spent a lot of time with them every summer and over the holidays as a child. I consider them to be the sisters I never had. I love them dearly and am absolutely thrilled that we are now talking with each other, spending time together and being in each others lives. I never thought that would happen and the miracle occurred.
• I am so very thankful for my dog named HoneyBunny. She is such a wonderful superhuman and I adore her more every day.
  
• I am very thankful to be able to attend university and finally get my degree one day.
• I am very thankful to have a job during these tough economic times. Though I can't stand it most of the time at least I am able to pay the bills.
• I am thankful that I made the decision to start the women's boot camp and will be starting this Monday. For once I am doing something for myself and am proud about that.
• I am thankful that the store I shop for clothes at had a "buy one, get one free" sale and that I also had a coupon for $75.00 off. I went shopping today before coming home to cook because I just wanted to feel nice tomorrow with a new outfit. I haven't bought myself an outfit in years and am tired of wearing the same thing every weekend. It becomes depressing over time. I just wanted to feel good about myself. It will feel good to put on new clothes. I haven't experienced that feeling in years. I even bought some new pajamas. This is embarrassing to say, but I have three other pajamas that I have worn for eight years now. They all have holes in them in a lot of different places, the hem is gone and they are falling apart. It was depressing to see myself like that night after night. I can't wait to put on my new pj's. I'll feel like a different person.
• Last and most certainly not least, I am so thankful to each of you who visit my blog. I am so very grateful for the people who have commented in my blog and have given so much support over this past year. I am continually amazed by the people who lift me up mentally and spiritually through this blog. I hope that you realize what an impact you have had on my life. You have helped me to get better and get through this journey of life. I wish that I could invite you all for dinner tomorrow and you could join me. I just wish that I could give each of you a hug.
• I would especially like to thank Linda, Daisy, John Finn, HappyStill and Zathyn Priest. We all found each other when I first started this blog and you all have been so very supportive and empowering to me. I cannot begin to thank you all enough. 
• I am also thankful that I am able to buy all of the Thanksgiving food and cook it tonight and tomorrow. Seriously, America is in a war (two in my opinion - Afghanistan and Iraq) and you would never know it really. Most Americans don't realize how lucky they are compared to many nations around the world.

To end this post I would like to share some Thanksgiving humor. I hope that you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving and if you don't celebrate this holiday, I hope that you have a wonderful day tomorrow.

 

 

My Poetry: Imagination

Imagination
Liquid,
Melting...
Pooled across my bed.

Thoughts,
Drifting...
Visions of you in my head.

Sweet,
Salty...
The taste of us combined.

Imagination,
On fire...
You do it for me every time.

Note:
I love this poem..not just for the images displayed in it, but it actually rhymes. None of my poems ever rhyme, it seems.

Mental Floss

I haven't been able to blog for days. I think about it when I'm not able to write and it bothers me. Blogging has been quite good for my mental health and it's an activity I need to do no matter what...kinda like flossing. It's just flossing of the mental state. It's been wonderful to grab that tacky, plaquey debris stuck to my soul and clean it away.

I have the card above and absolutely love it. I actually had quite a few of them and sent them to others over time. I kept the last one for myself. Actually, thinking about it, I have a lot of interesting cards that I would like to put in a book one day. It would be a great coffee table book versus them sitting in a box like they have for years. One more project I would like to do eventually.

Speaking of projects, I am feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. There is homework galore along with a ten-page paper due a week from today which I haven't had the chance to even start working on. Not only that but I have to work Monday through Wednesday this week and work a bit of overtime since we are off Thursday and Friday for the Thanksgiving holidays.

Speaking of Thanksgiving, twelve people are coming to the house for lunch and I have to have the house clean, get the grocery shopping done and cook, cook, cook. I told my husband and daughter that they are in charge of the cleaning and I will take care of the groceries and cooking. I would much rather clean, believe me. It wouldn't take as long and then I could relax while the cook spent all Wednesday night cooking herself and the food to death.

It will be a good thing, though and I look forward to the holidays. I am just overwhelmed because my personality is the type that I want everything to be perfect and great and I worry that I'll burn something, not do something right or not pull it off on time. Cooking is an art and it's important how you cook and in what order you cook so it all arrives steaming hot to the table at the same time. There have been many times my guests waited quite a while for food because I can't get the knack of it all just yet. Maybe it's a life lesson along with so many other things to learn.

Oh, I lost a pound, by the way. ONE POUND! Actually, though, if you think about it, I lost about six because I had gained weight before when I first started talking about my weight issues. I then lost it and an extra pound, so I can now update my weight goal here on the blog. I am very curious if I'll be updating the goal after Thanksgiving because I gained weight. I'll then be back to 0%! I won't worry about that just yet because it's quite difficult to diet on turkey day.

There is a "boot camp" for women in my area which I start the Monday after Thanksgiving. It's a very neat concept because the guy who owns the company is a personal trainer who used to be in the Army. I attended boot camp years ago after joining the Navy (though I'm not in anymore) and was in the best shape of my life after they killed us in boot camp. I would go back to boot camp just for that if I had the chance. Since I don't, I'm going to try this program. Basically you go three times a week and he kicks your butt. I need that and really look forward to going. He even goes over nutrition with you. The group size is ten women at a time so the class isn't large. We'll see how this goes. It will be interesting.

Now back to reading about floats, doubles, ints and arrays in my C++ programming textbook.

Oh, joy.

More Poetry

The Kiss
Intensity swirling dark and light through my mind.
Emotions are deep and breath is shallow.
Cocoons burst open, revealing beautiful butterflies in my stomach.
The feeling is too great and too soon.
Kindness, passion and friendship can be felt more through it.
However, it all ends too quickly for your lips are no longer on mine.

Note:
I wrote this when I was 19 years old for my ex-husband before we were married. This poem was the first non-depressing poem I was able to write in my entire life. I thank him for that.

Old Poems

I found quite a few old poems that I wrote years ago. I posted my poems on an old website I created way before blogging ever started. It's interesting to me how though years pass, thoughts and feelings can remain. I'll post some of these old poems over time as I feel like it.

Here is one to start it off:


Depression

The feeling lives in my soul like maggots feasting on meat. The feeling of being miserable is so much a part of me....

Sometimes depression engulfs me and I feel as if I've been swallowed by a black hole. I'm totally lost - there's no light and I'm exhausted from the quick journey into it.

I no longer cry out for help. I used to, and as a result, got further to the center of that void. The center is called Death and I think it would give me peace. I have tried to journey there, however the survivor who lives in the cold, lonely corner of my soul would free itself from the chains and remind me she's there. Then, like a beacon, she'd point me back through the Hell until, with her help, I would crawl out of that hole.

I thank God for her. I just hope one day I can make her proud. Maybe then she can live in a nice, warm, lit room in the middle of my soul and celebrate because we both lived through it all.

Note (wrote this note when I was 29...I am now 37 and feel the same):
I cannot remember what age I was when I wrote this poem. I think I was 19 and living in Scotland at the time. What I find most surprising is though I am nearly 30, I still feel the exact, same way in certain moments of my life. Time doesn't change everything.

Sabotage No More

I have sabotaged myself long enough. Today was a much better day because I actually got off my fat behind and got busy. For starters I actually exercised by taking HoneyBunny for a walk. She and I were both out of breath by the time we got home, but we did it and HB was SOOOOO happy about it. She loves walking. I wish I did. I hated every step I took but just put one foot in front of the other and kept going. I cannot believe that years ago I was a cross-country runner and actually ran 10 miles a day. Right now I can't walk even a mile without thinking I'm going to die. I had great legs back then. In fact, I remember I could eat anything in the world and not gain an ounce. Right now I think about food while walking and gain weight. Hopefully, the tide will turn soon.

I picked up my daughter from practicing for a Christmas play at a local church. I then went shopping for HB and got her a little harness. With the way she walks so excitedly with the leash, she jerks her head forward a lot and chokes herself and hacks and coughs. The dog harness is much better and she didn't gag once. It even felt like there was more control while walking her because her jerking her head forward didn't affect me at all while using the harness.

I've been working on homework today and though I'm still behind I feel better about it because at least some tasks are being accomplished.

I took a shower after the walk and dried my hair and am now eating a nice salad. I love fruits and vegetables and am currently eating a mixture of carrots, green peppers, cucumbers, tomatoes, chickpeas, olives, almonds, a little feta cheese and a boiled egg. I don't use salad dressing because it's not needed. I like the taste just the way it is.

Today I was thinking about how difficult it is at times to get going on tasks that need to be completed because it seems so overwhelming, but once you do get started it gets easier and I've even experienced periods of relief today. When I don't get done what I need to I just feel so horribly lazy and that always makes me feel worse and has the opposite affect on me wanting to get stuff done. Nike has a good slogan..."Just do it". I need to remember that and not get so caught up on the negatives. Sometimes I try so hard to be perfect that if I can't finish a task perfectly I don't want to even start and then I get behind and then I feel bad and then I feel overwhelmed and then I feel depressed and anxious and then it's even more difficult to JUST DO IT.

So, I'm doing it today. I am going to continue. The sabotaging has to stop. It's so ridiculous when I think about it.

MeMe

Kayla from OCD Lives Here tagged me with the following...

The tag rules are as follows:

1. Each player starts with eight random fact/habits about themselves.
2. People who are tagged need to write in their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
3. At the end of your blog post tag eight people and list their names.
4. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’ve been tagged and to read your blog.

My 8 random facts:

1. I used to be in the Navy and was a Mineman (built/maintained underwater mines, or bombs).
2. While in the Navy and living in Scotland, the Commander in our unit killed himself the weekend before he was to go back to the States. He had sex with different girls in our unit who were not officers like himself (big no-no in the Navy), showed favoritism towards these girls, contracted a venereal disease with one of them and gave that gift to his wife. He was being sent back to the States to be punished because of his behavior (one of the people who got in trouble all of the time was sick of the other girls being favored constantly and not having to work and reported him. Admirals flew in, lie-detector tests were performed and he got popped). The night he killed himself I was on duty and was asked to identify his body. He had died by driving his motorcycle the fastest he could go on this little Scottish road and ran head-on into another car that a pregnant woman was driving. His body ended up in the top of a tree. I never knew what happened to the pregnant lady. All I know is that it was the first time I did not follow an order because I said I shouldn't be the one to go, that the senior watch officer in charge should go. He ended up going, thank God. I didn't want to see that. I was 18 years old.
3. As you see, I can be wordy at times.
4. I thought about how fat I am today and wanted to kill myself. This is nothing new.
5. I am going to university and currently have a 4.0 GPA and if I don't get my butt in gear I'll lose it because I am very far behind in schoolwork. It feels overwhelming.
6. I went skydiving and loved it. Jumped out of a plane at 13,000 feet and it was a spiritual experience. I would do it again.
7. I plan to use my tax money and visit Morocco this summer. I usually pay bills with it but not this time. It becomes a bit embarrassing to answer "no" when people ask if I've visited where my husband is from and we've been together almost nine years now.
8. I love a slice of lemon in my water. I even wedge a slice of it into my bottled water before going to work in the morning.
   

I'll tag and you play if you would like:

1. Linda
2. Daisy
3. Hope 
4. Eccedentesiast 
5. La 
6. Crotchety Old Man
7. Annie's Rexia 
8. Stephany
   

Didn't get any schoolwork done but am going to try and go to sleep. I hope to get it done tomorrow.

Talk about sabotaging myself...sheesh.

Insomniac

It's 2:32am and I cannot sleep. I have a feeling this will be a long night and sleep will not arrive. I did try going to sleep by cutting off the light, laying there for a while, tossing, turning, and finally getting up and lugging my laptop to the living room so that I don't wake my husband. I also have my C++ programming textbook with me. I need to read, read, read and write a few computer programs and I guess this would be a great time to do it. The house is silent and this would be the best time.

If I could think....

If I could focus....

this would be the best time.

I am going to try. I will feel really happy if I can get through all of these pages and write these programs. I won't feel so overwhelmed with it all and then tomorrow I can work on sociology.

I wonder if I can do this. We shall see.

Periods Rule My Life

I wrote the following this past Wednesday at work. I can't sign into Blogger to post from work so I e-mailed it to myself and am just now getting a chance to paste it below.

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I feel another wave of desolation and hopelessness wash over my soul. I sit here at work and can't even concentrate on the task at hand because I feel the descent down the spiral of depression mentally, emotionally and physically. About thirty minutes ago I was talking with two friends at work and for no reason whatsoever wanted to cry. I even had to excuse myself because the feeling was so overwhelming. I sat down at my desk and felt my body descending to the void and got caught up with the feeling for a few minutes without even realizing.

All of a sudden I felt a cramp and realized...my monthly friend is about to visit! That is what is going on! I felt relieved a bit because there was an explanation for this sudden mood change.

Now I sit here and ask why it has to be this way. I feel very ignorant because this happens every time right before my period and I don't immediately think to myself that it's not the depression but the period itself. Then when I feel the cramping it then dawns on me what's going on. When I get caught up in that fast descent into the pits of Hell I am so stuck in that moment that I don't even rationalize or think about it. It is just pure emotion. I feel like this:

Now realizing my monthly friend is about to make her lovely appearance I feel better now.

On another note...why do we call it our "monthly friend"? Is it a she or he or it? If it's a she, is she really our friend? I hate the word "period" as well, so what's a better word to use? For my international readers, what do ya'll call it?

And on another note, is our period really that necessary? Why couldn't we be like a man with eggs swimming around instead of sperm with no side effects? Why do we pay every month for having the ability of producing babies? Don't get me wrong, I am so happy to have had my daughter and wouldn't trade it for the world, but I was in labor for 22 hours and it ended with an emergency c-section, an internal infection and a fever of 104 degrees Fahrenheit. At one point I had a contraction for five minutes and a nurse had to rush in and give me a shot to stop the contraction only to then have another shot to start the contractions all over again. I even experienced what my Momma calls "Twilight Sleep" because I would be asleep from being so exhausted, wake up while having a painful as hell contraction only to immediately fall asleep as soon as the contraction was over. I didn't even know my name during that part of the labor.

Wow, I feel even better already writing about this. I hate my "monthly friend", "monthly cycle", "period" or whatever you want to call it. It rules my life every month.
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It is now Saturday and I feel much better now. My period is almost over and the pain is gone.

I am soooo behind in my schoolwork. I haven't had a chance to blog much or even read my favorite blogs and leave a comment. I will do that as soon as I can catch up with school.

Oh, and by the way. I've gained six more pounds. I think I should have a goal to gain weight and I would most definitely make it. Sheesh...

Grooming and Gas Prices

My sweet little dog named HoneyBunny got groomed yesterday and here she is in all of her splendor and gorgeous elegance:

I apologize for the resolution of the pictures. I took them with my mobile phone.

I love this superdog.

I could not believe the gas price today. It was $1.79 a gallon! Just a few weeks ago it was over $4.00 and killing the bank account.

I wonder how long this will last. Probably about as long as HoneyBunny's grooming.

Feeling the Burn

I'm finally doing better once again. I sound like a broken record. Friday I felt the depression lifting...it's such a physical sensation. Yesterday I continued to progress and today is even better. I am tired, though. Coming out of a depressive episode can be such an exhaustive event. Today I've been working on schoolwork. It's mid-term week and I wish that I could just take a nap. No time for that today. Hopefully I won't be up tonight late finishing homework.

Last night a realization occurred. I am like a boat floating on the water and my husband is the weather. When the weather is good and moods are high, the boat floats happily in the shining sun. When the tropical storm gathers force the little boat braces itself and is ready for anything. As the violent winds toss the boat this way and that structural damage occurs and it takes time and energy to rebuild.

I have never met anyone like my husband. I love him. That has never changed. It's so strange because we really don't have a problem with each other. We do have a problem with how he reacts to his environment because it affects all of us. He is highly sensitive to light, sound, touch, cold, heat, and is very intuitive to the emotions of people around him. He demands respect from everyone on the planet and it can really disturb him if he feels that he doesn't receive the respect he deserves. His first reaction to any negative emotion he may feel is anger. He is quick to react and his anger can go from zero to 1000 in a split-second. At times I watch him rev his anger engine and am amazed at how he can start talking about something and his engine starts up, it then purrs along and before you can blink it's screeching up to the ceiling. It's unbelievable to watch. A lot of times I sit there silently during these moments watching a catastrophe occur.

In the beginning I didn't know how to react. A lot of times I reacted by shouting like him. Other times I was silent and held everything inside with my gut wrenching. Over time I became silent and just watched. Watching him really helped in learning more about him.

It's so ironic because in most ways he is like an 84-year old man even though he's 34. He is highly mature, wise and way beyond his years. Yet at the same time he has this very immature side to him that reminds me of a 5-year old boy stomping his foot and yelling at the top of his lungs when he's angry. It's obvious he never learned how to effectively deal with his emotions. He deals with them through anger and that certainly is not effective.

He hates this about himself. He wants to change. He's not a bad person. He is a lovely person, actually and is a magnet for everyone who meets him. He is pure energy and is like a candle burning at both ends. You can get burned in the process if you are too close. It is exhausting to be around such a serious and passionate person. At times I hold my head and wonder how I can do it for much longer because I am very tired.

Death on the Brain

Am I the only person who thinks about suicide on a daily basis? I can be walking down the street and something happen and my mind whispers, "I want to kill myself". I think about death a lot and if it weren't for my daughter I'm sure my life would have ended ages ago.

Is there some neuroprocessor in my brain that is fixated on death? I don't consciously think of death. I don't dream of death. My waking mind does though for no apparent reason and I'm frankly tired of it.

I've realized that these fantasies of death and suicide occur because I just want the pain to stop. That's all it boils down to. I just want it to end.

I can't imagine being like this for the next 50 years or more. I say "or more" because my paternal great-grandmother died one month prior to her 111 birthday. Surely, I can't imagine living that long like this.

Do you think about death or suicide much or do I represent the minority in this?

Another Journey Down the Desolate Path

Things haven't been going so well. My depression is acting up and once again my husband is angry. He told me today that he just doesn't understand me at all. I told him that I don't want to be with him anymore. I am tired of taking care of him all of the time and he isn't there for me. Once again he is displaying the same old behaviour as two years ago where he hasn't talked to me or had anything to do with me while I've been bad off. Actually today is the first day he has asked how I am because earlier this morning I told him that I want to be with someone who I could be there for while they were there for me and if I couldn't find it I just wouldn't be with anyone.

I really don't think it's out there when I think about it. I don't think that there is a couple who is there for each other. It's only Hollywood that makes those types of couples.

The last few depressive episodes he wasn't angry and much more supportive. I don't know what happened this time.

He says that I'm needy during these times. It's ironic that he says that because these past few days I haven't called him while he was out of the house or asked him to do anything for me. He can be in his studio the entire time and I don't say squat to him.

Last night I told him that I am appalled with how he has ignored me and treated me while I've been down.

I'm tired of this shit. And that is what it is...shit.

My mind is rambling.

If you only knew how down and depressed and full of anxiety my husband can be. If you only knew how I support him in every way. If you only knew what goes on in this house. I don't even write about it. I live it every day.

And I'm tired.

Really damn tired.