Thursday, December 18, 2008

Objectivity Sorely Needed

As you can very obviously see, I have installed a poll widget on my blog because I desperately need some objectivity and would like to know how you would feel.

Tonight my husband and I were talking about a good friend of mine who recently is having marriage problems and is currently staying in a hotel. We talked about asking her to stay with us if she would like as not to incur a lot of expenses during this difficult time. Out of the blue my husband said how nice it would be to go and stay in a hotel by himself sometimes to get away from it all. He has never talked about this before or done it (neither have I). To make a very long story short, here are the two sides:

  • Husband: He said that it should be no big deal at all if he wants to do this. He thinks that it is absolutely healthy for people to want time on their own and go to a hotel room. He said that as long as the person isn't going to the hotel to be with someone nor does something wrong that it should be OK and I have a problem when I don't agree with him.
  • Me: I think that it is perfectly natural to want time on your own; however, I don't understand why you would want to get a hotel room and spend the night away on your own to have that time. In my opinion, if a spouse or significant other wants to do this, it signals that there is an issue with the relationship and it's a big red flag. I also don't understand why he would want to do this if he's not angry or something. Why wouldn't he want me to be with him? I am not a problem in his life. Why can't he go somewhere for the day, or go for a walk, drive, or something when he wants time on his own? Actually, when I think about it, he is on his own all day long (he is a student and has a highly flexible schedule) and I'm only home during the week after work at night. So, in this case, why does he need or want additional time on his own? Why does he want to sleep somewhere else?
Please note that just the other night we had a horrible argument where he was screaming that he wants a divorce because he is sick and tired of me. This and a lot of other things have over time made me feel very insecure in the relationship and when he talks about doing this, warning bells just ring like hell in my mind.

So, with objectivity and not taking into account what I have written, please check how you would feel in the poll above. Multiple answers are acceptable. You don't have to check just one option.

Thanks a bunch.

American Cheese at it's Best

Oh my word, is all I can say. It's a bit long but the first minute or so is enough to see the display. The house has 210,000 Christmas lights and is located in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Can you imagine their electricity bill?

People in our neighborhood had their lights up on Thanksgiving Day. It didn't seem quite right to see Santa blinking in the yard when the turkey was still in the oven.


Thursday, December 11, 2008

Up All Night

It's 2:44am and I'm awake. From sleeping so much during this depressive episode (my lovely downward spiral), now I can't sleep even though my body is tired. It's more like my eyes and head are tired. Everything else is awake. I tossed and turned for a while until finally getting up because I couldn't stand it anymore and fired up the laptop. I'm behind in my schoolwork and next week is the last week (Thank God!) and I need to get things done, so I'm going to work on my C++ programming class work.

I've decided to stay up since I need to be getting ready for work in three hours and 45 minutes anyway. By doing this I'll make sure not to oversleep and will be dead tired tomorrow evening. Maybe I will be able to sleep well and then wake up early Friday morning and get my circadian rhythm going again in the right direction.

I made it into work today again at 11:30am. Yes, once again late, but I made it. The bad thing about getting there late is working late, but I'm not complaining. It was difficult to interact with everyone, but by tonight I was finally able to smile for the first time. Maybe I'm back in the upswing now. I certainly hope so.

Damn this depression.

On another note, I cannot begin to thank all of you for your support, advice and just plain listening (reading) to me. You have all helped so much more than you realize and I thank God for you all. When you post a comment here it e-mails me and I check it from time to time at work. Opening my e-mail and finding all of your comments have bolstered me through hurricane winds. Your comments have also given me much to think about and it's been very helpful.

I would also like to thank John D. at the Storied Mind. If you haven't ever visited his blog, please do so. I have been admiring the beauty of his blog for ages. Not only is it so very aesthetically pleasing to the eye with gorgeous colors, art, etc, the writing is extraordinary and has helped me a lot. He left a comment on my blog stating that he gave me an award called "The Lemonade Award" and here it is:

The rules of this award are as follows:
  • Put the logo on your blog or post.
  • Nominate at least 10 blogs which show great Attitude and/or Gratitude!
  • Be sure to link to your nominees within your post.
  • Let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
  • Share the love and link to this post and to the person from whom you received your award.
It will be difficult to pick only ten blogs that display great attitude/gratitude because there are so many inspirational blogs out there. The following blogs signify the ones that really kept me going during very dark times, who have made me smile or laugh like crazy when I never thought I could again and also from people who have supported me so very much that I will never be able to repay all the goodness they have put into my life. I would like to give this award to the following bloggers:

  • Linda - You are the first to comment in my blog and the first blogger I met. You have tirelessly supported me through thick and thin and have taught me quite a bit. If only I lived in Australia, I would take you out for coffees and appletinis. Your writing continues to amaze me and I have so much enjoyed watching how your writing continues to get better and better. It's always been so good I can't imagine it getting any better, but it does! Oh, and by the way, my favorite still is the story you wrote when you were a teen about the girl walking out of the surf onto the beach. I still laugh when I think about it now! I have a special gift that I'm sending to Australia very soon as soon as I get caught up with things and can get to the post office. You are a gem and I love ya!!
  • Daisy - You are such a very special girl who really has her head on right and I admire you so very much. If only I were like you when I was young and your age! Thank you for always e-mailing me to check in. You are a beauty.
  • John Finn -  I found you via BlogRush when I saw your blog name of "Curdled: A Life Gone Sour". The name MADE me click on the link and I have never been disappointed that I did. Your life is so interesting, so mysterious and keeps me coming back to learn more about you. Your writing is great, you have had me in stitches laughing at times and I've even gasped "Oh my GAWD!" at times when reading what drama is happening in your life. Your support is much appreciated and your friendship is treasured.
  • John D - Yes, I realize you gave me the award, but I didn't read any rule that says you can't re-gift it, so there you go! Your blog has been an inspiration to me and I thank you for all of your hard and serious work. Your writing is beautiful and I have always been excited to visit you and see what your next topic would be.
  • Brent Diggs - I don't know how many times I have been completely in the dumps and visited your blog and smiled for the first time in a week as the page opened. Your writing is great, you have a wonderful sense of humor and your imagination is spectacular. I have always loved how you have such a sense of family as well. Please tell Dr. Toboggans that I miss him DEARLY, that is if you've found him, yet. I have a feeling he lives with you and eats your Frosted Flakes at 3:00am while you're sleeping and also deletes all of your blog posts which is why you seem to not have written as much lately. :) One last thing, I think it was so wonderful that you have taken a break from blogging and are blogging on your own terms now. You are working on that balance in your life and it's something that I need to do more often. Thank you for everything, Brent. You make a big impact on people's lives and I'm sure you don't even realize it.
  • Soulful Sepulcher - You are THE WOMAN! The fearless Momma Bear breaking boundaries and fighting for your daughter to the end. Oprah Winfrey needs to recognize you on "The Best Mother Ever" show. You have fought so long and so hard and you keep ticking. Thank you so much for sharing your life in the blogosphere. The way you blog about pharmaceutical companies and the way you educate your readers is wonderful. Thank you for everything.
  • Crotchety Old Man -Old Man, you make me smile and that says a lot coming from a chronically depressed person. :) Thank you for your kind words and your support. You are so very much appreciated. I want to see a picture of your ramp painted red!!
  • Annie - You have been through so very much and you keep ticking as well. You are a superbly special soul and I hope one day you realize that because guess what? We certainly all see it. Thank you for sharing your life and really putting it out there. It takes a lot of courage and I admire you a lot.
  • Immi -  Thank you so much for your support and concern. Thank you as well for educating your readers the way you do in your blog. Awareness is so highly important and you are doing everyone so much good just by being you. Thank you.
  • Seaneen - I've just been getting to know you and I love you! You are such an inspiration to me. Keep doing what you're doing. You are very courageous as well and you are helping loads of people with your blog. I look forward to continuing to get to know you as I visit your blog more in the future.
If you haven't visited these bloggers, please do. You'll be glad that you did.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Some Things Never Change

Warning. If you are in a bad place, don't read this now. It may not help you a bit and if anything may make you feel worse. I don't want to trigger anyone.

I made it into work today. I didn't get there until around 11:00am, but at least I was there. When finally able to get myself out of the bed my internal dialogue went something like the following:

  • I don't want to go to work.
  • I can't face people today.
  • I can't interact.
  • I won't be able to focus.
  • What the hell am I doing?
  • Who am I kidding?
  • I am a loser.
  • Thank God the world doesn't depend on me to get things done or we would be extinct.
  • What an arrogant thing to think!
  • The economy is in shambles and I can't get out of bed? I could lose my job for gawd's sake and here I am not able to go because of what? BECAUSE I AM A LOSER!
  • Do I really have depression or am I just a loser who is lazy as hell?
  • I am a loser and am lazy as hell.
  • I want to die.
  • I want to just end this shit.
  • I have no will to live any more or will to do ANYTHING!
  • Wait...I have no will? What happened to it? What happened to my determination?
  • What happened to me?
  • I just want to die and end this.
I had these thoughts as I brushed my teeth, washed my face, put on my clothes, etc. The talk never stopped and the voice in my head never took a breath. It was incessant and made me even more miserable.

I got into my car, drove to work and trudged inside. Did I get a lick of work done? Absolutely not. I was a sitting corpse with a rotting soul only wanting to be cremated, turned to ashes and disappear in the breeze.

I couldn't focus though I tried. It became very frustrating because focus was next to nothing and I felt even more of a loser.

I did realize a few things today while rotting in my chair:
  • I have no support system. I really cannot count on my husband or parents to be there emotionally for me in times like this. If anything, because my husband has treated me so poorly in the past while I've had a bad downward spiral into depression I never want to tell him the depths of my despair. I make excuses to make living with him during the dark time not as difficult. I can't talk with my Mom because she goes silent. She doesn't know what to say and both my husband and Mom become very worried to the point that it is of no benefit to me at all. In fact, it is a hindrance. Seriously, all I wish for during that time is acceptance and love. I wish someone would just hug me. They don't have to understand me, but acceptance would be most beneficial. The only support system I can say I have is my dog, HoneyBunny. She lays by me the entire time and never wavers in her love. She never leaves.
  • I really have lost my determination in life. I have no clue where it went or how to get it back.
  • I am seriously sick right now and need to check in with a doctor. I can't afford it with my crap medical insurance (mostly crap when it concerns mental health) and the cheapest counselor I've found is $110 an hour! Just going once a week would be $440 and going even once a month wouldn't be enough to help emotionally in the beginning at least.
  • I really don't know if I can deal with this for the rest of my life. I've said this before, but I realized the depth of this even more today.
  • I really do want to die because I just want to end the pain. If it weren't for my daughter, I would have been dead long ago. My mind has thoughts like, "Well, it would hurt her at first, but she will get better with time", "I can write her a letter and though she won't understand as much now, she will as an adult". It is called rationalization. I realize this. Once again, I wish I could see a counselor.
  • I have tried so hard to be a good mom and am so worried that my daughter will remember her teen years as the time she realized her Mom has depression. I am worried that she will end up in a counselor's office one day as an adult talking about me and how I ruined her life. I then realize that it will most definitely happen if I do myself in.
I am crying now. I don't know what to do. I am so behind in my schoolwork, my Christmas tree isn't up yet, and for goodness sake, I just need a break from all thinking and feeling.

I just want to sleep.

The following song came out in 1987 when I was 16 years old. The Smiths sang it and the song name is "Asleep". At times like these I still listen to it. Some things never change...just like this damn depression.

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I'm tired and I
I want to go to bed

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
And then leave me alone
Don't try to wake me in the morning
'Cause I will be gone
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore

Sing to me
Sing to me
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore

Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I really want to go

There is another world
There is a better world
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well ...

Bye bye
Bye bye
Bye ...

Monday, December 8, 2008

She Loves Me, But She Sure Has a Funny Way of Showing It

It is 3:18pm and I am finally awake. I missed work again. I feel like I ran the Boston Marathon when instead I've had a marathon of sleep and still can't wake up.

Let me reiterate; I missed work.....again.

I had every intention of going in today. I am such a complete loser for not going in. I set the alarm last night. I woke up at 6:30am to make sure my daughter woke up. From there everything becomes fuzzy because I literally do not remember walking out of her room to my bed and falling asleep again. All that I remember is waking up at 8:30am realizing that it was late because the sun was so bright in the room. I then contacted work and told them that I am still not feeling well and will be in the office tomorrow. Why they should believe that I'll be there, I have no idea. I don't believe it myself.

My Mom called today. She's been calling all weekend and I never answered. When I get like this it is difficult to talk and act like everything is fine. She realizes when I don't call back that I'm going through another episode, as I call it, and she gets worried. Finally, today I answered the phone and we spoke.

My mother knows that I have depression. She knows that I was in the hospital a little more than two years ago. I remember the day before I was going into the psychiatric ward she and Daddy were going on vacation to the beach. She knew that I was being admitted and she asked on the phone whether she should go on vacation or not. Of course I didn't want her to feel bad about going on vacation, and my word, if she has to ask me, I would rather her go anyway. Let me say this one more time, though: I was being admitted to a psychiatric hospital and she asks if it's OK with me that she goes to the beach? By all means, Momma, go to the beach! Just because your only child wants to end her life because she has depression so overpowering that she can't see straight, don't let it get in the way of you having fun on your beach vacation!

Don't get me wrong. My mother is very sweet and nice. Everyone loves her. She is a very elegant woman in her own way and I know that she loves me. It's just at times she has a funny way of showing it and it hurts. She would rather come to your house the morning that she is going to the beach right before you are driven to the hospital by your husband because you can't drive yourself, give you a hug and press a check into your hand so that she feels absolved of any guilt because she gave you money. I dutifully told her to have fun and not worry about me. She actually went to the beach. I hope that she had fun and it was worth it. Oh wait a minute; she gave me money to help out with the bills while I was in the cuckoo's nest. OK, I guess it was worth it to her.

She was at the beach for one week. I was in the hospital over six weeks. She never came to visit, but she did call. She doesn't live in another state. She lives about 20 minutes away.

After getting out of the hospital, I tried really hard to be honest about my feelings and tell people when I felt the maw of depression tickling my neck but when I did that my husband and parents freaked out. I realized I couldn't tell them because they all automatically thought I would go back to the hospital. I even remember there were times that my depression was manageable and I was OK, but maybe I would have had a bad day, like anyone else in the world, it happens, and my mother would get this frightened voice and ask, "Are you doing OK? Are you getting sick again? Do you think you should go back to the hospital?" I would say, "I'm just having a bad day. It happens to people without depression! I am fine, don't worry!" After a while I just started acting like I felt great no matter how I truly felt. I don't know who wouldn't do the same.

Today on the phone with Momma, she asked how I was doing and if I was going through an episode. She said that she had called all weekend and was worried. I told her that I'm having an episode again, but that it would get better as it does. Since I have one child who is the love of my life, I now ask myself this question: If that were my daughter, would I say after the fact that I'd been calling all weekend because I was worried or would I have gotten in my car and driven to her house? Most definitely the latter. In fact, I would have gone to her house, made food for her and her family, cleaned up, washed clothes and done whatever she needed.

Momma asked if I needed anything or if she could do anything. I told her no. I feel bad to ask for anything, and I know that she wouldn't feel comfortable anyway, so it's just easier to say no. She must know that I hate to ask, and anyway, if she wanted to do anything, why didn't she drive to my house to see me since she was so worried?

I realize that I sound very passive-aggressive right now and I certainly don't mean to be. I just don't know what else to say about all of this.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

The Claws are Ever Tighter and I Cannot Get Rid of Them

-Image by Mahesh Haridevan

It's back. Depression has its desperate claws edged on the tip of my soul. I can feel its dripping maw near my neck and it makes it difficult to breathe. It encircles me and gags me and I try to accept that it's there and acceptance is futile. During my good times I think I have accepted the fact that I have depression. When it comes to remind me that I have it, the overwhelming feeling of "Again?" rushes my senses and I am quieted.

I have felt it all week. I tried to pretend that it wasn't there. I tried to do things. Instead I have slept. A lot. I am always embarrassed to admit this. Horribly embarrassed.

I missed work. Quite a bit of it.

Today I was finally able to get myself out of the house and met a friend from high school. We recently reunited. It was wonderful to see her. Though it was very nice to spend time with her, I grew tired. I literally yawned. Several times. She even noticed and commented. I yawned even though I've slept most of the week. When I wasn't asleep I tried to pretend that I was fine. I was merely having some type of strange, extended vacation that I never requested beforehand. Though I slept all day, every day this past week, when my daughter got home from school I would wake up and act like I had been working from home all day. I was in my pajamas. I hadn't brushed my teeth yet. My hair was disheveled. I don't know if she believed me. Monday and Tuesday she asked why I was home. I lied and told her that I worked from home. For the rest of the week she didn't ask anymore. She's a smart girl. I'm sure that she realizes.

My work thinks that I had strep and stomach problems. I hate lying like that.

In this economy and also considering that I am a contractor, I am worried about losing my job. They already have a hiring freeze on software developers. They are flying contractors from India by the plane load and paying them nothing while giving them apartments where they shack up four and five to a two-bedroom apartment. They have no car and walk back and forth to work and the grocery store. They have no life. They are happy to be here. They are hard workers. They get paid next to nothing. I can easily be replaced. The company would save money. I don't know why they haven't done it already. It does disgust me though because these highly intelligent people from India are trying to find their American Dream and are being paid next to nothing. They need to be paid like everyone else, if not more because they work so very hard.

I have not worked hard this past week. I slept hard. When I was awake and acting like I was working from home I was reading other people's blogs until my eyes closed. I tried to blog and act like everything was OK. It hasn't been. Why do I act like everything is OK on my blog when this is the place where I can say exactly how I feel and not worry about it? I have thought about that and think it's because if I talk about my bad moments in those bad moments I have to accept that I have major and chronic depression. I can't run away from that fact and I certainly can't hide because depression always finds me.

I seriously cannot imagine being like this for the rest of my life. Typing that sentence makes me cry. How do people live like this? Will it ever get better? I have had depression my entire life, yet I have to say it gets worse with age. Not better. Worse. Worse and more worse. It is overwhelming to think about.

It is times like this that I truly want to die. Would I call that being suicidal? Not really because I'm not acting on it. Is it life that I want to end? Yes, if life is like this. I also realize on a rational level that I will get better again, it doesn't rain all day every day and I will not want to end my life when the sun peeks out to shine on my day. Like all people who think about suicide, I just want to end the pain and despair. It becomes all too much at times.

If I wasn't for my daughter I know that I wouldn't be here. I would be dead. She keeps me going when I cannot. She doesn't realize this and she should never realize this, but it's just the truth.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Teenage Girls Gone Wild

I forgot to blog about taking my daughter to the movie, "Twilight". This was a much-anticipated movie for my daughter because she read the book years ago and absolutely became addicted to the author and this series. I never read the book and didn't know what to expect, but after watching the teen flick I started reading the book. It's a quick read and I had to stop due to homework but I'll end up reading the whole series, I can tell.

Even as a 37 year old, I have to say that Robert Pattinson who played Edward in the movie is quite a good-looking lad and deserves the shrieks he received in the movie theater.

Speaking of the shrieks, it was absolutely wonderful to sit in the theater FULL of teenaged girls who swooned every time Edward displayed on the screen. The "ooohhhh's" and "ahhhh's" were so loud and I even heard a girl next to us say, "I wouldn't mind waking up to that every morning!". I looked over to see who said it and she must have been only 13 years old. What is the world coming to? I then sat there and tried to remember if I thought that way at 13. Well, sure I did! But I just never spoke it out loud to a bunch of strangers! The couth!!

I also remembered being at the movie theaters at 16 years of age watching the movie, "Dirty Dancing" for the first time. I had feelings in my privates I don't think I had felt before while watching a movie. Is that a bit too much information? Probably so, but I can't help it! My word, the way Patrick Swayze's hips undulated on the big screen was a bit too much for me. It's for sure that Swazye swayed around that movie! (OK, that was cheesy to say, but I HAD TO!)

Ahhh, the newness of youth! I would never go back to my teenage years but there are parts of it that I fondly remember. I just hope that my daughter's teenage years are filled with happy memories and not too many bad ones. I have tried very hard as her mother to ensure that. I hope it works out that way. Only time will tell.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

The Wrath of a Cat

I found this over at Wandering Coyote's blog and found it hilarious and wanted to share. It is very short and very funny. You have no idea how many times I've wanted to do the same to printers, faxes and computers when technology thwarted me.


Wednesday, December 3, 2008

The State Fair

I am behind in blogging things I've wanted to blog about and this post is about taking my daughter to the state fair. Every year it arrives in October and it was always a yearly event for us to attend. That is, up until three years ago when a boy was shot ten feet away from us by a gang member.

You wouldn't think in the po-dunk state I live in that there would be gangs, but there are and I don't need to travel to Los Angeles to see the danger they pose. I remember shots being fired and a crowd of people running around like crazy and screaming. Mayhem and chaos ruled the night and I grabbed my daughter and her two cousins and hid in a bathroom. After everything calmed down and police were milling around like ants on an elephant ear, we scurried out of the bathroom and headed straight for the gates to leave. I will never forget seeing the poor twelve year old boy who was shot with a huge amount of blood pooled around his head. It was like he was in a movie and it wasn't real. Unfortunately, it was all too real.

For two years after we did not attend. This year we decided to try again and instead of going at night we went in the daytime. I hoped that it would make a difference. As we walked up to get our tickets we had to pass through a metal detector. The line was long and there was a continuous beeping noise as people walked through. Instead of investigating what was beeping, personnel manning the metal detector waved people through anyway telling them to "move through the line, move through the line". I was in disbelief. If this is the case, why do we even go through them? As I walked through it beeped and I asked a lady working there if she needed to scan me or anything since it beeped. She briskly barked at me to just walk through. I stopped and asked what the point of the detectors were because I could have a gun on me and they wouldn't know the difference and she became very defensive saying that the line was long and people shouldn't wait.

I asked to speak with her manager. My daughter stood behind me completely embarassed. She is of the age where her parents can embarass her by breathing, so I wasn't too concerned. We were passed from manager to manager until finally being directed to the supervisor of the fair. The man was very kind and very concerned about my complaint. He explained that this was the first year the metal detectors were put into place and they had issues to work through with them. He was there the night the boy was shot years ago and he is very mindful about the safety of the fair. He said that he would speak with personnel at the gates and improve the process.

My daughter was ready to leave the office as soon as possible to start having fun and as we thanked the supervisor and walked outside, I stopped for a moment with my beauty and told her that I realized it must have been very boring for her to go through that, but it needed to be done to help protect the safety of everyone at the fair, including us. I explained that if they have metal detectors that they need to use them instead of giving people a false sense of security. During that moment I felt like my Mother complaining about something while I stood by grumpily as a child. I just want my daughter to see that you need to make a stand on certain things in life versus being passive as a snail. I hope it's something she remembers as an adult.

After going through that we walked to get our tickets for rides and such and off we walked through the fair. The camera I brought didn't have much of a charge left, so I took the pictures that I could below.

This is my little girly having fun, finally!

When I see this picture of my daughter I cannot believe how much older she is getting to be! It's just amazing how time flies.

This is a ride that we went on together. It is one of those rides that while you are spinning around like a Tasmanian Devil, it also rocks back and forth even to the point it seems to make an entire circle around. All I can say is that you shouldn't ride this monstrosity if you just drank a barrel of Coke and fries. I felt terribly sick on and off that ride that lasted for at least an hour. My daughter had fun, though, so it was worth it.

While at the fair we always visit the art buildings and also the barnyards full of great animals. There is one attraction they have every year where there are the cutest little baby ducks that are in this contraption with water sliding down the middle and they are up at the top trying to eat from a tray filled with feed over their heads. Sometimes when reaching out too far they slip in the water and slide down the slide. These little ducks were so cute because of the feathers on their head that made them look like they had hats on.

My favorites are the llamas. My battery had to go out right after taking this shot which was sad because I wanted some better pictures of them.

We also check out the local cows.

We rode a few more rides, ate some elephant ears and called it a day. Enjoy the rest of the pictures we took!

Monday, December 1, 2008

Black Friday

I thought that I would get up at 5:00am and go shopping for all of the fabulous sales Black Friday had to offer. I did wake up at 5:00am. I took my dog outside. While she walked around the yard I looked out the window into the darkness of night. Opening the door while letting her back inside chilled me to the bone. It was then I decided that it was absolutely ridiculous to get dressed at 5:00am to go shopping, of all things!

I promptly went back to bed.

Around 11:00am I woke up again and got dressed. My husband, daughter and I had a delicious breakfast and then visited the stores to see what was left. Everything was gone from the best sales and I didn't mind a bit. It was much better than traveling by myself to look around at the crack of dawn.

I read an article located at the CNN website about a poor man who opened the doors at Wal-Mart at 5:00am while over 2,000 people waiting outside since the night before surged in and trampled him to death. Was his life worth the $40 saved on a DVD player? Honestly, it makes me sick at times to think about America and its values. I am so happy that I wasn't one of the people surging into Wal-Mart at 5:00am and litrally walking on top of someone in order to take advantage of a sale. I would never forgive myself.

Will Americans learn their lesson? I'm afraid the answer is "No". Next year the newspapers will post the Black Friday ads and all Hell will break loose once again. No one will remember the poor guy who got trampled to death. They will just think about how much money they will save and obviously that will be more important than a human life.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Time to Give Thanks

It is 1:00am and I am taking a break for a few minutes while waiting for the pumpkin pie to be ready to pull out of the oven. I've been cooking since getting home around 7:00pm. The kitchen is a mess. I try hard to be organized and keep everything clean while cooking and it was not a successful night tonight trying to do that. After posting this I'll get back in that kitchen and clean like crazy.

I started the night by taking pictures to post on the blog, but that wasn't successful either because my daughter's digital camera went loopy and cut off and didn't cut back on (bad news because it did this even after putting in fresh batteries) and my husband's digital camera battery is dead. So, not many pictures were taken and am a bit bummed by that. I thought it would be fun to post the pictures especially for all of you overseas. I plan to take pictures tomorrow and will post them here this weekend.

Tomorrow twelve people will be eating lunch with us along with my parents, my husband's sister and her family and a friend of my husband's from university. My Mom is making macaroni and cheese and a broccoli salad. I'm making the turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes (not out of a box but the real ones), stuffing, three-layer pumpkin pie, squash casserole, peas, french bread, sweet potato casserole and cranberry sauce. Tonight I've made everything except the turkey, gravy and stuffing. I should get up by 7:00am in order to pop the turkey in the oven in time and we'll eat by 1:00pm. I just hope that I'll be able to get all of the food on the table at the same time and it will all be hot. That is definitely an art that I don't possess. We shall see.

While cooking I was listening to the radio and a song that I loved as a teenager from "The Fixx" played called "One Thing Leads to Another". The first time I heard it was one of the rare times I saw my biological father named Jim. He was visiting his Mom and she picked me up to go to her house so that I could see him (note, so that I could see him because he never visited me). He had the song on a tape in his car and I went nuts. I played it over and over again and begged him for the tape. I remember he wasn't happy giving it to me but did anyway. Hearing the song made me wonder what he was doing tonight. What will his Thanksgiving be like tomorrow? Is he happy? Does he think about me? I haven't seen him for twelve years. The last time I spoke with him on the telephone was approximately eight years ago. I had called asking if we could have lunch together. I told him that I was hoping that maybe we could get to know each other as adults. He actually said, "Well I understand why you would want to see me. I do the same as you. I want to go see my parents because they are a point of reference to me. It is good to see them and project how you will age". I was flabbergasted. He thought I wanted to see him to see how I would age! He said that we would get together for lunch and he would contact me and of course he never did.

I remember being pregnant with my daughter almost sixteen years ago and speaking with him on the phone. As always I had called him. We had a huge spat to the point that I was almost hyperventilating (he and my husband are the only people in this world that have made me that upset) and he asked me, "Why do you keep trying to be my friend?"


I did call him sporadically over the years (maybe twice after that?) and I have to ask myself why did I keep trying to be his friend? Thinking about it all now makes me want to cry. Tears appear but don't fall. My heart falls though. I never understood why he didn't love me or was there for me or why he had nothing to do with me. I blamed myself as a child and always felt rejected because of it. Now that I'm 37 it's easier and don't blame myself anymore. He is bipolar and definitely has issues. I guess I will just always wonder, "What if?" I am curious if he will ever call if he discovers that he is terminally ill or is on his deathbed. I have a feeling that he will not. Why start then? I think I will go to my grave never understanding him. I am his only child with his only grandchild. That doesn't seem to matter to him. I don't think it ever will.

Wow, what a morose conversation at 1:47am. I've been running back and forth to check on the pumpkin pie. It's still too wet in the middle and still cooking.

The video is below. It's quite hilarious to watch because it's so 80's. I wonder what the band members think about that video when they watch it in 2008. They must smile like you do when seeing a picture of yourself wearing some crazy outfit like parachute pants and the Members Only jacket or the classic mullet hairstyle.

I found the following cartoon on the Internet:

I have to say that I never understood why we celebrate Thanksgiving. The intention of Thanksgiving is to give thanks. The American Indians celebrated Thanksgiving with the Pilgrims and it is because of the American Indians that we learned how to catch eel and grow corn and look what we did to them. That's a lot thanks, now isn't it?

At times I feel it's embarrassing to be an American when I think of certain events that occurred in American history.

I just realized that this post is going all over the place. Let me get it back to the topic, which is giving thanks. At this time of year I would like to list what I'm thankful for below.
  • I am very thankful for my daughter. She is the light of my life and if it wasn't for her I am sure that I would have offed myself ages ago.
  • I am very thankful for my husband. Yes, he drives me insane. He has good intentions, though. He has issues like the rest of us and he has really been working to improve himself and our relationship. He has been very good to my daughter over the years. That says a lot considering the fact that he has never had children.
  • I am very thankful for my Mom. Sometimes she drives me crazy and the more I understand her the sadder it makes me sometimes, but I just need to learn to accept and move on. She is a good mother and tried her best. Sometimes it wasn't good enough, but she honestly couldn't help it. She was adopted by a 50-year old couple who had never had children and weren't affectionate. They did wonderful things for her and took great care of her, but they could be quite cold at times and because of them my Mom was an adult at five years of age, or at least she was expected to act like one.
  • I am very thankful for my stepfather. He had been previously married prior to marrying my Mom and had three children ten years older than me. He always told everyone that he had four children and always treated me like his own. If it wasn't for him and my Uncle Jimmy I would really hate men, I think. They taught me how to be treated and valued me unconditionally. I am eternally grateful. It was recently Daddy's birthday and he went away for the night and I wasn't able to see him. I ordered a birthday cake and tomorrow after Thanksgiving lunch I am going to put candles on the cake, light them up and walk out singing "Happy Birthday". He will absolutely love it. He loves special attention like sometimes.
  • I am very grateful that my cousins and I were reunited this past year. I need to write about that sometime. I grew up with them and spent a lot of time with them every summer and over the holidays as a child. I consider them to be the sisters I never had. I love them dearly and am absolutely thrilled that we are now talking with each other, spending time together and being in each others lives. I never thought that would happen and the miracle occurred.
  • I am so very thankful for my dog named HoneyBunny. She is such a wonderful superhuman and I adore her more every day.
  • I am very thankful to be able to attend university and finally get my degree one day.
  • I am very thankful to have a job during these tough economic times. Though I can't stand it most of the time at least I am able to pay the bills.
  • I am thankful that I made the decision to start the women's boot camp and will be starting this Monday. For once I am doing something for myself and am proud about that.
  • I am thankful that the store I shop for clothes at had a "buy one, get one free" sale and that I also had a coupon for $75.00 off. I went shopping today before coming home to cook because I just wanted to feel nice tomorrow with a new outfit. I haven't bought myself an outfit in years and am tired of wearing the same thing every weekend. It becomes depressing over time. I just wanted to feel good about myself. It will feel good to put on new clothes. I haven't experienced that feeling in years. I even bought some new pajamas. This is embarrassing to say, but I have three other pajamas that I have worn for eight years now. They all have holes in them in a lot of different places, the hem is gone and they are falling apart. It was depressing to see myself like that night after night. I can't wait to put on my new pj's. I'll feel like a different person.
  • Last and most certainly not least, I am so thankful to each of you who visit my blog. I am so very grateful for the people who have commented in my blog and have given so much support over this past year. I am continually amazed by the people who lift me up mentally and spiritually through this blog. I hope that you realize what an impact you have had on my life. You have helped me to get better and get through this journey of life. I wish that I could invite you all for dinner tomorrow and you could join me. I just wish that I could give each of you a hug.
  • I would especially like to thank Linda, Daisy, John Finn, HappyStill and Zathyn Priest. We all found each other when I first started this blog and you all have been so very supportive and empowering to me. I cannot begin to thank you all enough. 
  • I am also thankful that I am able to buy all of the Thanksgiving food and cook it tonight and tomorrow. Seriously, America is in a war (two in my opinion - Afghanistan and Iraq) and you would never know it really. Most Americans don't realize how lucky they are compared to many nations around the world.
To end this post I would like to share some Thanksgiving humor. I hope that you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving and if you don't celebrate this holiday, I hope that you have a wonderful day tomorrow.


Monday, November 24, 2008

My Poetry: Imagination

Pooled across my bed.

Visions of you in my head.

The taste of us combined.

On fire...
You do it for me every time.

I love this poem..not just for the images displayed in it, but it actually rhymes. None of my poems ever rhyme, it seems.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Mental Floss

I haven't been able to blog for days. I think about it when I'm not able to write and it bothers me. Blogging has been quite good for my mental health and it's an activity I need to do no matter what...kinda like flossing. It's just flossing of the mental state. It's been wonderful to grab that tacky, plaquey debris stuck to my soul and clean it away.

I have the card above and absolutely love it. I actually had quite a few of them and sent them to others over time. I kept the last one for myself. Actually, thinking about it, I have a lot of interesting cards that I would like to put in a book one day. It would be a great coffee table book versus them sitting in a box like they have for years. One more project I would like to do eventually.

Speaking of projects, I am feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. There is homework galore along with a ten-page paper due a week from today which I haven't had the chance to even start working on. Not only that but I have to work Monday through Wednesday this week and work a bit of overtime since we are off Thursday and Friday for the Thanksgiving holidays.

Speaking of Thanksgiving, twelve people are coming to the house for lunch and I have to have the house clean, get the grocery shopping done and cook, cook, cook. I told my husband and daughter that they are in charge of the cleaning and I will take care of the groceries and cooking. I would much rather clean, believe me. It wouldn't take as long and then I could relax while the cook spent all Wednesday night cooking herself and the food to death.

It will be a good thing, though and I look forward to the holidays. I am just overwhelmed because my personality is the type that I want everything to be perfect and great and I worry that I'll burn something, not do something right or not pull it off on time. Cooking is an art and it's important how you cook and in what order you cook so it all arrives steaming hot to the table at the same time. There have been many times my guests waited quite a while for food because I can't get the knack of it all just yet. Maybe it's a life lesson along with so many other things to learn.

Oh, I lost a pound, by the way. ONE POUND! Actually, though, if you think about it, I lost about six because I had gained weight before when I first started talking about my weight issues. I then lost it and an extra pound, so I can now update my weight goal here on the blog. I am very curious if I'll be updating the goal after Thanksgiving because I gained weight. I'll then be back to 0%! I won't worry about that just yet because it's quite difficult to diet on turkey day.

There is a "boot camp" for women in my area which I start the Monday after Thanksgiving. It's a very neat concept because the guy who owns the company is a personal trainer who used to be in the Army. I attended boot camp years ago after joining the Navy (though I'm not in anymore) and was in the best shape of my life after they killed us in boot camp. I would go back to boot camp just for that if I had the chance. Since I don't, I'm going to try this program. Basically you go three times a week and he kicks your butt. I need that and really look forward to going. He even goes over nutrition with you. The group size is ten women at a time so the class isn't large. We'll see how this goes. It will be interesting.

Now back to reading about floats, doubles, ints and arrays in my C++ programming textbook.

Oh, joy.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

More Poetry

The Kiss
Intensity swirling dark and light through my mind.
Emotions are deep and breath is shallow.
Cocoons burst open, revealing beautiful butterflies in my stomach.
The feeling is too great and too soon.
Kindness, passion and friendship can be felt more through it.
However, it all ends too quickly for your lips are no longer on mine.

I wrote this when I was 19 years old for my ex-husband before we were married. This poem was the first non-depressing poem I was able to write in my entire life. I thank him for that.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Old Poems

I found quite a few old poems that I wrote years ago. I posted my poems on an old website I created way before blogging ever started. It's interesting to me how though years pass, thoughts and feelings can remain. I'll post some of these old poems over time as I feel like it.

Here is one to start it off:


The feeling lives in my soul like maggots feasting on meat. The feeling of being miserable is so much a part of me....

Sometimes depression engulfs me and I feel as if I've been swallowed by a black hole. I'm totally lost - there's no light and I'm exhausted from the quick journey into it.

I no longer cry out for help. I used to, and as a result, got further to the center of that void. The center is called Death and I think it would give me peace. I have tried to journey there, however the survivor who lives in the cold, lonely corner of my soul would free itself from the chains and remind me she's there. Then, like a beacon, she'd point me back through the Hell until, with her help, I would crawl out of that hole.

I thank God for her. I just hope one day I can make her proud. Maybe then she can live in a nice, warm, lit room in the middle of my soul and celebrate because we both lived through it all.

Note (wrote this note when I was 29...I am now 37 and feel the same):
I cannot remember what age I was when I wrote this poem. I think I was 19 and living in Scotland at the time. What I find most surprising is though I am nearly 30, I still feel the exact, same way in certain moments of my life. Time doesn't change everything.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Sabotage No More

I have sabotaged myself long enough. Today was a much better day because I actually got off my fat behind and got busy. For starters I actually exercised by taking HoneyBunny for a walk. She and I were both out of breath by the time we got home, but we did it and HB was SOOOOO happy about it. She loves walking. I wish I did. I hated every step I took but just put one foot in front of the other and kept going. I cannot believe that years ago I was a cross-country runner and actually ran 10 miles a day. Right now I can't walk even a mile without thinking I'm going to die. I had great legs back then. In fact, I remember I could eat anything in the world and not gain an ounce. Right now I think about food while walking and gain weight. Hopefully, the tide will turn soon.

I picked up my daughter from practicing for a Christmas play at a local church. I then went shopping for HB and got her a little harness. With the way she walks so excitedly with the leash, she jerks her head forward a lot and chokes herself and hacks and coughs. The dog harness is much better and she didn't gag once. It even felt like there was more control while walking her because her jerking her head forward didn't affect me at all while using the harness.

I've been working on homework today and though I'm still behind I feel better about it because at least some tasks are being accomplished.

I took a shower after the walk and dried my hair and am now eating a nice salad. I love fruits and vegetables and am currently eating a mixture of carrots, green peppers, cucumbers, tomatoes, chickpeas, olives, almonds, a little feta cheese and a boiled egg. I don't use salad dressing because it's not needed. I like the taste just the way it is.

Today I was thinking about how difficult it is at times to get going on tasks that need to be completed because it seems so overwhelming, but once you do get started it gets easier and I've even experienced periods of relief today. When I don't get done what I need to I just feel so horribly lazy and that always makes me feel worse and has the opposite affect on me wanting to get stuff done. Nike has a good slogan..."Just do it". I need to remember that and not get so caught up on the negatives. Sometimes I try so hard to be perfect that if I can't finish a task perfectly I don't want to even start and then I get behind and then I feel bad and then I feel overwhelmed and then I feel depressed and anxious and then it's even more difficult to JUST DO IT.

So, I'm doing it today. I am going to continue. The sabotaging has to stop. It's so ridiculous when I think about it.


Kayla from OCD Lives Here tagged me with the following...

The tag rules are as follows:

  1. Each player starts with eight random fact/habits about themselves.
  2. People who are tagged need to write in their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
  3. At the end of your blog post tag eight people and list their names.
  4. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’ve been tagged and to read your blog.
My 8 random facts:
  1. I used to be in the Navy and was a Mineman (built/maintained underwater mines, or bombs).
  2. While in the Navy and living in Scotland, the Commander in our unit killed himself the weekend before he was to go back to the States. He had sex with different girls in our unit who were not officers like himself (big no-no in the Navy), showed favoritism towards these girls, contracted a venereal disease with one of them and gave that gift to his wife. He was being sent back to the States to be punished because of his behavior (one of the people who got in trouble all of the time was sick of the other girls being favored constantly and not having to work and reported him. Admirals flew in, lie-detector tests were performed and he got popped). The night he killed himself I was on duty and was asked to identify his body. He had died by driving his motorcycle the fastest he could go on this little Scottish road and ran head-on into another car that a pregnant woman was driving. His body ended up in the top of a tree. I never knew what happened to the pregnant lady. All I know is that it was the first time I did not follow an order because I said I shouldn't be the one to go, that the senior watch officer in charge should go. He ended up going, thank God. I didn't want to see that. I was 18 years old.
  3. As you see, I can be wordy at times.
  4. I thought about how fat I am today and wanted to kill myself. This is nothing new.
  5. I am going to university and currently have a 4.0 GPA and if I don't get my butt in gear I'll lose it because I am very far behind in schoolwork. It feels overwhelming.
  6. I went skydiving and loved it. Jumped out of a plane at 13,000 feet and it was a spiritual experience. I would do it again.
  7. I plan to use my tax money and visit Morocco this summer. I usually pay bills with it but not this time. It becomes a bit embarrassing to answer "no" when people ask if I've visited where my husband is from and we've been together almost nine years now.
  8. I love a slice of lemon in my water. I even wedge a slice of it into my bottled water before going to work in the morning.
I'll tag and you play if you would like:
  1. Linda
  2. Daisy
  3. Hope 
  4. Eccedentesiast 
  5. La 
  6. Crotchety Old Man
  7. Annie's Rexia 
  8. Stephany
Didn't get any schoolwork done but am going to try and go to sleep. I hope to get it done tomorrow.

Talk about sabotaging myself...sheesh.


It's 2:32am and I cannot sleep. I have a feeling this will be a long night and sleep will not arrive. I did try going to sleep by cutting off the light, laying there for a while, tossing, turning, and finally getting up and lugging my laptop to the living room so that I don't wake my husband. I also have my C++ programming textbook with me. I need to read, read, read and write a few computer programs and I guess this would be a great time to do it. The house is silent and this would be the best time.

If I could think....

If I could focus....

this would be the best time.

I am going to try. I will feel really happy if I can get through all of these pages and write these programs. I won't feel so overwhelmed with it all and then tomorrow I can work on sociology.

I wonder if I can do this. We shall see.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Periods Rule My Life

I wrote the following this past Wednesday at work. I can't sign into Blogger to post from work so I e-mailed it to myself and am just now getting a chance to paste it below.

I feel another wave of desolation and hopelessness wash over my soul. I sit here at work and can't even concentrate on the task at hand because I feel the descent down the spiral of depression mentally, emotionally and physically. About thirty minutes ago I was talking with two friends at work and for no reason whatsoever wanted to cry. I even had to excuse myself because the feeling was so overwhelming. I sat down at my desk and felt my body descending to the void and got caught up with the feeling for a few minutes without even realizing.

All of a sudden I felt a cramp and monthly friend is about to visit! That is what is going on! I felt relieved a bit because there was an explanation for this sudden mood change.

Now I sit here and ask why it has to be this way. I feel very ignorant because this happens every time right before my period and I don't immediately think to myself that it's not the depression but the period itself. Then when I feel the cramping it then dawns on me what's going on. When I get caught up in that fast descent into the pits of Hell I am so stuck in that moment that I don't even rationalize or think about it. It is just pure emotion. I feel like this:

Now realizing my monthly friend is about to make her lovely appearance I feel better now.

On another note...why do we call it our "monthly friend"? Is it a she or he or it? If it's a she, is she really our friend? I hate the word "period" as well, so what's a better word to use? For my international readers, what do ya'll call it?

And on another note, is our period really that necessary? Why couldn't we be like a man with eggs swimming around instead of sperm with no side effects? Why do we pay every month for having the ability of producing babies? Don't get me wrong, I am so happy to have had my daughter and wouldn't trade it for the world, but I was in labor for 22 hours and it ended with an emergency c-section, an internal infection and a fever of 104 degrees Fahrenheit. At one point I had a contraction for five minutes and a nurse had to rush in and give me a shot to stop the contraction only to then have another shot to start the contractions all over again. I even experienced what my Momma calls "Twilight Sleep" because I would be asleep from being so exhausted, wake up while having a painful as hell contraction only to immediately fall asleep as soon as the contraction was over. I didn't even know my name during that part of the labor.

Wow, I feel even better already writing about this. I hate my "monthly friend", "monthly cycle", "period" or whatever you want to call it. It rules my life every month.

It is now Saturday and I feel much better now. My period is almost over and the pain is gone.

I am soooo behind in my schoolwork. I haven't had a chance to blog much or even read my favorite blogs and leave a comment. I will do that as soon as I can catch up with school.

Oh, and by the way. I've gained six more pounds. I think I should have a goal to gain weight and I would most definitely make it. Sheesh...

Monday, November 10, 2008

Grooming and Gas Prices

My sweet little dog named HoneyBunny got groomed yesterday and here she is in all of her splendor and gorgeous elegance:

I apologize for the resolution of the pictures. I took them with my mobile phone.

I love this superdog.

I could not believe the gas price today. It was $1.79 a gallon! Just a few weeks ago it was over $4.00 and killing the bank account.

I wonder how long this will last. Probably about as long as HoneyBunny's grooming.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Feeling the Burn

I'm finally doing better once again. I sound like a broken record. Friday I felt the depression's such a physical sensation. Yesterday I continued to progress and today is even better. I am tired, though. Coming out of a depressive episode can be such an exhaustive event. Today I've been working on schoolwork. It's mid-term week and I wish that I could just take a nap. No time for that today. Hopefully I won't be up tonight late finishing homework.

Last night a realization occurred. I am like a boat floating on the water and my husband is the weather. When the weather is good and moods are high, the boat floats happily in the shining sun. When the tropical storm gathers force the little boat braces itself and is ready for anything. As the violent winds toss the boat this way and that structural damage occurs and it takes time and energy to rebuild.

I have never met anyone like my husband. I love him. That has never changed. It's so strange because we really don't have a problem with each other. We do have a problem with how he reacts to his environment because it affects all of us. He is highly sensitive to light, sound, touch, cold, heat, and is very intuitive to the emotions of people around him. He demands respect from everyone on the planet and it can really disturb him if he feels that he doesn't receive the respect he deserves. His first reaction to any negative emotion he may feel is anger. He is quick to react and his anger can go from zero to 1000 in a split-second. At times I watch him rev his anger engine and am amazed at how he can start talking about something and his engine starts up, it then purrs along and before you can blink it's screeching up to the ceiling. It's unbelievable to watch. A lot of times I sit there silently during these moments watching a catastrophe occur.

In the beginning I didn't know how to react. A lot of times I reacted by shouting like him. Other times I was silent and held everything inside with my gut wrenching. Over time I became silent and just watched. Watching him really helped in learning more about him.

It's so ironic because in most ways he is like an 84-year old man even though he's 34. He is highly mature, wise and way beyond his years. Yet at the same time he has this very immature side to him that reminds me of a 5-year old boy stomping his foot and yelling at the top of his lungs when he's angry. It's obvious he never learned how to effectively deal with his emotions. He deals with them through anger and that certainly is not effective.

He hates this about himself. He wants to change. He's not a bad person. He is a lovely person, actually and is a magnet for everyone who meets him. He is pure energy and is like a candle burning at both ends. You can get burned in the process if you are too close. It is exhausting to be around such a serious and passionate person. At times I hold my head and wonder how I can do it for much longer because I am very tired.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Death on the Brain

Am I the only person who thinks about suicide on a daily basis? I can be walking down the street and something happen and my mind whispers, "I want to kill myself". I think about death a lot and if it weren't for my daughter I'm sure my life would have ended ages ago.

Is there some neuroprocessor in my brain that is fixated on death? I don't consciously think of death. I don't dream of death. My waking mind does though for no apparent reason and I'm frankly tired of it.

I've realized that these fantasies of death and suicide occur because I just want the pain to stop. That's all it boils down to. I just want it to end.

I can't imagine being like this for the next 50 years or more. I say "or more" because my paternal great-grandmother died one month prior to her 111 birthday. Surely, I can't imagine living that long like this.

Do you think about death or suicide much or do I represent the minority in this?

Another Journey Down the Desolate Path

Things haven't been going so well. My depression is acting up and once again my husband is angry. He told me today that he just doesn't understand me at all. I told him that I don't want to be with him anymore. I am tired of taking care of him all of the time and he isn't there for me. Once again he is displaying the same old behaviour as two years ago where he hasn't talked to me or had anything to do with me while I've been bad off. Actually today is the first day he has asked how I am because earlier this morning I told him that I want to be with someone who I could be there for while they were there for me and if I couldn't find it I just wouldn't be with anyone.

I really don't think it's out there when I think about it. I don't think that there is a couple who is there for each other. It's only Hollywood that makes those types of couples.

The last few depressive episodes he wasn't angry and much more supportive. I don't know what happened this time.

He says that I'm needy during these times. It's ironic that he says that because these past few days I haven't called him while he was out of the house or asked him to do anything for me. He can be in his studio the entire time and I don't say squat to him.

Last night I told him that I am appalled with how he has ignored me and treated me while I've been down.

I'm tired of this shit. And that is what it is...shit.

My mind is rambling.

If you only knew how down and depressed and full of anxiety my husband can be. If you only knew how I support him in every way. If you only knew what goes on in this house. I don't even write about it. I live it every day.

And I'm tired.

Really damn tired.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween!

I'm sitting at Barnes and Noble sipping Starbucks while you are working and I feel just terrible about it! That makes me laugh to say type that. Seriously though, it's a Friday and I cannot believe all of the people who are either not at work or just don't work! What a life!

I wish I was like Linda and could take Fridays off. You are so lucky, Linda! This is sublime!

Today is Halloween and we're going out to dinner to continue celebrating my week-long birthday and then tomorrow night is the Halloween party.

This has been such a delightful week.

Happy Halloween everyone and don't forget to check your candy for razors after trick-or-treating stay safe!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Happy Birthday To Me

I turned 37 today and don't feel a day over 25. OK, that's pushing it a bit, but seriously...I can't believe it will be three years to 40. For some reason it doesn't bother me about turning 40. It did bother me about turning 30 back in the day. In fact, it bothered me a lot. 40, 50, 60, etc??? They are all just numbers.

Two lovely girls from work are taking me out to lunch today. They are both such dears. We always have a great time together. I have an appointment with the podiatrist at 3:45pm which means I will have to leave work a little before then to make it on time, which means the workday will be short. Yay! I should be home by 4:30pm at the latest. By the way, I have calluses on my feet from being in the Navy and this podiatrist peels them off like an onion. I haven't seen her for two years now so it's time to do some snipping. I get pedicures from time to time and such and my feet aren't manky looking but there are flesh-colored calluses on the bottom and it feels so good when she takes them off. I just read that sentence and realized it may be a bit TMI (too much information), but oh well, it's my blog and I can say what I want! AND it's my there!

Tonight my husband has to work teaching an art class so my daughter and I will meet my parents at the Olive Garden for dinner at 6:30pm. It will be nice to see them and hang out. Oh my gawd, I just realized something...servers from the Olive Garden come out and sing birthday songs. I sincerely hope they don't do that. I'm going to ask my parents not to tell them it's my birthday.

By the way, it's not my birthday just today. It's been my birthday all week. It ends on Sunday at 11:59pm. It's been wonderful at home to say, "Can you do so-and-so? It's my birthday". My husband laughs and says that his birthday will last one month if it's like that.

I am taking the day off of work Friday and can't wait for that! I've never taken a day off from work due to my birthday in the past. I've known several people who do each year and thought I would try it out this year. I'm so glad I did! During the day I plan to use the time and do homework for school. I have a 10 page research paper coming up, another small paper and four computer programs to write using C++. I won't mind doing it though because I plan to be at Barnes and Noble sipping Starbucks coffee while everyone else works!

Friday night my husband and I are celebrating my birthday by going to my favorite restaurant in our town. It is where we got engaged and haven't been back since. I can't wait to go! Afterwards we are going to the place where we met (haven't been there either for at least three years now). It will be a trip down memory lane.

Saturday night we are going to a Halloween party. I haven't been to a Halloween party since being a child and it should be interesting. No children are allowed and costumes are required. The party is being given by my best friend from high school named Susie. We recently connected via Facebook and it's been incredible hanging out after all of these years. When we first met for dinner it was like no time had passed and it's been almost 20 years!

Susie said that her party is an annual event and she even puts up black cloth on all of the walls of her house. She has an entire storage area full of Halloween decorations. It's her favorite holiday of the year. I plan to take the camera and snap some shots to post later.

Sunday morning at 2:00am our clocks turn back an hour! It is such a wonderful birthday present to receive one more hour of sleep!

What a wonderful week it's been so far and what a great weekend it's going to be! All of this is a birthday present in itself.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008


Stepped on the scales yesterday and discovered that I'm one pound further from my goal. I cannot believe that I gained a pound. I am now 231.

I'm going to change my short-term goal of losing 10 pounds to five pounds. Need to take some baby steps in order to move this mountain and I will do it!

Saturday, October 25, 2008

How EMDR Therapy Affected Me

Over time I have been diagnosed with Major Depression, Dysthymia, Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Because of this I have spent time in a hospital where I learned really good coping mechanisms, took meds and most importantly was introduced to "Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing", otherwise known as "EMDR".

To explain what it is a bit more, I took the following from an EMDR therapy website:

Patients who have suffered for years from anxiety or distressing memories, nightmares, insomnia, abuse or other traumatic events can now gain relief from a revolutionary new therapy called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing).

Research shows that EMDR is rapid, safe and effective. EMDR does not involve the use of drugs or hypnosis. It is a simple, non-invasive patient-therapist collaboration in which healing can happen effectively.

This powerful short-term therapy is highly effective for a wide range of disorders including chronic pain, phobias, depression, panic attacks, eating disorders and poor self-image, stress, worry, stage fright, performance anxiety, recovery from sexual abuse and traumatic incidents.

Many patients who have made slow progress in the past, or who have not benefited from more traditional therapies say that with EMDR they have finally found something that works for them!

EMDR truly works. While in the hospital I was introduced to this new type of therapy and was amazed at how it helped me. I wrote the following about it (two years ago) in order for others to understand a bit more about it, how it helped me and also encourage anyone that may benefit from this type of therapy. Please note that some things discussed below can "trigger" others who have been sexually abused, so if you think that it will bother you, please don't read this post any further.

My Experience with EMDR

I was sexually abused from the age of two onwards. I had never really dealt with what happened and was able to hide the events and the emotions that stemmed from the events deep away in my soul. I walked around for 34 years acting as if it never happened. My coping mechanism was to forget about it, however sometimes the past would rise to the surface and obliterate me.

When I thought about past events, I would actually feel physical sensations such as extreme fatigue, weakness and my body would actually feel numb. My emotions would retreat to a faraway place and my mind would even feel numb and sluggish. I would yawn a lot and wanted to go to bed and sleep. That was one of my problems when I experienced what I call my “downward spiral”. I would sleep. A lot. I could sleep for days and not wake up except to go to the bathroom. I didn’t eat, read a book or do anything but sleep in a deep and dark slumber.

When I was younger, it did not affect my job because I would be able to go to work and then immediately go to bed when I got home and sleep until the next morning (or through the weekend until the next Monday morning). For some reason, as I got older, I wasn’t able to do that anymore and the downward spiral started to affect not just me, but my family and job. I couldn’t get out of the bed no matter how hard I tried. When I was awake in the bed I would very logically think about how I would kill myself without hurting my family (well, it seemed logical at the time). I missed days from work and felt horribly guilty about it. I felt like a failure. My downward spirals would last longer and longer until finally it lasted for three months. I almost lost my job at work and due to my counselor I finally made the choice to check into a psychiatric hospital. My counselor wanted me to make the choice instead of committing me herself and though it scared me to death, I agreed. That singular choice had a profound effect on me and changed my life for the better.

While in the hospital, I met with a counselor named Libby to do EMDR. I did not know what to expect and was a little worried about this “EMDR thing” I kept hearing about. Libby had told me that it could really help a lot in trying to deal with past issues that were troubling me so greatly.

As I sat in her office, she told me that EMDR might be foreign and strange to me. She explained that she would wave her hand in front of my face from left to right and back again like a fan. She said I would need to concentrate on her hand because moving my eyes left to right while watching her hand would induce the same type of reaction in my brain that REM sleep induces. It sounded quite weird, but I was ready to try anything.

She said for me to think of a place that I felt most safe. Ironically, I visually saw my bed. I never realized until then that I felt my bed was the safest place for me. No wonder it was so difficult to get out of it during my downward spirals! She told me to imagine myself there and to realize that I was truly safe and nothing could hurt me while going through EMDR.

After explaining the process, she took out a questionnaire and asked me to either remember the most traumatic event in my life or my first memory. Since I was new to EMDR, I did not want to dive right off the cliff by going over the most traumatic experience, so instead I decided to go over my first memory. Libby asked what would be best when remembering this event – to visualize it like it was on a movie screen or on a television. She explained that she didn’t want me to be there, but to try and imagine it taking place where I could see it, but not actually be a part of it. I told her a TV would work great because I have always thought that we are people walking around with TV’s in our mind that is better than any TV invented. This is why books are so wonderful because we can explore places by reading words and the TV in our mind translates the words into vivid imagery.

My first memory of life is being in the bed with a babysitter’s son. His name was Joel. I was two years old and he was approximately 18. If ever I thought about this memory, I would always see his eyes, his body and what he did to me. He was touching me and then pushed my head down on him so that I would perform oral sex on him. I would never see myself in this memory, only Joel and what he did.

Libby asked how I felt about this memory. I started yawning and told her how very tired I was and that I wanted to go to bed. I told her the memory made me feel like a weak person and that I even felt the weakness physically. She pushed further and asked what I thought about myself when I thought about this event and I told her that I felt like a failure, that I felt it was all I was good for and that I felt defenseless. She told me to say these words to myself over and over in my mind and then she started to wave her hand back and forth and told me to think about the event with the TV in my mind. The TV cut on and all I could do was watch.

Having a memory is like the TV in your mind cutting on and playing the event whether you want to view it or not. Other than sleeping or self-medicating with drugs or alcohol, it is difficult to tear yourself away from the “show” even if tearing yourself away would be the best alternative. Of course there are healthy ways to cut the TV off and though I never did drugs or alcohol, I always slept and there was no benefit in that action other than being able to forget about it for a while, only for it to loom back like a disease in my soul.

As Libby waved her hand back and forth, my mind seemed to take me visually through the event, except there was a major shift in the memory. The camera angle had changed! I did not see Joel anymore. For the first time, I saw myself...little me. I actually saw that I had on a diaper with nothing else. My hair was long down my back and I could even feel it tickling my back.

Wait a minute…it wasn’t my fault! I was so little! I was just a baby! I couldn’t even hold my bladder, hence the diapers and to think that my whole life I have walked around thinking that I could have prevented this event from occurring. I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t even know that what he was doing was wrong. I was only two years old. I dealt with the event at two as a true innocent, however my entire life I viewed the event through the eyes of an adult and never had given grace to myself.

After telling Libby how I could see myself for the first time in this memory, she then asked me how I would like to feel about this memory. I told her that I wanted to feel and remember that it wasn’t my fault, that I am not defenseless and I can choose to defend myself. I am not powerless. She asked that I say these words over and over in my mind as she waved her hand back and forth again. As I said these words to myself, I saw my two-year old self. I saw my innocence and finally I gave grace to that little girl.

After the session, I could not believe that I no longer felt tired. I wasn’t yawning anymore and my body did not feel weak and numb. I felt lighter and more free. A heavy load had been taken off my shoulders and even now, weeks later, when I remember this event, I only see myself. I don’t see Joel and the anger no longer envelopes my soul. My anger is gone and I only feel love for that little girl.

Thank you, Libby!

I urge everyone who has traumatic events that still haunt them to try EMDR. It is not hocus-pocus and definitely works. I had EMDR treatment over two years ago and can still think about my first memory without the horrible emotions that used to be attached to it. It is no longer traumatic and I am ever so grateful for this therapy.

Have you tried EMDR? If so, what was your experience like?

Monday, October 20, 2008

Have You Ever Seen a Fat Anorexic?

Here is the post that I've been dreading to write for a while. Why have I been dreading to write it? Because it's about a subject that a lot of people don't want to face much less proclaim to the world. I'll make a very long story short. I'm fat. There you go.

What's strange to me is not the fact that I'm fat. What's odd is that I used to be anorexic/bulimic years ago. Have you ever heard of a fat anorexic? Well, now you have because here I am.

Let's go back in time a bit. My mother grew up in a household where weight was discussed like the weather. Her adopted mother who we called "Aunt Jessie" always had sweet stuff laying around the house and would have the audacity to tell Momma that she was fat when she was a little girl. Don't get me wrong...Aunt Jessie was a very good woman and really took care of Momma and me, for that matter. She just had a hang-up about weight and would tell the world what she weighed when no one could care less. I remember one time going to an ice cream shop with her and her telling the morbidly obese guy behind the counter that he "must eat a lot of ice cream around here to look like that". She said that right to his face. I could have died it was so embarrassing and I felt so bad for the guy. She could be vicious about weight, that's for sure.

Momma told me a story about when she was little Aunt Jessie used to make clothes for her and one day made striped pants. The stripes were vertical except for the stripes across the butt in the back. They were horizontal and really made my Mom embarrassed because she felt it made her behind look larger that it actually was. I remember one time Aunt Jessie telling me that my butt was a shelf because it was so big you could set a pie on it.

Did I tell you that Aunt Jessie weighed 113 pounds? She would spin in her grave if I didn't mention that. Also note that she was about 5 foot 4 inches tall. So, she was pretty petite anyway whereas Momma is about 5 foot 10 inches and even if she starved herself could never be called "petite".

When I was a little girl I remember all of the diets Momma went on. The cabbage soup diet, grapefruit diet, Fiber Trim, blah, blah, blah. I wanted to emulate her and so I would go on all of the diets with her. I remember when she was very active physically and would work out all of the time and took so many diet pills and supplements her hand could hardly hold all of the pills she swallowed in the morning. I remember being seven years old and crunching ice cubes all day for days because I didn't want to gain weight. I ate ice cubes and nothing else until I got so hungry I ate the house down.

As a teenager eating the house down wasn't very good because I really noticed my weight then. Eating the house down also made me feel guilty that I had eaten so much and so I started purging the food I ate. I don't remember doing it for the first time. I don't remember how I even had the idea to do it. I just know that it was something that I did for years. I would go through periods of starvation only to follow it up with binging and purging. I was never happy while doing it because I thought I looked like an obese monster when looking into the mirror. I was always on the quest to lose that "last five pounds". It was never ending.

While eating dinner with my parents, I would take some of my food and hide it in my napkin and throw it away when they weren't looking. They never had a clue until that fated day Momma walked in the bathroom while I was about to step into the bathtub. She said that she saw my back and was horrified when seeing all of the bones sticking out. She said she knew then that I had a problem.

The next day after eating dinner, I excused myself to the bathroom as I always did to purge and Momma stopped me asking where I was going. I told her that I needed to use the bathroom and she went off asking what I planned to do in there. Of course I lied saying that I just needed to go to the bathroom and she asked if I was going to throw up. I told her of course not while starting to cry and then the drama really started that night. There was a lot of screaming and crying and the last words to me was that she was taking me to a counselor. I told her that there was no way that I would go and stomped out of the room. I was 16 at the time.

A few Saturdays later Momma asked if I wanted to go shopping and I said, "Sure". Before I knew it we were downtown in front of a brick office building. It was a psychologist's office and I was completely pissed off. I told her that I wouldn't talk at all and we walked inside. At the end of the hour I was talking.

I went for a year.

Thinking back to that time in my life, I still can't believe that the sexual abuse Momma had just found out about when I was 16 was never mentioned to the counselor. She always told the psychologist that I had issues with my biological father not having anything to do with me and that I was angry because of it. She never talked about her issues with weight either.

Starvation, binging and purging was a great way for me to feel in control of my life because believe me, I felt I had no control over anything and never did. Sexual abuse started when I was two years old and continued throughout the years and by different people. Sure, I was very upset about my biological father not wanting anything to do with me. I still have issues with rejection as an adult. I just wish that the psychologist would have talked with me about everything. I wish Momma had told him everything. Maybe I would be better off now.

Here are a few pictures of when I was in high school in the tenth grade. Please note the terrible short haircut. That is an entire story to itself. Well, I'll go ahead and tell it. When I was little (under five years old), I would always go to bed with bubble gum in my mouth. A lot of mornings my hair would be in knots with sticky gum that my Mom went nuts over. She would use butter, oil, etc to try and get the gum out. At night she would check my mouth for gum and I would hide it in my mouth saying I didn't have any. The next morning more gum was in my hair. Momma got really angry and said that if I go to bed with gum in my mouth one more time she was going to cut my hair and I would never be allowed to have long hair as long as I lived in her house. The next morning I woke up with gum in my hair and she chopped it off. Momma always had very short hair (above her ears) and she made me have short hair until I moved out. I was never allowed to grow it again while living with her.

At least she was consistent, I guess, but it really burns me up still just thinking about it. Needless to say my hair is longer as an adult.

Anyway, here are some pics.

Bad pictures to say the least. I am the one with the dark, short hair. Can you believe the outfits we wore back in the 80's? OMG...

This was taken on "Career Day". My friends and I decided that we would have a construction company and dressed the part. I am the short-haired with a sharp as hell chin jutting out (always hated my chin) sitting on the end.

This picture was taken after high school and after I had "graduated" from the psychologist. My hair was finally starting to grow out (I had moved out from my parents) but I still had braces. My friend Elaine had done my hair and makeup that night. We were so makes me giggle to see that picture. I had dinner with her the other night. It was wonderful to see her again after so long.

I'm sure that you all have seen the following pictures.They are my favorite ones:

The following pictures you can see that I'm gaining weight. My face gets SOOOO fat. It really shows the weight.

OK, this is what I looked like more recently. It is so embarrassing to show all of these photos:

This is me and my husband.


I look like a tub of lard sitting on that couch in my husband's studio. I am sitting beside my very sweet mother-in-law and friends of my husband who visited from Amsterdam.

Since these pictures I've gained about ten more pounds. I am now at a whopping 230 pounds (standing at 5 foot 8 inches). Last year I had gotten all the way to 250 which is the most I've ever weighed in my life. I lost 40 pounds while stopping smoking, but over time I've gained a little back.

So, how does an anorexic/bulimic become fat? It happens over time and it happens when you don't look at yourself. What I mean about not looking at yourself is that I literally don't look at myself. When needing to wear makeup, I focus only on what makeup I'm putting on. If it's eye makeup, I look at my eye, not my entire face and so on.

I learned to stop starving/binging/purging with my psychologist years ago, but I never learned how to effectively lose weight without obsessing about it. I've always been afraid that if I really start trying to lose weight I'll become obsessed and start purging again. I don't want to start that cycle ever.

Last year when losing 40 pounds I completely changed the way I ate and it worked. What I need to do now is start exercising. That is one thing I don't do and have a job where I sit the entire day (and sometimes evening) behind a computer not moving. I've done that for years and it really doesn't help.

If you haven't noticed, I've made two goals for myself and posted it on my blog. One goal is easy...lose 10 pounds. The other goal is the overall goal of losing 70 pounds. Hopefully it will help. We shall see.

If you've actually read all of this, thank you for listening. I'm glad I didn't create another blog for weight loss because really....this problem is part of who I am and is something that bothers me A LOT.

I feel so very ugly and seeing myself in the pictures today really makes me feel out of control. I was shocked by the last pictures because guess what? I have never really looked at them.

I feel really bad right now even talking about it. I'm going to take a break from all this writing.

Take care, everyone.

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