Happy Halloween!

My husband remembered my birthday around 10:30am yesterday. He then brought roses to me at work with a card. It was nice to see him and the roses were beautiful. He also ordered a cake for me which we enjoyed last night.

My daughter was acting like a strange bird yesterday. She never said anything about my birthday and when I asked her about it, she said that she kept remembering it was my birthday and then forgetting and doesn't know why she didn't say anything about it. In the past she has forgotten, but this time to know that she remembered and didn't say anything is very strange to me.

She didn't act like herself yesterday at all. I asked her if everything was OK and did anything happen at school and she said that she was fine. I could tell that she did feel bad about not saying anything about my birthday. It's just so weird the way she acted. I really don't understand.

I'm still celebrating my birthday. I love that it comes right before Halloween. I always squeeze more days out for my birthday every year.

I'm excited about next weekend because my best friends from high school and I are going out for my birthday. I went ahead and told my family that my birthday doesn't end until November 7. :)

Tonight my daughter is babysitting and won't be home. My husband and I both have homework to do, so I think that we will just lay in bed and do homework to get it over with. Tomorrow night my daughter is going to her boyfriends house to pass out candy with their family. My husband and I will be passing out candy at our house. I always enjoy doing that because I love seeing the little children in their costumes. My favorite costumes are the little bumblebee and ladybug babies.

I hope that you all have a wonderful and safe Halloween weekend. Thank goodness the time changes and we get an extra hour this weekend!

Happy Birthday to Me

Today I am 38 years old. Having Facebook is nice because I woke up this morning with a load of birthday wishes from a lot of people, which was very sweet. I received a text from my ex-husband with birthday wishes as well. This morning I saw my daughter and husband before leaving for work and neither of them said a word. It's now 10:31am and I still haven't heard from my husband. My daughter called me this morning from school asking if I could bring her blue binder because she forgot it and she never said a word about my birthday. Maybe they have plans for tonight and want to act like they forgot? I'm not sure. If they did forget though, I need to get them both a Facebook account so that it will remind them next year.

This entire week I have been in a depressed funk. Thankfully, today I feel better and am happy at this birthday present from depression. At least it's not tormenting me as badly today.

I apologize to everyone for not posting responses to your comments in my blog. I receive them all via e-mail and wish that Blogger had a way that I could reply to the mail and it would post a response back. My laptop is almost dead. I sit and wait for 15 minutes just to power it up and load Internet Explorer or Firefox. I need a new laptop badly and try hard not to use it. It's really cut down on my Internet time. I do check others blogs on my cellphone, but it's really not the same.

Hopefully, the birthday fairy will bring a new laptop to me tonight. :) I highly doubt it, though!

Oh, to be Skinny...

Today on the elevator at work I was riding up with a very skinny woman. She must have been in her 40's. I stood there and thought to myself how lucky she is to look like that.

I've lost seven pounds so far. Just under 250 finally and feel that getting to 160 will take forever. It is a huge mountain to climb. I fortify myself with raw vegetables and I am tired of it. Why does it have to be so difficult?

My husband and I still haven't had sex. I don't even know how long it's been now. At least six months? He says that he wants to now, but I just can't after what he's said about my weight in the past. We talked about it last night and I cried myself to sleep.

We talked about what he said in the past about my weight "changing the sexual experience" for him. I asked him to explain more and he said that for him sex is a physical act and not emotional like it is for me. He said that the actual mechanics of having sex are different now and not as comfortable because I have more weight on my body. From a rational perspective, I understand what he means. From an emotional state, it destroys me.

What gets me is that he looks at porn and masturbates to it. I know that he does. He really doesn't need me. He has told me in the past that he prefers masturbation anyway. I don't know for sure, but I'm pretty positive that he masturbates to porn at least once a day if not more. I feel so disgusted with myself that I don't masturbate at all. I have been horny lately but I do nothing about it.

He said last night that he feels really bad about the way I feel. He said that he wants to be honest because I kept asking him in the past why we weren't having sex but that he also feels that he can't or shouldn't be honest with me in the future about stuff like this because of how badly it hurt my feelings. He says that he feels like he is "paying" for being honest now. I completely understand that as well.

He said last night once again that we need to go to a counselor to talk about it. He really is pushing the counseling, though I haven't made an appointment yet.

He has been feeling better physically and mentally lately and has been quite nice around the house. It's times when he is feeling good and isn't stressed out and full of anxiety, being angry all the time, etc. that I'm happy to be together....except for the underlying problems that are buried quite deep.

I told him last night that even if I lose weight and we do have sex again that I will feel having sex with him is conditional and that if I gain weight again, he won't want to be with me. He said that sex isn't conditional with me and that he doesn't want me to feel this way. I told him that I work (am the breadwinner) and provide for the house and bills and try to be a good wife and mother and feel that I'm still not good enough for him. I feel that I have to be perfect in every way for him to be interested in me sexually. He said that it's not true.

I really don't know what's true anymore other than I feel very ugly.

Dog Food - A Constipation Aid

My husband has been having a lot of digestive issues lately that include horrible bloating, extreme constipation and then diarrhea along with horrible cramping. This has been going on for the last two weeks and he has been utterly miserable.

He's from Morocco and hates going to doctors and taking medicine. When he went to the doctor twice in one week I knew that he was near death. Not to mention all the different medicines he has been trying as well.

The other day he called while in the doctor's office. He was filling out the form where it asks your history and he called to ask what medicines he's been taking because he couldn't remember them all by name. I told him that he's been taking Miralax, an enzyme supplement, Beneful, etc. He asked how to spell Beneful and I spelled it out for him and we got off the phone.

The next morning he came into the bedroom while I was getting ready laughing and said, "I can't believe you had me write down 'Beneful' on that form yesterday. I said, "Why? That's what you've been taking". He said, "No, I just fed the dogs and saw 'Beneful' on the label. Beneful is a dog food! I've been taking BENEFIBER!!!!".

We laughed our butts off about that. He said that they must not have noticed because the nurse or doctor didn't even comment about it. He said that if they noticed it, they would have said, "No wonder you're having such digestion issues...you shouldn't be eating dog food!"

The last few days with him have been better. He's up and down as usual, but mostly up which is good. I think he feels better about going to the doctor and trying to get help for himself. They want to do a colonoscopy but it hasn't been scheduled yet.

I am doing alright. I'm just tired all the time as usual. I am tired of being tired. I got to work a bit early this morning and can hardly concentrate on what I need to get done. What I do is so technical at times and you have to be in the right frame of mind to do it. Writing this post is easy peasy because hardly any thinking is involved.

I start school again on October 12. I'm not looking forward to one of the classes because I think it's going to kick my bum. I'm very worried it will mess up the 4.0 GPA. I don't know why I care about that damn GPA. It's not like anyone will ask me what my GPA is when finishing university.

There is no segue to the next subject. I was reading CNN last night and saw that there is a practice called "crushing". It's where a woman is videotaped crushing a small animal (like a rabbit) with her bare foot or wearing a spiked heel. The woman's face isn't shown, but it's some type of sexual fetish. I was floored to say the least. Have you heard about this? Are you as shocked as me?

Gas in my Tank

Last Monday I weighed myself and was a whopping 253.7. I've been eating like a rabbit since then all the while wondering why I was doing it because I was convinced that I would never lose weight again.

Today I weighed and am 248.8, which is five pounds lighter! Yay! You have no idea how happy I am. I haven't been under 250 in such a long time.

This news is like putting gas in my diet tank. I can keep doing this and I will. I am finally motivated because I see a difference. Before I was just losing faith in myself.

I am a Rabbit

Right now I am crunching spinach leaves. This week I've revamped what I eat and now eat the following each day:

• 2 cups of raw spinach
• 1 cup of raw carrots
• 1 cup of raw cucumbers
• 1 cup of raw green peppers
• 1 cup of raw tomatoes
• 1 cup of raw soybeans
• 1 cup of some other bean like garbanzo, black bean, kidney bean, etc.
• 1 cup of fish (salmon or tuna)
• 1 or 2 hard boiled eggs
• 1 apple
• 1 pear
• 2 cups of green tea
• A lot of water

I love vegetables. Don't need to add vegetable oils or dressings because they taste great by themselves.
The only bad thing I've had each day is one iced coffee from Starbucks. I want to stop doing that soon. It's just my one indulgence right now.

My body has been revolting with the change. It always does at first. I'm sure it will go back to normal soon.
What I wouldn't give for some pasta and bread though. I'm not a chocolate/potato chip snacker. My downfall is bread and pasta. I love milk as well, but am not drinking that either right now.

I checked and it's 1105 calories a day. I thought it would be less for some reason. I didn't realize how many calories garbanzo beans have and won't be eating those anymore.

I'm crunching a carrot while asking myself why it has to be so difficult. I also ask myself if it's worth it. I weighed myself Monday and was 253 pounds. I will weigh again next Monday to see if I've lost anything. I really want to weigh myself now but realize it wouldn't be a good idea. The only reason why I want to weigh is to experience instant gratification because right now this is so difficult. At the same time, if I do jump on the scales and don't see progress I'll want to rip my hair out and scream in frustration, so I'll just wait.

I think someone has a blog called, "Wait to Weight" or something like that. I completely understand what they mean now.

Junior Pics

Here is my girly...I love her so very much!

Horny as Hell

I go from being completely depressed to completely horny. I haven't had sex in over four months now!

I am sitting here at work and can hardly stay sitting in my chair because I want to fuck so badly. I apologize for being so rude, it's just that "fuck" is the most applicable word. I don't want to "make love" or even "have sex". It's such a primal urge that I'm feeling and it's terrible!!

My husband now says that he wants to have sex, but I don't want to. I think that is a pretty safe thing for him to say now since I don't want to with him. Who would want to have sex with someone who considers you fat, obese and horrible? Well, he never said "horrible" or "fat", but he DID say "obese" and that it "changes the sexual experience".

That's a real turn-on.

That really puts me in the mood.

I can imagine the whole time we're doing it I'll be thinking terrible things about myself in my mind and imagining what he's thinking the entire time.

It is torture to think about.

So, I don't want sex with him.

But I do want sex....NOW.

I am really angry with him. Very angry. I don't think I've said that before. It's gotten to the point that when he talks I think the word, "asshole" in my mind. It's just second nature now.

We really need to go to a counselor, but we haven't yet because I've been taking my daughter to counseling and it cost $45 a pop and she's going once a week for right now. After her appointments lessen in number over time, we'll start going.

If we're still together by then....UGH.

Sing Me to Sleep

I'm tired and I want to go to bed....
Don't try to wake me in the morning cause I will be gone.
Don't feel bad for me.....
I want you to know...
Deep in the cell of my heart I really want to go.

This song from the Smiths keeps echoing through my brain.

I just want to go to bed and never wake up.

I realize this is the depression digging deeper roots. It really doesn't want to let me go. At least someone (thing?) likes me, I guess.

I am at work. Haven't missed any time. I am trying to manage. Don't want to repeat this vicious cycle.

I am a hamster in the wheel of depression....and a fat one at that.

At an Impasse

I bought another pack of cigarettes even though I threw away the other pack I had last week. I've had a few of them and am sick of smoking them. I hate the smell of them, hate the way I smell after smoking them and while smoking them wonder what the hell I'm doing. I just had a cigarette at lunch and am back at my desk wanting to throw the pack away. Why do I keep doing this? I guess it boils down to cravings and felt I had to have a cigarette and bought a pack. I just realized while typing this. I lack discipline. This is why it's good to blog. You sometimes realize things about yourself while seeing it typed out or visitors to your blog realize it for you.

I wasn't hungry today at all and got lunch anyway. I had a salad because I thought I would probably get hungry by the afternoon and then would be stuck. I should have not eaten a darn thing. Now I am so full I feel sick and once again realize that I lack discipline.

I am getting bigger and bigger and bigger. My clothes are restricting while I refuse to buy larger ones. I look like a whale shark. I feel like a stuffed pig. Just give me an apple to stick in my mouth and call it a day. It will suit my physique just perfectly.

Two days ago I mowed the front and back yard. My muscles are still complaining from it. This morning I could hardly get out of bed and walk because my muscles were screaming with pain. That is how out of shape I am....I can't even cut the grass.

My knees hurt while walking and I get out of breath. I am getting hot all of the time because of the stores of fat all over my body. I feel like I breathe heavily while sitting because my lungs don't have enough room to expand with all the fat cells squashing them down. Even my eyelids are fat.

While typing this I got a granola bar out and am munching it. I'm full! I don't need it! But yet I do. The more I talk about my weight the more I want to eat. I just want to eat until I'm so full I pop and this shit is finally over.

It's funny really because I normally don't eat a lot at all. I'm not one of those comfort food eaters. I don't eat candies, chips or cookies. I don't eat granola bars. It's just lately I am so focused on my weight that I feel like an alien to myself and for some reason want to eat. It reminds me of my days of bulimia. When I was a teenager I would eat loads of food and vomit it up so that I could eat more. I would eat 10 bowls of cereal, throw up and eat 10 more, throw up, eat 10 more, etc. until all of the cereal in the house would be gone. I was skinny then. The only difference now is that I'm not making myself throw up. I want to, but I don't let myself get into the cycle because it was so difficult to stop before. Yet, I am sorta in that cycle, really.

I am going to weigh myself. It's been a while. There are scales in the building. Be right back....

I am back, huffing, puffing and wheezing because I actually walked. Went to the scales and found that I'm 253.2 pounds, which is 114.9 kilos or 18.09 stone for the Brits out there. The scales are located beside the vending machines and I stopped and purchased some peanut M&M's and a peanut butter Moon Pie. I never eat that shit, but today I will. Why not? I thought I was 260, and I'm actually seven pounds less than that, so by all means I need to eat! Even though I feel like I could vomit, I'm going to pack this shit in anyway.

Wow, while typing I'm getting really angry. Curious. I usually don't get angry. I am the depressed, emo type who just cries. Not now...I could smack the shit out of something at the moment.

You know, at least it's food I guess. If I was a drug user, I think tonight you would find me a lot like DJ AM who just died with 8 OxyContin not even all the way dissolved in his stomach, the ninth one still in his mouth, not even swallowed, laying on a bag of weed with a crack pipe beside him. At least he was skinny. Maybe I need to switch to drugs. What would my drug of choice be? I hate feeling out of control of my body, so which one would it be...hmmmm....

This peanut butter Moon Pie tastes like shit, but I'm going to eat it anyway. I should wash it down with a Mountain Dew or milkshake if I had one.

OK, just finished the Moon Pie and on to the M&M's! I'm not a big chocolate eater. I like dark chocolate, but don't eat a lot of it. M&M's I only eat them if going to the movies.

What the fuck am I doing?

Now the wimp is coming back and I want to cry. I'm no longer angry. I am lost. I don't know who I am. I am barely chewing the M&M's...just swallowing them to get it over with. I want to go to bed. I don't want to go to bed. I want to die. I don't want to die. I want to be a thousand pounds and not be able to get out of my house without a forklift breaking down a wall and getting me. I want to be skinny.

I want and want and want and want while increasingly becoming more empty inside. Nothing can fill this emotional chasm.

Vomitous Musings

I quit smoking for two years and have started again. I started back when I was trying to find a job and didn't think much about it. Just thought that I was stressed and it would help during the craziness. I now have a job and am continuing to smoke. I just went outside at work and had one and feel sick. I just want to stop doing it. I don't get any joy from it and it's no longer helping, but hindering my health.

For the past few days I've felt like a sinus infection is coming on. I used to get a lot of sinus infections when smoking years ago and that is one of the reasons why I stopped. When I feel the symptoms reappear in the last few days, it's another reason why I want to stop now. My throat has started hurting, ears hurt and now my body is hurting as well. I have a constant headache and am completely exhausted. When I wake up in the morning I can't breathe through my nose at all and am tired of it being stuffy.

I'm glad I wrote about this. Just seeing the words has made me decide that it's time to quit again. Hold on while I throw my cigarettes away.....

There we go. I just threw away what I have and don't intend to buy anymore. I quit cold turkey last time and can do it again.

I also notice the way my clothes smell when smoking and can't stand it. I never really noticed it back when I smoked all of the time. Now I do notice and hate smelling this way. After smoking I always wash my hands and use "Midnight Pomegranate" (from Bath and Body Works) antibacterial hand foam because I love how it smells and also how it eradicates the smoky smell. I use it all the time anyway and it really helps while smoking.

Now I won't be using it after smoking a cig anymore because once again, I'm done. It's over.

I feel relief while typing that.

Another thing that is really getting to me is my weight. Yes, I've blogged about it in the past, but it's getting to the point where even my "fat" clothes are getting tight and damn if I'm going to buy a larger size. I don't feel comfortable in my clothes at all and feel like I've been wrapped in cellophane every day. Even when I breathe, my clothes feel like they have constricted around me and won't let me get a full breath.

I'm rarely hungry. I don't eat a lot. I'm even getting to the point that nothing tastes good anymore and wish that I didn't have to eat at all. I've thought of just stopping eating, but that is my anorexic brain whispering words of intoxication into my ear. As I've blogged before, I'm a fat anorexic. I used to be anorexic for years and was very skinny. Even when skinny I was never happy because I always thought I could lose just five more pounds. When I see pictures of myself back then I can't believe how great I looked compared to now.

My husband asked to have sex again last night. I declined. Not only do I not feel good, but I don't feel like it with him anyway as I've written about before.

I've decided to stay with my husband until my insurance starts the first of September. He says that he really wants to go to counseling. He says that he also wants to go to a doctor to see what could be wrong with him mentally and will take any meds they may prescribe. This may turn out to help a lot of things between us and so I will persevere. If either things don't get better, or he doesn't go to counseling, a doctor, or take meds, it is over. I will then feel I did everything to make the marriage work and will have no regrets or feel that I could have done something more.

As soon as my insurance starts I am also going to visit a doctor to get all tests done under the sun to help with my weight and health. I am tired of being overweight. I do not look to food for comfort and don't eat a lot, but the weight makes me look like I shove Twinkies in my mouth 24/7. I don't eat candy, cakes, cookies, potato chips, etc. I love fruits and vegetables and eat them a lot. I went to a gym and worked out for a month and gained four pounds. I cried and didn't go back afterwards.

I am going to go back though because I've noticed since stopping going that I feel more tired all of the time and don't have the same endurance I had before.

Work is going alright, just a lot of projects that need to be completed. School is fine. I made a 97 on my term paper, 98 on my mid-term and 96 on my presentation. I have 100's in my other class.

My mind is a sieve and I feel like I'm just vomiting on the page. I feel like doing that most of the time anyway due to my clothes wrapping around me like a boa constrictor.

At least I threw away my cigarettes. Maybe that will be a start in a new direction.

It's All About Him

I am sitting at work in my cube about to cry. I am trying to work, but cannot get out of my mind how upset I am becoming with my husband. I am hoping that I will feel better after writing this and can go on with my day.

I am getting to the point in our relationship where I don't even like him much anymore as a person. I wish I could tell him this, but I can't, just like I can't tell him a lot of things because he will go off on some long tangent of how he feels and completely miss the point of how I feel.

He is not respectful to me. He can be picking on me and hurt me physically and I tell him to stop and he won't. Then he makes fun of me for it hurting and says that I am making a big deal out of nothing. He loves to push people's buttons. Well, I say people, but I am meaning my daughter and me. Just yesterday she was playing solitaire and he went to her, took the cards and started flipping them everywhere. She told him to stop and he wouldn't and she got highly irritated. Then he got after her for being upset and acted like it was her problem.

He is like a little boy looking around for a problem and then complaining when people don't like what he's doing.

He will drape his legs and feet all over me in bed and I don't like it and tell him to stop because he makes me feel like he's using me and he's heavy but if we are on the couch and I drape one toe on him he tells me to stop. I stopped wanting him to drape himself all over me after he didn't want me to touch him. This has been something that has been happening over a very long period of time and I am at the point that I don't even want him to touch me.

Yet at the same time, I wish he would do things like hold my hand or show affection. He rarely does this. If I go to him and hold his hand, he takes it away after a small amount of time if not right away. If I hug him, he pats my back like I am a child or picks on me and makes fun of me for wanting a hug. He can never just give hugs because I need one.

In fact, he doesn't seem to want to give any of himself.

My 20th high school reunion is coming up. I didn't go to the 10th year because I wasn't interested. This year I am interested and want to go more because this is an American thing that people do, kinda like prom, and I want to try it out. I asked my husband if he wanted to go and he said no. Remember that he is Moroccan. I understand that he doesn't understand the traditions here. He wasn't raised here. I get it. But once again, what he wants to do is more important than what I want to do. Or so it seems to me.

He complained that I never hang out with these people anyway, so what is the point. He then went on to say that no one in this area provides any intellectual stimulation for him and he doesn't want to waste his time with anyone. I have some best friends from high school. They have some problems, as all people in life do, and he doesn't want anything to do with them. He complained that they have nothing to give him and I asked him why does a person have to give him anything? In reality, they aren't the most educated, but they do know a lot, and they are caring people just trying to make it in this world and they do care about us. It is fun to hang out with them and I care about them a lot. I love their children as well. They would give us their last dollar if they thought we needed it. That isn't enough for my husband. They have to provide intellectual and cultural stimulation for him AND have no issues at all. Basically, they need to be better than my husband so that he can look up to them and feel that he is learning something from them in order to feel that he should "waste" his time with them.

It makes me sick.

No one is good enough for him. I really don't understand why he married me. I am no intellectual or cultural giant for him and I'm fat. So, what did he find so compelling with me?

I cried when he said that he wasn't going to the reunion and told him that I would feel embarrassed if he didn't go and he said that "everything is so emotional with me" and that he is tired of it. He said that we just need to coexist. What the fuck? I feel that we coexist anyway, but I ask myself if we are married or not.

What is the damn point? I can coexist with a roommate and have more fun and less stress, if he really wants to know.

We never do anything with each other anymore and that includes things I do with my daughter. He stays home. If I go out with my friends, he stays home. When he and I go out, which is rare, it always ends in a fight or some emotional drama. I don't even want to go out with him anymore. If I go anywhere with others, he goes somewhere else or stays home. It's like we have different lives.

We still haven't had sex. He says that it's me now because he would like to. But I ask you, would you like to have sex with someone who considers you to be obese? Wouldn't you feel embarrassed the entire time you share that intimate moment? Wouldn't you worry what he was thinking about?

After he said that I was too emotional about the reunion, he then leaned over and whispered in my ear that he was sorry and he would go to the reunion with me. He said that he needs to learn to give me what I need.
The fact of the matter is that I have questioned myself on what needs he fulfills, and really I can honestly say none. I asked him the same thing and he said that he knows that he doesn't fulfill my needs. I asked him if I fulfill his or name needs that I don't fulfill and he said that I fulfill all of them. Do you know why I do? Because I fucking work at it. I do things that I don't want to do sometimes to fulfill his needs. That is fucking life. I wish he would get it sometimes.

Some Good News

I made a 98 on my political science mid-term exam and a 100 on my database management systems mid-term. Not too shabby. Still holding that 4.0 GPA. If only I can last.

The job has been going good. Seven projects have been assigned to me already and it feel like I'm drowning. I'm sure it will get easier over time.

I'm still married. My husband said that he really wants to make this work. We are going to get family counseling and he said that he will attend, which is a good thing. I hope that it helps. He also said that he would go to a psychiatrist to see if any meds will help him because he can't stand the chaos he endures and gives to others. My insurance starts September 1 and I'm hoping that he will still go then.

Taking a break from class and need to get back. I love my political science teacher. He reminds me of my grandfather who died when I was ten years old. I just sit in the front row, staring and listening to him. I wish my grandfather was still alive. I've missed him so much over the years.

The Window to my Soul

Today I was in a team status meeting at work and noticed that two people stared at me quite a bit. This doesn't usually occur and I wondered if there was something between my teeth, something in my hair or anything that would cause their curiosity. As I left, one of the people asked how I was doing. I said "Fine", smiled and walked to the bathroom.

For the first time in a while I actually looked at myself to see what could be wrong. Nothing was in my hair or teeth and nothing was protruding from my forehead to cause concern. I continued to look and then noticed my eyes and was shocked.

They look dead.

It looks like they have a muted expression and depression is screaming out of their orbs. Even the skin around my eyes is dark, which is not usual at all. One of my best features is my eyes, not only for the color, but also the expression they continually radiate. They are truly the window to my soul. Right now I think my soul is broken. It's black and my eyes reflect no light or joy.

It is quite surreal to see. I knew something broke inside of me last night. I felt it mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. I wonder if my husband will notice it tonight.

The Numbness

I am at work this morning and sending this to my blog account via e-mail. I never get to my blog these days it seems. Most of the time I don't know what to write about. There are times that occur few and far between where I do want to write, but in those times I'm driving down the road or in a place where I don't have my computer. By the time I get to my computer I have nothing to say again.

I have nothing to say because I'm at a point in my life where I just feel numb. So much has gone on that it feels like information overload and my mind's defense mechanism is to blanket myself in numbness. It works in the moment, but it gets to the point where I can't feel any more. If I do have a bout of feeling, extreme sadness pervades my being and the numbness returns.

The good thing is that my work has not been affected. I've decided that I can't let it be affected any more. No matter what I have to drag myself in and really, when I get into work at least I can stop focusing on the pain of my personal life for a bit.

I don't know who I am physically when I look in the mirror; therefore, I don't look at the mirror much. I have gained so much weight it appears that I'm dragging another person around with me all of the time. The huge clothes I wear are getting tight and the pounds continue to swallow me whole. It has changed my entire face, profile and aura. I feel that the more stress occurring in my life, the more the weight sticks to me like a parasite. In a perverse way, I wish I could go on one of those reality shows like "Biggest Loser" to be able to escape to a place where I work on myself and have someone that only cares about my best interests. I obviously don't care about my best interests or I would change everything.

My sex life is nonexistent. The other night my husband did ask if I wanted to and though I did want to physically, I didn't want to with him. I feel so ugly with him and didn't want to feel like he was porking a beached whale. And yes, I just wrote that. This is how I feel. The way he looks at my body sometimes is downright demeaning. He is an artist and highly visual. I cannot even imagine what thoughts go through his mind when he looks at me like that. He feels that I'm obese. Yes, I am overweight quite a bit, but I'm not 300 pounds. To me, obese is when you are 300 pounds or more if you have my body type and height. There are other people where 300 is not obese, but they are just a proportionally big person.

I feel like I can't have sex with my husband any more. Even if I lose mounds of weight and he wants to be with my physically, I think I will just feel resentful. I have always wanted to have sex with him and it really is a turning point in my life to no longer want to be with him in that sense.

Last night drama ensued again with my husband about my daughter. He really cannot deal with teens. She has her issues as we all do, yet at the same time she's not terrible. In fact, she is quite good. There are times when her hormones run wild and she doesn't think before she acts and can be quite impulsive, but she's not rebellious or evil.

To make a long story short, he said for the umpteenth time that he couldn't deal with things regarding my daughter and was leaving. Two weeks ago he said that he didn't want me to have to choose between him and my daughter but that it looked like it was getting to that point. He has said many times in the past that he was going to leave, but always stayed. Last night was the first time where I felt something break inside of me when he said he was leaving and I know I can't go back.

People say that I have the patience of Job. I don't know if I have that much, but I know that I have a lot. It's great that I can be patient for years on end with someone, yet the other hand, when my patience finally leaves me, it's more like a snap, a sudden breaking of something inside, and that's it. I can't go back.
This time I can't go back.

A while after he said this last night he said that he wasn't going to leave and he wanted to work on things. I have heard this so many times and am tired. I told him that I didn't blame him and think that I am expecting for him to give something of himself that he can't and that it would be best for everyone if it was over. I told him that I wanted to sleep by myself because I'm the type of person where if it is over, it's over and I need to have clear lines drawn in the sand. He ended up falling asleep in the bed anyway.

He was asleep when I left for work. He may think that things are going back to the way they are, but they are not.

I'm done.

Alone at the Beach

Still at the beach. I love Hilton Head Island, SC. It is very beautiful, not too touristy and the beach is so natural. High-rise buildings and tall signs/billboards are not allowed. All store signs must be low to the ground and in earth colors. We are staying in a condo on the beach and the dunes are gorgeous. So far we have seen deer, rabbits and other critters in between our condo and the beach living in the dunes and the beach itself is covered in sand dollars, small blue crabs scuttling around and starfish. Porpoises were frolicking in the surf as well as my favorite pelicans scooping the water hoping for a good catch. The weather has been truly amazing.

My best friend left to go back home with her family. It was a tight fit with everyone. Basically it was ten people in a place set up for six. There were so many children sleeping in the living room/kitchen area that you couldn't make coffee or even get to the sink in the morning until everyone woke up. My best friend got out of the psychiatric hospital this past Friday and seeing her here at the beach was wonderful. She is doing better now than she has in a long time. She commented last night while we floated in the pool that she feels more relaxed than she has in years. I'm very happy for her....and relieved. I'm worried that when she gets home she will become overwhelmed with reality and I won't be there to help her. I told her husband to remind her that there has been great progress and to take it one step at a time.

My husband is at home. Every day he says that he will drive out here, but has not. Every day there has been some type of phone drama with him and frankly I am tired. Last night I cried a lot and this afternoon I cried again because I couldn't get in touch with him and I was scared he ended it all. He's been talking about it for days, if not weeks, and when I called the neighbor who said that the car was there and he wouldn't answer the door, I just knew it was the end. I was frantic with worry and he finally called. His phone was in the bedroom vibrating while he was in the living room not hearing it. I just broke down in tears and told him that he frightened me. He promised to call if he was going to do it, though this doesn't set my mind at ease. I, of all people, know that a decision like that can be impulsively made and I don't put much stock into thinking he would pick up the phone first.

Since my friends left I was on the beach alone. My daughter is here with my nephew from France, his friend from France along with my best friends daughter who is my daughters friend. They bounced between the pool, beach and condo during the day while I hung out under an umbrella on the sand. My mind continually went through everything on my mind and it was difficult to think about much else. I looked around and noticed that not many people were by themselves at the beach. It felt quite lonely to see other families spending time together while my husband sits at home. I wonder if I am married sometimes.

I feel quite down tonight. I am in bed by myself while my husband is miles and miles away. This isn't how it is supposed to be.

And So....

I found a job and started work this past Monday. I worked there two and a half years ago and it was the place where I ended up in the psychiatric hospital. It feels pretty surreal to be back there.

My nephew is here from France along with his friend. My house has been full of teens for two weeks. Sunday we go to the beach for a week. I can't wait. It's my parents timeshare and they gave us a week to go. I am very thankful to them for that.

This past week was spent in training. I go to the beach for a week, which isn't bad at all.

My marriage is a mess.

My husband is mentally ill.

I am fighting depression. It hasn't claimed me yet.

My husband isn't going to the beach with us. He wants to be alone. He says that what he's going through isn't my problem. I really don't know what to think.

Some days I feel we will be divorced soon.

Every day he tells me that he wants to kill himself.

I haven't been able to blog. I have a Facebook account and every once in a while post statuses. Other than that, the creative juice isn't flowing and so I am silent.

I was out of work for eight weeks. I am behind in my mortgage and car payment.

My best friend from high school tried to kill herself. She has four children and I helped out with them while she was in the hospital. She just got out today. She is going to the beach with us. I hope that it will help her.

I am a fat cow. I have gained more weight and now weigh 250. My husband doesn't want to have sex with me. He says that it has changed the sexual experience. Don't get me wrong...I realize I am ugly and fat. I wouldn't want to have sex with myself....but it still hurts my feelings and I still get horny and frustrated and feel even more ugly.

Enough of that....

I am trying to go forward in my life. I am trying to appreciate everything and have gratitude. I am trying to make my marriage work. I am trying to help my daughter navigate the murky waters of her late teenage years. I am trying to try.

Looking, Looking

Every day is spent looking for a job. Nothing has happened, yet. I've been out of work for two weeks.

Tonight I am drinking wine again.

Don't know what to say. I need to blog because it does help. Forcing myself to blog tonight though I just don't know what to say.

I have been trying hard to not let the depression rear it's diabolical head again.These past two days it's been difficult. I don't want to get out of bed, but am forcing myself to.

I am trying to find a reason to continue in life.

I don't know what else to say.

Drunk as Shit

I haven't logged into Blogger for so long it took three times. I am typing like a maniac and continue to make typos. You have no idea how many times I've used the "Backspace" key.

I lost my frickin' job.

It wasn't because I was sick.

It wasn't because I missed a lot of time from work.

If any employer should have fired me from missing work because of depression it should have been my last job.

Not this one.

I was traveling!

Going to Southwest Georgia and Pennsylvania....flying...having a great time!

I loved, LOVED my job.

I worked with people who appreciated me and who I worked with 13 years ago.

I am drunk while typing this.

The "Backspace" key is my friend. I used it while typing this sentence.

I lost my job. I am a loser. I am drunk. I am nothing.

I haven't blogged in a while. I didn't know what to say. Just trying to work and attend school. I didn't want to concentrate on the fucking fact that I have depression. I didn't want to be reminded of it. So, I didn't blog. I didn't type shit about it. I wanted to forget. I was scared I would have another depressive episode and find myself losing time from work. I haven't lost time from work, but I was fired anyway. I was a contractor. They told me not to come back.

I am without a job. I am out of medical insurance already. I have no dental or eye insurance. I have nothing.

I am nothing.

I am like my bioligical father who can't keep a damn job.

I am the breadwinner. I may lose my house.

It's funny because I had finally, FINALLY caught up with my bills other than credit cards. I had finally gotten caught up with everything! And then BAM, no job. It's over. The fat lady has sang.

I have been out of job for two weeks now. I shoot resumes like a machine gun. NOTHING. No jobs...nothing.

I drank a lot of wine tonight hoping to forget. I feel better physically with this wine swirling in my system. Not so much anxiety wracking my body. But I don't forget the fact that I am a loser. I don't forget that. I think I need bottles of Ambien to forget that.

I have missed all of you. I read your blogs secretly via my cell phone. The same cell phone that I will probably lose over time when I can't pay the damn bill because I am out of ajob.

I am nothing.

I am tired of this shit.

I loved that job. I loved everything abougt it.

I was finally happy.

I am now devastated.

Effin' Hell

Too much going on. I hate my laptop. It's so slow and I rarely get on it anymore. I need to start using it a lot more now because school has started back. I really need a new laptop. This one is quite old, no space left and as slow as frozen molasses. Since I can get on the internet with my cellphone I use it all of the time. All of my blogs are bookmarked on the phone and am keeping up that way, though the keyboard is horribly tiny and there are issues posting comments on other's blogs. I also use Facebook constantly, though I never thought I would. I now understand why it's called "Crackbook".

My new job is going well still. I love working there. I've had a few depressive episodes since the last one blogged about, but was able to go in and haven't missed any work since then. I am very thankful for this. I'm going to Georgia in two weeks for work and will be gone for three days. In May I'll be in Pennsylvania for work for four days. I can't wait. With the way things are going at the house, it will be nice to have a break.

I can't even blog about it much right now because there has been so much madness going on at home I feel as if I'm in a psycho ward from Hell. To make a very long story short, we recently found out that my 16 year old daughter snuck out at 2:00am a few weekends back to meet a boy while she was staying at her Dad's house. She went beyond kissing, though I don't think she had sex, but then again with all of the lies she has recently been caught in, I'm not so sure.

I am freaking out about it. This behavior is not normal for my daughter at all. My husband is absolutely freaking out about it. Let's not forget that he is from Morocco and with the way he grew up in his culture, and with the way his father was to live with, this incident has actually stirred up some childhood demons for my husband that he has never gotten over. This past Friday night I was driving him to two psychiatric hospitals and both couldn't take him because they didn't have time to evaluate him. We ended up driving back home and it's been Hell ever since. He has cried, screamed, raged, slept, and everything in between. He never cries, yet he's cried three times since Friday. He has said that he wants to kill himself, cut himself, leave, divorce, get the hell out of here, etc, etc.

My daughter is walking around with an attitude most of the time, yet other times she's sweet. I don't know who she is anymore. I do know that she is not just boy crazy, but obsessed and I don't know what I've done wrong as a parent for this and the other things we found out to happen.

I'll blog more about this later if I can. I need to write it out to perserve for memory's sake, but right now it's just too upsetting and is a problem too much in the forefront of my life that frankly, I'm tired of thinking about.

Climbing Out of the Hole

Once again I am feeling better. Monday and Tuesday were terrible. Yesterday I could finally write a little bit to express how I feel. This morning was difficult but it's getting better.

And the cycle continues.

I haven't been on my laptop in ages. I've been using my mobile phone for everything. The only thing I don't like about it is having issues when wanting to leave blog comments. It drives me nuts.

I need a new laptop. The one I have is old and slow and driving me nuts as well.

I'm still working out at the gym (except for Monday and Tuesday this past week), eating right, taking supplements, etc. I really am trying to change my life. I even get to bed by 10:00pm most nights. Last night it was 9:30pm. Before I stayed up way late and so I'm trying to get more sleep to see if it helps the depression.

I'm still taking Prozac. I'm thinking it may need to be upped a bit and will be discussing it with my doctor.

I think this is the most boring post ever so I'll end it here.

It Never Ends

Here I am again writing about depression. Its vicious grip is back with its scaly hands bound around my throat. It's hanging on for dear life while I'm hanging on for dear death.

I went to get lunch today and stared around the restaurant curious how many people there wanted to die at that moment. Am I the only one thinking about death? Am I the only one wanting to be gone?

Suicide is on my brain once again. When will it end?

Tuesday night a guy I graduated high school with was killed in an automobile accident. Why do I wish it were me?

Working my Butt

Yesterday I went to the trainer for the first time. All I can say is thank God for him because he showed me what to do and it was a success. He is such a motivating guy and I feel lucky to be doing this.

I am pecking this post out on my mobile phone keyboard again so it won't be long. My only access to the Internet lately is my phone and though I've been keeping up with your blogs, I haven't commented. I will go around and do that soon when I get on the laptop next.

Thank you everyone for your encouragement. It means so very much.

*hugs*

Rod the Trainer

I am writing this from my mobile phone. Not sure how it will look, but we'll see.

Right before Christmas a friend gave me a one-year free membership to a local gym. She won it in a charity event and didn't want it. I got the membership right before New Years and never went back. My husband thought it would be best if I start with a trainer to learn how to do the machines and such and I finally made an appointment with one and start today after work.

His name is Rod and he is a great motivator. He says he is going to kick my ass and that is exactly what I need. He already has me started on the protein shakes and has been helping with nutrition tips. I'm really excited. I may actually lose some weight finally.

I'm finally feeling better from the cold crud. The cough won't seem to go away, but other than that I'm a lot better.

I STILL have my monthly!! It won't go away and has been quite painful. I'm not sure if I'll use Ceasonal again. If it keeps going on I really need to see a doc but don't want to take the time off work, so I hope it just stops on its own soon.

I was late to work yesterday and still feel bad about it. I need to yank my butt out of bed, but I recently realized that if I could do anything in the world, I would just want to lay in bed and sleep for the rest of my life.

I always knew that I was a loser and this really proves it.

Needing a Revolutionary Life

Didn't go to work today. Woke up this morning worse than yesterday. Dizzy, hacking and coughing and feel very weak. It would have been better if I didn't go to work yesterday at all and just rested for one more day because last night after getting home from work I felt worse than I had two days previously. So, I called into work and let them know. Not sure what they are thinking. It's obvious to them that I am sick because even yesterday my new manager told me that I should go home because I could hardly talk without coughing. I hope she understood when I called in this morning and doesn't think anything bad about me.

Once again, here I am starting a job and getting sick as a dog. Thank goodness it's not depression this time, but being sick like this hasn't been cake either. I don't remember feeling so bad physically for a long time.

I took an Ambien tonight with a glass of wine so that I will be able to sleep well in order to get up early and get my butt to work.

One annoying thing going on as well is that I have my monthly and I shouldn't have it. I am taking birth control pills named "Ceasonal" and basically you take them for three months straight so you won't have your period. With my period terrors I really wanted to try this to see if it would help. The weirdest thing is that I'm now in week 8 and I started my period! At first it was just a little and I had no pain or emotional issues. Then today the pain is arching down my stomach past my knees like lightning bolts. I then started wondering if it is affecting me mentally without me realizing it. Maybe that is why I thought about downing the bottle of Ambien yesterday for no reason. I have no clue.

Right now I'm just in pain and there is quite a bit of period going on when there should be NONE...NADA..ZILCH. So, I am a little confused with these meds. If anyone has taken Ceasonal, please let me know what your experiences with it have been. I thank you in advance.

While sick I've been reading the book called "Revolutionary Road". Great read, but it really makes me think a lot about my own life and how I need a change. I need to just sell everything and move to Scotland. That was the only place I felt at home. Maybe I will do that as soon as my daughter graduates. Or maybe before then. Who knows...I just need to change things in my life. It will help me mentally, that's for sure.

Suicidal Ideation

I have 40 Ambien in the drawer beside my bed. It's there for no reason. I don't take many Ambien lately anyway unless I am having problems sleeping. So it just sits there unless I need it. I never think about it unless it's time to fill the prescription again before it runs out, so lately the amount of Ambien increases every month.

Until this morning.

Why would I think about that bottle this morning?

I was laying in bed feeling bad from the cold crud stuff I have and hating the fact that I had to get up and get ready to go to work. I just needed one more day to recuperate. I laid in bed and was so sad thinking about how I had to work. I wished that I could stay in bed and take care of myself. Then my mind went further and started thinking about how tired I am of getting up each morning to attend this event called life. I am tired of it all.

Am I depressed thinking this?

Not at all. I don't feel depressed.

I'm just tired.

So, I thought out just downing the bottle. Then I remembered that I needed to write letters to my daughter and husband. Maybe my parents as well.

I had pretty much decided to do it and then realized that my daughter would be the one to find me, so instead I got up out of bed, got ready and went to work.

I am now back home and am tired. Physically I feel more sick with cold grunge I've had and my head feels like it's going to pop off.

Isn't it strange to have these thoughts when I'm not going through a depressive episode? What the hell is my problem?

I can't imagine another 40 years of this shit.

Happy Birthday, Dr. Seuss!

Dr. Seuss is someone I would love to have coffee with. His books and art have always been a part of my life and I am grateful he had so much of his creativity to share with the world.

Finally Able to Blog

Since ramping down on the old job and starting the new job I haven't had much time to get on the internet lately. I was at work my last day working until 6:20pm! On my last day at other jobs I worked maybe a half day or at the latest 3:00pm, but there were things I had to accomplish prior to leaving and I worked all the way to the end. Afterwards they had a going away party for me and we went out. It was a complete blast. I didn't get home until 3:00am! Those folks sure know how to have a good time and are quite serious about having fun. It was very nice to go out with them and the turnout of people was a very nice surprise. Some people I never imaged showed up and it did make me feel good.

I had a few days off and then started the new job. What a massive difference in environment! There isn't a lot of turnover at the new job and some employees have been there for 20 to 30 years. That says a lot about the company and I completely understand why after being there a few days. First off, my cube is more like an office. I even have a plant in it. Everything was completely organized and ready for me to start. I had several meetings scheduled with various employees to learn more about the company. I have a laptop and my desk chair is oh so comfortable. It even has a footrest which looks like a triangle that you put your feet up on in an incline and I love it. Coffee machines are everywhere with REAL coffee beans that you grind prior to making coffee. They actually have liquid and flavored coffee creamers. When you walk around the office you don't feel a huge sense of stress emanating from the employees. If anything it's like a second home. It's obvious that they want to set you up for success and I am pleased as punch to be there. At my last job my feet sat on computer cables and wires all the time and there was no room to even extend your legs!

Where I'm working now is downtown, which I love because it means it's easy to walk around town for some exercise or a quick lunch. People who I worked with years ago are there and it's absolutely wonderful to work with them all again. They are excited that I'm there and it makes me feel good.

There is one thing, though. OF COURSE I had to get sick when I first started. I woke up the night before I started with a horrible sore throat. My daughter had been sick a few days before and it started with a sore throat for her. I went to work the first two days hacking and coughing and feeling terrible. I took a lot of over-the-counter cold medicine and continued to get worse. It finally got to the point that I was having high fevers and could hardly talk without coughing. I went to the doctor and got antibiotics. My new manager was also sick and I never saw her the first week. She called me after I had left several voicemails for her saying to rest up and not worry about missing work after just starting. She said that the way I sounded was terrible and she would rather me not come into the office like that. She was really nice about it all, but damn it, why did I have to get sick when I first started the job?

It reminds me of years ago when I was in my early 20's. I started a job and was sick as a dog on my first day of work. I didn't want to call in sick and went to work anyway. As my new manager was showing me around the office, I felt like I was going to vomit and quickly asked where the bathroom was. As she told me, I felt the bile force itself up and started running down the hallway towards where she said a bathroom was located. I ended up not making it to the bathroom and throwing up all over my hands (as I tried to catch it all), my clothes and the carpet. I almost passed out afterwards from being so sick. I was deathly embarrassed and the manager ended up driving me home because she was scared for me to drive myself. It was terrible.

For some reason when I start a new job I always get sick the first day or two. I never put two and two together until calling my Mom about being sick now and she said, "Why do you and I always get sick when we start a new job?". I then started remembering other new jobs and she's right!

Now, I have to tell another story that I just remembered and this is quite gross, so stop reading if you get grossed out easily.

A few years ago when starting a new job I had been there for a day or two. I had a Yorkshire Terrier dog that slept with me. One night I woke up to this horrible smell, turned over on my pillow and something rank and quite indescribable coated my lips, side of my face and hair. I jumped up, cut on the light and you will never believe what was on my pillow. Diarrhea from my dog! For some reason he got sick in the night, did not jump off the bed and got sick on my pillow. It was all in my hair, face and MOUTH! I threw up from it and afterwards became violently sick for three days. I couldn't eat or anything. It was terrible. Shit is not something you want to taste, let me tell ya.

I feel sick now just thinking about it. I still can't believe it happened.

I have been in bed all weekend with upper respiratory infection/cold junk. I've been taking antibiotics, stuff for congestion and cough. The fevers are what have been getting me. They just tire you out. Today I am finally feeling better, but feel I need just one more day to rest. The weather is completely nasty here. Dreadfully cold and wet. They are calling for three to five inches of snow tonight. The local schools have already sent announcements that they will be closed tomorrow. My daughter is so excited and is spending the night with a friend tonight. I can't believe the schools have already said they will be closed when we haven't even seen one drop of snow and only rain. I actually hope that it does snow like the meteorologist says so that my office will be closed tomorrow and I can rest one more day. If not, I will go into the office anyway. If it does snow I hope the office will close because people don't know how to drive around here with a little ice. I remember one year when there was a 20-something car pile-up while sleeting.

Ohhhh...let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

Six Weird Things About MeMe

John tagged me in a meme where I am to write a blog post of six weird things about myself, choose six people to be tagged and list their names.

First off, regarding the people I'm tagging, let's just say that I'm tagging you right at this moment while you are reading this post. That's right, you can't get away, you can't do anything but go to your blog, write your own meme and let me know that you did so I can learn more about you.

So, on to the six weird things about myself. I guess they are weird. It really depends upon what you define as weirdness, but here we go:

1. When I was a child my cousins and I used to stay at my Granny's house for the summer. They had a farm and we had a blast every year. We were like wild monkeys cavorting around and God bless my Granny's soul that she put up with us. While staying there we would pour handfuls of salt into the palm of our hand until a giant pyramid was created and would walk around the house licking it. I have no clue why.
2. We would also go to the bathroom and then afterwards suck on a lemon and push in our bellybutton with our index finger and move it all around. For some reason it made us want to go to the bathroom again even though we just went (it still works.....yes...I tried it again...and when I say "go to the bathroom", I mean #1).
3. I don't like to mix my food. When I have a plate of various foods, I always keep everything separated and eat one thing at one time. So, if I have turkey, macaroni and cheese and beans (I'm thinking about Thanksgiving for some reason), I will eat the mac first, beans second and turkey last. I don't know why.
4. I am highly habitual and can get into habits way too easily. For example, once I went to a coffee shop with my husband. We then went the next night. The night afterwards I felt that I had to go again and get another coffee. It was like my day was not complete without it. It went on for a year until I finally broke myself of it. Right now I'm having the same problem with sushi. You can buy it at our local grocery store and the salmon sushi with cream cheese is to die for and I am going to try my best not to go there tonight to get it for dinner. I hate this side of myself.
5. I have a fetish for hand lotions, antibacterial hand gels, etc. In fact, I have a basket at work with loads of them in there. I am always putting them on to smell a different scent. It's not about being worried about bacteria. It's about the smell. In fact, I'll put some "Winter Candy Apple" antibacterial hand gel from Bath and Body Works on right now while I'm thinking about it. Egad, it smells GREAT. It's a sickness.
6. When I go somewhere I drive the same way and change lanes at the same spot on the interstate. I don't feel right if I don't do this. I guess this ties in with number four above now that I think about it. Do we have a little OCD going on, I wonder? I do think I have the tendencies. Oh, and God help me if I go somewhere new. I invariably get lost and consistently make the wrong turn when I'm leaving. It's a pain. I really need a GPS lady telling me where to go. The world would be safer from me, that's for sure.

Alright, bare your souls and get writing! I can't wait to learn more about you.

To Consume and Be Consumed

I just want to eat and drink and do anything I can do. My addictive personality is really coming out right now and it's scary as shit. I've had a half of bottle of wine. Last night I had the first half. It's nice to have a buzz. Anything is better than reality. My husband is not happy. His depression is really bad right now. I don't feel married and feel quite alone.

This isn't me. I don't do this. It's times like this that I know I could be an alcoholic and a junkie. That is why I've never judged other addicts. Just because I'm not an alcoholic or drug user doesn't mean I'm not an addict. Oh, I am and tonight I feel the fire of the addiction burning into my soul.

I just want to ingest everything...food..alcohol...anything...everything. I've never felt it so very strong until tonight. At this moment I just want to consume and be consumed. My soul is a shell and needs to be filled with....something. What, I don't know.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Yawning and Quirkiness

I am quite tired lately and not sure why. It seems that I yawn 24/7 and it doesn't matter how much sleep I get I'm still tired. Could it be the Prozac? One reason why I don't like taking new meds is because any changes you may experience you question yourself if it could be the medication or something else.

This past weekend I went with my cousin, her daughter and my daughter to the beach to visit my other cousin (my cousin's sister). It was great fun and I realized how important it is to get out of your hometown sometimes. It gives you a much needed change of perspective. I told my husband that we need to get out of town together this weekend. So, though I don't know where we are going, we are going somewhere and I can't wait to get out of here.

Right now my house is a mess. It's organized, but just dirty. I haven't been home much and haven't had the time to clean like I need to. When I have been home I've been too tired to do it. It gets on my nerves to see it like this because my Type A personality kicks in and kicks my butt about it, but I'm just too tired to do anything about it. Isn't that bad?

I am cycling through feelings of caring and not caring. I feel restless and am jostling my foot as I write this. I want to stop working where I am. I hate what I do every day here and can't wait to start the new job. Yet at the same time I don't want to work at all and wish I could just be a stay-at-home Mom. That would be so lovely.

I am going to try and clean house tonight. And wash clothes. There is a mountain to wash at the moment. I wish my husband and daughter would see what needs to be done and pitch in instead of waiting for me to say, "Let's clean house!". Ugh...my husband won't help right now anyway. He is overwhelmed with work and school and has been quite depressed lately. I won't ask him to do a thing.

This post is absolutely boring me to tears, so I'll end here. I apologize if you read this far. I'm in a quirky mood today.

Eternal Sunshine

I continue to feel better mentally. It has to be attributed to the Prozac that was newly prescribed. I have always had a low-level depression biting my heels even on "good days", but I don't even have that now. Not only that, I am actually sleeping well with no assistance from Ambien. I am getting tired around 10:00pm, go to sleep, sleep through the night and wake up at a good time. It is amazing to me that this is occurring when remembering how not long ago I would go night after night with no sleep.

Could all of this be the Prozac? Does it really give "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"? (love that movie, by the way)

Letter of Resignation

Dear -manager name-,

Per our conversation this afternoon, please accept my two-week resignation effective today. My last day will be Wednesday, February 18, 2009. I feel very fortunate to have been associated with -company name- for the last two years. My experiences and training have been invaluable, and I leave with many pleasant memories.

I am more than happy to assist with all transition activities and will work with -supervisor name, or as John referred to as "officious little shit of a boss"- on what she needs from me during this time.

I wish the company and all its employees much success in this project and in the coming years.

Warmest regards,

Catherine

Spoiled Rotten

It is abnormally cold this morning. I let my cat out before going to work and she immediately wanted to get back inside of the house. I shooed her back out, got my things together and jumped in the car to go to work. My car showed it was 20 degrees Fahrenheit (-6.6 degrees Celsius), which stopped me in my tracks. I stopped the car and went back inside to let the cat back in the house. No wonder she wanted to get back in! It is freezing! I then went to my daughter to see if she wanted me to give her a ride to the bus stop since it is so cold and what do I find her wearing? A thin top layered on top of another thin top with her pajama bottoms and flip flops. Let's not forget to mention she was painting her toes black as I walked in her room. Right now in our area teenagers are wearing pajama bottoms to school. The pajama bottoms are the long wooly-type pants. My daughter has never done this before, but I just bought her a new set of pj's and now she's wearing them to school.

My first reaction was to tell her to change clothes. I then decided to approach it from a different angle and told her that it is 20 degrees outside and she's going to freeze. That didn't perturb her one bit. She said that it would be no problem and she would be OK. I then wanted to tell her to change clothes and then she said that just in case she had a pair of jeans in her bag to take to school. My mind then went to war going back and forth between should I tell her to change clothes or not and then I realized, her body isn't hanging out, everything is covered appropriately, I may not want her to wear pajama bottoms to school, but all the kids are doing it and if this is the one fashion she wants to copy from the other teens, it's not a bad one. So, I bit my tongue and asked her if she wanted a ride. I have to admit that since the pajama bottoms are cute, she did look quite stylish. It will be fun when she gets older and I can pick on her about this and tell her children when they complain to me that their Mom won't let them wear what they want. In fact, I'm going to take a picture of her when I get home for evidence in future years.

I rode the elevator after getting to work with a lady who is a cleaner in my office. She is a young girl and we talked about how cold it is outside. She told me that she literally ran to work because it was so cold. I asked if she liked running and she said that she didn't have a choice because she doesn't have a car. Hearing this just stopped me in my tracks. I live in an area where there are no public modes of transportation and you really need a car to get around, which is why I thought she enjoyed running because I couldn't imagine she would walk to work. People just don't do that here. As I walked to my desk I realized how lucky I am and how grateful I should be.

Here I am with a thick coat, perfumed neck, nails done, nice purse, walking to my desk because I have a job. I drove to work in a car that not only displayed the temperature outside, but heated my butt as I drove because it has seat warmers. I left a house that is warm enough that my cat wanted to get back inside, with beautiful mosaic floors my husband made and a bedroom that my husband worked on that was considered beautiful enough to be in a magazine. My house has a pool, two sweet dogs, three bedrooms and two baths. There is even one bedroom we don't use because we don't need it. My husband has a studio that is 800 square feet and is part of the house that he can work in at his leisure. Thinking about all of this really made me realize something (and please excuse my language):

I need to shut the fuck up and quit whining about whether I get this job or not and whether it's 8K less or not.

I just need to be quiet.

I am damn lucky in my life.

Why does it take seeing a girl who has a more difficult life to snap myself out of this negativity concerning this job? I have been whining like a broken record and I need to just STOP IT. I recently heard that 100,000 jobs were lost just this past week in the US. Two million have been cut since January. Yesterday I also heard that they are going to be laying off people here at work. In fact, most of the contractors will be gone by April or May. That means in this small area a lot of people will be looking for work and the local market will be congested with people looking for a job. At least, AT LEAST I have something in the works. AT LEAST there is a company that wants me to work for them and we only have to go through this legality of my contract company. AT LEAST this company has experienced no negative effects from this upside-down economy and if anything, gave their employees a bonus of 5K or more just a few weeks ago! That is unheard of in these times!

So I just need to shut up! I am SPOILED AS SHIT! What a whiner I am! I do apologize. I'm glad I came to my senses. It is about damn time.

Drug Testing, Background Checks and Bankruptcy

I now have to take a new drug test and background check since I'll possibly be changing jobs with my contract company. Late yesterday afternoon I waited in a doctor's office for an hour and a half to potty in a cup. How fun. I now have to wait two days for all of the results to get back and hopefully I will find out then if I get the job at the new company. That means I won't find out until at least late tomorrow afternoon or possibly Thursday. This is dragging out for so very long. It's interminable. I only hope in the end that I do get the job at the new company and they will want me to work full-time after six months.

It has been highly difficult to focus these last few days at work. On top of waiting to hear about this job I am getting a tad frustrated over trying to contact the attorney who served papers on me regarding the credit card bill that I owe. I can never get in contact with him and I'm worried that they'll go further in whatever they are going to do to me for not being able to pay. I don't want to be served papers again.

This past weekend I went to H&R Block to do my taxes. I'm scared to death that the attorney will get a judgment on me to garnish my tax refund if I don't hurry up and get the refund back. I want to use my tax refund to claim bankruptcy. If I don't get this money I don't know what to do. They said I should get the refund within eight to 21 days. I've been keeping my fingers crossed that the attorney doesn't do anything in that time frame, or if he does, that it doesn't get through the courts that fast.

Once I claim bankruptcy I can give the attorney the case number along with the other credit card companies I owe and get this over with. I really don't want to claim bankruptcy, but I don't have any choice. It is what it is and I must get it over with.

Bankruptcy is just another form of failure. It doesn't feel very good at all.

High School Friends and Dragged-Out Job Offers

I haven't been online at all this weekend. It was jam-packed with social events and was a lot of fun. Friday night I went to dinner with my husband. Saturday I met my cousin and we shopped for a bit. My daughter went home with her to spend the night at her house. Saturday night I met my two best friends from high school and we went out to dinner. Afterwards we went to a few clubs, danced and had fun. We didn't get home until 4:00am! Sunday morning I got up and met my parents and cousin for lunch. My daughter came back with me afterwards and on the way home I stopped to see my friend from high school while passing through her town. We were both dead tired from the night before and agreed it was definitely worth it. We then went grocery shopping together and afterwards my daughter and I went home. I then took a shower and collapsed in the bed to read for a while and eventually fell asleep.

I haven't visited bars/clubs for years now and it was quite interesting. It seemed to me that all of the young ones there looked 16 years old; all dressed the same with jeans and little tops sporting pancake flat/straight hair. I could totally envision my daughter there one day having fun on the dance floor. Sheesh, I am getting old.

This weekend my daughter and I are going with my cousin to the beach to visit with her sister. We leave after work Friday and will get home Saturday night. It will be wonderful to spend time with my two cousins because they were the sisters I never had while growing up. I haven't spent the night away from home in ages as well and it will be nice to get away.

I'm continuing to feel better. Not sure if it's the Prozac or what, but I'm not complaining. I always have a low-level feeling of depression even on my good days, but lately I haven't even felt that for the first time in my life. I am very grateful to be feeling so much better.

On the job front I'm still not sure if I have the job or not. To make a very long story short, I met with my contract company last Thursday and everything felt quite shady. It was a sad state of affairs because I've been personal friends with the owner of the contract company and her family. I really do believe that her business is not doing as well in this economy and she doesn't want to lose her workers. I think that since she knows the other company wants me and because we have to do a contract with her due to the clause in their contract between each other that she wants to make as much money this time on my contract as she can which is why the pay rate for this job is 8K less. I don't see her budging on this, but I have continued to try. She knows as well that the other company isn't the type to keep contracts open for an extended period of time. They either want you after six months or don't and after the six months are up and if they still want me, they will offer a full-time position and she will lose the money on me. It greatly disappoints me, but it's business and I need to remember that. They are thinking of their bottom line and I don't fit in the equation.

Concerning my credit check, from what I understood late Friday afternoon, the other company still wants me anyway. It looks like I'm going to get the job, but I'm not banking on it until I know my official start date and I give a resignation where I am currently employed. Only then will I feel comfortable enough to feel good to have another job. It's funny because when the owner of my contract company called Friday letting me know that the other company didn't care about my credit and wanted me, she said, "Oh, Catherine, you don't sound excited at all!". I told her, "I am very excited about the opportunity but the journey to get there was a long one. All of this talk about my credit and will or will they not hire because of it was quite exhausting". What I didn't add is that my contract company did not find this job for me. In fact, they didn't have to do anything to help me with this job. I found the job because of my friend telling me who works there. I went to two interviews, filled out paperwork, did everything, and they wanted me full-time. Only because of the clause my contract company has with the company is the reason my contract company got involved in the first place. If anything, knowing that my current contract comes up March 31, you would think they would pay a bit more since they didn't put one ounce of work finding this new opportunity, but we both know they won't. My contract company is now acting like they did everything for me to have this new job and I'm not jumping up and down excited about it. Thinking about it all makes me shake my head in disgust.

Thank you everyone for your kind comments and support. I'm continuing to send my blog posts via e-mail since I'm taking a lunch break at work and can't actually visit my blog due to rules here. Since I haven't been getting online at night I haven't been able to visit my blog and reply to your comments or even visit your blogs. I plan to soon.

I hope to know in a day or two whether I have the job for sure. This is one of the most dragged out events I've had in my life. Sheesh!

Smoke and Mirrors

Late yesterday afternoon I received a call from my contract company stating that the company I interviewed for contacted them about me working for them. They said that they would like for me to work as a contractor versus full-time. The deal is that the pay rate is 8K less than what I'm being paid now and my contract company doesn't think I'll get the job since it's for a bank and my credit isn't good. My contract company has been acting strangely ever since I told them last week that I interviewed with the company. For the first time in seven years they acted quite negative about the job and I never understood why.

After talking with them I called my friend at the company I interviewed with and told him what they said. He then told me the following:

• My contract company is a vendor for the company I interviewed with and they have a contract between them that states if anyone from the contract company tried to get a full-time job they have to notify the contract company and the employee has to start as a contractor and work for a minimum of six months. They can't hire the employee outright. This makes sense because the contract company doesn't want the company I interviewed for to "steal" employees from them. The problem I have with this is that my contract company never told me this little nugget of information and is acting like the company only wants me as a contractor when in all actuality they want me full-time but can't due to this legal contract the companies have between each other.
• Since I would be a contractor with the new company, the new company doesn't request my credit information and my contract company never sends this information to them. Why my contract company is telling me that the new company won't hire me because of my credit score is completely mysterious to me.
• I can't tell my contract company I know these bits of information because my friend working there asked me not to, so I'll never have these questions answered in my mind.
• I asked if my pay rate for the job could be increased by 4K so that I would only lose 4K and they said probably not because the owner of the contract company set the rate herself. I asked them to ask her for me anyway. For all I know they could be making in excess of $25K on me and not giving me a fair cut of it.
• I cannot live on 8K less.
• I don't have  much of a choice since my current contract ends March 31st. My friend said that the contract company knows this and doesn't understand why they would "exploit" (his words) me like that. They are taking more of a cut from my pay knowing that there isn't a lot of jobs in my area anyway and they have the chance to lose me after six months if the company hires me full-time and I'm no longer a contractor.
• I have been personal friends with the owner of my contract company and her family for seven years now. This is the first time I feel something shady is going on and now I am scared of a) not getting the job at all and b) getting paid much lower than I should if I do get the job.

I was very excited about all of this and hoped to have an answer today. Now I know I have to be a contractor there, that is if I get the job at all. My friend said that the company really wants me to work there, but I hope that an issue doesn't arise with my contract company and whatever game they are playing at.

I visit my contract company today at 4:00pm. This will be an interesting meeting.

Funny How Life Works Sometimes

Today at work I was told that my contract is coming up March 31st of this year. I've known since last October that March 31 was my date and was not sure if the contract would be extended or not. I now know that it has not. On the bright side, at least I know two months in advance that the job is coming to a close. Not many people receive that luxury. On the other hand, it's stressful to know because it puts more pressure on me to quickly find a job.

I hope like hell I get the job at the company I recently interviewed with because it looks like a good opportunity and I know quite a few people there already that I enjoyed working with in the past. Yesterday the human resource department of that company called asking what I currently make and what I've made in past jobs. In the job application form there are fields that ask this question and I always leave it blank. I would rather talk about money over the phone or in person. I never like filling in those fields anyway because I always feel like they want to know what you're currently making so that they can give you a few thousand more to have you accept the job instead of paying what the job is actually worth. I may be wrong about this, but it's just how I feel.

I answered all of the questions and she thanked me and the conversation was over. This at least means they are working on it and seem to still be interested in me working there. As usual I am keeping my fingers crossed, but even tighter now since I know for sure my last day in Hell is March 31.

It's funny how life works sometimes. I find out that one job is coming to a close while waiting for another job to hopefully pan out. Now I won't feel bad if I do get the new job and tell my current contract company that I'm moving on. I always feel guilty about leaving a company. I certainly won't this time. That's a nice feeling when I think about it.

The Rollercoaster of My Existence

This morning I woke up and felt better than I have in weeks. I finally got some sleep last night when getting home after having my hair colored (I also added a few highlights as well and it looks great). This morning I popped out of bed, had a shower, got ready, even put on eye shadow (during my bad days I only wear eyeliner and a little mascara), sprayed one of my favorite perfumes, visited the kitchen and made breakfast and lunch to take to work and here I am. I felt very happy while scurrying around the house with my soul feeling more light and free. While driving into work I realized how good I felt compared to the last few weeks and though I am grateful for feeling better, I also realize how up and down I have been for the last three years of my life. Thinking about it can make me feel crazier, if that's possible.

I called my Mom and told her that I feel much better and also commented on how tired I am of riding this rollercoaster. I can feel down for weeks and then feel much better, get excited about it only to crash again. Since I started adding Prozac to my daily RX regimen, I am curious if it's the Prozac helping me to feel better, or do I feel better on my own, or what. I finally decided to not question why and just enjoy how I feel. In order to do this I need to accept the rollercoaster of my existence. That is difficult to do.

Is there any light at the end of the tunnel? Do I dare hope to be cured of depression? Will there be a day when the depression is manageable once again? Will this rollercoaster ride ever end?

Eating to Stay Awake

I'm at work e-mailing this post to my blog. I can't visit my blog from work because it would not be good for my blog address to be tracked by Big Brother here and they read everything I've written. Nope, not a good thing at all.

I just bought some M&M's. It is a rarity to purchase M&M's or any type of candy. Usually I get them at the movies or when I can't stay awake at work. Nothing like a sugar rush to come down from. For the last hour the only work accomplished is keeping my eyelids from drooping down to the floor and so I finally got up and bought the sugary pills. Hopefully, they will keep me awake until at least 4:45pm when I have to leave to get my hair done.

A very sweet lady performs miracles every six weeks by vanquishing the massive amounts of white hair springing up all over my scalp. Because of her people are shocked that my hair is over 50% white (not gray, mind you, but starch white). When I get older I'm going to say to hell with it and grow it out and be white-headed, but for now my husband says I look too young for it and to cover it.

I have hardly been online for the past week except to check mail and mail blog posts. Thank you for all of your wonderful comments. Since I can't visit my blog from work I haven't been able to post replies to them, but I have read them in my e-mail box. I wish there was a way to post blog comment replies via e-mail as well.

This weekend I didn't get online at all. Saturday I went to my cousin's house and spent the day with her and her family. I always love going over there. She and I grew up with each other and are like sisters. I adore her six-year old. Ahhhhhhddddoooooorrrreeee her.

I haven't been able to visit any blogs and other than a quick perusal via my mobile phone of a few in the blogging world I'm in withdrawal. Hopefully this upcoming weekend will give me time to catch up with all of you.

Speaking of blogs, please check out http://asksistermarymartha.blogspot.com. Sister Mary Martha is a nun whose blog is filled with humor (hilarious!), stories, and she answers everyone's questions about the Catholic religion along with giving other nuggets of wisdom. I really think you will enjoy her. Let me know what you think.

I haven't heard from the other company about the new job. I did receive a text message from a friend of mine that works at the company late Friday stating, "The word is they want to hire you. Congratulations!".

Don't get excited yet.

I'm not.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to hear that they want to hire me, but I don't want to get too excited and for whatever reason they decide at the last minute to hire someone else, or all of a sudden they don't want to use the budget for the position, or they don't pay very well. There are a myriad of reasons why this may not work out and I refuse to celebrate until I sign the dotted line. I am worried about my credit because I had to sign a release allowing them to check it. As you know, my credit has stunk since I was in the padded room at the hospital. Before that it was all butterflies and ladybugs and now it's credit collectors calling, writing and serving me with papers.

This company is a bank, so it could happen. I do have to say that a friend of mine works there who has a credit score that is less than 500 and he is a full-time employee. He was hired about two years ago, and hopefully they won't be bothered about my score either. I realize that a company shouldn't use a credit score to make a decision to hire you (I wouldn't be handling money, anyway), but as you know they can tell me whatever they want to say and not the real truth if this doesn't pan out.

I'm also not excited about the job just yet because I have no clue concerning how much they want to pay for this position. On their paperwork there are areas for you to fill out how much you are currently being paid and how much you were paid at each job for the last five positions. As a rule I never enter this information. This leaves things open in the pay department until I receive the call from the HR department of that company wanting to know.

I feel quite down today, which I believe is attributed to lack of sleep last night. I need toothpicks to keep my eyelids from falling. I can't wait to get to bed tonight.

Second Job Interview Complete

Just got back from the second interview and am now back in the office of Hell. While sitting in the interview this morning it felt entirely refreshing to see a company who actually cares about quality, cares about their employees, and wants to do things right the first time. Not only that, the people there are highly intelligent. I enjoy working for highly intelligent people because you can always learn something from them. For the last two years I felt like I've worked with do-do brains. I am not badmouthing anyone, but a lot of people here just don't make sense.

I haven't even blogged about my experiences at work because I never saw a point in it. It just fed my depression. Not that I don't feed my depression enough with all of these depressing posts, but at least I'm trying to be cathartic about it when blogging. I can't be very cathartic about it when talking about my present job because there's not much to be changed about it other than the job itself.

There are six people at the place I interviewed at today who I used to work with years ago. One of them I worked with six years ago at one company while the other five I worked with 13 years ago at another company. I love all of them. I enjoyed working with all of them. It's wonderful to be with them and I realized yesterday why. These people think that I do great work. They worked with me for years in the past and know what I am capable of. They knew me before the claws of depression sinked it's claws firmly into the middle of my soul. Don't get me wrong. I've always had depression, even as a child. It's just that I was able to mask it very well in the past and could always manage it. If these people knew that I had depression they would be shocked. They think that I am positive, outgoing, nurturing (the 5-person group that knew me used to call me a "mother hen"), and can get any job done before the deadline. They don't know the "sick Catherine". They don't know me as the girl who is constantly having terrible depressive episodes, horrible PMS and who gets some type of mental or physical illness all of the time. They know me as the "healthy Catherine" and what a refreshing way to be known once again!

I am worried that if I do get the job my depression will still be bad and it will affect my performance and attendance. I don't want to let these people down. I don't want to let myself down. I am hoping that if I do get the job and if the job is what I think it is, I will finally enjoy what I do and that will make a huge difference in my mental and emotional state.

The interview went very well, I didn't stumble in answering any questions, and actually, it was....fun. Very odd, really because I didn't expect it to be. I really enjoyed myself and it was great meeting the two people I interviewed with today. Now I am more excited about getting the job than I was before. That can be a bad thing because the more excited you are, the further you can fall if it doesn't pan out. I am concerned about the pay. They  haven't said anything about it just yet and I don't expect them to. If they are interested in me someone in HR will contact me and then we'll go through that discussion. I have no idea what they are expecting to pay and if what I make is comparable to it. In my last job interview a few months ago they wouldn't pay what I currently make by a lot and I couldn't take the job. I hope this doesn't occur again.

The last thing they said at the interview while I shook their hand was, "We'll be in contact very soon". Is that a good thing? What do you think?